a log of just another random & irrelevant person in the world
somehow i both want attention and resent it. somehow ive tried publishing negative thoughts online at least on tumblr and was afraid someone would actually read it - but when no one actually did, somehow i wanted someone to reach out to me even more.
it's so weird. i'm so contradictory on so many facets.
so maybe i'll give this diary thing a try - but no guarantees when someone responds because somehow, i feel like i have to try being 'nicer' when responding back to other people? and because of that, i dont want to burden anyone or make them feel like they didnt help. because the issues i have are pretty much the same and i just cant break the cycle. if anything it just feels like its gotten worse. and the relief brought by my imaginary support system seems to be running thin now. it's just not working anymore.
my mind's becoming such a huge echo chamber and even if i try to reach out by posting my thoughts online these days, its still just... somehow synonymous with shouting into the void.
no one gets me. im just somehow not normal because ive never been brought up that way. and as time passes by, as i grow more aware of my own personal failings, of the gap i have in wavelengths with the average person.. everything just starts falling apart and i start thinking that i want out.
and preferably permanently. because i never asked to be born in this world. and yet now i need to carry the burden ('responsibility') of being a proper, functional, contributive human.
i feel like maybe if i wasnt born in a city, or if i was born a few decades back... maybe, just maybe, i wouldnt hate the life im living right now. but i might be wrong. afterall we often see the past and see other things through rose-tinted glasses. the grass always seems greener on the other side.
just short of 2 years ago i started watching anime. and i found myself gravitating towards slice of life or the comedy genre. and more and more i realize the shows that draw me in highlight the themes of friendship, of connections, of many wonderful things that i feel like i never really experienced before. not in that large amount of dosage anyway. maybe i just seek a proper closure to a largely friendless, rejected chidhood. maybe i just keep holding out on the hope that if things seem possible, no matter how idealistic, they're bound to happen one day.
but slowly i feel, the only thing its making me feel is let down. disappointment that its a goal that ill never be able to attain.
i wonder how someone with next to 0 social skills, who largely detests social interaction yet also craving connection, would be able to move out of that hermit-like life one day. i'm starting to think that maybe that 'one day' will never come.
i guess i should be happy just living in this fantasy lala-land of mine for now.
another obligatory 'im so tired i want to sleep and exams are nearing and im not prepared yet' post.
i really think i didnt prepare my final exams well enough. ontop of bad time management, i really cant keep promises to myself. how disappointing. i honor it with others, but not myself. speaks volumes about how i see myself.
my first exam is in 3 days. not counting today. so far ive prepared about 55% of it, which is not the progress i was expecting. im thoroughly disappointed in myself. but i need to remind myself not to be too harsh or ill keep dwelling on my failures and not get anything done.
the second exam is in 5 days. the progress is even more worrying. i would say i am 20% done.... ah. but the fortunate thing about this is that at least my notes are fully completed. all's left is to read through my summarized versions. :') which would still probably take ages and i need to take care not to oversaturate my brain.
of course, there are 2 more exams after that, but with approximately 5 days break. not prepared at all. but im ready to flunk the 3rd one because... studying that is kinda pointless and unproductive. *shrug*
the fourth one... is stats exam. ahh. not looking forward to it. im scareed. but hopefully ill be able to work something out after my 2nd exam. :/
till then, ill be studying on an empty stomach while resisting the urge to close my heavy eyelids.
smol update: 75% preparation done for the first exam. essentially left with 3 chapters, one of which just requires skimming because it was tested before (though i barely remember anything and its a bit too late to study now... 1am). as for my 2nd exam.. i guess ill work something out by tomorrow. each chapter is important unlike the first - each chapter is weighted differently for the first exam whereas for the 2nd, each chapter is weighted equally. since i basically have 3 days left before the 2nd exam (wow what have i done) and 8 chapters to review, i guess i'll have to take up to 2 chapters per day excluding the preparation for the first one?
so i guess my plan for tomorrow (gosh i shouldve done this earlier why am i like this) is to complete revision for the first exam, or at least try to push the progress to 90%, and then push the progress of the 2nd exam to 40%.
as for the day after tomorrow, first exam should be thoroughly completed leaving a day for me to ... do whatever. well, probably not. to continue preparation for the 2nd exam and push it to 60%.
on the day of the first exam, ill have to push the preparation of the 2nd to 80%. and so on.
which is not a good idea. but heck. i have no choice. i fucked up.
hopefully the exam wont be as frightening as i think. but i keep having bad memories of taking a level economics and geography paper. open ended questions give me 'ptsd' now. sorry if im using it irresponsibly.
and all this doesnt even include preparation for the 3rd or stats exam yet. why why why.
i better goto sleep now.
my dreams have been really weird/morbid lately. yesterday, i dreamt of people jumping off the building while i could do nothing about it. i dreamt of almost being caught and being powerless to prevent the situation from happening. today, i dreamt of someone asking me to tie up my hair - which has not touched my shoulders yet since i cut my hair relatively short a year ago. and i was unable to do so properly. it reminded me of how i had long hair in the past and was super pent on wanting to tie up my hair perfectly, but being unable to do so, which wasted so much time. maybe it somehow implied that i also cant escape societal expectations no matter how much i try to? or how i want others to live but being unable to perform any actions other than being a passive observer.
anyway, im 80% done with the first exam. the remaining 20% is divided into 2 chapters, which ill get to right away.
side note: my eczema is horrible and i still have no idea what caused it. but someone please make it stop.
hurray 90% done with preparation for first exam. but for some reason my right arm hurts. it feels like a bone dislocated. :/
huzzah. 100% prep done for the first exam. progress for 2nd exam still stuck at 20%.
side note: early in the morning, after waking up, i tried to turn a switch on the wall to adjust the room temperature. however, unbeknowst to me, my legs were still numb. and boi they were not just numb, they were not functional at all. so i dropped to the floor on one knee. ouch. right now, there's a big black bruise. a welcome addition. it looks like i took the phrase 'i took an arrow in the knee' in a new direction.
also, did u know that green kiwis contain more vitamin C and vitamin K compared to golden kiwis? well now u know.
more updates! i think this is the most productive updates ive given in a while. i managed to storm through 60% of the preparation for the 2nd exam, leaving 4 more notes to be studied. unfortunately progress from now onwards may be a tad slower because each of these notes consist of 10 pages of information. hopefully ill be able to bring even more good news tomorrow!!
90% done with preparation for 2nd exam. tmr morning will be the date of the first exam. :D hopefully ill be able to complete the prepartion for the 2nd exam by tomorrow. because only then can i actually focus on my stats exam (which i am quite worried about because hey, its maths, and tutorials werent enough for me to say that im actually prepared for the exam).
although the tutorials are quite long compared to the other subjects (3 hours each week), i still think that the practise is not enough. and theres one week of lesson which was skipped out. i guess i should ask someone for the answers, since my tutor refused to givei me :/
will update later!
side note: my eczema can just stop! definitely think its not healthy for me to keep scratching open my skin which leads to more infection/inflammation and just creates a self-reinforcing cycle of scratchy itchiness.
damn, i have so many things to complain about the first exam, but its over now! i think i might be able to gain 40/50 marks, since there were 20 questions out of the 100 that i wasnt sure how to do. oh well.
going to upload my notes for this subject online, but so far no one has ever visited my website :( ahh i guess thats fine.
completed revision for the 2nd exam. feeling sleepy
played too much identity v today but hey, im not really complaining. i got my hunter's persona to 61, my surv's currently 67 or something. next week's update may or may not ruin the hunter's gameplay for me. we will wait and see.
i really should sleep. i was unable to sleep well yesterday. tried to sleep before 10pm, ended up sleeping at 1am. rip.
didnt sleep well again last night. i was supposed to wake up early (before 9am) today but ended up sleeping in till 10. sigh.
the 2nd exam is tomorrow and.. i dont know how to think about it. i think ive done all that i could, but i feel like its not enough. i just have.. a bad premonition about whats about to go down tomorrow. but then again, id say itd be worse if one goes in feeling excited about exams. in any case, i just hope to get sufficient sleep tonight (the weather is getting hotter lately which makes it harder to stay asleep), so i can wake up early and take the exam at full strength. i was so tired for the first exam i had a few glimpses of sleep midway taking the paper.
after the 2nd exam, only 2 more will be left. im currently preparing for the 3rd, since its supposed to be easier, but i know even studying it will end up futile so ill just do whatever i can (i feel sleepy rn and its not even 5pm yet rip). the fact that its 40% of the whole subject grade does not lessen my anxiety.
the last exam, stats, has me worried too. i think im the most worried about this exam. itll be testing on literally everything taught during the trimester and takes up 45% of the whole grade. but the good news is that its on the last day of the exam period. so i still have 12 more days to prepare. and 5 more days after the 3rd exam to prepare as well.
im so sleepy...
