a log of just another random & irrelevant person in the world

@yellowPlace7776

Hermit to hermit - after 5 years ( Im 23 ) I finally left my house and went outside. For the first time again.

I had random panic attack 18 freaked me out I'd been homeless, stress life allsorts happened.

But I can tell you, the people are OK, the foods ok and it's better than being sat in :D

I joined a group of people like me so now a few times a week we all meet and instead of 0 friends we all have like 30 xD

now i kind of understand why i had a premonition of impending doom (well, ive likely to have understood it, but forgot, since my memory doesnt really keep good track of these kind of internal monologue). its because - surprise - i was cramming my notes and just engaging in shallow processing instead of a deep one. normally, it'd be fine for a level 1, mcq-tested subject. but this sbuject im going to sit for is level 2. its supposed to be mcq and saq ONLY (as written on the subject outline). but i have no idea why in the world it's changed to something so radically different that it's sufficient to give me PTSD to A level days. gosh. saqs are supposed to mean short-answered questions. but for some reason, the saqs we're getting tested on are 10 marks questions. not even once in the tutorials or lectures were we taught to deal with this sort of question. i hate to keep complaining but.. what the fuck? i think feeling anxious is normal at this point, especially when tomorrows exam is going to determine 50% of the grade. i want to die

to make matters worse, i have no idea how many mcqs theres going to be. it shouldnt matter - but right now i really want to bank on the chance that mcqs are easier to score and i need to secure at least 50% for this assignment or else i'll fail the subject. fuck fuck fuck. panicking the day before the exam is NOT good. especially since ive completed revision and decided to be so chill as to not even revise anything today. fuck why am i like this

like, i know i tried my best to do what counts. but it wont be enough for tomorrow. it WONT. i hope tomorrow proves me wrong. but until then,... ill be dreading it. and hoping and praying to whatever divine and benevolent entities out there whos willing to listen to an irrelevant mortal and grant her wish. probably not going to happen.

now to my attempt to sleep early and hoping i succeed. or fail and end up getting 6 hours of sleep instead.

aha. im bringing good news here. that was so unexpected.

remember that i said that this 2nd exam consisted of 40 marks worth of 'saq's which were actually 10 marks essay questions in disguise? well, yeah, that was the bad part of it all. i was able to write decently well in terms of content since i managed to do a little revision on my phone (i have notes uploaded and managed to force myself to read through instead of sleeping while travelling to school today). except for.. the last question. it asked about the 4 components of working memory. the thing here is... i did answer the 4 components correctly, but i guess proactive interference (aha big word from psychology) really messed up my memory a teeny tiny bit, because i ended up talking about something entirely irrelevant (kahnemans capacity model). i did get the feeling that i was writing something way off, but i still wrote it anyway... hopefully i wont get my marks deducted for it?

also, i forgot a component in the phonological store, which is the articulatory rehearsal component. at least i did talk about the articulatory supression/irrelevant speech effect. i guess that counts? dunno.

and i also kinda screwed up writing about the inner scribe. it shouldve been in charge of motion and spatial information, not speed and direction. what the hell.

lastly i mostly forgot about what in the world the episodic buffer was about. so i only talked about whatever i remembered and sadly, those were not really related to working memory at all.

i tried

apart from that last question, i think i did quite well for the rest of the essay questions. i did think for a moment that perhaps writing about the working memory question was not a good idea, but i still went through with it because what the heck. there were 8 questions to choose from so i decided to just do 1, 2, 3, 4.

for the 60 mcqs, i think it was quite easy? inb4 40/60. but seriously, i think i did quite well considering some questions were repeated from the practice my lecturer uploaded online. and the best part was those were the questions that i did get wrong initially, so i managed to learn from my mistakes and not repeat them again here.

this was unlike the first exam where there was a repeated question from another module but i didnt know if my selection was correct or not so.

im hoping this exam can pull up the whole subjects grade up a little, mainly because... i dont want to just get a credit. hopefully ill be able to get a distinction (75-84%).

i did a little calculation and apparently, i would need to score 72 marks for this exam (which translates to 36/50). i have a feeling that i had 3 incorrect answers for the mcq, out of the whole 60.. but for safety's sake.. ill just count it as 55/60. that means i only need to score 17/40 for the essay questions, but i think i could definitely score better than that, so ... can i say that a distinction grade is pretty much secured?

sorry if i sound cocky

for my upcoming exams, i also did some asian math on it, but because i lack data of one component for the 3rd exam, ill update about this once the results are released. as for the stats exam, ... i also lack data on a component. but i guess... im aiming for just a credit for the stats exam, since that would suffice for a chance to study honours. of course, if i get a distinction, why the heck not. but im not really confident enough to say that i can even get a good score.

can i start off by saying... oof?

the main reason is because.. i literally didnt do anything for the past few days in preparation for my last stats exam. if anything.. it felt like i was on a honeymoon. i played a ton of games (identity v, limbo, warframe, brawlhalla, minecraft, fusion fall retro beta). eek.

my 3rd exam is in 2 days, and im debating whether to study the textbook or not because its pretty much... useless? or maybe thats just my learned helplessness speaking. in any case, the exam on the day after tomorrow would constitute 40% of the whole subject grade, so i should definitely do something. or cue panic monster.

as for my stats exam, its a week away, which seems like theres a lot of time for me to prepare, but ... i dont know how much material im actually dealing with until i actually start studying.. which is... im not sure when. probably not todaynight though. :P

i guess ill end up panicking again when the exam is due. my inner procrastinator is so obstinate that the only thing that can ever convince me to work is an impending deadline that's too close for comfort. because cramming in 1 week is definitely more productive than studying leisurely for 2 weeks.

irregardless, regarding my mental/emotional state. its not doing too good on that front. for the past 2 days ive been feeling quite hopeless and the level of self-hatred is just insurmountable. i still find myself having difficulties accepting reality for what it is. im not sure why, but ive been living in 'reality' for slightly more than 2 decades but... im not really experiencing it full blown until lately? i really dont know how to describe my feeling. i guess its a bit like... feeling detached in some fronts, especially the parts im not comfortable with. and i subconsciously refused to see the other parts of reality that are just too ugly, too imperfect, too unfair for me to be able to actually accept. but i look around me and i see everyone else accepting reality for what it is. i dont know whats wrong with me. but, i somehow naively keep hoping something magical will happen and things will change for the better. but when i say 'change for the better', its not really that... things are bad, or terrible. i just feel that things could be better.

for instance, in a lot of shows, or comics, or whatever fictional lala-land, people start out meeting each other by talking to each other, understanding each other, and listening to each other. what makes it different from reality is that, there will always be a resolve for the plot. a conflict regarding insecurity occurs, and the protagonist has friends to help them overcome it, or something happens and they realise an important value that they never realized prior. then the conflict is resolved. everyone is happy. yay.

in reality, that... doesnt really happen. or at least i wished it would but it never did. in reality, even when a conflict is resolved, it is only temporary. eventually, the same issue flares up again. the conflict and solution keeps repeating itself to no end. even i am growing tired of this. why cant the plot change? why am i stuck in the same timeline? or in videogames, an unending loop? there must be something i am doing wrong, but i cant figure out what, and there are no online tutorials to guide me through. im stuck, for as long as i cant receive help or as long as i cant receive another perspective.

and a large issue here is the final part. in games, when u have an obstacle u cant overcome, youll keep trying because you know, as long as the limits allow it, youll reach a solution in the end. even if you are stuck, you get tips to help you through. maybe that doesnt apply to multiplayer games such as dota because in those cases, competing with people will make you realize how lacking you are, and i feel this falls under a real life problem. in reality, u dont know if trying will actually make you better. if youre just working on the wrong solution or if youve reached a peak and you simply cant move past any further. you feel stuck, and for better or worse, you decide to take a break. sometimes, the 'break' extends for long enough that you stop caring about it and just acknowledge your loss. and you move on. you quit.

and i think thats a huge issue of mine. whenever things dont go my way, or rather when ive tried my best and things still dont go my way, and i have no idea on how to improve, added by certain people making me fear trying even further... i take a long break that extends to a departure. this situation does not only apply to games ive played, but also in relationships, or in other avenues that ive decided to pursue. i dont know if working a dead end is worth it. whos to know if it'll work or if im just simply wasting my time trying to get better when im simply not good enough?

some people argue that we need to stop thinking this way. but the way i think of it, imagine u want to fix a broken chair. u know the problem, u know how u want to fix it, but the solution does not work, and your tools are just inadequate. you could send it to a repairman, but hey, it looks simple and trivial enough that its not really worth the hassle.

this also plays into wha i call being a functional person. the basic capabilities are there, but youre not reaching your full potential. on the other hand, youre not terrible enough to be called as dysfunctional, so you think asking for help or a therapist is just overblowing things. (of course, there are people who suggest that everyone should go for a therapist, regardless of mental health issues or not, but.. its expensive, and i dont want to waste my precious resources on something that may or may not be entirely beneficial).

so, i guess i can say im stuck in a limbo. being paralyzed. procrastinating on important things that may help me further in life. wasting my time and life away. im sure ill regret everything in my life, if i have yet to already.

sigh, whats with this depressing post.

tomorrow is going to be my 3rd exam. my mom has an off day today, so i didnt need to go out or order food online. im so lazy. she took care of us and the home for the whole day. i bet she's tired. meanwhile, we spent the whole day playing fusion fall retro beta. i cant stand the monotony of repeating the same cycle so i easily switch tasks. in any case, i didnt really get any studying done today (for the stats exam). but since the deadline is nearing (soonTM) i decided to stop playing games and focus on studying. i just realized the whole stats exam is going to be mcq, so i guess .. i dont really need to write workings as in detail? although of course, workings would still be needed. i wonder the rigour of the exam. hopefully it will be more or less conceptual and only requires shallow workings. but i dont know. let me guess, if the whole exam would be 45% of the course grade, and 100 mcqs are involved (according to past experience), then each mcq is worth 0.45 of the whole grade. and to pass, we need to get at least 50 mcqs correct (22.5% of the course grade). if each mcq is worth that much, i think its fair to assume it wont be as easy as how mcqs seem to be.

also, i cant really ascertain the difficulty because the difficulties for the mcqs for the 1st and 2nd exam have been unexpected. maybe this will be another one.

sooo. yeah. i should start studying a little bit. otherwise i cant cope with the amount of formula in a few days.

i wish i wouldnt take rejection so personally, but... its hard not to. especially when youre being excluded/forgotten. i really cant distinguish the difference between the two. and i suppose having one's self-worth being dictated by how others see you is just... unhealthy. because it's almost impossible to have someone both balance the attention and space required by someone as needy yet picky as me.

it's not even something that i should be so upset over. it's just that a friend, who promised that we'd play a game together eventually, ended up playing with her usual friends with a random person (whose 4th slot is usually occupied by me). that's just it. added onto the fact that... ever since we met up that day and had lunch together.. i guess i made things awkward. as i always do. :/ (noni says no to using sweeping statements, eek, but still)

maybe it's just my way of looking at things but. our responses have become more laconic ever since then, and she gives a vibe that she's uncomfortable being around me? i have this tendency to overthink things, and magnify and see things that arent even there (or so they claim, hah paranoia), so i really dont know unless i have a 2nd person's opinion.

in any case.. i hate that it always comes to this conclusion. that maybe itll just hurt way less by just purposely excluding myself from potential friendships than try one and find it ending abruptly just as soon as it started. why does it always... end up like this? its so hard not to think of myself as the sole problem if everyones experience is more or less the same. from a scientific point of view, the way im taught, repeated observations should suggest something about my hypothesis about being unwanted and being a social pariah.

i wish there's just someone 'nice' enough out there to tell me im not all worthless, but obviously, its never going to happen. its been this way for almost 2 decades now, and although i did have a few people back then who looked out for me, its not going to be the same anymore. as we grow older, people are less naive and more realistic. things such as unconditional friendship ... are nearly nonexistent. but i guess such has been the way of my life since before, just that i holified those people who gave me just a teeny tiny bit of attention, compared to none given by others. in that way, even a drop of attention had me swooning over these people, making me think of them as saviours or people that were special. but, no one is infallible. ultimately, no one really cares. i guess i was just looking through rose-tinted glasses after all. there really is no 'nice' person out there (note that as i say it, i refuse to internalise it, because hey, i'll go commit plane building if i did, or maybe i'll end up changing for the better/worse?)

i just wish my life had a little more meaning to it. yet again, im being naive and wishfully thinking for things that'll never happen, me being important to the community in general included. it's pointless. my life is pointless. no one can convince me otherwise. and there's no one around to convince me anyway.

if only i was a little more brave, i wouldnt be here now. but hey, cowards gotta keep on living until something happens eventually. maybe i'll just continue living and wait for that day to happen eventually. not that im actively suicidal, but i genuinely wouldnt mind being gone. hopefully without pain.

apologies for the depressive post, but i doubt anyone's reading this anyway. so i guess that's all my 'soul' poured into the big vast internet for now. i dont even care if people doxx me at this point because, what the heck, no one even cares about me, and i dont even have anything valuable to give anyway.

seems like im getting sick lately. first with the sore throat that i wake up to in the morning, second i seem to have a minor cold, and now i have a massive headache. my eyebags are so obvious lately, not that they havent been in the past, since i have problems sleeping/staying asleep. i managed to (more or less) complete my stats revision, well at least now im familiar with the topics, but maybe not so when trying to solve the math problems - i still have issues remembering the formula since they are so similar and there arent ways to understand the reasoning behind said formulas. maybe if my school went in depth about those, id have an easier time, but for now, ill just try to remember the formulas as much as i can.

as usual, i am playing too much games. today, i played more than 5 hours of fusion fall retro beta, and played about 30 minutes of identity v and 30 minutes of warframe. im going to die young, lol

my eczema was so bad today i woke up with my fingers tainted with blood. apparently i had scratched myself so badly and now my ring finger cant even straighten out without hurting.

this day is uneventful as usual, but at least i managed to play the games i had wanted to and i guess... i dont have regrets? im too lazy to wholeheartedly study.

i guess ill do better tomorrow. stay tuned for my next 'i didnt do anything but play video games all day' post.

obligatory update because i clearly have too much time to spend when i'm not actually in school. once again, i played fusionfall retro beta for about 4 hours, starved myself till my blood glucose ran super low that i started trembling (why am i like this), but fortunately was 'rescued' since my dad brought dinner and desserts for us. sigh, faced with the western context of this website, i guess i should say that im really lucky i still live with my parents at this age, but staying at home till one is 24 is part of asian culture.

anyways. i guess i completed my stats revision? well at least i revised all that i possibly could. maybe with the exception of tutorials. but oh well, i guess i can glimpse through them tomorrow. or maybe i can scour khan academy for some maths questions. idk really. i dont really have lots of avenue or past questions to refer myself to.

still, i think i did the most i could in this situation. i have lots of complaints about the school im studying, but i look forward to stats lessons the most. i hope i can do well enough in it to secure a credit. or maybe even a distinction, because that will really boost my self-esteem and serves as an indicator that yes, i can actually cope with next semester's stats course load - especially since a distinction is required for that in order to secure an honours year.

the weather has been wack lately. i think thats the best way to describe it. it gets hot and cold one moment to the next. crazy. just a few days ago i had my fan on full blast (i dont use the aircon coz its expensive af), but yesterday i shut it off and had to wrap myself in a blanket because i cant cope with cold (20 degrees) temperature. i bet people think 20 degrees is actually pretty hot. but wait till you live in a sunny island in the tropics where 30 degrees is the norm.

hmm. on a sidenote, ive been wondering whether typing this diary out has been helpful to me. one thing i noticed is that i become more open about my vulnerabilities irl, whereas in the past, i would shun it away and pretend im strong enough to handle everything along my way. another thing is that maybe thats because im able to recall better what ive been thinking about as long as i record it down. because thoughts are epheremal and become lost and irretrievable after everything's over. but with a journal you get something to look back to and get retrieval cues on what happened on that very day. despite those pointers above, i wouldnt call this public online diary a success. i dont think i managed to achieve concrete changes in my life yet, my mindset is still largely stuck and negativistic (but i really dont blame myself, if anything i feel this is way more realistic than being ignorant and naive). my irl friend list is still close to 0, partly because i delete dont consider people from my friend's list as actual friends (like some hermit) and also sometimes even people who were once close just drift apart and become relegated to acquaintances. the only constant in life is change after all. that quote is 10/10 (pun intended) stolen.

so the results for my previous stats exam has been released. id say its quite good - i got a distinction in it. all in all, ive scored 45/55 for the whole course component, and tomorrow will be the exam which determines the remaining 45%. like mentioned, im hoping to get a distinction for this course, but ill understand it if im limited by my own incompetence.

also identity v had a small update, so that might keep me busy for the next few days :D

i wanted to talk to a listener just now, but remembering the past (unfortunately largely unpleasant) experiences i've had, decided against it. besides, it may be more conducive to just vent my thoughts away instead of desperately struggling to get someone's attention, especially someone who doesn't care to listen. ironic, given their volunteering job scope.

anyways, i just wanted someone to cheer me up or encourage me or just make me a little bit happier right now or something. i dont really know. not that im feeling sad, just a bit.. neutral and in need of livening up, i guess?

of course, someone messages me a day before the stats exam, as is tradition. this person has been harassing me for the past semester - pulling my hoodie over my head everytime he so much as walks pass my seat, complaining about me playing games in university during break time, and just treating me like an easy harassment target overall.

i dont know what he expects from me, but im not going to waste my time on someone that treats me as disposable. so i quickly conclude my conversation with him.

i suppose tomorrow will be a great day. at least thats what im hoping for. i look forward to passing my stats exam with flying colors (does anyone even use this expression anymore? seems so primary school-ish), but in case that doesnt happen, then i look forward to gaming all day for the next 2 weeks until the next period of stressful schooling commences once more. maybe ill actually spend my time wisely and learn how to be a proper, decent human being. but alas, i promise the same thing every month and yet never come through with results. partly because i forget things all the time.

in any case. good luck to me - ill be attempting to sleep early, and hopefully be well-rested enough to storm through the entire paper with few problems.