Reconnecting
Hi @helgyafy @tinywhisper11 @mytwistedsoul
I hope you don’t mind me creating this thread. I’m sorry, I haven’t been online lately and I couldn’t find where we’ve chatted before. I think of you all often and the kindness you’ve shown me, and I wonder how you’re doing. I really hope you’ve been well. I’m sending you prayers. Please pray for or think of me too when you have a moment. Please let me know how you’ve been.
❤️
@mytwistedsoul Checking on you too friend. ❤️ How are you doing the last couple days?
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas Hello :) Just dealing with some disappointments today, thank you for checking in. How are you? Have you found some moments of peace and calm the past few days?
@mytwistedsoul Oh no, that doesn’t sound good. Disappointment from the usual suspects lately, or do you have something new added on? Some days it feels like if it’s not one thing it’s another, doesn’t it? I don’t know how to relax anymore.
Emmmm, I’m doing ok. 😅 Thank you.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas This was a new disappointment, but there's nothing that can be done now. Oh my yes, when it rains it pours lately.
I'm sorry to hear that you're unable to relax. Have you ever tried or heard of Qigong? Someone mentioned it a year or so ago. It has a number of benefits and doesn't require much in the way of physical fitness. It focuses on slow movement. Plus it's also coordinated with your breath which can also help anxiety. If you're able, perhaps a walk might help? Take in your surroundings. Ground yourself. Listen to the sounds, the birds, the wind through the leaves. Are there hobbies you enjoy? Could you set time aside to do them, it wouldn't have to be for long, just whatever time you have to spare. Unless you're on edge for reasons beyond your control?
@WorkingItThrough2 How are things going for you?
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
Hi there, I'm so glad you asked. I'm okay. I'm still cleaning up from the hurricane, but I'm about to get up the last side of our property.I am Dealing with my husband's issh.
How are you?
@WorkingitThrough2 You are a hard worker, wow! Do you have help? Please don’t mind my questions, you have no obligation to answer.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
No, I have no help, I do as much as I can every day little by little❤️. Thanks for asking,
As for husbands, that is another ball game😊. My does nothing but eat, play games on his computer, and make messes for me to clean up. It makes me wonder why I allowed my church to put me with this man, Life sure was less complicated before I said I DO🤣
@mytwistedsoul I’ve tried to write you back a couple times. Things have been, I don’t know what word to use.
I’m in full panic alert mode and my mind is hazy, and I hope it’s ok I need to put this out somewhere to people who know me at least a little. My husband and I, were in another round of anger, depression (mine), then peace. He’s driving back home from traveling. We were having a fine conversation checking in, but then long story short he got suddenly rage when I didn’t want to give him some of my savings to gamble with. He took a few thousand out of joint savings but wanted more for an upcoming trip. I was fine with what he took out but didn’t want to use more of my personal savings I’ve been trying to build up for emergencies. I’m struggling to build mine back up after a few years ago he took a great deal of money I got selling my old house after I said no and lost it in the stock market. We separated our finances some time ago, but every once in a while a topic like this comes up. I think we come to the same page after some back and forth, but then next time we mention finances again he’s mis remembering and expecting money from me again. Or he’s micromanaging anything I want to spend my money on. I don’t spend a lot as it is, but if I want to take my kids on vacation for example he tries to make them eat cheap unhealthy food or just controls and criticizes everything we do. I told him I was ok with him gambling with whatever extra he had. He said I make him feel under a microscope, so I tried to vocally be supportive. He’s also supposed to be paying me back, at least that’s what we agreed, but I’m ok with it going slower so he can have leisure too. But it’s like he gets mad all over again if I say something like remember to set aside some of the savings for this house repair we talked about. I told him it feels like I’m being used when he won’t let me tell him no about my savings, and that makes him more mad. I’m not trying to hold it over him, I was nervous trying to avoid bringing it up just hoping he’d remember and let it go. I have been letting go the previous money betrayal and trying to start fresh. But I told him I don’t want to use my savings for the casino, I’d pay for everything else, and he blew up saying how it’s our money and how out of line I am. I was barely talking, but when I did was just telling him quietly that I’m confused. Sometimes in the past I have argued back loudly, but I was really trying to calm him down.
I am still shaking. He said I am trying to stop him from gambling, and it is because of him that we get discounted rooms. I don’t mind him gambling and often watch him at the tables. He was in the middle of yelling and hung up on me when I said I haven’t done anything wrong to him. I texted him and said maybe he should not come home, that I don’t want to do this anymore. Of course he’s not responding. My health is suffering and I’m afraid this relationship will do something bad to me or my kids. He’s supposed to come home in the middle of the night. I’m not going to be able to sleep. Thank God my kids aren’t home tonight, but they will be tomorrow morning. I don’t want to leave the house. He’s always threatening to go stay with his friend, so I’m hoping that’s what he’ll do.
He will probably calm down the remainder of the long drive and come in apologetic. I will just have to stay calm and not do anything to provoke anything. I’m sorry to write you back like this. I literally have no one to call, no one to stay with. I feel like I need to tell someone.
I am trying to calm myself and be smart. I cannot reconcile again. I don’t care how lonely I am or how much money he owes me. I am embarrassed to admit I think sometimes I’ve stayed hoping he would make the money back in the stock market. But deep down I think I know that if did, he would change up on me and decide some place else to put it and wouldn’t give any back to me. I really do care for him, I think he was hurt badly as a child and I wished I could help that. He can’t seem to feel for me. My feelings, he always just threatens that I’m going to make him mad. That doesn’t sound normal right? Or are these things people say to each other sometimes and I’m overreacting? He has never hit me, but I’ve seen him hurt other people and animals so I’m still scared of him.
I try to see things from his side too. Sometimes I think he is a really good person, but then sometimes I think the things that seem so good are just because he gets praise from people. He doesn’t really do anything nice for me unless it benefits him too. I think sometimes he’s a saint for putting up with my depression, but then sometimes I think he comes around and apologizes and still wants to be with me just because he knows he can control so much with me. I think he likes that I’m isolated from other people and he gets all my time. He likes that I am minimalist and don’t spend much money. I think he honed right in on that when we first met. I thought he was so understanding and kind to me about my past, but he wasn’t after the first few weeks. And by then I allowed it to go too far ands already felt stuck. I’m not sure a day has gone by since then all these years that I haven’t wondered if I should leave. There’s always something constantly. Even on a good day, I can tell my body feels uncomfortable. All this time, I have kept trying to convince myself he’s ok. Everyone around him tells me how lucky I am to have him. Makes it way too easy to neglect and blame myself.
It’s been well over an hour and I can’t stop shaking. Please pray for me. I know I can’t feel like this and go back again. I’ve never shaken this bad with him. Except for once when I had a nightmare that he was sniping me from a building. I think God has been trying to give my signs for a long time, but I also try to look for good signs. And then everyone tells me what a great Christian he is. Even now I’m still confused. My mind is already thinking that maybe I’m wrong and it’s just me.
I’ve started to think that maybe it doesn’t matter if it is all on me. I don’t think marriages are supposed to be like this. Rocky at times, but not like this. So if it is me, then this wouldn’t be good for him either. I’m just going to have to be alone and build my finances back up again, and hope maybe one day I’ll find some friends family. I’m definitely never getting married again. I can’t remember the last time I felt in love.
Please forgive me. I have completely offloaded on you. I sit here thinking of deleting again, but I think I really need to tell someone. I am thankful if you’ve read it and allowed it to be you, or anyone else reading. I hope you are doing ok recently and reading this isn’t bad for you.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas Please don't delete this. I need to read it thoroughly and then I'll reply. Your words and thoughts are safe here. ❤️
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas No, I don't think any of this sounds normal. He seems to be pointing the finger at you for the very things that he's doing. Forgive me if I over step with anything that I say. These are merely my thoughts, alright? I think he sounds like a narcissist. He seems used to getting his way, either through fear or force and he will take what he wants without regard to you or your children.
@mytwistedsoul Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for reading and caring. You said some things that I have thought but never wrote or said out loud. That helps me know I’m not imagining everything. Again I wrote you back and deleted some things. Trying again.
I’ve been preparing tonight. I noted things you said like keeping my phone charged, thank you. I’ve changed some paperwork and beneficiary things. I was worried not knowing if he was still coming back or not. He finally replied and he’s still coming here. He may go to his friends house. He was calmer.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas You're very welcome. Please be careful. Let us know you're safe when you can. You will definitely be in our thoughts here.
@mytwistedsoul I am safe. ❤️ Thank you. I hope you are ok.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas This is good news, I'm so glad to hear this! You're welcome and Thank you, I'm okay. :)
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
I certainly agree with @mytristedsoul. Please do what you need to do to take care of yourself and the kids❤️,
Sorry for butting in
@WorkingitThrough2 It's always good to see you! You're not butting in at all! ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
Hello my Brother, how are things going for you?
@WorkingitThrough2 Things have been difficult the past few weeks. Still trying to work through many emotions. Thank you for asking!
@mytwistedsoul
Please feel free to talk about it with me. You always support us, and now it is our turn to be there for you.
You are not alone, sometimes just sharing helps lighten the load😟
@WorkingitThrough2 We scattered my father's ashes a couple of weeks ago. Nothing has felt right since he died. There's a lot of numbness and confusion. I'm not even sure how to explain it right now other than, I feel nothing and yet I feel every thing. The days pass and seem endless at the same time. Time exists and is noticed only in the passing of the seasons. I can't seem to find my footing.
@mytwistedsoul
I am so sorry, I can not find the word to comfort you. I do understand what you must be feeling. A place that I visit quite often. When I 
know how to respond I say to you my Brother I am here for you whenever you need someone my shoulders and my hands are extended to you. You are a good good friend and even if you just let me sit here with you in silence I will do that.
@WorkingitThrough2 There's nothing to be sorry for. ❤️ It's a hard topic to know what to say to. I'm sorry to hear that you visit this topic as well. It's difficult landscape to navigate, isn't it? Thank you my dear friend for your hug. Much love to you ❤️
@WorkingitThrough2 Thank you. ❤️ Your not butting in at all. I am grateful for you.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
Just checking in on you.❤️
@WorkingitThrough2 Hey hey, checking back in on you now. 😃 I have started to see your writings around, you are really a sweet person. I'm glad we've met here. How are things going? I wish I could come clear some branches for you, sit and have a cup of tea, or cook you a nice meal so you don't have to.
@mytwistedsoul Hello friend. I've been trying to do a better job keeping up with how everyone's doing. I'm not sure if you write some other places but think you've been quiet about yourself lately. I wanted to see how you're doing and make sure you know you're thought of. How are you?
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas Hello :) I was just thinking about you. Thank you for thinking of me. I'm fine, thank you. How are you?
@mytwistedsoul I’m ok thank you. Do you still have a lot of paperwork and legal things you’re dealing with? Have you found you’re feeling any better the last couple weeks, or did the ceremony shake things up more so? If you want to talk about any of it.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas I apologize if this double posts. It's been an issue for me lately.
I'm glad to hear that you're okay. As far as I know all of the paper work is done. The lawyer has been paid but we're waiting for the IRS to finish the audit. Once that's done the final disbursements can be made and then it will be done.
It did stir things up some what. Nothing can really ever prepare you for a family funeral where you're the odd one out. They talked about how he was a good guy. How he was more of a father to his Gf's daughter than her own father. All the while I'm remembering the lies he told me about her daughter. Lies that I can't wrap my head around him telling and wondering what lies he told about me and whether any of it even matters. They were happy and loved him, maybe that's what matters and the past should be left out of it. It's hard, of not impossible to let the past go.
@mytwistedsoul My heart hurts picturing this. The thoughts you have to struggle with because of the knowledge you have. I see how you are so considerate of the feelings of everyone involved and how you try to discern what’s right even setting your own feelings to the side. But it’s impossible to just forget what’s been said and what we know. There’s so many unanswered questions. I wish we were there with you so you wouldn’t have to feel alone with it.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas You haven't done any harm. I do appreciate your concern with that. In all honesty, if it's a question that is uncomfortable I will simply ignore it. In the past I used to ask more questions of people but after the experience with the listener I mentioned before, I don't. With him it was like 20 questions and I do not have the energy or the patience to sit and pry the information out of him just to get 1 word answers. He is one of many where I learned to just say "I'm fine". He showed me that even though someone might ask, they often really don't care.
@Helgafy
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
@WorkingitThrough2
@Tinywhisper11
@mytwistedsoul
Very fine written. Thank you. I hope you and I will have a fine day today where we can experience much love and happiness. And I wish so much as we pray in "The Lords Prayer": "Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven and Thy kingdom come." I want us to be lifted up to our Father in heavens knee to absorb His fulfilment of our lives.
@Helgafy says a prayer with you ❤❤
@Helgafy That particular part of The Lord’s Prayer brings me a certain kind of peace. It makes me focus on trying to accept things that I typically spend a lot of time resisting. I really want to think that all our suffering has some purpose.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas @mytwistedsoul @WorkingitThrough2 @Helgafy
Gives you all giant tiny hugs ❤❤❤❤ pieces I'm glad your safe, just please be careful, remember you are a beautiful lady with beautiful children, please don't let anyone keep you down ❤
soul you are very special to me ❤ I know your hurting right now 🙁 death and grieving is a very very hard thing to go through. And there is really nothing I can say to make it go away. But I'm here for you we all are. We hear your words and want to be here to comfort you ❤ it's ok to talk about whatever feelings come to mind happy or sad ❤ I love you soul ❤
workingitthrough2 your such a sweetheart, I wish I could send you a hundred extra hands to clean, cook fix things up and get everything back on track for you ❤ hugs you tightly ❤ I love you ❤
helga ❤ I hope the cold weather isn't effecting your health, and I hope your doing ok ❤ I always worry about you, hugs you tightly ❤ I love you ❤
@Tinywhisper11 Tiny, you are so sweet. (gentle hugs) ❤️ Thank you so much for being you. Much love to you ❤️
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
@Tinywhisper11 Thank you! It’s cool to think about how even in different parts of the world we look at the same stars together. ❤️
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas it's pretty amazing ❤
My friends here, I want to tell you something. We haven’t known each other long, and we’ve never seen each other, but you probably know more about me than most people ever have. Not facts on paper, but what actually makes up me, my feelings and personality. Even just in the game area where we make some jokes back and forth. Sometimes I have the instinct to hide and keep to myself, but now I also remember you and feel less alone. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me.
It is a big night for me tonight. I did some research and found a group in my town that meets to make new friends. Today they are playing billiards. Please wish me luck. I’m so nervous and kept almost backing out. But now it’s in a couple hours and I reserved my spot, so I’m going! 😬 I hope I meet a nice lady who’s a little weird like me. ☺️
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas I'm so glad that coming here has helped you and that you feel less alone! :)
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas yaaaay! That's awsome ❤ good luck sweetie ❤ I bet you'll meet lots of nice people. I don't know what billiards is, but have fun ❤ let us know how it goes ❤❤
@Tinywhisper11 Billiards is similar to pool I believe?
@mytwistedsoul ohhhhh! Thanks soul ❤ pool does look fun 😁
@Tinywhisper11 You're welcome! :)
@Tinywhisper11 I wasn't sure where to post this but here seemed like a good idea.
I wanted to wish you a very very Happy Birthday! I hope you have the best day filled with lots of laughter and love. ❤️ May all your wishes come true! ❤️
@mytwistedsoul @TinyWhisper11
Yay!! Happy Birthday Lola!!!! It’s party time! A Christmassy Animal Dairy theme seems appropriate for our gal. ❤️
I hope you have a super day, Blanket Woman! We’re so thankful for you.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas 😍😍😍 best party evveer 😁 thanks sweetie ❤
@mytwistedsoul awwww😁 thanks soul ❤
@Tinywhisper11 Tiny! ❤️ Is it really you? (rubs eyes) It's so good to see you! How are you?
@mytwistedsoul 😁❤ it's really me, I think😁 I'm ok! Week but ok! Not to week to give you a giant tiny hug though ❤
@Tinywhisper11 Aww thank you so much! Nothing beats those giant Tiny hugs! ❤️❤️ (hugs you gently) You need ice cream stat! That will build up your strength!
@mytwistedsoul 😁 you know me so well ❤😁
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas Hello :) I hope you don't mind but I was wondering how your billiards meet up went? I hope you met some friendly people!
To the best of my knowledge our dear friend @TinyWhisper11 had to have another surgery. :( Hopefully she is healing well and making a full recovery. ❤️
@mytwistedsoul Uncommonly thoughtful in so many big and small ways, you are. Thank you Twist. ☺️
I was holding off on talking more about myself too much for a couple days. The billiards, it went really well! I was nervous. I thought it world be a bunch of youngsters and me, but there was an age range. In the beginning, I was in the parking lot and almost didn’t go in. I was stalling checking my email and saw the the organizer updated being stuck in traffic, so I didn’t want to walk into the place not recognizing anyone. Then I saw another new person wrote saying they were there, and I decided to try to be brave because they might be feeling nervous too. In the end, it all worked out way better than I thought. I had a great time playing. I can’t say I met any weird ladies like me, but the overall group was very welcoming. I can’t remember the last time anyone asked me questions about myself and really listened to the answers (not including here). I will definitely go to the next one.
Something to note, after I left, I kept catching my breath. I had trouble sleeping feeling restless, good or bad I’m not sure. The next morning I woke up with a panicked feeling, and my whole body was sore like I ran a marathon. If you haven’t played billiards, it’s not really a physically intensive activity. 😂 I guessed it was my muscles tensing from nervousness. Twist, I think in these kind of situations I tap into my inner alter ego. It’s like I put on an invisible Halloween costume and am the bravest, confident version of myself, then afterward take off the mask. I don’t know how to explain this, I don’t mean being fake, but just the way I wish I really was inside.
I’ve been ok since then. I have mixed feelings about making myself go outside my comfort.
I saw Tiny said she might be away. I hope she feels all our love around her. ❤️
How are you dear?
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas This is so wonderful! I'm so proud of you for being so brave! Walking into new situations and public spaces where you don't know anyone can be so nerve racking! I'm so glad you had a great time and even though you didn't meet any weird ladies, you met a group of nice people. The next time you go it hopefully won't make you feel as nervous. :)
@mytwistedsoul Your post says 3 days ago. I saw it but time has eluded me, I’m sorry. You mentioned the days getting shorter. Do you mean seasonal depression? I understand this.
I ended up having a difficult night not too long after I wrote you. I’m sorry I’m just writing back. I don’t remember a lot of it now. Some sort of depression stuff. 😅 It had something to do with not feeling good enough for people or something.
I’ve had so many thoughts in past days. I felt very desperate at one point. I was not kind to myself. I also had a sense after, of being emotionally like a soldier, broken down so I could be built back up. I hesitate, because it sounds ignorant. I have not been a soldier. I say this to you in much vulnerability. I wouldn’t trust ordinary people with that thought. Thank you for reading it and being a good person. I have sometimes pondered if God had to break me down to get rid of my stubbornness. Even aside of God (My relationship with Him is suffering of late), I wonder if I had to break down completely to get stronger.
I’ve had thoughts recently like, (well it is unfortunate for “you” that you accused me of such a thing, because you didn’t recognize what you have). I hope you understand that you isn’t you, Twist. What I’m trying to say is I think I’m having some better self esteem thoughts.
Tell me what is happening in your world. Our friend Helga mentioned you have chickens? I have some too!
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas There's nothing for you to be sorry for. In all honesty, time works differently for me than it might most people. I do understand how it can elusive.
@mytwistedsoul Wow you have a lot of chickens too! There are 34 here, 13 are babies. I like seeing the combinations that have come out in the babies. It’s my first time breeding chickens. They all have little personalities. I think it’s funny when they follow me around, not the rooster so much. He’s pretty nice now but he has his moments. There is 1 turkey as well. She is a calm old girl following you around, and when you stop she’ll lay down and let you pet her. Recently the chickens started coming up onto the porch to sneak the cat’s food, and I’m not too happy about the presents. 😝
How have you been? Is the weather treating you ok?
I had a bout of walking pneumonia recently. It didn’t last as long as last time, I’m pleased. Since then, maybe related to the sickness, my pulse keeps getting low. I’ve been recording my readings for the doctor. I keep getting the feeling I’m about to pass out while just sitting doing something mundane. I haven’t passed out, but the feeling lingers for hours sometimes, sharp headaches and hard to do anything dizzy. On the plus side I am losing some weight from the nausea. 🙂
I’m going to try to get around and read everyone’s updates. I’ve been thinking of you all a lot.