@amiableBunny4016 

dear mama - 

whatever happened to me, didn't happen my fate, it didn't happen because I deserved it, it didn't happen because this is the way its supposed to be. my fate was good, i just didn't meet the right people in my life. and I wish you could be part of the good people in my life. Because hey, you are human too. I know you were suffering, I know you were hurting, I know you were angry or upset or whatever gave you the need to do it. I know. Because I witnessed it as a little girl. You left me in a world to fend for myself. and mama, isnt a mother supposed to protect her daughter from the world? teach her about the world and help her face her difficulties? i guess not. not in this world. or life. Your little girl has grown up now. She is no longer the baby you held in your arms the day I was born, she is no longer the kid that used to forget things and move on. Remember when I used to trip over when you and dad got along, and then i would cry about it for 2 minutes and next thing you know... i was happy and jumping all over the place. I am not that kid who forgets anymore. I wish I could erase my past mama. I wish I could tell you I love you. I wish you held my hand every time I needed you. I wish I could hug you and be your daughter. But hey... my wishing wont change my life. I've seen enough trauma to know that I meant nothing to you. You pushed past every time, walked past me, watched me burn in a fire, watched me suffer in silence, watched me get bruised and battered. And as always, you called yourself a mother, and you were proud of what you had created. And I tried mama. I tried to be what you wished for me to be. I tried to become a better daughter. but mama, i cant understand what you want from me? i dont miss you, i miss the idea of you. I miss being your daughter. I never hated you. Mama... I miss you. Come back. Please. I dont want this mama anymore. I want you back. Because my life didnt end when i was 5 years old, my life hasnt ended yet. I still have the rest of my life. The idea of love sucks mama. Remember when you used to tell me dad loved you? the way he used to bruise you, and beat you? what does love mean? oh and mama, the suicide attempts and the crazyness, wasnt because i was going to *** like you said. it was desperation. compulsion, a dellusion. i guess, love was just a misunderstanding society sold to me. oh well..... I know that even if i die, you wont believe my words. They wont matter to you. but anyways, i hope you find someone that will love you the way I loved you. Because i cared every moment. I hope that you find peace. Once the burden of a child is off your shoulders, i hope life gets better for you. and as for him... my little brother... i will take care of him. you have nothing to worry about there. I hope you find a life, better than the one you are living. I hope you find a man, that will "love" the way you want. But mama, your daughter is no more. She is lost and locked away in a box and no one can find the key. Maybe its in the ocean somewhere? burried away. but wherever it is.... its gone. 

Love from, 

your broken daughter.

isn't it weird how we make a home in other people's heart, we try to gain love, trust, hope, we depend on others. yet our own heart is the weakest. 

to be likeable, to be loved, to be heard, to be seen, to be trusted... they are all just a wish. a hope. but we are never truly... what we wish for. we are never .... 

i'm having such crazy thoughts...

some things are just not meant to be the way they are.

tw/suicide

dear dad,

dad? are you there? where are you? watching above me, resting or sleeping, in *** or heaven? perhaps you are somewhere, I can't reach. I can't hold on to you. I can't hear your voice. Or see you. Feel you. Watch you. or watch you. Or hear you shout at me, or yell at me, I can't even feel your slap, or your hands anymore. I keep falling Dad. Your daughter keeps falling. She never seems to stop falling. You know... my name is attached to yours. Yet I am not attached to you, or with you, or there for you. You are so far. I miss the way you used to shout at me, I miss the way you used to control me, I miss the way you were you. But hey.... your not here anymore. I see you in my dreams, feel you in my thoughts, and well.... i miss you. And I know the world can be such a harsh place, but I can't face it anymore Dad. I feel so weak. So broken. But i guess it will always be the same question that spirals.... What are we really here for? to protect one another? to belong? to grow? I can't understand the world dad. And you knew better than I did. And even though, we all made wrong choices, there is something inside me thats missing. your presence. You know... the people who give you the most pain, seem to be the ones that we miss the most. Your little girl trapped inside a little cage, and she can't come out. I need my father. not my old one, the one that loved me just how i know he did, the one who could hug me and feel for me, the father who picked up his daughter when she fell. But you know like they say..... life is hard, so deal with it like all of us do. Whatever hatred or whatever problem you had for me, I accept dad. It was me. And you know? I didn't learn to count maths in maths class, i learnt by counting you and moms various patterns of behaviour. but its not your fault. it was mine. your daughter is weak.  Whatever mistake I made.... was my fault. It was compulsion.... desperation....a lie. a deciet.  I was blinded. I guess we can never become together. I can never love you, and you can never love me. I never got a chance to fall in love with my father or my mother. Its like a wall has broken before us. And now we can never reach each other. I never got a chance, to tell you I love you or that I care for you. Neither with mom. There was pity in your love. And well...... my love just lays in the sand burried somewhere. I just hope I will reach you some day dad. grab you by the collar.... and ask you why all this had to happend to me? why do i miss you so much? why did you leave dad? and that too.... by k1lling yourself to the end of it. you were destroying yourself everyday. Why dad? why? 

i guess my questions will be left without answers for the rest of my life. i'm sorry dad.

bunny 

who's companionship did he want, that he didn't get?

 TW

We grieve. We grieve the relationship that never was. That could never be because of the way they were - the way they treated us. We grieve the relationship that will and can never be because they've passed on. It's traumatic to lose a parent to begin with but when they're lost in sudden traumatic ways it's all compounded. These are things I'm learning now myself. It creates a lot of complicated and complex emotions. How can we love someone and miss them so bad when at the same time we also hate them and the things they did 💙

@amiableBunny4016

if okay.💖

someone..... i need someone. is someone there?