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Stoffel
21 52,279 M Confident Walk
PathStep 526 Compassion hearts4,164 Forum posts337 Forum upvotes595 Current upvotes595 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2024 Member sinceDecember 9, 2019
Bio

Hi, I'm Stoffel. He/She/They. I love animated shows and learning languages.

I'm autistic, asexual and I have CPTSD and depression.


Recent forum posts
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Is it normal to not feel strongly after terrible trauma?
Trauma Support / by Stoffel
Last post
 December 6th, 2023
...See more TW: Family Abuse, Child Abuse & Loss. I've been through 4 years of continuous trauma, between 2018-2022. I've seen terrible things happen. I was forced to do things against my will day in and day out. And was I subjected to heinous emotional abuse. I was medically neglected, overworked to the bone, was forced to give up any money I earned, was isolated from the outside world, and had no hopes of a future. Many days I broke down screaming and sobbing. I had nightmares every night. I hallucinated the screams of those who were hurt around me whether I was awake or asleep. One night, I simply ran away. And in that moment I lost everything I had. My child, my mom, my siblings, my home, my belongings. I could only carry a backpack's worth of things as I escaped. All I could do was get as far away as possible. After that, I was homeless for a year. Through luck I got a flat last month, but it is still completely empty. I have to sleep on the floor and it's cold. And lonely. I haven't seen my child since I left. I don't have any legal rights over him and I know I can never see him again. I know he is desperately searching for me since I left. My mother disowned me immediately and forbid my relatives from having contact with me. My family was my whole life. Despite the abuse, I loved them more than anything. Now I have to fend for myself. But even after saying all that, I don't feel very terrible about what happened to me. I did as it was happening. But mere days after I left, I didn't feel much emotion about it anymore. I can talk about the most horrific things I've been through in detail and not shed a tear. I don't feel really sad or angry or depressed. I still get nightmares most nights, and I still can't shake bad memories, but both feel more like a nuisance. I don't panic or cry or frantically avoid things. I just sort of feel: "well what happened happened". It's like an indifference. Isn't that the opposite of what should have happened? Shouldn't I be haunted by the symptoms of PTSD? Shouldn't I feel more about the loss of my child, my family and my home? I'm not an uncaring person. I have high levels of empathy and usually cry over everything. Why can I just sit here and not feel bothered by 4 years of horrific trauma and terrible loss? If anyone has experience with this or has been through something similar, please, I'd love to hear it.
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Kopophobia won't go away
Anxiety Support / by Stoffel
Last post
 January 18th, 2021
...See more I recently discovered I have Kopophobia. A fear of fatigue or exhaustion. I already noticed years back that I have severe anxiety because of this irrational fear, but I didn't have a name for it. I was hoping it would just go away on its own if I forced myself to live life normally, instead of giving into it. ((((( TW for the backstory, just in case. I developed this phobia after becomming very physically sick for about a year or two. The illness was so severe that I was bed ridden most of the time and the fatigue it caused regularly made me unable to do things like speak, read, write, watch movies or even think. ))))) It was quite a traumatic experience, so I understand where the fear of becomming exhausted comes from. But I did my best to not let control my life. As a matter of fact, I became a workaholic for over a year afterwards. I did a lot of physically and mentally demanding work every day and thrived despite of it. I have proven to myself that I can survive tough work schedules and everday life. Now my life is balanced, and I work neither too little nor too much. But I still have anxiety before every little thing I do, as if it will cause me to drop dead from exhaustion. It makes me avoid many things. Even fun things, like movie nights. And I yell at people a lot when they give me tasks. Even if it's something really small and insignificant. I don't want this phobia to control my thoughts anymore. Jumping over my own shadow every single day for the smallest of things is so draining. I just don't know how to finally get rid of it. I already exposed myself to the thing I'm afraid of for several years. But my brain just won't learn that I'll be fine. What can I do?
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Feeling like the only person on earth with internalized aphobia
LGBTQ+ / MOGII Support / by Stoffel
Last post
 January 31st, 2020
...See more I'm an (aromantic) asexual and I can't stop hating my own orientation. I grew up in a super supportive environment. My mother has been a voluntary counselor for gay and trans people facing issues eversince I was a child and she still does it to this day. She raised us so we could be free to be whoever we are and to stand up and fight for the rights of others. We all came out really open and accepting because of that, but somehow I failed to be accepting towards myself. Gay, Trans, Demi, Enby, Flux, Fray, I'm super accepting towards everything. But for some reason I grew up despising asexuality. I get intense rushes of anger whenever I think about being asexual or when I get to feel that I don't experience attraction. It's like sandpaper on my brain. I hate seing ace positivity or our flag included in pride posts. And I often catch myself having phobic or gatekeeping thoughts, even though that completely goes against everything I believe in and stand for. I would never tell anyone such horrible things, but sometimes they pop up like in a game of whack-a-mole and I can't seem to stop myself from thinking it. I hate myself for thinking such horrible things about an innocent and marginalized community, but I just can't stop hating asexuality. Am I really alone in that? How can I learn to accept myself?
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