in the wonders of my mind💗.

_{and if I feel like it I’ll do my french thing tomorrow in the morning too. and hopefully my teachers gonna forget about it- except she won’t it’s a speaking test and we have to stand in front of the class and get judged and then the teachers gonna say something judgy in front of everyone and now everyone knows you failed}

_7:05. 

_7:10

_7:13

_{7:15 byee :’)}

I could’ve came on a lot earlier I just don’t feel like talking about today. 

I had a full breakdown in history. 

I just realized how much I don’t wanna talk about it that’s it then I guess 

.

_{i didn’t wanna not post today but every part of my day was horrible and I don’t wanna talk about it so}

_.

_{friday. we’re 3 weeks in :’) my friend is really really sick and hasn’t been to school this whole week except monday and when she missed 1 day before this week her attendance dropped to 85% and her mom would never let her be absent if it wasn’t that serious either way but it is. I left for bus again. I’ve been taking off my lanyard the minute I’d leave my lead class because my lead teacher is the only one that actually cares about that, they made it a thing now where it’s part of your uniform and you could get a standards card if a teacher sees you not wearing yours but from your lanyard teachers can tell if you go home by bus or your own transport and I’ve been going when bus students were every day now.} 

_{um okay. enough not talking about the bad stuff.} 

_{so uh. my friend that’s absent she’s pretty much my only friend. I don’t actually have that many. everyone’s in friend groups and a lot of people don’t like me and I’ve been}

stop crying stop crying stop crying stop stiefqdnosdfbajkyedbj

why am I crying :’) 

I actually cant. 

I’ve been really lonely lately. and in that history class I started crying because in maths the class before someone threw a paper plane to my head and as stupid as it sounds it actually hurt like there’s no way that was paper, and then I turned around and it was someone I thought liked me (as a person we talked like once) and his friend and they were laughing so hard they couldn’t breathe they were laughing at me 

I’m gonna sit on the floor. 

yeah then his friend started making this face at me and doing this dance but yeah he was basically just being annoying 

and now that guy cause one of thems in my lead class keeps staring at me or talking about me he talks about me so much and now the other guys in the class probably don’t like me cause he’s friends with all the guys in the class and when he’s there they’re all staring at me so whatever anywho 

my friends made it really really clear and obvious that she doesn’t care about me at all and if she got a new friend she’d leave me because the only thing I’m good for is so that she doesn’t look like she doesn’t have any friends 

this took me a long time to write because I started crying halfway through but I’m gonna start going downstairs now

part 2 if I feel like it/j 

_{in music today I started crying too because I was talking to a teacher and then that same guy and his friend took what I was working on while I wasn’t looking and then I turned around and it wasn’t there and I looked at them first and they had it and they were just looking right at me} 

I swear if they asked I would’ve just given it to them I swear I would have. and then I went to get a xylophone thing from in front of our class and I walked in carefully and when I put it on my table it fell to the side and it was so loud and all the letter things fell out and I looked stupid and this one kid was just staring at me they’re in my Islamic class and they were literally squinting at me and like fidgeting with something like what’re you thinking about but now I’m just embarrassed

but after that with a while I started trying to fix it and the teacher got everyone quiet and started talking about idk I wasn’t listening and that’s when I started crying because. I felt so lonely. like I’ve been sitting on my own on the edge of some table that whole week and now I was too, everyone was just grabbing chairs from my table and moving with their friends and I was so alone. and the guys whole group of friends was staring at me and I started telling myself that I thought I could convince myself that I could be happy and I *** wasn’t and next years senior and senior we switch lead classes again either way and no one likes me from any lead class and I’ll never *** fit in because I’m too *** neurodivergent and depressed and ugly and different and I hate myself I hope I get h.it by a *** bus so I could float down or whatever comes after death and attend my imaginary funeral I actually hate myself so much I wanna s.hoot myself but at the same time I wanna make it to 20 but at the same time I wanna skip all the years before that and sort of just get a summary of it in a movie or something just to see if I actually do end up sent back to my country on the streets 

_{lol crisis resources}

_{im fine please stop xD}

_{im not fine but it’s pointless} 

_🩷

I had to leave from the bus thing again today. I looked around and there were no cars but right when I started walking one just spawned behind me and it started beeping but I didn’t feel like running (not in a sewerslider way I was just tired) so I kept walking forward and I made it to the sidewalk as fast as I could which was pretty slow 

and then the car stopped in front of me for a while and I was like- oh wait- they’re waiting for me to pass- but I felt bad so I started walking down the sidewalk so they could think I’m going there and go and they did 

and then I had to go back when they were gone and I was so tired that I just took my bag off and started dragging it on the floor till I made it to my apartment my bags so heavy I take everything in my bag every day because I don’t trust myself not to forget something 

_{I was supposed to either give my french teacher my book with the thing we were supposed to do or send her the presentation so I could present it next lesson} 

_{and I did both just that morning right before french} 

_{but I still didn’t do any. she was collecting books but I just pretended to continue writing and then she continued with everyone else and she was supposed to come back and take mine but I already put it in my bag and I was trying to look as natural as possible} 

_{I have everything done it’s just. the pages before. she’s gonna write that she’s disappointed or something idk. I wanna rip the pages out and give her the book next lesson and pretend I forgot. I do everything I’m supposed to but what if she says I’m acceptable or something cause sometimes in the middle of class I might just shut off and skip a task to doodle (on another page) and I’m supposed to be better than that cause I was so good in year 7 and she still thinks I am and I keep disappointing her she doesn’t say that but I’m trying but every time I learn something i forget everything else and now I can’t explain how horrible I am at french and last year french was so bad I didn’t learn anything my teacher hated everyone idk I’m supposed to be better tho. idk.}

_{and moral ed presentation I think I managed to get out of? i was doing it with the absent person and I was just existing at the back of the class and if she asked me I’d explain that absent person has the presentation on her device and she’s not here. and my teacher read through the people that did it and got anyone that didn’t do it to send it to her and she’d go through them and make you present and obviously I didn’t send anything. and we got to the end of the class.} 

_{but at some point she was looking around and I- think? counting. and she definitely- definitely looked at me and wrote my name down so she probably knows I didn’t present} 

_{and now I have an english presentation and the teacher asked me who I was working with and I was obviously working alone but I asked if it was okay if when absent person comes back we work together so that she doesn’t have to come back to a presentation she needs to do alone and I don’t have to do it alone and I’d just finish it off and give her her lines so that it’s easier for her.} 

_{and now she wrote my name and her name as one of the groups so now I’m definitely presenting and I know she wouldn’t forget about it or let me not do it and she said it’s one of the days next week that we’re presenting} 

_{I’m so *** tireddd} 

why is it friday it doesn’t feel like a friday. 

my friends online but doesn’t wanna talk to me  

I don’t feel like talking to anyone so it’s fine 

my brothers out with his friends today

idk where my dad went

ive been overeating to the point where it hurts like I’ve been throwing food in my mouth and crying so hard because I want to stop and I can’t and now I feel idk not good. actually hold on lemme go count the calories- 

I’ve been crying a lot but I’ll get numb again soon 

nvm someone through the box container thing 

nvm wait I’m figuring it out 

747 omg

im so stupid I keep wanting to lose weight and then eating my head off 

I want to go back to the worst part of my anorexia but at that time I had a um- state of mind. that I really really really can’t go back to. I was uneducated and immature and dumb and my weight was all I thought about and I can’t think and feel the way I did back then anymore so it’s hard 

I failed my math test I forgot to talk about that. 

brb.

1. : a person who has a strong liking for and trust in another.

_{Imnotgonnadiealoneimnotgonnadiealoneimnotgonnadiealone}

_{I feel nauseous}

_{im just dehydrated/j} 

_{I went to drink water. and it was so disgusting I almost wanted to spit it out} 

_{and now I’m eating more. it’s fine because. I’ll feel better in the morning probably} 

_9:47pm

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why’d that actually help distract me for a while

i genuinely feel so horrible tho I wanna skip to the next day 

_{tomorrow isn’t gonna get better} 

_{I hear someone brb}

no one came I just got sick- I already was sick I just feel sick..er.

byebye. 

@iloveyouxx I hope you're feeling better now 💙

@mytwistedsoul

aw thank you 💙 I wrote a long post about last night and this morning and I’m not sure if I’m gonna post it but I’m not exactly better- xD I’ll just be off for the rest of the weekend probably 💙

@iloveyouxx 

Hope you feel better soon 🩷

@unassumingEyes

🩷thank you 💕 I missed you, how’re you?/nfat💗

i forgot we talked yesterday but still xD nfta* 🩷

@iloveyouxx missed you too 🩷 i woke up to chaos today. Chaos just finished and i m exhausted and have to study. Isnt that lovely 🫠 

Howre you? Feeling any better?

@unassumingEyes

aw. wish we could catch a break :') was your mom yelling again? that was upfront but you wanna talk about it💗

I wish I could say stop studying so much but this years so hard and now I need to study so much😭it’s still hard to care tho but then for you it’s your parents and expectations you definitely study more than me. I really hope the year passes fast for both of us (if you want it to because I really want it to TvT) 🩷

I don’t know but I showered today for the first time in-…a while. it’s not a depression thing I don’t even know why I haven’t in so long but at least I did today? and I’m still sick and not doing so great in my head xD and nightmares are still really bad and schools tomorrow andillstoplolwhyamistilltalking thankyou for asking tho 💕

can I put a louis photo here to lighten the…atmosphere xD ;-;💜

@iloveyouxx we love louis 💖

Tw it wasnt my mom exactly it was a whole situation where grandmother had an eye operation and she was staying at our house after and there were some complications yesterday and we didnt have our driver so we had to call my uncle from the other side of the city and he came and brought medicine and we waited to see if the medicine would work but it wasnt working so he took her to his home so that if there an emergency at night he cld drive her to the hospital and then mom had a migraine from the worry and yelled at us-

Sorry just ignore the rant-

I want the year to be over so bad omg and next year too can i just skip-

I get the nightmares like idk if my dreams are really nightmares its just dreams of me messing up so bad and i wake up so mad at myself xD

😺😺😺

Hope u feel better soon! (second time i said it but i gotta say it till it works xD)

my friend the absent for a week one went to the hospital and got diagnosed with something serious and she’s been put on a strict isolation to prevent it from spreading until she gets better and she’s not gonna be in school at all any time soon

im so worried and scared and sad I’m not even upset that she’s not coming now I’m just gonna look so targetable because of how um- friendless and weird and lonely I’m gonna look all the time. 

but I’m genuinely so sad it was so random that one day she came before she was absent for a week she was just a little sick and her throat hurt bad but idk 

I don’t even feel like anything anymore. those days she wasn’t there were so horrible for me not just her not being there but everyone thought they could do anything to me not because if she was there she would defend me but because it’s just easier to pick on the lonely kids 

what if she dies. hold on let me look up the probability.  

so for our age apparently it’s more unlikely and younger people are- safer- or like have a better chance of getting better early. 

I’m not calm at all I just don’t know what to do 

I’m gonna make her something for the next time I see her. also the diagnosis isn’t like something bad to talk about I just feel wrong you know talking about my friends diagnosis even if no one here knows who I’m talking about I’m not even gonna tell my lead teacher if she asks or anyone else 

I can’t even rest anymore my heart rate went up in a minute I didn’t even know I cared that much I genuinely didn’t 

I haven’t even replied yet 

whyy do I always hate people until they *** die or something and then I realize oh *** I didn’t actually hate them 

or I just distance myself from people so much to the point where it’s like we never knew each other and then I just lose everyone

but it’s never like me making everyone leave and then crying about everyone leaving but something always happens and it’s confusing 

in my dream my mom tried to kill me.

I thought kll would censor. ?

TW

_{Tw stabbing killing iidk-}

_{I don’t know. I don’t know what it had to do with anything and why and what it could mean}

_{it was a longggg dream}

 _{I actually remember a lot. ish.} 

_{so. she lived far in this big dark ish place}

_{she wanted to kill me cause idk.} 

_{she had a bunch of daughters she was training (to kill me✨)}

_{one of her daughters was youngest and was supposed to pretend to be my friend and stuff}

_{and I didn’t trust her}

_{and then she took me to this place and then she felt bad and told me they were in there ready and it was all part of their plan}

_{so we ran out and I still didn’t trust her}

_{and then we went to her house}

_{and then her mom (my mom-?) came home and the daughter told her she had a friend over and then she was like oh aw bsjbejs}

_{and then she saw me and obviously thought I looked like me (she doesn’t know what I look like now irl but yk)} 

_{and I said my name was Nadia (it’s not✨) I make a lot of my accounts and stuff with the name Nadia}

_{and I was 9 years old and then I think the moms dad came and he saw me and he was like oh she looks so much like- me-}

_{its a really long dream but yk main bits} 

_{so a lot later I think we were playing a game and idk what happened my real voice slipped out I think and my hair tie fell out and then her mom realized it was me and I saw her holding a knife and I was just acting stupid then she tried to stab me and idk what I did but she fell on the floor with the knife under her pointing upwards so she stabbed herself then I was running out and trying to escape and all her daughters were there and idk what happened after} 

_:> 

_{I washed my hair today. I felt gross so I asked my dad if I could wash my hair and he looked at me so annoyed and he was like okay I’ll do it for you just wait and I was like bro never mind then cause what do you mean but later he was like youre gonna wash your hair and I was like yeah I want to and he was like okay go so. I washed my hair :> and then I spent a long time waiting for it to dry cause I’m scared I’ll somehow mess everything up using a blowdryer and then I spent a long time trying to straighten it and I straighten my hair almost everyday but today was the day to cry about having ugly natural hair and I was frying my hair so much that my lungs hurt and I put the ac so cold but it was still so hot and the air was like toxic} 

_{my hairs not completely fried tho. I used a heat protectant :> a natural heat protectant, argon oil apparently cause I just found a big bottle of it in front of my mirror so my hair feels better} 

I’m gonna continue soon I’m just resting-