a log of just another random & irrelevant person in the world

context: updating 2 hours after the exam

so, i clearly didnt expect it to be too difficult, so i was surprised. it was moderately difficult. and instead of 80 mcqs, there were 49 (what an odd - pun intended - number). these 49 qns constitute 45% of the course grade, so clearly every mark is precious.

i think i was able to cope with the rigours of the test. there were about 4 questions that i had no idea how to do, or if i was at the right track or not, because of some oddities. for instance, no t-table was given, even though it was tested. irregardless, i think i definitely did the best i could. sadly, all of the formulas and concepts that are so clear in my brain now are going to atrophy away in the next few weeks. not that they will be needed anymore in the 2nd stats module, but still.. it feels like a waste.

i ended up helping that annoying guy who's been pestering me. and lent him a spare calculator because he forgot to bring it for the stats exam. wowzers. hes probably still going to fail the exam/barely pass it though. and hes probably going to have to retake the module if he wants to go for honours year.

on the other hand, i think ill be able to pass just fine, maybe get a distinction if im lucky. i definitely cant get a high distinction though since that would require me to score 43/49, which is insane? but would be a pleasant surprise if it happened.

so now im free to do whatever i want for the next 2 weeks? i gotta pay my school fees ($9k not incl accomodation) and i feel bad having to ask my parents again. then again i have no means of paying. maybe i can work during my holidays.

so lack of updates ever since my exams ended. tomorrow ill be volunteering with a hospital to help the elderly. i have no idea what the job scope entails since its the first time im going to work with them, but hopefully everything will go well. the day after tomorrow, i will be volunteering for a school instead. afterwards though, im not sure what ill do except for another volunteering session on wednesday in gardening.

some of my examination results are out now. ive gotten a distinction in my statistics exam, as well as my other 2 level 1 subjects. but i am still waiting for my level 2 subject result, which i feel is coming out soon.

my period pains are as painful as ever. i threw up again yesterday. i didnt expect it, but i guess i eventually got nauseous enough that my body decided that vomitting is the best way to cope with the feeling. hopefully it wont be as bad tomorrow, since like i mentioned, im going out to volunteer.

i have been playing fusion fall and identity v lately. i tried minion masters on discord today but stopped because im a bit daunted by multiplayer games. bad experiences just deter me from playing mp.

(for some reason, typing on the keyboard feels uncomfortable, but ill try recording what happened lately into words)

today though, ive only really binge-watched 3-gatsu no lion (march comes in like a lion). its really interesting and i find the protagonist relatable, mainly because he struggles with self-esteem issues and also perhaps depression? though not clinical, there are signs that he feels disconnected from the rest of the world and people the same age as he is, much like what i am experiencing. im currently on episode 16, but might actually finish the first season by the end of today.

so... sadly (or to my relief? i really dont know), i didnt go for the volunteering session today. i didnt expect my cramps today, but hey, the body just had to do it to me. great timing. i was somewhat looking forward to it since it'll be my first time working with a hospital, but... i can still go for it again next week, since there's another session involved.

there will also be another volunteering session for me tomorrow, in a school, but since they asked me if i would be attending tomorrow, i told them that im feeling unwell and would respond to them about my presence/absence as soon as tomorrow comes.

but to be honest, im somewhat contemplating attending the event because... once again, bad experiences of school. i really dont like children... why did i even sign up. i wonder too.

i just realized ive been leaving out something somewhat crucial about my offline activities, but... now that i think about it, its not really that big part of my life anymore. i play the piano, and have been trying to sightread/learn a new song. its We Are! from an anime called One Piece, and im currently praciticing the transcription by Animenz. since its one of the first few times im learning jazz (ive played a similar jazz piece called Departures from Guilty Crown, and i was very pleased with its performance that i performed it in my music teacher audition), im taking a longer time than usual, considering the various sharps, flats, weird fingering placements and all that jazz (ba-dum-tss). but also, ive been more or less on a hiatus since attending his concert a year ago, after realizing im still a far away from reaching animenz's standard. but well, im starting on my practices again, so thats a good thing i suppose. feels bad for my neighbours. theyll have to listen to my bad tempo for the next few weeks/month. im guessing it'll take about 2-3 months to perfect the piece, as is tradition with past animenz transcriptions.

i finished watching the first season of 3-gatsu no lion today, and am currently starting on the second season. whoopie. i have about 20 anime's on my to-watch list, but i think by the time i actually test-watch it, it'll be narrowed down to less than 10. afterall, i have high standards and detest watching shows that are overly lewd, childish, and not grounded in reality. i dont get the hype but i suppose 15-ish year old teenage boys have hormones that drive them to watch such things. did i mention im asexual? maybe thats why i dont see/understand the appeal.

ill be playing fusion fall with my brother while on my temporary 12-days vacation. we're about 90% done with the general quests, so i guess it's just a matter of time before we move on to some other games again. warframe has been boring me lately, but is "fun" once in a while. i really need more interesting casual games in my life. stuff like visual novels draw me in, but i refuse to spend any money on them, so i cant get the good stuff until r/freegamesonsteam drops a good deal once in a while.

im contemplating on learning stock, but then, im struggling to actually keep my concentration because i find it somewhat unrealistic for me. i dont think ill be investing in american stock markets anytime soon, and i dont think ill have the money to for the next few years at least, while my parents pay my school fees. but i guess its worth learning in case i miss the critical periods of my life.

im also watching some beauty-related videos on youtube, to get over my apprehensiveness about makeup and other feminine stuff. and i suppose a few youtubers have been helping, its weird, but i might talk about it next time.

till then, tata. thanks for reading - im shookth that ive gotten 21 upvotes on my thread, even though i doubt people actually read all of it, as i dont either. but just know i appreciate the fact that im not actually yelling into a total echo chamber, that a small number of people out there, perhaps halfway around the world, have read what ive been experiencing in my tiny head. so thanks for that, even though nothing has happened as an outcome.

late updates. surprisingly (or to my surprise), i went to the school campaign today. there was a little ordeal before i got there, but still felt important to share.

seriously, if youre ever like me, bad at directions and spatial awareness and what not, please do not be stubborn and please do walk back the same path where you came from. do not attempt to jaywalk across a fast street when there are pedestrian walkings the way you came from. i was embarassed about having to do that, so i chose the dangerous option, and i almost paid a dear price. not that it was near death or anything, but look, having cars in both direciton swoowshing by while youre on an unprotected island is just... can i just say, terrifying? to make things worse, im sure i worried the drivers as well. not knowing when to stop or brake is so hazardous. i really do not recommend making the same idiotic choice as i did, simply to protect some unknown 'pride' even though everyone who has ever saw me crossing the street werent there at that point.

anyway, since im typing here, all is well. i made it to the school safe and sound (but probably received several stink eyes from drivers, and i dont blame them at all).

despite being lethargic from having to run on 5 hours of sleep, and hungry from a measly breakfast (i was 'full' in the morning and felt like puking even tho i didnt even have much), i managed to complete the campaign without sweating/exhausting myself too much. i felt like the activities conducted were within my means. i was able to smile (more than i expected really, considering i didnt know anyone in this event), and the children were... unexpectedly so cute? the uniform they wore (especially for the girls) were reminiscent of what i wore in the older days (like about 13 years ago, wow am i old). i saw children roleplay fighting amongst themselves (not actually fighting but like pretending they were hitting each other and getting hit), children playing hide and seek, and generally being so active and effervescent. its weird how.. in just a few years time, that wont be happening as frequently anymore. u dont see adults/secondary school students doing that. something happens, people mature and dont play as much as they did before. until then, i come to see youth as such a precious gift and a period of fond memories to look back to.

i never realized how a 'thank you' actually means to people. its weird because.. its good when its unexpected, but its a downer when u expect it and dont hear it. irregardless, those smiles, those eye contacts.. they make me weirdly... i dont know how to describe it. i guess it makes me feel like a human being? doesnt sound like it makes sense. i guess as i grew older, firm eye contacts became less of a norm and more of a taboo. i would always avert my gaze in public transports, in school, because i dont want to invade on others privacy (and i expect to be treated similarly). somewhere along the line, eye contacts become something that i should not be doing. yet i realize theres nothing to fear after all. it made me feel connected (?) to the person speaking to me, like they appreciated me/my actions. maybe its because i started spending more time indoors in front of a screen, but small, humanly gestures like these were deemed of enough importance by me to make this post.

after the whole volunteering session, having a lunch at said school, and making a 'friend' who happens to be the same nationality as i am and added me on facebook (i dont understand this significance but... its the first time in a long while - maybe a year - since anyone has asked for this), i returned home. as i travelled by foot this morning, listening to far horizons on my phone, everything just felt so calm and serene. its not that any other time is chaotic, but, i just never noticed how beautiful the outside world is after staying cooped up inside for so long, after being forced to go out not of my own accord but because i had to fulfill my responsibilities of being a student. maybe its just a matter of my mindset at that time, what my motivations were to go outside, that i was able to see the world in a more beautiful light.

wow that soundz so cheesy i swear i didnt mean to make it sound like that. pls ignore.

anyway, i vacuumed the house like any good daughter is supposed to, wiped the table because it looks heckin dirty, and once again, accidentally dropped my wireless mouse on the floor for the nth time and had to pray to unknown beings out there to protect it from harm. im currently tired, since i dont normally wake up at 7am (in fact i was so tired i contemplated on not going but i knew i would hate myself if i didnt, so i forced myself to - that sounds contradictory to what i just said 2 paragraphs before but imma ignore it or else cognitive dissonance)

will update it next time when some other interesting thing happens that makes me feel like venting or typing to this random thread or whatever.

not really an update but. im going to volunteer for 2 consecutive days starting from tomorrow. if only i knew how to spend my time more productively.... feels like id regret not spending my free time usefully 10 years down the road ==

i havent had the motivation to update this thread as often as i intended to, but that may be a good thing too. i feel like ive already pretty much overshared things going on in my life and in my head, and the more people reading this, the more vulnerable (?) i become, even though it's probably just paranoia speaking. im not used to being in the spotlight, so even minor attention given to me get me worried. im afraid of what people think about me. sorry for being so irrationally anxious.

anyway to sum things up for today:
went to volunteer with people w special needs, saw and experienced cool stuff id never seen before in my life (but maybe wouldve if i had lived somewhere far from the cities, damn i really miss that place). also there were lots of animals so that was so cool. doggo looked at me with those smol beady eyes and it was just so adorable even though i didnt pet it. also, cats. i get tired easily, so when i went down to rest, a cat approached me and rubbed itself on my leg, then it booped its nose on my hand. that was just so adorable TT it even made a weird purr sound beside me.

i feel like my volunteering session was more of me enjoying myself than actually helping others :') oh well. but i was the odd one out, so.

i was also mildly 'interviewed' by another volunteer for his thesis, so that was cool, but i gave responses that probably arent helping in his academics, so... feelsbadman?

i think the most interesting revelation was when i went home, i realized the place ive been passing by all the while was the venue i was volunteering at!! that was just so amazing. i finally had a chance to venture there.

im slightly tired today, so i had like a nap, and i didnt really want to do anything but watch tv (a rarity, i still dont really know how to switch it on - my parents have to teach me again all the time), but my friend kept wanting to play identity v with me so i had to :')

actually as im typing right now we're also queueing for another match. the thing is i wouldnt mind if it were a very fast matching system, but the first time we successfully (note that, because there were plenty of times that were unsuccessful) queued, it took 36 mins. the second took approximately 28. and the third took around 17. right now its nearing the 15 mins mark. reeeee

i have another volunteering session tomorrow. its the one ive been looking forward to. because volunteering in a hospital ought to buff up my resume even by a teeny tiny bit, right? there are some reviews online that say it has poor management in the hospital im going to tomorrow, but... we'll see how it goes.

thank you to whoever has been religiously upvoting my latest posts. danke for scrolling through and kinda supporting me with that pixelated blue arrow. hmm, i guess it encourages me to keep ranting here. sorry

after the voluntering session at the hospital, i decided to volunteer again for this upcoming friday. unfortunately it's probably the last chance ill be able to work there since my holiday is ending in a week. i dont think im utilizing my holiday well; there are definitely super hardcore people out there who volunteer every day of their lives during the holiday. im one of the most lazy ones, only doing it because i have nothing else to do, and hoping that volunteering might make my days a little more fruitful than roleplaying as a hermit.

i think most people can guess that im volunteering not because i have a heart of gold, but because im just using it as an avenue for self gain. i know, im sorry im so selfish. im just not selfless enough. even if i was in the rotary club (specializing in volunteering), i never found volunteering an experience that made me feel good about myself about being able to serve a greater good, like in the way that i could do something someone couldnt, or that i performed something that made someone's day brighter. maybe it's because i didnt exert enough effort, so the payoffs weren't that many either. or maybe im just not naturally compassionate and i just cant empathize properly unless i actually try to. (jfc wtf is wrong with me)

maybe i burnt out. idk

in any case, r/freegamesonsteam had a couple of good games lately. get murderous pursuits if you havent - it lasts till monday 10am pdt. i got metro 2033 yesterday. not really so hooked into it, but its a free game, so ill still play it. the experience of playing identity v as a surv has been jarring lately, since i die so early into the game, and also because in multiplayer there will always be people who sarcastically say, "good job!" whenever you make a mistake that is so costly to the team. even though im not a rager, i still get upset when people post that type of comments. it really gets my blood boiling - i already want to kms for dying so early so why do you have to push me over the edge even further? (that is also the main reason why i dont really enjoy multiplayer, prefering to play singleplayer instead)

friendship wise, i guess im barely maintaining one currently. i dont really know how to explain it, but this friend of mine doesnt really listen, so its more of a one-sided conversation and with her trying to one-up me. it feels frustrating, but hey... i guess its better than having no one to talk to.

i am not really looking forward to the commencement of the third trimester, but, i also dont really have plans for the upcoming week. my progress on the piano piece i mentioned previously has been going well (lol touch wood), although i still cant quite figure out the most efficient fingerings at the rifts, and also my eczema or whatever skin disease has finally decided to migrate to my index finger as well after a year. its not recuperating. but what else can i do but wait for it to get better? ive tried too many creams, lotions, gels, and none of them have been working. y u do dis body

side side note: i think i managed to learn a bit about makeups after binge watching some youtubers that i feel comfortable with. its rare to find them because my self-esteem is so smol and fragile that even an innocuous comment can be (mis)interpreted so badly it turns my day to night. obviously still havent bought any makeup shiz yet bc im still contemplating whether or not to, and bc im too self conscious to buy them from a store. but im starting to be more aware of what people have been seeing that i have not been noticing. also not sure if good or not, but im starting to feel even more lacking in terms of physical appearance, and have been wondering if makeup will do me any good. but still. everyone starts somewhere.

i think even if i daydream a little, in reality it would still be weird if i were to put any on my face at all since my terrible fashion sense wont complement it (or will it, to be continued), and i dont really want to wake up extra early to make myself look prettier if no one even notices me on a day-to-day basis anyway (notice i say this even though i keep complaining about social anxiety, im so contradictory). soooo, i dont really know.

also wow im feeling real sleepy now though its only 5pm. y tho

i just had a supercalifragilisticexpialidocious (it's a real word, look it up) meal, so i figured what better time to write a log? after all, happy times dont really come often. i was super grumpy just half an hour ago because the system did not report progress on the meal after 20 minutes; the restaurant had merely taken the order and had yet to make any preparations. but now as im typing this i feel like im slowly slipping away into food coma... so i'll see if i have enough energy to finish my report.

i didnt update for the past few days mainly because i felt somewhat under the weather. i havent had a good nights sleep for a while now, and its become even worse as i struggle to fall asleep for nearly 4 hours, only managing to go into lalaland once i tire myself out adequately enough, either by crying, or by staying up for way too long. the past few days shouldve been a great time for relaxation for me. i didnt have any plans and i had just taken a mild break from volunteering (only to resume this friday). but no. for some reason its even more tiring. even as i wake up near noon, i feel... so tired. its almost as if i hadnt slept at all. and i want to keep sleeping, but then, i cant, even as i feel so exhausted.

i remember while i was still in college, more than 2 years ago, i had a friend who always struggled to goto sleep. she had to rewind the conversations she had for the past day before being able to rest, and at that time, i just told her i dont have to do that - as long as i lay on my bed, ill quickly fall asleep. its not that i wasnt as 'depressed' back then, if anything it shouldve been worse. i dont even know whats wrong, maybe i just need a change of my sleeping environment. after all, my room has been giving me bad memories/flashbacks lately. well, unless i can condition my brain to ignore that.

and i feel so ungrateful to tell others (my family) that im not sleeping well, too. after all, they are the ones who have it worse, having to wake up at an ungodly hour at 5.30am and only being able to reach home around evening. then again, they drink coffee, but i dont because it not only doesnt keep me awake in the morning, it ends up doing what its supposed to do at night. which is terrible. especially since i made the silly mistake (not just once) by having coffee the day before my exams (both piano and driving, off the top of my head, unless i was just being insomniac due to anxiety).

in any case, im just tired. can i have some floofs like dogs and cats thx

so right now i just feel like im wasting my day away because i wake up feeling too tired to exercise, and then end the day not having done anything productive. actually not even sure what my definition of productive is anymore. i completed 3 guide missions in fusion fall retro, practised 'we are!' today, asked my friend for help on some of the fingerings (her suggestion was really great), got my discord translator shirt, caught up with the latest political razzle dazzle, got myself a $4 game code (the game is unfortunately not user friendly, so i uninstalled it), and was trying to study from a textbook for my upcoming subject (but i contemplated on whether to make notes or not, since its so time consuming and im not sure of the payoffs anymore).

tomorrow, my final results will be released. with GPAs and all that jazz. so far i know i have 3 distinctions, but im hoping i can get 4 cause why not.

(wow rare moment where my updates dont end in depresso, i just had to ruin that didnt i)

till next time 👋

i was a bit more excited for this update. woke up at 4am and saw that my GPAs have been released. to my surprise, a distinction grade of mine has been upgraded to a high distinction. and guess which subject it was (stats). im thinking its due to the research participation that grants me 3 additional points, allowing me to cross the 85% threshold to secure a high distinction. additionally... i received a high distinction in the last exam. and through simple algebra, that meant i had at least 46/50 for the 60 marks mcq & 40 marks saq exam. lol wtf.

i wonder if that means i get to go on the dean's list? i might even be invited to join the peer tutoring sessions since ive been told that they recruit high distinction students.

my apologies that im kinda boasting about this. i dont really have anyone to share good news to and i dont really have anything about myself to be proud of (queues sad ecksdee). i obviously dont want people (or myself) to pile up even higher expectations for me next semester, especially since i already feel like im going to screw up big time in it. but at least now u can see how im such a worrywart and things do end up resolving themselves nicely (as long as i actually do something about it).

anyway i just wanted to share the good news and stuff. das all |ω・）

just freshened up after volunteering at the hospital. i was mildly considering the idea of volunteering once more before my term starts next monday, but considering my physical state, i definitely have to think twice. even as i am typing now, my back aches. its not that i performed some rigorous activities just now, in fact everything was pretty much lightweight (except maybe because i was so terrible at handling wheelchairs, i mightve strained my arm a little). while standing for around 1.5 hours, my back continued to protest in pain. and then as i walked home, the ligament/tendon behind my knees started to hurt again. and nearing my residence, my human battery apparently ran out. it has been an exhausting day for me, even though i barely did anything tiring at all. this is absolutely not a good sign for a 20 year old.

although ive been contemplating with the idea of exercising on and off, and have participated in brisk walking around the neighbourhood and doing taichi, i always stopped after going for less than a month. its definitely time i commit myself to improving my physical (and also, mental) health, although im not particularly sure what and how to ameliorate both. but... i will definitely try (and i am definitely not just putting this idea up in the air only to forget it until the next time my body starts hurting ominously again).