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in the wonders of my mindšŸ’—.

iloveyouxx March 17th

hey there :D hm. last time I checked you didnā€™t look like mešŸ§makes sense doesnā€™t itšŸ˜›since there can only be one *me*āœØone of a kind now arent IšŸ˜/sar. one out of 8118835999āœØšŸŒ·can you imagine :0 o right- you can- becoss youā€™re also one of a kindšŸ’– sorrysorry haha :PšŸ¤im just messing around xDšŸ’žalso itā€™s 2am- but shush no snitchingšŸ¤«Iā€™ll sleep in a whilešŸ˜when Iā€™m feeling a bit more sane :>šŸ˜›šŸ©·

wanted to have my own space.šŸ’œ for thoughts feelings vents or just anything on my mind.šŸ’™

to whoever'sĀ coming acrossĀ :'3šŸ’œplease dont lurk here.šŸ©· I know anyone can have access to this forumĀ :')šŸ’™but please be respectfulšŸ©·.(but honestly..I know someone will either way :PšŸ’› yā€™all get crazy nosy haha- itā€™s alright.šŸ’›nothing too interesting will be here anywayšŸ’›if you would like to come in and be supportive itā€™s completely okiešŸ’›but please donā€™t make it a regular or "normal" thing if that makes sense. just have a sort of limitšŸ’›because Iā€™d still like this to be just my space ^-^šŸ’›)

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iloveyouxx OP September 22nd

I showered yesterday. and washed my hair.Ā 

1 reply
iloveyouxx OP September 22nd
i have been every week for 2 weeks now..
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iloveyouxx OP September 22nd

5th week of school starts tomorrow.Ā 

I can officially say weā€™re a month in :ā€™) yaayayayyyayyy-

so just 9 more of that and then weā€™re done :)

yayayayayayayy-

and then 2 more of that and we start again.Ā 

.

someone said (when we were 3 weeks in) that after a week weā€™d be a month in and after a month we just need to go through 9 more of that and the years done and then they were like oh my god the years gonna pass so fastĀ im sorry but like no itā€™s not that was such a horrible long month I was sleep deprived and stressed out and scared and 9 more of that just to get an 8 week summer break thatā€™ll fly by in a second and start again and again and again until I graduate if I graduate and then what like bro but I donā€™t even care about the future atp Iā€™m thinking about now and right now I hate my life and I canā€™t go a day without my brain shutting off and going di.e di.e just d.ie judge di.e euenshshs *** *** *** *** ***Ā 

.

switch topics.Ā 

iloveyouxx OP September 22nd

I genuinely just hate myselfĀ 

imagine being sewerslider for almost half the years youā€™ve been alive and you canā€™t even properly hurt yourself like at least a year coma or somethingĀ 



iloveyouxx OP September 22nd

why is it so hard :ā€™)

iloveyouxx OP September 22nd
iloveyouxx OP September 22nd

thereā€™s no way I just spent my time writing that up just for it to goĀ Uh oh! An error was encountered saving your post. (Code 064)

iloveyouxx OP September 22nd

Iā€™m gonna try to split it up because Iā€™m sort of in a rush :ā€™)Ā 

1 reply
iloveyouxx OP September 22nd

hey everyonešŸ¤Iā€™ve been on white text for the past idk 2 days not because I was scared of saying what I wanted/had to say but because I thought someone had access to my account and honestly they might but Iā€™m not scared of them seeing what I have to say either because- if they had access to my account they probably did for a while now and I donā€™t have much to hide anymore. Iā€™m just not scared I guess nothings happened yet

but does anyone remember this poem

1 reply
iloveyouxx OP September 22nd

Iā€™m Sorry

Iā€™m sorry for the breath I take,

The space I claim, the steps I make.

For every word thatā€™s ever spilled,

For every dream Iā€™ve never filled.


Iā€™m sorry for the way I seem,

A shadow chasing after dreams.

For being me, for being here,

For all the days I lived in fear.


Iā€™m sorry for the tears Iā€™ve shed,

For nights alone, the thoughts I dread.

For feeling lost, for feeling small,

For holding on when I should fall.


Iā€™m sorry for the times Iā€™ve tried,

And all the moments that Iā€™ve cried.

For being weak, for being strong,

For knowing right but choosing wrong.


Iā€™m sorry for the life Iā€™ve led,

For paths Iā€™ve walked, the words unsaid.

For all the hope thatā€™s turned to dust,

For breaking when I shouldā€™ve trust.


Iā€™m sorry that I am alive,

A soul that struggles to survive.

For every breath, for every scar,

For reaching out but staying far.


Iā€™m sorry for just being me,

A spirit tangled, never free.

For every whisper, every shout,

For every silent, hidden doubt.


Iā€™m sorry if I let you down,

If my existence makes you frown.

For all the ways I couldnā€™t be,

For everything thatā€™s trapped in me.


Iā€™m sorry for the life Iā€™ve known,

For every time I stood alone.

For all the things I canā€™t erase,

For simply taking up this space.


Iā€™m sorry that I am this way,

A fleeting shadow in the day.

For all the sorrow, all the strife,

Iā€™m sorry for my very life.


i wrote it almost 3 months ago which feels like a long time but also not and I just randomly started thinking about it a couple of days ago and I went back to the page I wrote it on and I started thinking about how good it was because I know itā€™s not amazing but I only ever post my best poems when I get all the right words and I like it enough and it seems post-worthy? but..Iā€™m bad with words and poetry helps. I wrote this poem.Ā 

1 reply
iloveyouxx OP September 22nd

I See You

I see you for the breath you take,

For every move, for every break.

For all the words that spilled like rain,

For dreams you tried to catch through pain.


I see you in the way you seemed,

A shadow lost inside a dream.

For standing still in storms of fear,

For being strong enough to stay here.


I see the tears you couldnā€™t hide,

The nights you fought and pushed aside.

For feeling small, for feeling worn,

For making it through every storm.


I see you in the moments missed,

For all the times you clenched your fist.

For feeling wrong and being right,

For choosing to keep up the fight.


I see the paths you dared to take,

The steps you made when hearts could break.

For all the trust you tried to find,

For holding hope inside your mind.


I see the scars you wear with grace,

For reaching out from your own space.

For holding on when days were hard,

For making sure you didnā€™t scar.


I see you in the way youā€™ve grown,

For all the truths youā€™ve come to own.

For feeling doubt, for facing fear,

For all the whispers you could hear.


I see the time you spent alone,

For standing tall, for staying strong.

For every weight you chose to bear,

For every wound you chose to share.


I see you, now, through every fight,

For living through the darkest nights.

For every breath, for every scar-

Youā€™ve made it here, and here you are.


Youā€™re still struggling, I know that well,

Some days are hard, some feel like ***.

But step by step, youā€™re finding ground,

And healing slowly, safe and sound.


I see the way youā€™re getting through,

No longer broken, but still bruised.

Youā€™ve come so far, youā€™re growing still-

Stronger, softer, and more real.

1 reply
iloveyouxx OP September 22nd

I know I said I genuinely hate myself yesterday. and ngl I do. I still lock myself in bathrooms and cry on the floor. I still hide in breaks and have panic attacks. I still get so anxious and scared my whole body starts shaking and I fall to the floor. I still get really numb some days, I still have my skin turn grey on those days where I donā€™t feel anything and Iā€™m just so drained and done. I still get bullied and I still have people I donā€™t know hate me. I still donā€™t sleep. Iā€™m still stressed out. Iā€™m still starving myself. Iā€™m still lonely. I still cry when I see myself. I still feel like Iā€™ll never be enough. I still feel like my life has no worth or value. I still feel disconnected from everything and everyone. I still have my ears ring and I still black out. I still wake up crying because I hate that I woke up. I still push people away. I still compare myself to everyone around me. I still want it all to be over.Ā 

I still try.Ā 

I wish I could say that was it or I wish I could write up a positive version that makes it all seem worth it

I was venting to a listener (a longgg time ago maybe 7 months or more) like the world really isnā€™t that beautiful and they said you just need to widen your microscope. and broaden my perspective or something, I know Iā€™m young and Iā€™ve seen a lot but maybe not enoughĀ 

I donā€™t know. I know itā€™s not all bad. like I donā€™t remember when but I was coming back from school and I was in the elevator and this woman started talking to me and she was just the sweetest in the world, and in year7 I was late to my science class and I walked past this senior and they smiled at me so genuinely that I still remember it till now. small stuff that I donā€™t forget and it makes me happy. maybe that makes it all worth it?Ā 

7:40pm and 5th week of school starts tomorrow and Iā€™m too stressed out to be on here okay take care byee<

1 reply
slowdecline48 September 30th
...really wish there was something I could do to help you, little one. šŸ˜”
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iloveyouxx OP September 22nd

I didnā€™t expect it to work- okay byeee<3

iloveyouxx OP September 23rd

Iā€™m staying after school.Ā 

iloveyouxx OP September 23rd

Depression

SevereĀ 92%
(Previously 100%)









I meant to click on nearly every day for one of the questions and I accidentally clicked right over it (several days) and now for probably the first time Iā€™m not 100% depressed :>Ā 

I know Iā€™m probably not that depressed probably :p I donā€™t just spam click nearly every day I actually read the questions and think about it but still idk