Your experiences being ace

Hi! I'm a 22 year old (she/her). I identify as asexual panromantic, and have done for around 5 years.

I didn't "just know". I struggled with it for a long time. I knew of asexuality, but kept trying to convince myself I wasn't because I didn't want to think about what asexuality might mean for me and my future (relationships mainly). I realised when I was younger that sex/attraction just seemed to distant to my understanding of love, I just couldn't connect the two in my mind or feel attraction. I assumed I was too young, until I was about 16/17 and had to accept it was who I was.

I first had sex at 19, it wasn't great. I hated it, it felt like nothing and I just felt so disattached from the situation. I hated thinking about sex and avoided it with my partner and we broke up because of it. I have sex with my partner now, years later after much personal growth, and while I still don't feel personally interested, I love being with them and sex feels fine.

I've been asked why I'm asexual, I've been called a freak, I've been called a robot, a vegetable, been labelled broken. I've also seen a doctor, and been told to. Nothing wrong with me - just ace!

I've been in ace & non ace relationships, they were very different. It depends on the person. The ace partner wanted sex more than the allo partner does, and respects that I don't a lot more. Find someone who cares about you, not your sexuality!

No tips for meeting aces except using AVEN and maybe twitter?

@LiaMaria666

Hello! I'm a female (she/her) in my mid-20s and consider myself demisexual. Still have yet to figure out if I'm pan- hereto- demi- or a- romantic. I discovered my demisexuality only a couple of years ago, after going out on 2-3 dates with a guy. Our feelings towards each other didnt align at all.

I feel as though I've never had a relationship with a significant other beyond what felt like friendship. And I am still a virgin, but that doesnt mean I dont masturbate - I relate heavily to the term autochorissexual.

I first learned about demisexuality and asexuality through interactions with online fandom, more specifically on Tumblr and through fanfiction. There's actually a lot of well-written fanfiction stories out there featuring asexual and demisexual characters. Plus I will admit that I am kinky (though thats all Im saying about that - not going into details about my kinks) and have had several insightful conversations on online group forums with other kinksters. It's weird to admit that I've learned the most about asexuality through an online kink platform. But it is what it is.

(How to explain asexuality in next comment...)

As for how to explain being asexual or demisexual to someone else, I really like to use the donut analogy (my explanation is an adaption of this Tumblr post): The ace isnt hungry for a donut. They could eat donuts if they wanted to, but they could also go without eating a single donut for the rest of their life. The demisexual only wants to eat their favorite flavor of donut. For them, eating a donut might not seem worth the calories or might not seem appealing unless its their favorite flavor. The journey to discover their favorite flavor of donut may also take years - years of observing and scenting the various flavors of donuts, or perhaps just the one donut that looks the most appealing. And the grey-ace is sometimes hungry for a donut and sometimes isnt hungry for a donut - it just depends on the moment. Any member of the ace spectrum may still appreciate how a donut looks or smells. They may even enjoy the sweet scent of a donut shop, or enjoy perusing the bright and colorful donuts in the showcases. But just as well, any member may find the scent, smell, or taste of donuts highly unappealing. People on the ace spectrum just might not be interested in eating a donut. (I hope you can find something in that explanation thats relatable to you)

@LiaMaria666

- I was in 8th grade, there was a lot of talk thruoughout the grade about dating, relationships and even sex (yes, 14 year olds were having sex with each other and at least one of them got pregnant). All my friends were badgering me about crushes for weeks and didn't accept that I just didn't have them?? So finally I just said "Look I don't have any crushes, im not really attracted to anyone that way I just dont like anyone!" And my best friend at the time had looked at me and said "Oh, so you're asexual?" And after a very confusing explaination and two weeks of google searches everything made sense.

- Never had sex, but I have regularly gotten myself off. Physically feels amazing and almost euphoric, like imagine the exhaustion after a huge tickle fight mixed with the feeling of an ear swab in your ear and like sinking into a warm bath after a tough day. So arousal n stuff? Feels really good, but can't really picture myself in a sexual scenario or with other people having sex.

- Think of it like coffee and tea. Half the world drinks coffee. Another half drinks tea. Majority of those on one side hat the other, while a large minority like drinking both. But me? I'd rather drink water. It's not that coffee and tea isn't good, nor am I allergic to leaves or beans, but I don't feel any desire to drink either. Sure I might take a sip of one or two in the future but it won't make me a coffee or tea person.

- yes (ran out of characters)

@LiaMaria666

part 2, sorry I type a lot

- Yes, I've been asked why. A friend's dad asked if anything "happened" to me. A teacher thought I was lying since, as he said, "I knew someone who said they were asexual but later on they dated and had sex in that relationship, so I don't really believe in it."

- I haven't been told to see a doctor yet. The closest I've gotten was that aforementioned summary.

- I've never dated T-T I tried asking out a friend but she was pan and really sexually active so that went as well as it could have meaning she kindly rejected.

Btw, I'm 19, polyromantic ace, she/her

Hey there!
I'm Lark, I'm 26 and nonbinary (they/them).
I'm not really identifying as ace, but I'm kinda questioning and might be demisexual if I wanted to put a label on it. The labels I've settled with sexualitywise until now were bi(sexual) and queer, but as I said, I might be demi or grey... idk.

What makes me question myself is, that I do have some ace friends and an ace boyfriend and that while I do feel occaisional sexual attraction, many things my ace-spec friends say are kinda relatable? I used to be in a relationship with a allosexual straight guy and I was active with him, but in a way that was more like "oh, okay, we're doing this now?" going with whatever was going on. Before we were dating we also flirted over text and I was pretty oblivious about some of the comments made. I mean... maybe I was a bit more innocent since it was my first boyfriend, but ??? I don't know I just felt even back then people around me were way more sexual than I was although I wasn't repulsed.

So now I'm in a relationship with an ace guy and it's my second relationship ever, but we're together for almost 6 years. When he said he wasn't really interested in sex for the first time (after we already began our relationship) I first was confused and didn't know if I could handle it as I was sexually attracted to him. We talked about it thouroughly and settled our personal limits. And since then it's been okay for both sides. And I have come to realize that I actually don't really need sex to be happy in a relationship. I'm a huge fan of cuddling too and there are different ways to be intimate and not have sex or at least not "conventional" hetero sex.

Also we've been talking about our thoughts about open relationships and he says that he couldn't forbid me anything anyway, but he doesn't really want to know if I had other sexual/romantic relationships and that made me think of if I even wanted one of those. Because I am actually open to polyamory, but the thought of being emotionally involved with more than one person makes me think "I don't even have time for that?!". And also if it's just strictly non-romantic... I catch myself being not sexually attracted to anyone at all if I don't have deeper feelings. So... yeah?

I don't know if my experience counts in here because I'm not even 100% sure if I am ace-spec, but since I'm in a relationship with an acespec person I hope it was an interesting read.

Does anyone think they can help me? I never really thought of this community I never considered myself to be a part of one until now. so the thing is recently I've been starting to notice that I might be asexual. I am a guy and I have always found girls attractive and pretty, but I never really thought of having intercourse with them. Does this sound like being asexual or something else?

@BloomingWarrior19

That does sound like you could be asexual.

What you might be experiencing is aesthetic attraction, where you think that others are pretty, but more like art pieces.

Or it might be romantic attraction. Meaning that you would potentially like a romantic relationship with them, but sex isn't part of the equasion for you.

Either way, I suggest you read up on all things asexuality and different types of attraction so that you can figure yourself out more easily.

Best of luck for that!

@LiaMaria666

When and how did you discover you where ace / somewhere on the ace spectrum? Or did you just know?

I realized very early on that I didn't feel attraction like other people. My mom is an lgbtq+ activist and she told me about asexuality when I was around 8-10 years old. I immediately clicked with that label and started identifying as it.

If you had sex before how was it for you? What did you feel during and after it?

I haven't had the full experience yet, but parts of it.

Tbh I enjoy it. I'm defintely sex-favorable, even if I feel zero attraction to other people.

How would you describe what being asexual means to a person who can't correlate? Not the official definition but what it means for you.

I like to describe it as being born color blind, in a world where people are really into color.

I don't hate color. I like listening to other people talking about what color is like. I'm happy that other people have color preferences and love indulging in activities that revolve around colors. But I just can't see color. I don't even know what seeing color is like.

Have you ever been asked why you are asexual?

Yes, definitely. But only by people who are really confused about asexuality. Like those who think it means abstinence or celibacy.

They usually stop asking once I explain that it's something you're born as, just like heterosexuality or homosexuality.

I mean, they still don't get it, but at least they stop asking.

Have you been told to see a doctor? That there is something wrong with you?

All. The. Time.

Even by my self-proclaimed "super supportive ally" family and friends. It never stopped either.

What are your experiences being in a ace / non ace relationship?

I've been in a lesbian relationship with an allo once. She knew I was ace and respected it. She didn't know I was also aromantic however (because neither did I at the time). It was really just a queerplatonic relationship mislabeled as a romantic one.

A thing that happened though is that she openly cheated on me, because she thought I wouldn't get mad about her doing things with other people that I don't experience attraction for.

Which maybe I would have been fine with if she had asked me about it first, but she didn't, so it still sucked in the end.

We fell appart over many things, but mostly I just didn't feel comfortable with any romantic gestures or situations. If I hadn't been aromantic as well it might have worked out. But at least now I know I definitely prefer qprs over romantic relationships.

And do you have any tips for getting to know other asexuals?

Getting to know other aces irl has been borderline impossible for me so far. So to other aces with the same struggle I say the internet is your friend. Aces have their own sub-communities planted just about everywhere on the web. Youtube, Tumblr, Reddit, you name it. Everywhere you dig, there will be some aces hanging out.

You find them the easiest by comming out first and having them shout "same" like gophers sticking their head out of their holes.

@LiaMaria666 Hello! I'm Jay they/them & she/her pronouns both are good! I know a big reason I started looking into asexuality was a friend of mine came out to me as ace and when she explained it to me it really intrigued me. At first I didn't think much of it, but I think over time I just started to realize how much I related. That constant nagging feeling of not wanting to have sex or not really being sexually attracted to people did not go away and that's when I sort of decided to start using asexual and see how I felt about it, that was around my first year of college so about 4 or 5 years ago now. In the past I've gone straight to the definition I've heard a hundred times to make it simple when explaining asexuality, but as far as what it means to me personally I've been starting to lean toward gray-sexual under the umbrella of asexuality. In the past I've wondered if I'm demi or gray, but I've never really decided so I've just stuck with asexual because it works as an umbrella term. So for me asexuality means that I have a different experience with sex than most of our culture. I don't really desire sex, I don't feel sexually attracted to other people, but rather have some sexual attraction in some specific situations to literally only one person, which is my fiancé lol I've never really liked hook-up culture I've always been very repulsed by sex portrayed in film and the like. It's just not for me! Sex looks very different for me and that's OK. It also helps that my fiancé is demisexual. Since I didn't really start identifying as ace until after relationships with non-aces I don't know what that would look like for me now. I suppose at the start my fiancé thought he was just heterosexual, until he met me and we discussed asexuality (because I was very up front about what it meant for me so we didn't have problems). It was sort of through me he figured out demisexual was more of a relatable identity for him. He had never been sexually attracted to anyone before but me (which i find super sweet and comforting for me as an ace)!

I don't have tips for getting to know asexuals simply because that's sort of the reason I popped on this forum! I want to meet more asexuals, find more asexual groups, and have more discussions in that realm and others. It helps to have a group of supportive aces around you!