Reconnecting

@mytwistedsoul Checking on you too friend. ❤️ How are you doing the last couple days? 

@WorkingItThrough2 How are things going for you? 

@mytwistedsoul I’ve tried to write you back a couple times. Things have been, I don’t know what word to use.

I’m in full panic alert mode and my mind is hazy, and I hope it’s ok I need to put this out somewhere to people who know me at least a little. My husband and I, were in another round of anger, depression (mine), then peace. He’s driving back home from traveling. We were having a fine conversation checking in, but then long story short he got suddenly rage when I didn’t want to give him some of my savings to gamble with. He took a few thousand out of joint savings but wanted more for an upcoming trip. I was fine with what he took out but didn’t want to use more of my personal savings I’ve been trying to build up for emergencies. I’m struggling to build mine back up after a few years ago he took a great deal of money I got selling my old house after I said no and lost it in the stock market. We separated our finances some time ago, but every once in a while a topic like this comes up. I think we come to the same page after some back and forth, but then next time we mention finances again he’s mis remembering and expecting money from me again. Or he’s micromanaging anything I want to spend my money on. I don’t spend a lot as it is, but if I want to take my kids on vacation for example he tries to make them eat cheap unhealthy food or just controls and criticizes everything we do. I told him I was ok with him gambling with whatever extra he had. He said I make him feel under a microscope, so I tried to vocally be supportive. He’s also supposed to be paying me back, at least that’s what we agreed, but I’m ok with it going slower so he can have leisure too. But it’s like he gets mad all over again if I say something like remember to set aside some of the savings for this house repair we talked about. I told him it feels like I’m being used when he won’t let me tell him no about my savings, and that makes him more mad. I’m not trying to hold it over him, I was nervous trying to avoid bringing it up just hoping he’d remember and let it go. I have been letting go the previous money betrayal and trying to start fresh. But I told him I don’t want to use my savings for the casino, I’d pay for everything else, and he blew up saying how it’s our money and how out of line I am. I was barely talking, but when I did was just telling him quietly that I’m confused. Sometimes in the past I have argued back loudly, but I was really trying to calm him down. 

I am still shaking. He said I am trying to stop him from gambling, and it is because of him that we get discounted rooms. I don’t mind him gambling and often watch him at the tables. He was in the middle of yelling and hung up on me when I said I haven’t done anything wrong to him. I texted him and said maybe he should not come home, that I don’t want to do this anymore. Of course he’s not responding. My health is suffering and I’m afraid this relationship will do something bad to me or my kids. He’s supposed to come home in the middle of the night. I’m not going to be able to sleep. Thank God my kids aren’t home tonight, but they will be tomorrow morning. I don’t want to leave the house. He’s always threatening to go stay with his friend, so I’m hoping that’s what he’ll do.

He will probably calm down the remainder of the long drive and come in apologetic. I will just have to stay calm and not do anything to provoke anything. I’m sorry to write you back like this. I literally have no one to call, no one to stay with. I feel like I need to tell someone.

I am trying to calm myself and be smart. I cannot reconcile again. I don’t care how lonely I am or how much money he owes me. I am embarrassed to admit I think sometimes I’ve stayed hoping he would make the money back in the stock market. But deep down I think I know that if did, he would change up on me and decide some place else to put it and wouldn’t give any back to me. I really do care for him, I think he was hurt badly as a child and I wished I could help that. He can’t seem to feel for me. My feelings, he always just threatens that I’m going to make him mad. That doesn’t sound normal right? Or are these things people say to each other sometimes and I’m overreacting? He has never hit me, but I’ve seen him hurt other people and animals so I’m still scared of him.

I try to see things from his side too. Sometimes I think he is a really good person, but then sometimes I think the things that seem so good are just because he gets praise from people. He doesn’t really do anything nice for me unless it benefits him too. I think sometimes he’s a saint for putting up with my depression, but then sometimes I think he comes around and apologizes and still wants to be with me just because he knows he can control so much with me. I think he likes that I’m isolated from other people and he gets all my time. He likes that I am minimalist and don’t spend much money. I think he honed right in on that when we first met. I thought he was so understanding and kind to me about my past, but he wasn’t after the first few weeks. And by then I allowed it to go too far ands already felt stuck. I’m not sure a day has gone by since then all these years that I haven’t wondered if I should leave. There’s always something constantly. Even on a good day, I can tell my body feels uncomfortable. All this time, I have kept trying to convince myself he’s ok. Everyone around him tells me how lucky I am to have him. Makes it way too easy to neglect and blame myself.

It’s been well over an hour and I can’t stop shaking. Please pray for me. I know I can’t feel like this and go back again. I’ve never shaken this bad with him. Except for once when I had a nightmare that he was sniping me from a building. I think God has been trying to give my signs for a long time, but I also try to look for good signs. And then everyone tells me what a great Christian he is. Even now I’m still confused. My mind is already thinking that maybe I’m wrong and it’s just me. 

I’ve started to think that maybe it doesn’t matter if it is all on me. I don’t think marriages are supposed to be like this. Rocky at times, but not like this. So if it is me, then this wouldn’t be good for him either. I’m just going to have to be alone and build my finances back up again, and hope maybe one day I’ll find some friends family. I’m definitely never getting married again. I can’t remember the last time I felt in love.

Please forgive me. I have completely offloaded on you. I sit here thinking of deleting again, but I think I really need to tell someone. I am thankful if you’ve read it and allowed it to be you, or anyone else reading. I hope you are doing ok recently and reading this isn’t bad for you.

@mytwistedsoul Hello friend. I've been trying to do a better job keeping up with how everyone's doing. I'm not sure if you write some other places but think you've been quiet about yourself lately. I wanted to see how you're doing and make sure you know you're thought of. How are you?

@Helgafy

@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas @mytwistedsoul @WorkingitThrough2 @Helgafy

Gives you all giant tiny hugs ❤❤❤❤ pieces I'm glad your safe, just please be careful, remember you are a beautiful lady with beautiful children, please don't let anyone keep you down ❤ 

soul you are very special to me ❤ I know your hurting right now  🙁 death and grieving is a very very hard thing to go through. And there is really nothing I can say to make it go away. But I'm here for you we all are. We hear your words and want to be here to comfort you ❤ it's ok to talk about whatever feelings come to mind happy or sad ❤ I love you soul ❤

workingitthrough2 your such a sweetheart, I wish I could send you a hundred extra hands to clean, cook fix things up and get everything back on track for you ❤ hugs you tightly ❤ I love you ❤

helga ❤ I hope the cold weather isn't effecting your health, and I hope your doing ok ❤ I always worry about you, hugs you tightly ❤ I love you ❤

@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas 

My friends here, I want to tell you something. We haven’t known each other long, and we’ve never seen each other, but you probably know more about me than most people ever have. Not facts on paper, but what actually makes up me, my feelings and personality. Even just in the game area where we make some jokes back and forth. Sometimes I have the instinct to hide and keep to myself, but now I also remember you and feel less alone. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me.

It is a big night for me tonight. I did some research and found a group in my town that meets to make new friends. Today they are playing billiards. Please wish me luck. I’m so nervous and kept almost backing out. But now it’s in a couple hours and I reserved my spot, so I’m going! 😬 I hope I meet a nice lady who’s a little weird like me. ☺️

@Tinywhisper11 I wasn't sure where to post this but here seemed like a good idea. 

I wanted to wish you a very very Happy Birthday! I hope you have the best day filled with lots of laughter and love. ❤️ May all your wishes come true! ❤️