a log of just another random & irrelevant person in the world
somehow i both want attention and resent it. somehow ive tried publishing negative thoughts online at least on tumblr and was afraid someone would actually read it - but when no one actually did, somehow i wanted someone to reach out to me even more.
it's so weird. i'm so contradictory on so many facets.
so maybe i'll give this diary thing a try - but no guarantees when someone responds because somehow, i feel like i have to try being 'nicer' when responding back to other people? and because of that, i dont want to burden anyone or make them feel like they didnt help. because the issues i have are pretty much the same and i just cant break the cycle. if anything it just feels like its gotten worse. and the relief brought by my imaginary support system seems to be running thin now. it's just not working anymore.
my mind's becoming such a huge echo chamber and even if i try to reach out by posting my thoughts online these days, its still just... somehow synonymous with shouting into the void.
no one gets me. im just somehow not normal because ive never been brought up that way. and as time passes by, as i grow more aware of my own personal failings, of the gap i have in wavelengths with the average person.. everything just starts falling apart and i start thinking that i want out.
and preferably permanently. because i never asked to be born in this world. and yet now i need to carry the burden ('responsibility') of being a proper, functional, contributive human.
i feel like maybe if i wasnt born in a city, or if i was born a few decades back... maybe, just maybe, i wouldnt hate the life im living right now. but i might be wrong. afterall we often see the past and see other things through rose-tinted glasses. the grass always seems greener on the other side.
just short of 2 years ago i started watching anime. and i found myself gravitating towards slice of life or the comedy genre. and more and more i realize the shows that draw me in highlight the themes of friendship, of connections, of many wonderful things that i feel like i never really experienced before. not in that large amount of dosage anyway. maybe i just seek a proper closure to a largely friendless, rejected chidhood. maybe i just keep holding out on the hope that if things seem possible, no matter how idealistic, they're bound to happen one day.
but slowly i feel, the only thing its making me feel is let down. disappointment that its a goal that ill never be able to attain.
i wonder how someone with next to 0 social skills, who largely detests social interaction yet also craving connection, would be able to move out of that hermit-like life one day. i'm starting to think that maybe that 'one day' will never come.
i guess i should be happy just living in this fantasy lala-land of mine for now.
conveniently ignores the last post published by ReadyToTalkAboutThatLife nearly 2 weeks ago that mysteriously disappeared. im just guessing that its some toxic message, which explains why the account is now deleted. and yes, i did see the first few words of the post, albeit abridged. just gonna let it slide.
kinda struggling to finish this note because a lot of this content is new to me and i cant really catch up during the lectures because its difficult for me to actually pay attention to what someone is saying. i wish there were transcripts of the lecture. that might make my efforts to goto lecture actually payoff in some way. then again, i have the textbook. which is already 3 editions outdated. hopefully that doesnt influence my grades too much.
to make matters worse, theres a lot of stuff going on this sem for me. actually have a minor essay due tomorrow, which i have sort of mildly planned out but yet to write about. and group presentations, literature reviews, statistical reports, and a major essay.
do i feel stressed? yes and no. im not really being a good enough student. im too lazy. although i still try to make my notes, its not fast enough. soon, the week will pass by and ill start lagging behind again. talk about a snowball effect.
i noticed that even if i try to be social, or lead the discussion in a group, people tend to avoid my gaze. ive explored a couple of reasons, but the most appropriate is probably the fact that im just too intimidating with my rbf. or im just too ugly and theyd rather not look at someone so unkempt. maybe im just projecting. who knows. not even (supposed) therapists can answer that.
im sick. my head is throbing, my nose is running, i can feel the effects of sinus on my face, and my throat hurts. my ears were hurting a few hours ago too, but they've since waned after taking a bath.
i dont even want to sneeze anymore because i feel like my nose will disintegrate if i keep wiping it with tissues. also i dont know what is the max life for noses in terms of number of sneezes in a day. i just dont feel good.
i didnt really want to goto school today either too, but since my period cramps waned, i decided to. and today is a long day.
around 2am, my cramps were so severe i was breaking cold sweat. and then, as usual, i puked. twice. usually, it provides some temporary relief. but not this time. after 2 hours of enduring the meaningless pain, i decided enough was enough, and i drag/crawled all the way to the kitchen to heat up a pack. im not supposed to say this but gosh im dang proud of myself for finally allowing myself to pass out after i applied the hot pack to the dastardly place.
since puking, my throat was burning. i at first brushed it off as the gastric acid hurting my throat, but turns out, its probably more because of sinusitis.
i dont even feel like doing any of the usual things today. i just want to rest. (and i did knock myself out cold while travelling around 30 mins home on the train).
however, i have lots of assignments upcoming in the next 2 weeks, and i have to recover asap if i want to do well.
i do not intend to see the doctor, because im stubborn like that. obviously that resulted me in getting scolded by my mother.
hopefully all will be well tomorrow
random update.
i was recovering. but then... im sick again. probably stress. lack of sleep. idk.
i still have a lot to do this weekend. i went to visit the doctor and my antibiotic ends today.
i just want to sleep again, but theres really no time to.
been cutting down on the updates and ive continuously tried to stop myself from updating here. but sometimes i just have nowhere to vent. so...
i rushed through a huge assignment yesterday, submitting the final version just 5 minutes before the deadline. bad time management.
this week, its even worse. not only is there a huge assignment, theres an exam coming up on monday and ive yet to write notes for one of the chapters.
and im still tired and somewhat sick from the illness 2 weeks ago. so nothings new. its the same ol' stress and bad time management...
lets just say im feeling terrible thanks to something that i shouldnt take personally but still do because im so sensitive to things that remotely resemble a cue that someone dislikes me
again and again. even i am tired of repeating this.
sorry 4 ruining ur day
guess who is falling sick again
and guess why it happens to coincide with that time of month again
pls go easy on mi
Merry Christmas 🎄🎅🔔❄
thanks for the merry christmas wishes even though its just an ordinary day for me because i dont celebrate it
its been sort of difficult/stressful? for me lately, but its not really as bad as before. academic pressures exist and i feel stressed of the impending deadlines and question my ability to do well. but its not as bad as a few years back when its more of a, "i wish i didnt have to deal with this thing again, id rather die" kind of thinking. now its simply just "im so lonely and no one cares even if im gone" (with less angst) and the struggle to keep myself happy enough while i have to live with the consequences of my choice because im such a coward to actually follow through with my occasional random fantasies with suicide.
so... it hasnt been easy. at most ill just keep crying till my eyes are swollen the next morning, or hope that i dont wake up anymore, but at least im not being destructive to my family members like i used to or being a pain in the ass for everyone else (i hope so?).
in terms of physical well being, im also slightly worried that ill lose my voice on the day of my presentation. ive been practicing for a while and spent quite some effort on it, so i really hope i can deliver it at my best. and im surprisingly fatigued. no idea why. its not like ive been staying up till 11pm for the past few days
i dont really see much benefits in using 7cups thusfar but i dont mind dropping updates now and then when i want an area where i can vent and hope some people might see it. somehow i still want to torture others with my own personal stories :')
im really sleepy now so ill stop typing and try to study because theres not much time left :( till next time
@yellowPlace7776 Hey, I kind of just scrolled through your posts and some of the stuff you wrote was very relatable. Someone once told me something along the lines of,I like you, but I think youre uncomfortable being around others, so youre pushing them away. A lot of the time, disliking yourself and seeing yourself as uninteresting or antisocial gives people the feeling that you ARE. I say fake it till you make it. At school, I try to pretend that Im confident and act like Im a person who isnt completely insignificant. Sometimes it works, and I believe it myself. Anyway, I hope that things get better for you and that my advice is at least a tiny bit helpful. Take care <3
@WiltedRosepetals thank you. i will definitely try to do that more often. i do realize i often shut myself down from attempting things because im afraid of failures, but because of this i never ever try something until its quite late, resulting in considerable inexperience which just furthers the cycle of not wanting to try again... so hopefully i will be able to break the cycle and perhaps look upon it fondly as if it wasnt even a matter to be sweating about at all.
@yellowPlace7776 I decided to try school sports for the first time ever this year, and the main thought that went through my head before I signed up was,What have I got to lose? My dignity? Oh right, I dont have that, so its all good. Joining basketball and volleyball really helped me to let go and just go into something knowing that I would fail, but doing it anyway for the experience (All of my muscles including my heart had partially been consumed by my body due to anorexia, so I was fairly weak even after recovery when I started school). There are some times when something has absolutely terrified me, and it either turns out to be amazing or not something I needed to stress about. Life is too short to avoid things because you MIGHT fail, when you also have the CAPABILITY to succeed. Failure and success are also very objective and are different to everyone, so what you might see as a failure might be viewed as a learning experience or a success by another person. Just a random collection of thoughts when its too late at night. I hope this wasnt a waste of time : ))))))
@WiltedRosepetals thank you for sharing your story. it really resonates with me because i signed up for a number of sports clubs because of interest but withdrew because i didnt want to commit, because i was afraid of failure. who knows how much different i would be if i went through with it. so you are absolutely right. recently i also had an epiphany that life does not always guarantee success and failure, which means there will always be a possibility that something unexpected may happen. we won't know what we're missing out on until we actually participate in things we've never tried before. despite this, it may take a while for me to truly move out of my comfort zone, but mindset progress is a part of progress, i suppose.
@yellowPlace7776 Progress starts with wanting to do something, trying to do something, and then trying it again. Failure is completely normal, but we often set standards for ourselves that are too high for most people anyway. Its good that youre trying new things, because even if you dont continue, you still took the extra step to venture outside your comfort zone. Every time you push outside of your comfort zone, it gets a little bigger until things dont seem as scary or challenging anymore. It will get easier, I promise <3
Are you real? Your words, do they come from an infinity lurking in Nowhere? Are you a You? A Who? Your poetry is riddles detangled and lain out like the dawn, plain as day, clear as wind. Are you real, my darling? Do you know? For I think your real. I read every word, every phrase graced upon my eyes. I cannot hear your voice, but I hear nothing that is real, so I must assume that you are really there. I only hear synthetic, sounds of bubble and footsteps in a place that isn't real-- on repeat forever. That is not a metaphor. This is: My thoughts are a wave on an ocean with nowhere to run but the beach. They sing in caves and storm and rise and fall, foaming at the mouth. My thoughts are waves on an ocean searching for a shell, just one, but waves don't reach the seafloor, they only grace the top, leaving but one question: Are you real?
@OftenHappyButNotAlways
OMG! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to put this here! How do you delete a post? I meant to put this in my journal, but it was late after reading this so I forgot to switch pages! Just ignore that, please! Sorry!
bad update inbound. i still feel sick thinking about how much i fucked up.
long story short, i planned 4 modules last term, but changed my core to an elective because i didnt want to goto school 4 times a week. i should not have done that. my school alternates modules, meaning in the future i either have to take 5 level 3 core modules in a semester (which i also have to get distinctions in to secure a honours year) or delay my graduation for 3 months. just because i chose not to goto school for an additional day this term. i wish there was something funny about this but all i can think about now is i really, really fucked up.
my head hurts.
its either the low blood sugar, the inability to do well in statistics practice, the inability to seek help from people with the resource, or all of the above. i just feel so frustrated and defeated right now.
@yellowPlace7776
Everything gets better , circumstances can make us feel defeated and frustrated, but it doesn't last forever <3