Eva’s Crazy Mind

genuinely trying not to lose my mind right now. 

nobody’s there-

tw.

so i kinda said to myself that if anyone wanted to uh unalive me right now they’re free to

and my brain and imagination took it seriously.

@justmeeva sorry.   have you tried sitting in a corner? I know it probably sounds weird but your back is up against the wall that way. It feels alittle more secure 

@mytwistedsoul 

it doesn’t sound weird dw, we love corners <3. right now, since i have to move around a bit to do some things here and there, i can’t. soon, though 

@justmeeva I wondered if you knew about corners. It helps. Does it bother you during the day or just at night? 

@mytwistedsoul 

it seems like those things happen rather at nights, which makes sense, i guess. the darkness, lack of activities and distractions and all.

@justmeeva You're right. I can be totally fine all day and then come night the fear starts. There's less to keep us occupied with :/

@mytwistedsoul 

exactly. but it’s okay right now though, your online nightlight trick might’ve worked, anyway it’s not so bad right now <33 thank you again <3

@justmeeva That's great! I'm so glad it helped! Even just a little bit can help make a difference. You're very welcome! 💙

i slept like 4 and a half hours yesterday and like 11 hours today- we don’t talk about my sleep schedule. 

@justmeeva

relatable. 💜 *sends a hug if okie*

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

gladly accepts hug and sends some back 💗

@justmeeva

thank you for the hugs 💙

@justmeeva I'm just happy you got more than a couple hours of sleep

i’m not excited for my birthday anymore. i don’t look forward to it. it’s like it was with christmas this year. it’s just like any other day. besides, what’s there to celebrate? being alive? hah. lol. 

i’ve been clean about 45 days. it sounds kind of a lot but doesn’t feel like it. 

but um.. i think i’m gonna let myself relapse before i uh.. doonespecificthing.

not yet tho. sometime after my birthday. after my birthday, nothing will matter anymore. 

i should probably start writing that letter. 

because last time i seriously thought about doing it, i left the letter for too late and i wouldn’t have gotten to finish it in time. 

@justmeeva Is this the type of letter that I think it might be? You don't have to answer of course. Maybe it's just me that my mind always jumps to that one "specific"  thing 

@mytwistedsoul 

maybe

@justmeeva I - well - tbh I have been racking my brain trying to figure out how to reply to this. On one hand I understand because sometimes the pain and hurt is just too much to bear. But on the other hand I'd like to plead with you to change your mind. Is there anything that would make things better for you? 

@mytwistedsoul 

mm, not really tbh. it’s been on my mind for a long long time now. but it’s not your fault, or anyone from cups, or anyone at all, i think. maybe mine, and life’s.  

also nfta, even i don’t know what i’d reply. :’) <3

@justmeeva Please feel free to tell me to mind my own business ok? I don't mean to pry and I don't want to trigger you or anything. From a lot of what I've read here and there. With the fear and the nightmares and bad memories - you have trauma yeah? You've never told anyone? I don't know what you went through - I don't need to. But I'm so sorry that those things happened to you and I'm so sorry that you're dealing with the aftermath 💙 

@mytwistedsoul 

honestly, i don’t even know at this point. i wouldn’t call anything i’ve gone through trauma, it seems like over exaggerating. i’ve gone through loss, loss-loss and just having people gone from my life, but calling it trauma seems invalid to me. like it’s nothing big or traumatic enough to count as trauma. there’s nothing specific, i guess. as much or little as i’ve researched or read about ptsd, i seem to have a lot of similarities in the coping and avoiding and triggering and everything, but i won’t self diagnose obviously. i don’t know. i’m really confused myself. 

but yeah, i’ve kind of made up my mind i guess. but i don’t want you to worry or think about it. no need to add any stress or worry to your life <3 and, thank you for being here <3 /gen

@justmeeva Loss can be traumatic though. If it was sudden or unexpected. Even if the person was sick for a while and you knew the outcome. The loss of a pet or even a job can be traumatic. The definition of trauma is "the lasting emotional response that results from living through a distressing event". Some people just handle things differently. They cope better - probably because they have supportive family and friends they can talk to. Guess I just wanted you to know that 💙

You're welcome and Thank You for talking with me about this 

i *** hate nightmares. 

my vision is blurry. 

i don’t think i’m gonna sleep anymore.

it’s 5am 

gonna go find distractions. getting nightmares out of your head is always torture.

well, guess running on 3h of sleep isn’t so bad. 

mom said that i should have a couple of hours a day free from screens. her explanation was that you have to have time to just be, because that’s when you’re connected to yourself. i get the idea, but you see, mom, when i’m repeatedly thinking about my own death, trying to avoid remembering certain painful memories and in a loud endless war with my mind, then taking away the distractions is really not the solution. because then i’ll go for different distractions and methods and that’s really not better. trust me. 

i made my lip bleed. again. i always pick on them until they do. 

but it’s a better alternative than some others, i guess. so it’s no big deal at all. 

too tired. 

guilt here guilt there guilt *** everywhere.

btw, if anyone here feels like i haven’t been around lately or reached out, then yeah it’s true. it’s not intentional, i’m just tired. exhausted, even. it takes too much effort to even do something as simple as reaching out and asking about someone’s day. thinking of replies has become hard. i’m sorry. i do think about it constantly, believe me. and i do feel guilty and bad about it. what a friend. but i try. i try to try, at least. i still have you all in my mind all the time. but i might keep to myself for a little. i’m open to talking, i just won’t be the starter of it, probably. 

(also, a little note, when i upvote a post, it doesn’t mean i agree to it always. like when it’s some negative comment about someone’s self, then my upvote will mean that i saw it and saw them, not that i necessarily agree. felt like i had to clarify that, just in case. idk.) 

<3