Eva’s Crazy Mind

it’s a ‘rethinking, overthinking and doubting everything’ kind of night again which means that i’m probably gonna post a lot already. 

i’m not expecting replies tbh bc idk if i myself could put up with this kind of me. ngl idek if it was a good idea, now i’m starting to think that people might just see this side of me and realise that eva can’t always be her happy positive sweet supportive self 🙃

@justmeeva u dont always have to be ur happy self :0 smtimes its okay to be low. And if u feel low more than sometimes than its our fault as a society for creating a low environment :0 

@justmeeva and thats completely okay and thats very relatable

i just realised how easy i am to replace :D isn’t that a cool discovery 

i think i’m returning to the bad place. things are going downhill again. i’m getting worse again. what a shame. 

i feel like i’m starting to lose people again :D but what can i do, it happens. always does. they all leave at the end and idk why. it’s not like it doesn’t hurt but idk if i’m able to try and fight anymore. i’m probably the reason anyway. maybe it’s just better that way 🙃

just to be clear: i’m gonna be pretty impossible here. this is the place where i come when i don’t have the energy to be positive and nice anymore. if i for some reason leave an impression like i don’t care, it is not true. i do. sometimes that’s the problem. anyway, i do appreciate everyone here, i do appreciate compliments and motivational messages, i really really do, but sometimes i’m too tired to be okay. to pretend to be okay. i’m writing this as if i expect anyone to see it lol. sorry in advance for the mistakes i’m gonna make. 

random quotes/sentences/messages that explain my mind:

the more i care the more it hurts. 

i hate emotions so much. i’d do anything to get rid of them. but… i also complain when i’m feeling numb. i think i want too much. i think i’m selfish. always complaining. stupid emotions. stupid feelings. 

one day i’ll move out, have my own life, gain control, be healthy, get everything i’ve ever wanted and be happy. however, it’s gonna take years to get there. until then, i’m just trying to survive. 

i don’t know me. 

“disappointed but not surprised.”

“who do you want to be when you grow up?”

someone else. 

“you will never regret being kind” they said. then why do i kinda?

''you left me but never my mind.''

its crazy how one negative thing can destroy and delete every good thing ever said or done to you. everything just gone with a blink of an eye. it’s pretty scary. how words and actions can affect people like that. why is it like that?

why do sad depressing songs comfort me so much lol. 

ngl i’m kinda afraid of people finding out about how i’m not doing okay. 

it’s kind of sad how i always want to be less or more. never satisfied with myself. ever. will i ever be? idk.

it’s pretty sad how i’m okay with being used by now because that’s usually the only way i feel even a little important, the only way i’m communicated with. funny how i’m willing to give everything for some company, for some care that i know is fake. for people who wouldn’t even hesitate to leave me out. for people who likely talk *** about me behind my back. for people who’d only choose me if they had no other choice. but, better than being completely alone right? right…?

i’m in this weird state right now where it’s like i don’t care about anything anymore, like i want to laugh at how absurd everything is, but i’m too burnt out to do that. it’s not the empty feeling, that’s not it, it’s something else. it’s like i’m mad, but not quite. it’s like i’m sad, but not quite. it’s like i’m having a tornado of emotions, but not quite. i don’t understand this.

i’m probably pretty exhausting to deal with tbh. i wish i wouldn’t have to deal with myself either. lol. 

ok i’m starting to annoy myself now. off to bed. goodnight… me. 

i hate feeling like i’m annoying, especially if i don’t know if it’s actually so or not. 

i’ve always wanted to fit in. never really did. 

am i invisible?

@justmeeva no goofy 

why doesn’t home feel like home anymore? why do i want to get out of here? be anywhere else but here? nothing’s even really wrong, what’s going on?

maybe i’m just meant to be alone afterall.

why am i even hoping anymore?

i’m useless and lonely again yayy :D

i wonder what would happen if i just disappeared for some time. the voices in my head are telling me that nobody will notice and they’ll just find another. i kind of agree. but wait, can’t do that! it would be “attention seeking” wouldn’t it :D. guess we’ll never know. 

i don’t like this kind of me. 

i *** hate it when things don’t hit the same after some time anymore. songs, videos, messages, whatever. why does life keep finding *** to take from me? why does life not want me to be happy? am i really that unworthy?

i’m so *** lonely i sometimes make up fake scenarios of me having actual friends lmao. 

missing someone sucks really damn much, especially if you don’t know anything: why they left, how they’re doing rn, if it’s your fault, what you should do now, if you’ll ever see them again. 

i can’t love, not even like myself. why am i expecting anyone else to?