my journal: various subjects, opinionating, CW at times
The title explains itself.
If you're interested in the ramblings of a middle-aged man with chronic conditions who, at times, sees things a little too clearly for his own good, then read on.
Sometimes I get political, but it won't be all the time.
I don't mind comments in general but if you're going to differ with what I write, that's fine--as long as you can explain your position clearly & reasonably. Rants, shouting & general incoherence will be ignored or flagged, depending on the situation. Try to remember that not everyone else in this world holds your beliefs.
Every so often I may post art or snapshots of projects I'm working on.
If you're still interested after reading all the above, great. (I do wonder at how much time you have on your hands, though)
I've never seriously believed in reincarnation, or "past lives"... However, if I did I'd guess that in a previous life I was either
- a cow, or
- a homebuilt methane generator.
I'll let you figure out why.
@slowdecline48 a cow haha!🐄🐄 I bet it was a cow😂😂😂😂 wonder what you'll be in your next life🤔🤔🤔🤔
Knowing me, I'll probably be a mud volcano... 🌋💨💩💩💩
@slowdecline48 😂😂😂😂😂😂
Accidental Humor
@slowdecline48 oh dear! Parents do not buy this for your kids, I repeat do not buy😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Yesterday I still managed to do what I had to (medical appointment, x-ray) even with fiery guts & lower back pain. But it took quite a bit of energy overall. By the time I got home, I felt fairly drained.
This morning my GI tract has settled down, thank the spirit of Montezuma* for his mercy...my back still hurts, however. Today will be the 4th day of going through this s***. Absurdity. I am so shoddily constructed, it's ridiculous.
Right now, all I wanna do is drink something & lie down...& transplant my brain into some kind of high-speed, armored robot body. That would solve most of my problems, right there. If it were possible I would happily leave this 3rd-rate bag of guts & bones for the gators to eat.
*Montezuma's revenge--except I haven't gone to Mex. And I don't contract intestinal parasites from bad food. Gotta love IBS.
@slowdecline48 I feel your pain😥
I cruised through the Music & Dance forum here about three times now... Am pretty sure that one reply I posted disappeared. Oh well *shrug* ...it got me thinking, though.
Would anyone here be interested in a playlist? It would be from my own preferences. You would get an idea of my taste in music. Who knows whether you'd agree with it or not, for taste is purely subjective as always, gentle reader.
In other news, it's not news: my conditions have me parked in my office chair....but I did manage to do a bit of sanding on a small project this morning. A minor triumph.
@slowdecline48 any triumph is a huge one. I wanna listen to your taste in music. Only problem I can only use Amazon music
@Tinywhisper11 You can't use SoundCloud? Don't tell me the people who run the care home decreed SoundCloud off limits, too... There isn't even any video on the site! I'm pretty sure there are filtering options there, if certain content is problematic. Even then, it all comes down to what you're looking for...somehow, I just can't imagine you blaring songs by Slayer or Mastodon out of the speakers.
@slowdecline48 no it's not of limits I can get it 🤔🤔 if I knew how, but I hear voices, music calls them, but when adverts come on it frightens me a bit. And confuses me, it's a similar effect with tv. So at the moment I'm not mentally able to watch it. They got me Amazon music, cause it's nom stop music. No adverts
@Tinywhisper11 Hey ❤️ Maybe @slowdecline48 could just put the titles and artists here and you could look them up on Amazon?
@mytwistedsoul I can do that ❤😁 good idea soul ❤❤
@Tinywhisper11 ❤️ Yay! Figured it might just be easier for you that way. Hopefully Slow can just copy and paste his playlists
@Tinywhisper11 As far as I know, SoundCloud doesn't have ads either. There's tons of free tracks on there, of all kinds. There are also tracks you have to pay to listen to, & entire albums you can download. Ads are only a problem on platforms like YooToob; aside from--
It's weird...despite their being way overplayed in the early to mid-2000's & my never having been into their music, I kinda miss the Red Hot Chili Peppers now. Am not sure why...guess it's nostalgia.
Every older person says this about the decades they grew up & experienced young adulthood in but to he11 with it...I'm gonna say it anyway: The 1990's & the early 00's were a special time. You kids born after the turn of the millennium have no idea what you missed. We had our problems then, but that's nothing new...every era has its problems. I could go on at length as to what was great about those decades... All I'm saying is, there was no time like the 90's & the millennium's turn before, & it will never be repeated.
I could complain some more today...the way things are shaping up, this will be an interesting year. In the way of that not-actually-Chinese curse "may you live in interesting times". Definitely have reasons to b**ch & moan now... But then I remember that several members here (maybe a majority??) have worse problems than mine. So I feel like I shouldn't say anything...
@slowdecline48 never compare your problems to others, your problems are equally as bad as any one elses
@Tinywhisper11 Fair warning: if you read this then we're goin' off into the weeds here, because I'm in bed with a mild flare-up but feeling philosophical this time...
So I kinda see your point but that isn't exactly how I would phrase it. It's not a question of whether my problems are "equal" to anyone else's, so much as the fact that personal problems are subjective. Inherently so. They cannot be otherwise, because while some of us can mentally "put ourselves in someone else's shoes" to an extent (how well one can do it depends on empathy, imagination & a basic level of intelligence), that only goes so far. Person A can never completely know person B's experience because A can only be A...A cannot be B. I believe this is true for every living thing.
In my initial post, I was thinking of you among others. Your story is rough as shark's skin rubbed backward...but I've never gone through daily life without legs or a broken spinal column. Nor was I raised inside a cult. (My spiritual journey would need a whole other post!) I will never know what it's like to go through such horrific experiences. I can sort of empathize with you about Joshua; while I've never given birth or lost a baby, I have lost loved ones--their physical deaths were almost a relief, as the last few years of their lives were the real tragedy. Yearrrrs ago I took in a baby bird that had fallen out of a nest, & tried to nurse it back to health. The pathetic little creature didn't last 72 hours. I tried my best but it wasn't good enough. I buried the bird, grieved for a couple nights, then went on with my life.
By the same token, you will never know how it feels to have once been strong & quick & sharp--even with the few little chronic ailments I had, I was something--only to find out your body is just not strong enough to do the work you set out to do, twice...& then to watch even the limited physical ability you have to crumble half to dust, with the onset of a condition that can't be cured & robs your life of most possibilities for happiness.
You also do not know what it's like to make a mistake that will affect the rest of your life, & have to go through your days while aware that when it came to a major decision in your early adulthood, you f**ked it up. If I could do it all over again, I would go to a university but I'd definitely not go in the direction I went in while I was a student. Some mistakes in life can be fixed, but my choice of major isn't one of them. Once in a while, mentally I still kick myself over it.
@slowdecline48 I understand all that as much as I possibly can ❤❤
I was just saying that you have every right to feel the way you feel, and be the real you ❤ because I believe
It doesn't matter who's rich and who's poor, who's had it easy and who's had it hard, it doesn't matter who came from where, we are all humans, we all struggle we all suffer, we all feel the same emotions. We are all in the same boat ❤
Lately, in a few of my dreams things occur in places where I was a kid...at times, where I was very young. Why I'm having these dreams now, I don't know...
Maybe because the older you get the less time you have left? Therefore when I nod off & start to mentally drift, subconsciously I'm returning to where I still have time...where the future has yet to play out. But this is just a hypothesis.
...Christ with a pie to the face, I f$¶€ing hate getting old.
@slowdecline48 It's been a pretty rough and busy week for you - with appointments and your GI tract giving you trouble. And pain - that always makes things feel even more worse
I hope you feel better soon Slow
@mytwistedsoul hi soul ❤❤
@Tinywhisper11 Hey Tiny ❤️😊❤️
@slowdecline48 I'm sorry your feeling so poopy. I am here for ❤❤ gives you a giant tiny healing hug ❤❤I love you
Hey there, @Tinywhisper11... You were right, Lo'. It's not a good idea to compare one's own suffering to another's...it looks bad. Now if only everyone else was aware of that.
Bet you never thought you'd teach me anpything, eh? You did! 😄 I kinda learned the rest of the lesson this evening, from messaging with someone else(not a Cupser).
@slowdecline48 yaaaay! From now on let it be known through cups, I'm smarter than you😎😁😁😁😁😁😁😁
Hardy har har. Actually that's one way I got so smart: by learning from people in all walks of life. (The other way is by having a brilliant dad. 🤓) Not that everyone has something to teach others...the one who did the one-upping yesterday evening ain't got diddlys**t to teach me, for anything, because she is average. *yecchhh* 😖
Until I started texting with her this past week, I had forgotten why I normally don't deal with average people unless I have to. It's all coming back now. 😒 They can be nice enough but after they've told you all about themselves--it can take from 20 minutes to a day--there's nothing more to talk about with them. And their political opinions!... 🤮 They're so limited.
There's only so much a person can do when his/her IQ is at room temperature.
@slowdecline48 did you just call me dumb!?!?!??😲😲😲
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 true friends will stay and chat, about anything and everything ❤❤
@Tinywhisper11 I thought we already talked about this. You're not dumb, just uneducated. Dumb people have every chance in the world to cultivate their minds (especially these days!)--& still never do so. Seriously, we can look up damn near anything on our phones & laptops these days, we have more access to information of all kinds than at any earlier time in all of history...& most people still do not learn any more than they absolutely have to. Even now, it still chaps my a.s.s.
@slowdecline48 I also replied just now to your vent ❤❤ just scroll up ❤
@Tinywhisper11 Thanks. It started out as a sort of contemplation, then became slightly "venty" in the 2nd half. 😄
@slowdecline48 I know you suffer so much with your chronic illnesses and the mental impact it has on you😞 but I think your one grrreeeat guy ❤❤ I'm honoured to be able to call you my friend ❤
That's sweet of you to say so, Lo'. If our talks on here have helped you in any way, then I can be content in having helped a most deserving young woman. I can't fix your body or mine, I cannot set everything in this world right...but hopefully I've made a difference, however small.
@slowdecline48 you definetly do help me ❤ in many ways. Your funny little phrases make me smile "jesus on toast"😂😂😂 I think our pain levels are around the same, and you keep going, so I do too ❤ you teach me alot, you always take the time to explain things I don't understand, most people don't have that kind of patients with me ❤ and most importantly your my friend, this site is the only place I've ever had friends, so I'm very grateful for that ❤❤ gives you a giant tiny hug ❤❤ how are you feeling today?
Remember this, my fellow Americans: when all else fails, there's always Robot Chicken.
Also - The YT channel "Boba Fett" has a ton of old episodes from the show.
@slowdecline48 robot chicken?!?! I'm not sure you can eat that🤔🤔🤔🤔
😆 Lola...Robot Chicken is a comedy show full of short skits, done entirely with stop-motion animation. It's kinda special to some of us, hun. I feel a bit guilty telling you about this, as the staff at the care home probably won't let you watch it. Sometimes its humor can get pretty dark. (Do they let you get Netflix or...?)
@slowdecline48 ok your about to find out how boring my life is be warned. I have a tv in my room, but, I hear voices and watching tv somehow confused my brain and triggers flashbacks even with the tv volume down, my psychiatrist said it's probably to do with the scene changes and fast movements that confused my brain which triggers flashbacks😞 I only knew tv's resisted a few years ago so I have officially watched nothing yet. My carers are showing me clips and short videos on their phones/computers to try get me used to it slowly. So yep I don't use social media, I can't watch tv, I don't leave the carehome (cause it's scary out therr) so yep my life is boring, to most people. But to me it's perfect ❤ I have a great life now
@Tinywhisper11
If you don't mind my asking, what do you do to get through the days? I can't imagine there's too many activities on the care home, what with all the rules...
@slowdecline48 I wake up....., then it's 5 o clock..... Then I go to sleep
😂😂😂😂 my life is pretty dull, but compared to what it was like a prefer this life ❤ in the mornings I come on here and have a couple of cups of coffee. When it's warmer I then go sit outside under the willow tree watch the sunrise and do art and crafts. Colder weather I do art and crafts inside. But I do try to sit outside under the willow tree at some point. I do gentle stretches and exercises with my carers, then I have to shower (it takes to carers to shower me😞) I do then go into the communal living room, and talk to the elderly folk, well not really talk I listen to their stories. Then I hug my guinea pigs in turn, sometimes they will only stay for a minute then other times they will cutch with me for 10 minutes. By this time my pain levels are very high, so my carers carry me to bed, put on my relaxing things, and I come here till my pain levels are unbearable then I sleep it off.. Tadaa that is what all my days are like. But I'm free and safe and happy ❤
@purpleTree4652 Re "what do you watch on YT?":
I figured this thread would be a more appropriate place to answer... Not as much as I used to watch, these days. But YouRube is the closest thing I have to "TV" of any kind. I've downloaded a s***-ton of videos by now so if I feel like it & have the energy, I can upload a few from my portable HD to my laptop & watch as often as I want.
When I'm in the mood for mindless escapism, any kind of comedy will do: "best of" clips of Seinfeld, Family Guy, King of the Hill, JKX episodes (Jamie Kennedy's glory days!), etc. Also the reaction videos, though only from certain channels (some are obviously faked). It's interesting to see younger African-Americans, particularly, react to the music & movies of my generation: 80's & 90's rock/metal, stand-up comics of that time, etc. Ditto for Millennial & Gen-Z reactors in other countries like the UK. On one hand they ensure the culture of my place & time won't be forgotten, but at the same time their comments & thoughts remind me of how much everything has changed.
When I want to learn something, I hit up the appropriate channels for that. I'm a milhist & ancient history geek so my go-tos are Fall of Civilizations, Kings and Generals, Pike and Shot, etc. There are dozens & dozens of history-themed channels on YT...if you ever get the bug, you'll be spoiled for choice. (It does not have to be military history, either--I watched maybe a half-dozen vids on 18th- & 19th-century women's clothing/fashions! Whatever your interest, if enough people are into it then someone out there is researching the history of it & writing/speaking about it!)
They're not all equal in quality, however. Weird History doesn't do decent research & recycles old myths & errors; as for the HISTORY Channel...one of its more infamous recent episodes was about aliens building the Pyramids of Egypt. 🙄
For a while I watched vids on religious topics, particularly Christian ones because I am not a Christian & never have been, but I've had a few Christian friends. They can be some of the nicest people you'll ever meet but whenever we had religious convos I had no idea where they were coming from. Now I comprehend it a bit more--though the basic creed still doesn't make sense to me--so I don't watch as much of those anymore. Am still interested in the history of the Catholic & Eastern Orthodox churches, though...particularly from the 8th to 14th centuries, give or take a hundred years.
I occasionally catch the news from sources that are not legacy media in our country. American news corporations have so many problems now & their slants/biases are so ingrained--particularly FOX News & MSNBC--that I have no use for what they put out. So I look to alternative & foreign sources. The WION channel is based in India if memory serves, & I've seen some quality reporting from it. Even some foreign sources have issues, however; beware of anything al-Jazeera puts out on Middle East-related or controversial topics--that outfit is run by the government of Qatar. They're a sneaky bunch. I don't catch the news as much as some people because once you've read enough history about enough places outside the United States, current events don't surprise you too often... [CW: current events, war, the history rabbit hole. Skip the following if you like]
__________
Take the current Russo-Ukraine war: it is run by today's leaders & general staffs with today's weapons & tech, but other than that, not much has changed. Ever since the early Russian city-states threw off the Mongol/Tartar yoke, & even more so since the reign of Peter I ("the Great") in the late 17th to early 18th centuries, for Russia the motto has always been "grow or d!e". Like all landlocked nations Russia is perennially insecure; the only warm-water port anywhere nearby is Sevastopol. Russians have almost always looked westward for expansion; over 80% of its population is gathered in the westernmost quarter of the country. Problem is, Ukraine is there...as is Poland, etc. The earliest records of Russian civilization are situated in what is now eastern Ukraine. About once every century something sets off the Russian government--tsarist monarchy, Socialist regime, now Putin's dictatorship--& it tries to take more land in its west. Every time it runs into opposition. Today the opposition is Ukraine, Germany, the EU (to a lesser extent), & us (which I am opposed to & don't think we should be involved, but that's a whole different discussion). In the time of Peter the Great, he worked to modernize & expand Russia even as its westernmost territory was being invaded by the Swedish kingdom's army under Karl XII. Ukraine itself was completely swallowed up in the last year of WW1; it was only reconstituted as a modern nation after that war ended.... Everything changes, & everything remains the same.
@slowdecline48
Wow
I read it all. You're so deep, even at 3am. And your mind is so healthy. You eloquently talk about very knowledgeable topics. That's very impressive.
I'm getting ready to go to sleep.
Do you like it when our days get longer?
Moses & Jesus in a f***ing pink Cadillac, I have to learn to sleep at night somehow...at least part of the night. I've been a nocturnal animal for most of my life but let's face it: we live in a world run by day people. It has always been so & will never change (unless AIs & sentient networks take over. I hope they do)... So I gotta adapt somehow.
Already tried setting the alarm on my phone, more than once. Didn't help. Maybe I need to be more disciplined, I dunno. What can I do?...that doesn't involve opiates or other addictive drugs, & doesn't turn me into a zombie during waking hours...
On the other hand, there's one reason to be happy:
Metals prices from last evening.
@slowdecline48 do you own a lot of gold and silver??? I'm a morning person. Although ideally my sleep schedule is by far not a good one. But you could try, lots of caffeine, a cold shower some feel good music. Their my favourite morning thing s. Also it helps to get straight up, don't lie there thinking "I'll get up in a minute" oh and another of my favourite morning things is sitting outside with some coffee, and listening to the birds wake up and watch the sunrise ❤
@Tinywhisper11 No, I don't. I'm not Warren Buffett, dear... If I had that kind of money I wouldn't be living where I am now. I sure as h*ll wouldn't be a renter, & my health would be a little better than it is because I would have access to first-rate medical care. (In the United States we don't have public health care like in Canada, Britain & the EU...over here, it's all about what you can afford) As far as metals go, I have more than none but much less than I'd like.
I am not, nor have I ever been, a morning person. 👻💤
@Tinywhisper11 One other problem: I have to watch my caffeine intake. Too much of it aggravates my Meniére's & I'll get a flare-up. So I rarely ever have coffee. I had to give it up, dammit...stopped drinking it in 2021. Meniére's disease makes for a boring, lame-a.s.s life.
@slowdecline48 don't worry! I drink enough coffee for the both of us ❤❤