@amiableBunny4016

*sitting with my Bunny friend if okay* 💜

t r a u m a - 

it drives us c r a z y 

for the rest of our l i v e s

if tonight is the last night of pain and screaming...... 

then where do we draw the line?

if today is the last day i stay in this house, is that where this diary thread ends?

or its just easier to keep this diary thread for the rest of my teenage years..... and then create a new one as an adult

i've just spent the last few hours...... crying my eyes out for no reason. 

i went to my mother this morning. just to see her. 

she was sleeping. so restfully. in her bed. i just sat there whilst she slept.

and mourned what was left of this household.

isn't it funny how fast time goes?

from being a little girl........

was looking at an old post from my newbie self. :p was cringing over it

@amiableBunny4016

been there lol. sometimes i randomly look at my old posts too and cringe so hard 😭 

@amiableBunny4016

thinking of Bunny friend. 💜 *leaves a huggie here for you if okie* 💜

So school is over... The meeting happend... :')

@amiableBunny4016

*sits with you if okay* 

@LoveMyMoonflowers

.....

@amiableBunny4016

……. 

. . . 

I am close to making a dangerous decision 

@amiableBunny4016

Mhmm, you feel like talking about it, Bunnybeaan?💗

*sitting with you* 

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou

it doesnt matter anymore.

my life is done with this man. i surrender with life. i am just defeated i might as well accept it. 

everythings over. 

@amiableBunny4016

Surrender? :/ If you feel comfy to share more on this, please go ahead, lovely. 

Okie, I have to just say it. :/ There's some veryyy inhumane people in the world, it breaks my heart you have to deal with some of this kind.

People who derive sadistic pleasure out of hurting us and seeing us in pain are the absolute worst kind, I get how tiring it is to have to keep fighting for yourself, for what's right and for what you deserve.

Especially harder to fight against monstrous people who misuse their faulty sense of power over us. Yes, faulty, and at this moment, I don't mind judging them and calling out on their troublesome actions. 

We keep putting things under the "but when is life even fair" carpet so it appears 'fine' over it but nooo, calling out people who make life difficult is v valid and necessary. "Life" is a sum of parts, if we cherish the good ones, we are allowed to hate the not-so-great-ones too. You are allowed to do it too, feel how you feel and say whatever's on your mind.

The outside world makes it a difficult thing to speak our mind but here, at cups, at least in this diary, Bunny, this is your space and you can let it out always. It might not do much or help much with the actual situation you're dealing with, but it does a little something, reminds you that you are a hooman, with a voice, with a heart and with feelings. Your voice deserves to be heard, your heart deserves to feel lighter and your feelings deserve to be felt and cared for. 

If I could, there wasn't a second thought or a tiny second wasted to hold you tight in-person and tell you in-person that you do matter. But I hope you wake up tomorrow and find the sun shining on you, and I hope you know it's the closest way of me hugging you tight despite being miles apart.

I love you.💗

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou

isn't it funny how we all say that? until we push just enough, and it turns out to be a lie. its funny how we convince each other of love.. such a tragedy isn't it? we lie to ourselves. and we lie to the people around us. love just seems to be this dellusion.. we just like to pretend we love each other, until someone throws you back into the hole... throws you back into the dark.... its funny how we are making something out of nothing. we just love each other expecting that no one will get hurt, no one will call each other names or beat each other up, we trust someone..... and then all their love is proved wrong..

love is just a illusion we like to live by..... 

but hey..... thats just me isn't it? everyone said they loved me.... and then left. and as for this man she put me with...... well...... he will get away with doing anything. i give up fighting anyone. he can do whatever harm he wants to me. he can give me all the pain he wants. and so can my mother. my father left the world.... 

......... shut up. grow up. get back up. 

thats what the lines used to be. 

..... the world is broken. so deal with it like the rest of us.

im not fighting anyone anymore, im not sad or depressed, im not anxious, im not feeling anything, im not human, im not innocent, im not amazing, im not a coward, im not stubborn, im not traumatised. from now on..... i will be a body and nothing else. dead on the inside. 

@amiableBunny4016

Yes love is all that you said it feels like when someone pushes us back into the dark hole. But then was it ever really love if it has to come down to the pushing too much or too down? 

I think, no.

If it was made to feel like anything less than being actually loved, then it wasn't love. 

Love could be someone pulling you out of the dark hole but it could never be about the other way around. If it was, then it isn't love, it is anything but love.

People have different ways of defining love and to each their own, but personally, I feel we have the choice to explore and accept what "love" should feel like for us, and if we are feeling ready to feel-loved by someone. 

The genuine ones, they wouldn't try to force their love on you nor would make you feel guilty of not being able to accept their love or reciprocate it. 

If they do, it's a give-and-take and there's no tracking in love, in loving, in the genuine sense. 

And yes, unfortunately, some people do corrupt the meaning of this otherwise quite a beautiful emotion, but this much we owe to ourselves, knowing what love is and isn't. 

If someone's pretending or trying to convince us for what it means to love for them, there isn't a need to agree with them nor an obligation to accept it from them. 

When you've told people you love them here, in cups, were those lies, Bunny? I'll have to agree to disagree if in the slightest chance, you tell me, they were. 

Because no other close substitute comes to mind to describe it. What was it, if not love, when you checked on your friends?

What was it, if not love, when you checked on your friends, when you were hurting too?

What was it, if not love, when you were going above and beyond to make people feel seen, heard, supported, appreciated, cared for and  like a "somebody"? 

No, the "love" I mentioned here in the few of the many ways you've shown it around isn't just limited in your "action of loving" or even what you did or said, the "love" here is what you are. You embody *love*, then there's just different ways of loving and expressing and connecting via this love. 

Yes, its possible and very very natural to feel disconnected with your feelings, yourself or from being a hooman when it gets too much and the "letting things be" feels more feasible to do. You've been on survival mode for so long, it makes sense the auto-pilot has started to slow down due to  exhaustion and limited inner resources working their best to help you keep going amidst the stormy times. Stormy times you don't even deserve, stormy times no one deserves.

If the most you can do during this time is to continue to breathe and *be*, then that is vvv commendable too. Let us please try doing that? Breathe and *be*, Bunny. We'll make it through tonight and try again tomorrow, one breath at a time, mhm(?).💗 

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou

why does everyone say one more day? one more day. one more day. just live one more day..... why? i dont get it. when will this one more day end.

@amiableBunny4016 The meeting went poorly I gather? 

@mytwistedsoul

.........yep. 

@amiableBunny4016 That sucks. Did you freeze up or did she not take you seriously? 

@mytwistedsoul

i lied.

@amiableBunny4016 Oh no. Why? Were you afraid? Was it just you and her or were there other people there also?

@mytwistedsoul

it was just me and her. i lied. and i cant fix it

@amiableBunny4016 Damn. I understand that you had your reasons. We get so used to keeping secrets. When I had read your post about him injecting you with something. I hoped that would be a wake up call. I'm afraid for you Little Bunny. 

@mytwistedsoul

am i going to live?

@amiableBunny4016 I would like to think so yes. You might need to start keeping documentation. Pictures of any bruises, marks and injection sites. Dates and times. You might have to eventually get the police involved. You can't lie to them. If he has inappropriate pictures of you and they can catch him with them that would be helpful.

bye...

@amiableBunny4016 Bye? 

When you realise all harm is done.

Irreversible. 

@amiableBunny4016 It's never really completely irreversible. We just might have to work harder at it. 

@mytwistedsoul

Yep. 

@amiableBunny4016 I apologize if I'm saying all the wrong thing to you right now. I'll sit quietly with you. 

@mytwistedsoul

I think I'm high. 

But anjyways, you ain't don notin wrong 

@amiableBunny4016 What's he shooting you up with? He's nothing but a sick *** that preys on children. He makes me sick. 

@mytwistedsoul

drugs and ***. it's actually not that bad.. 

@amiableBunny4016 It is bad. He uses them to make you pliable and not remember things. Depending on what he's using it you can get addicted very quickly. You need to not let him do that. Not with out a fight.