Your experiences being ace

Hey there!
I'm Lark, I'm 26 and nonbinary (they/them).
I'm not really identifying as ace, but I'm kinda questioning and might be demisexual if I wanted to put a label on it. The labels I've settled with sexualitywise until now were bi(sexual) and queer, but as I said, I might be demi or grey... idk.

What makes me question myself is, that I do have some ace friends and an ace boyfriend and that while I do feel occaisional sexual attraction, many things my ace-spec friends say are kinda relatable? I used to be in a relationship with a allosexual straight guy and I was active with him, but in a way that was more like "oh, okay, we're doing this now?" going with whatever was going on. Before we were dating we also flirted over text and I was pretty oblivious about some of the comments made. I mean... maybe I was a bit more innocent since it was my first boyfriend, but ??? I don't know I just felt even back then people around me were way more sexual than I was although I wasn't repulsed.

So now I'm in a relationship with an ace guy and it's my second relationship ever, but we're together for almost 6 years. When he said he wasn't really interested in sex for the first time (after we already began our relationship) I first was confused and didn't know if I could handle it as I was sexually attracted to him. We talked about it thouroughly and settled our personal limits. And since then it's been okay for both sides. And I have come to realize that I actually don't really need sex to be happy in a relationship. I'm a huge fan of cuddling too and there are different ways to be intimate and not have sex or at least not "conventional" hetero sex.

Also we've been talking about our thoughts about open relationships and he says that he couldn't forbid me anything anyway, but he doesn't really want to know if I had other sexual/romantic relationships and that made me think of if I even wanted one of those. Because I am actually open to polyamory, but the thought of being emotionally involved with more than one person makes me think "I don't even have time for that?!". And also if it's just strictly non-romantic... I catch myself being not sexually attracted to anyone at all if I don't have deeper feelings. So... yeah?

I don't know if my experience counts in here because I'm not even 100% sure if I am ace-spec, but since I'm in a relationship with an acespec person I hope it was an interesting read.

Does anyone think they can help me? I never really thought of this community I never considered myself to be a part of one until now. so the thing is recently I've been starting to notice that I might be asexual. I am a guy and I have always found girls attractive and pretty, but I never really thought of having intercourse with them. Does this sound like being asexual or something else?

@LiaMaria666

When and how did you discover you where ace / somewhere on the ace spectrum? Or did you just know?

I realized very early on that I didn't feel attraction like other people. My mom is an lgbtq+ activist and she told me about asexuality when I was around 8-10 years old. I immediately clicked with that label and started identifying as it.

If you had sex before how was it for you? What did you feel during and after it?

I haven't had the full experience yet, but parts of it.

Tbh I enjoy it. I'm defintely sex-favorable, even if I feel zero attraction to other people.

How would you describe what being asexual means to a person who can't correlate? Not the official definition but what it means for you.

I like to describe it as being born color blind, in a world where people are really into color.

I don't hate color. I like listening to other people talking about what color is like. I'm happy that other people have color preferences and love indulging in activities that revolve around colors. But I just can't see color. I don't even know what seeing color is like.

Have you ever been asked why you are asexual?

Yes, definitely. But only by people who are really confused about asexuality. Like those who think it means abstinence or celibacy.

They usually stop asking once I explain that it's something you're born as, just like heterosexuality or homosexuality.

I mean, they still don't get it, but at least they stop asking.

Have you been told to see a doctor? That there is something wrong with you?

All. The. Time.

Even by my self-proclaimed "super supportive ally" family and friends. It never stopped either.

What are your experiences being in a ace / non ace relationship?

I've been in a lesbian relationship with an allo once. She knew I was ace and respected it. She didn't know I was also aromantic however (because neither did I at the time). It was really just a queerplatonic relationship mislabeled as a romantic one.

A thing that happened though is that she openly cheated on me, because she thought I wouldn't get mad about her doing things with other people that I don't experience attraction for.

Which maybe I would have been fine with if she had asked me about it first, but she didn't, so it still sucked in the end.

We fell appart over many things, but mostly I just didn't feel comfortable with any romantic gestures or situations. If I hadn't been aromantic as well it might have worked out. But at least now I know I definitely prefer qprs over romantic relationships.

And do you have any tips for getting to know other asexuals?

Getting to know other aces irl has been borderline impossible for me so far. So to other aces with the same struggle I say the internet is your friend. Aces have their own sub-communities planted just about everywhere on the web. Youtube, Tumblr, Reddit, you name it. Everywhere you dig, there will be some aces hanging out.

You find them the easiest by comming out first and having them shout "same" like gophers sticking their head out of their holes.

@LiaMaria666 Hello! I'm Jay they/them & she/her pronouns both are good! I know a big reason I started looking into asexuality was a friend of mine came out to me as ace and when she explained it to me it really intrigued me. At first I didn't think much of it, but I think over time I just started to realize how much I related. That constant nagging feeling of not wanting to have sex or not really being sexually attracted to people did not go away and that's when I sort of decided to start using asexual and see how I felt about it, that was around my first year of college so about 4 or 5 years ago now. In the past I've gone straight to the definition I've heard a hundred times to make it simple when explaining asexuality, but as far as what it means to me personally I've been starting to lean toward gray-sexual under the umbrella of asexuality. In the past I've wondered if I'm demi or gray, but I've never really decided so I've just stuck with asexual because it works as an umbrella term. So for me asexuality means that I have a different experience with sex than most of our culture. I don't really desire sex, I don't feel sexually attracted to other people, but rather have some sexual attraction in some specific situations to literally only one person, which is my fiancé lol I've never really liked hook-up culture I've always been very repulsed by sex portrayed in film and the like. It's just not for me! Sex looks very different for me and that's OK. It also helps that my fiancé is demisexual. Since I didn't really start identifying as ace until after relationships with non-aces I don't know what that would look like for me now. I suppose at the start my fiancé thought he was just heterosexual, until he met me and we discussed asexuality (because I was very up front about what it meant for me so we didn't have problems). It was sort of through me he figured out demisexual was more of a relatable identity for him. He had never been sexually attracted to anyone before but me (which i find super sweet and comforting for me as an ace)!

I don't have tips for getting to know asexuals simply because that's sort of the reason I popped on this forum! I want to meet more asexuals, find more asexual groups, and have more discussions in that realm and others. It helps to have a group of supportive aces around you!