in the wonders of my mind💗.

₂₉

30

_{this is such a bad way to avoid it}

_{it’s fine}

33

₃₄

₃₅

₃₆

₃₇

₃₈

₃₉

_40.

_{I’m not gonna reply to anyone anymore}

_{I’m so done with myself.} 

_{I don’t know why I care but after yesterday I just never wanted to hurt myself like that again.} 

_{and it was gone but I was imagining it never going away}

_{and icloud notified me about some memories from last year today and I think it said something like "relive…… nvm I forgot that too.} 

_{dads back gotta go-}

_{nvm he’s talking to someone.} 

_{in the slc day thing. I wanted to stay up all night but I guess the one night I wanted to do that I couldn’t and I woke up an hour before and did 12 slides last minute, it was online}

_{you needed 20 as a minimum and this guy did 50 something but oh well. and I tried uploading mine and it didn’t work so the teacher couldn’t actually get to see how horrible it was. some words were missing but those were just in the contents page and stuff like that. and yeah I only did a contents page because I hoped it would make it look a little less horrible} 

_{and my dad started it off with like thanking the teacher for her efforts with me-}

_{and then there was a timer that was 30 minutes. I did mine in…I checked the timer after I finished it but I guess I forgot that too-}

_{and my dad was like I just wanted to say I’m really proud of the achievements (my name-) mentioned} 

_{nvm I felt like I was bragging so I deleted that-}

there’s something I have in my house, and it’s widely available so I’m not gonna mention it. 

and you’re not meant to drink it. that’s pretty obvious. 

_{but yesterday it was just one thing after the other and I couldn’t stop}

_{and instead of getting disconnected and faint I’ve never felt so much in my life before}

_{and it sounds like such a big thing to say but it’s not normal. and my lungs still hurt and I still feel like there’s this strong cold fire inside my skin.}

_{sometimes all it takes is to know that one person actually cares.} 

_{dads back again gotta go}

_{he keeps coming and leaving. and he told me to get off but I said I was so close and I will. idk where that came from but it still worked. I’m gonna go either way bcos I feel nauseous and I’m at 2% anyway}

_{4am but idk if it matters anymore} 

_{I'm just gonna 4am here and if I randomly stop than idk anymore} 

_{everyone's so dead asleep and it's still really dark. I wanted to see when the sub would rise today} 

today it's meant to rise at 5:32am and it's 4:27am

_{I notice how. others do small things without making it obvious and I always try to adjust myself for that}

_{I remember when I was 11 years old I said that anyone who ever said what mattered was our happiness lied because really we live to try and live up be good enough and reach the standards of the judgemental strangers that we'd never see again. and really we just either add onto all that's happening or get insecure and change everything about ourselves making others insecure.} 

_{I disagree with it now I guess. not everyone's the same but it does still affect others. standards and expectations. just not the way I thought it did} 

_{I used to be really positively sad :') I'd just say such horrible things and I'd smile sweetly after as if it was all okay}