Eva’s Crazy Mind

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

i’ve thought about it actually <3 but i feel like my overthinker brain would then start to have a hard time deciding where to post what o_o like- so that’s why there’s not another thread rn (yet?) lol. but the idea is good <3

@justmeeva

yep, i get the overthinking. sometimes i feel like our brains can start running off in different directions. (not literally running off lmao) and the overthinking can get in the way. even if we want to start a new thread our brains just get in the way and make it so much harder to do so :/ 

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

mhm exactly <3 :’)

@justmeeva

huggies you if okie <3 

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

*huggles* 🩷

i made the mistake of reviewing some memories. from all the fun and sweet moments i’ve had in the group chats. i miss them. my friends. i haven’t seen most of them for months. i have no idea how most of them are doing. some have left cups for one reason or another. i really really *** miss them. but i can’t go back there now. because i can’t just pop in one time after months and then leave again. it wouldn’t be fair to anyone. so i’ll just keep missing them. and hope they’re okay. and feel sorry. 

oh i really *** wish i would’ve done it. 

moms calling oof. 

she asked how i was doing w the assignments and i said i finished only 1 of them (lie lmao) and she said “well that’s something at least” (she’s in a good mood it seems) and then she talked about taking me to school tomorrow which made me silently cry <33

i’m like really tempted to try smt. 

when there’s so many tears your vision goes blurry lol <3

@justmeeva

🥺😞💜

gonna go.

@justmeeva

…ik it can be hard to but i’m really hoping you’ll be safe… <3 love you eva /p 

so i slept 2-3 hours before mom came home. during dinner, she told us (me and my sister) about how she had such a good day. i wanted to cry. i wanted to cover my ears. i wanted to scream “shut up!”. but all i did was stare blankly at the food and eat. and pray that she wouldn’t ask “what about you?”. because i would’ve snapped. i would have. 

and there she went mentioning something about my future. start of 9th grade. won’t happen. stop mentioning it. 

are you *** kidding me

she said- no stafu 

she said she went across some person on the internet who works with students who need help studying or smt and that person had said that the only reason students don’t want to go to school is screens. screens. are you *** kidding me? ever occurred to you that maybe, just maybe, it’s something actually related to school? i’m gonna lose my *** that’s- i’m gonna go. 

@justmeeva

…they always say it’s “screens” 🤦🏻‍♀️ 

@justmeeva

*offers some hugs* im sorry eva :') 

i hate my life and i hate today and i hate tomorrow and i hate the fact that there is a *** tomorrow 

man i was so close to getting away of all this ***

i’ve cried so much today, so much

and nothing’s even getting better, it’s all just getting worse, i’m just getting *** worse

should’ve *** when i had the chance. 

i quite literally cried all day today. i cried when i was alone. i cried when mom was home. i had so many breakdowns that this whole day was one big breakdown. i mentioned depression and the way i don’t choose to be like this, i said “everything” to my mom asking “what’s wrong?”, when my mom said that i have so many relatives and everyone who want to help me i said “but they don’t know anything”. but she still didn’t seem to notice. she was kind and supportive when talking to me, but the whole talk was useless. she still didn’t listen enough. she still didn’t notice. she still doesn’t understand. she still doesn’t know. she agreed to talk again tomorrow morning since it was late already. we’ll see. 

my eyes are red from crying. i couldn’t stop. my head hurts from crying nonstop. everything’s so much, and it’ll continue to be. that’s the worst i’ve been, and it still keeps going. still keeps getting worse. i need a break. but that’s only a stupid wish. it’s unrealistic. life goes on, no matter what. that’s just the way it is. i had so much more to say, so much. if only i could speak. if only i could speak. 

i’m so, so tired. tired of life. tired of struggling. tired of depression. tired of crying. tired of being me. tired of everything. really, really tired. 

but it doesn’t matter, does it. life’s not gonna stop just because eva is tired. it’ll go on. the sun will rise and set over and over, no matter how much she might beg it not to. school will move on, not even noticing she’s gone. unless she’s in trouble. then they’ll be mad not concerned. they think she’s just lazy. but they don’t know anything. nobody does. so she’ll just slowly fade away, alone. and one day she’ll be gone. then they’ll notice. then they’ll care. 

@justmeeva But it does matter. You matter. I know you don't feel like you do but you really do. I'm sorry you had such a bad day today. I'm sorry that you're hurting so much right now that it makes you feel like giving up. I'm glad you're still here

It's hard to tell people the truth of what you're really thinking and feeling. It's scary too.  The words seem to disappear when we need them the most. And talking to parents is kind of like talking to the wind. They don't listen. For whatever reason most adults don't listen. They think they have all the answers and know everything but they don't. What do you think she'd say if she knew your truth - your thoughts and feelings? Sometimes it's easier to write things down. Could you write her a letter and give it to her? Is there some way that you could help her notice and understand? 

Feel free to ignore this and there's no pressure to reply or anything

@mytwistedsoul 

i’ll think about it. thank you <3

@justmeeva Thank YOU for giving it some thoughts because that's all anyone can really ask - that you think about it 💙

tw

back to being not okay i wanna break something i wanna scream i wanna leave i tried doing something unsafe but not to the point it became unsafe and now i’m gonna …. because that’s how i deal with *** nowadays bbl. 

that’s it.

she knows. 

she found out. 

she asked me why i was wearing those hand warmer/sleeve things and the she said “please tell me you’re not copying this popular self pity thing”.

there was no concern 

there was no- sadness