a log of just another random & irrelevant person in the world
somehow i both want attention and resent it. somehow ive tried publishing negative thoughts online at least on tumblr and was afraid someone would actually read it - but when no one actually did, somehow i wanted someone to reach out to me even more.
it's so weird. i'm so contradictory on so many facets.
so maybe i'll give this diary thing a try - but no guarantees when someone responds because somehow, i feel like i have to try being 'nicer' when responding back to other people? and because of that, i dont want to burden anyone or make them feel like they didnt help. because the issues i have are pretty much the same and i just cant break the cycle. if anything it just feels like its gotten worse. and the relief brought by my imaginary support system seems to be running thin now. it's just not working anymore.
my mind's becoming such a huge echo chamber and even if i try to reach out by posting my thoughts online these days, its still just... somehow synonymous with shouting into the void.
no one gets me. im just somehow not normal because ive never been brought up that way. and as time passes by, as i grow more aware of my own personal failings, of the gap i have in wavelengths with the average person.. everything just starts falling apart and i start thinking that i want out.
and preferably permanently. because i never asked to be born in this world. and yet now i need to carry the burden ('responsibility') of being a proper, functional, contributive human.
i feel like maybe if i wasnt born in a city, or if i was born a few decades back... maybe, just maybe, i wouldnt hate the life im living right now. but i might be wrong. afterall we often see the past and see other things through rose-tinted glasses. the grass always seems greener on the other side.
just short of 2 years ago i started watching anime. and i found myself gravitating towards slice of life or the comedy genre. and more and more i realize the shows that draw me in highlight the themes of friendship, of connections, of many wonderful things that i feel like i never really experienced before. not in that large amount of dosage anyway. maybe i just seek a proper closure to a largely friendless, rejected chidhood. maybe i just keep holding out on the hope that if things seem possible, no matter how idealistic, they're bound to happen one day.
but slowly i feel, the only thing its making me feel is let down. disappointment that its a goal that ill never be able to attain.
i wonder how someone with next to 0 social skills, who largely detests social interaction yet also craving connection, would be able to move out of that hermit-like life one day. i'm starting to think that maybe that 'one day' will never come.
i guess i should be happy just living in this fantasy lala-land of mine for now.
just wanted to share a piece (or 2?) of good news. the grades for my presentation and essay are finally out. since a few weeks ago, ive been dreading and regretting over what i wrote and presented, feeling that what ive done so far was not sufficient, not good enough, and just downright inferior. i just couldnt be proud about it. but i sort of get why i feel that way. its neuroscience. something that i dont completely understand. and ive always prided myself on someone who tries to understand things entirely. but for some reason, i just cant. researching a topic on effects of stress on long-term memory isnt as simple as i thought it would be. too many confounding factors, too many unknown territory. and then after id barely collated my data, i tried to assemble something that remotely resembled an essay just a day before submission. and i felt bad after submitting. i felt like i could organize everything a bit better (and the grading seems to reflect that, i got a 'good' on structure and organization and 'very good' on the remaining components), but i couldnt do anything about it already.
it also didnt help that the mean and median was around 40/100. thats a... fail grade. and after moderation, it bumped to 50, but thats still just a pass. i was worried sick. i felt that everyone presented topics that were so interesting and written so well at the same time. i felt like mine was terrible. i just couldnt compare to anyone. i felt like i wrote one of the worst pieces out there and it doesnt even feel like a work id ever be proud of. i expected a fail grade because if everyone else presented better than i did, how could i exceed theirs?
but now im happy to say that the grades are released, i got a 76.1/100 for my essay, and 8.5/10 for my presentation. i couldnt be happier with my grades. especially considering the mean and median.
still, i am worried sick about other things. like my literature review that i had just submitted which does not even remotely resemble one at all :( (and i actually dont expect good grades from that, i really screwed that one up), and the upcoming stats test and other final exams which require memorization and organisation. i dont know how ill do. but im currently trying to study (albeit not at my best), so hopefully ill be able to regain some semblance of my dignity as a student. till next time
another piece of good news before i have to bring bad news on monday - the day of my neuroscience exam, where 2 15-marks 'short' answered questions would take up 12% of my whole course grade. i managed to get a borderline high distinction for my literature review. im unsure if its moderated yet, but if it has, i can rejoice, for i thought i wouldve failed that considering my lecturer was notorious for being strict in marking essays. tbt most of the cohort failing the level 1 assignment. anyway, this means i know the whole grade for this course. a distinction. i guess thats fine, considering i really didnt put in much effort/didnt know what i really was supposed to do.
i dont think ill have good news to bring for both my neuroscience exams and my health psych exams. during the mid terms for neuroscience, i actually felt my heart sink while doing the mcqs. and i was so frustrated i ended up tearing up in the exams. i cant imagine what would happen if i saw the saqs. as a matter of fact, im experiencing spontaneous feelings of anxiety just by thinking about it. this really gives me flashbacks to a level days. im so scared. ive never really practiced writing a 15-marks neuroscience essay, much less on a pen. unfortunately, my handwriting is just as reflective of my personality - it's terribad. the grader has my condolences. actually, even without the writing part, i dont even think i can replicate what i learnt in the exams. my recall is just terribad, and although im trying to spot some questions, i still dont know whats required for a 15 marks essay.
onto the health psych exam, ive yet to actually prepare, and once again, instructions are vague. although she did give us mock exam questions, ive yet to actually finish writing them, and even the 6 marks question that supposedly only requires a few lines worth of writing has me stumbled. theres really stuff to memorize, wow, what am i doing. the worst part is theres a 30 marks question at the end, and i really dont know if im capable of writing anything at all if i cant remember much. i can only hope it'll be fine if i keep studying.
on a side note, i guess my mood has been fluctuating weirdly. some days i just feel so aware about myself it brings me to tears to even think about, but some days i withdraw from the world and pretend everything will turn out fine (they will not), and i wonder how long i can keep deceiving myself like this, but i know i cant go on if i dont, so im just stuck between a rock and a hard place. while everyone keeps moving on towards a goal, i feel stuck. i dont know how to get out of the hole i dug myself into. but thats a topic for another day, i guess.
so another update, so soon. its bc i dont have school so i can either study, waste time on the internet, or play identity v. my neuroscience examination yesterday went swimmingly, i think. of the 50 mcqs, there were 10 that i wasnt sure of, but 3 that i really dont think my choices were correct. so we will see how it goes. the saqs went well although i felt that i answered slightly out of point for one of the question, which i happened to write 1 and a half pages for. the person sitting next to me in the exam hall appeared very stressed out. she left in an hour, which is a surprisingly short amount of time to take the test.
my statistics results for spss are out now, and i have to say, i couldnt believe it. 29/30. how.
irregardless, im going to bring bad news on friday, because i really didnt study for this one. i just cant be serious enough for this subject, it seems. health psychology. and everything in the exam will require actual writing + proper time management. i dont look forward to it. good luck me.
mental health wise, everything is bad. i dont think there'll ever be a day where i can say, "everything is coming into place, im so proud of myself!", at least not soon anyway. i know i promised i'd change by taking some steps, but then i feel like the world isn't even nice to me in taking those steps. e.g., saying hi to someone only for them to avert your eye contact, or saying hi but seeing that the person doesnt even look happy seeing you there? maybe im just overanalyzing, and there might be misunderstandings, i really dont know. clinging towards the crazy idea that theres going to be someone out there who will actually allow me to make those steps without rejecting me, is increasingly hurting me because i feel like i shouldnt have to keep trying just to face failures. if theres someone nice enough, maybe i wont have to go through all this trouble anymore. but yeah, i should just start accepting that wont happen. easier said than done, i guess? because the moment i lose hope in that - not that i havent slowly lost it - is the moment i start fantasizing about suicide and as we all know, its just a slippery slope and nothing ends up well. not being able to sleep, generating tears that hurts your eyes, crying till your eyes are swollen, blocked nose, etc etc. i hate repeating the same thing again. i just want it to end soon and maybe i can actually say im happy to be alive. everyday is a drag. and my head hurts lately and ive getting into more and more issues falling asleep. but ill keep on, like i always do.
@yellowPlace7776
mental health wise, everything is bad. i dont think there'll ever be a day where i can say, "everything is coming into place, im so proud of myself!",
Well I'm proud of you for being here updating :D
Mental health is weird. Some days I can be fine other days I can't even take rubbish outside. The most helpful thing someone said to me was that in everybody's else life I'm a tiny side character that noone will even remember. So anyone who is ever awful or whatever is just a tiny side person :)
But yeah, that sentence, sounds stupid, but after 6 years I had the " I'm so proud of myself" moment when I went to go get my throat coloured in, I'd had the outline on my throat for 6 YEARS. But I got it done and in a weird way, I suddenly felt my age. I haven't felt my age in years due to not moving forward or doing anything. Even after all my progress, that stupid tattoo was apparently the boost I needed. Then the week after I went into a shop I go in all the time and ran out from a panic so :D haha. Atleast there are many of us! We can all help each other :D
@yellowPlace7776
Sorry when I said
That sentence, sounds stupid - I meant about my tattoo. I didn't mean the sentence was stupid but I can't edit my post D:
@abiii346 hey there, thank you for your kind comment and sharing your story about your tattoo. as a person thats super sensitive to pain, i cant imagine getting one done on the throat (it feels a bit too close for comfort), so you sound very brave to me! the tattoo looks good on you! your story also reminds me of a year ago when i took the plunge to cut my hair short. during that period of time, i had a temporary surge in confidence. although it may be correlational than causational, the memory still suggests that i was capable of stepping out of my comfort zone and doing things that made me feel better about myself. it seems like changes are necessary to alter how we feel!
Hey! Well if it makes it any better I actually went back and got my chest all finished and extra flowers!!! It's funny but my tattoo shop is a half hour away so when I get a full day it's like YESS I DID IT :D I get bad days, I'm still under a ton of specialists because they are clueless but I do have a BF who has been around for the entirety of this so I'm quite lucky. I just hate when you do something "small" like my first step was putting my bin outside myself and everyone was all ah that's normal so what? And that was HUGE for me. I ended up in court as I was to anxious to open my post people sometimes don't understand eh :p
:(
i guess im really not suited to drink caffeine. i feel so nervous. and i cant help but think negative things right now. been excluded from playing games with my regular teammates for almost a week now. idk how to feel. theres nothing left for me to do either. and everyone hates me. i hate myself too. but i am at least making progress now. trying to learn things that ive always avoided. i dont think theres anyone that experiences the same thing as i have. either that or i just lack the words to explain how im actually feeling. i just feel somehow different from other people in expressing emotions. i repress them, but people dont seem to have issues expressing their joy or anger. when i do, it comes off as fake. for instance, going to the store to buy stuff. normally people just ask questions and do whatever they need to do. but i obsess over little details like how the store person is feeling, whether im coming off as an idiot or not, and i sort of 'freeze up' in my emotions. i appear apathetic, but inside im freaking out. and i know its such a small matter to freak out over. its just a normal product recommendation. why would it even be anxiety inducing? i dont know.
i dont know what im doing. i was going to go out today to ask for advice on makeup, but i remembered its valentines. seems awkward to tour the shopping centre when its likely to be full of couples. so now im indoors. i likely pissed a great deal of people off by not responding to a text. well, definitely did made them angry. i was being inconsiderate after all. im so tired. i dont know what i want to do. games bore me. and im feeling too nervous to exercise.
it'd be great if someone could just convince me to kill myself. maybe id actually stop needing to feel this way anymore. literally pointless. im sure im not the only person that hopes id die. id be doing everyone a great service.
nothing special today
@yellowPlace7776
Life can get very hard sometimes, but it's not a permanent solution for anything 