Trying to understand
Looking back, though I'm still hurting and not very focused, I think I had expectations but didn't, very confused being I am. I was hoping for something new, I thought with boundaries and no fear of the family making things worse that it would be a chance to learn love and friendship and support. Unfortunately I fell into the dynamic or cycle I've been in previously I am not proud of how I handled it. My reactions, the freeze, the fighting, the second guessing myself. I went against my intuition which was screaming at me that it wasn't healthy and I fought against myself. I am unsure if it was the facade that pulled me in or the familiar, but I developed such strong feelings for him, feelings I didn't believe I would experience. I allowed some things to happen because I thought it has been worse in the past and maybe I'm that broken I don't know what a normal relationship is supposed to be like. I think my reasoning behind allowing things to happen may have been out of wanting to be loved, this longing I've had all my life but stuffed down with the other not to be felt emotions, as well as it being familiar that I fell into an old routine. I am not innocent though in this and will not pretend I am. I did so many things wrong, I challenged him and fought against what he was saying, I refused him things and antagonised him (that's what he was saying), I argued when he told me to be quiet and I was quiet when he wanted to talk...
I feel like I should apologize, I feel like the past few days I have been unappreciative of the support and care I receive here. I haven't been able to pull back from my thoughts and the darkness within them and I feel like I've been very distant with people. I am so sorry if I've hurt anyone here, it was not my intention. Maybe the negativity inside of me needs to be contained elsewhere
@calmLake1999 Hey Calm - no worries. There's no expectations. I can't see that you've ever hurt anyone. But I know I worry about that as well. From what I've seen you are a gentle person with a good heart. This is your space - to use as you see to use it. Don't silence yourself out of concern of what other people think here. It's ok - this is your safe space.
Try to be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
I think the saddest part of my existence is that no one would miss me if I was gone, I don't think people would even notice. I am such a temporary part of this world, and I'm feeling like my usefulness has been used up.
I came back because unfortunately I failed at the one thing I wanted the most to do. I broke, something in my mind snapped. I was so tired and now I'm ashamed. I have promises in place to keep me going for the moment. I am so very low still. I'm surviving by a string I think.
I feel manic today, I think that's the right word for it, just really high alert, anxious, hyper and a mix of feelings . I'm so restless, trying to keep the promise I made .I don't like keeping this particular promise. I'm not extremely low but I have been on and off all day. I just feel depleted but not. I feel like a failure because I'm still living. I've still got the pain and now I'm that hyper I don't know what to do with it. I could go for a drive but I don't trust my thoughts at night. Trying to keep this promise is too hard but I've got to hold on til I see my therapist tomorrow. Can't let her down. Can't break my promise.
@calmLake1999 Just sitting here with you Calm.
It's hard to keep going at times. In all honesty - I've been having the same problem - similar thoughts. There are times when it all just seems so pointless - ya know? But - yeah I know - there's always a but. You're doing such good things - the work you do with the elderly - shows how beautiful of a person you are. Even when we're at our darkest - there are always people who still see our light and the world would be a lesser place without you in it. I'm glad you're in it.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you (I'm actually unsure whether to call you soul or twist? Or idk) that means so much. I just don't want to keep fighting anymore, I was so close to just being done but I failed at that too and now I don't know what to feel. I just think how much light am I really adding to others lives when I feel so dark inside. I just feel so very alone in this world.
@calmLake1999 You can call me either one or you can just call me J - what ever is most comfortable for you.
. It's hard - it really is. That darkness is just all consuming and it's almost - Idk - it beckons you. It's ok to not know how you feel. Tbh - I don't know how to feel most days - I'm not sure how I Should feel. There's things you want to say but - it seems like no one understands or we think they don't. We can't quite explain to people how much we hate ourselves at times - because most people just say we shouldn't. It's like we stuck in an - oubliette comes to mind. A dungeon - a dark terrible place with only a trap door at the top to escape - but we can't ever reach it. In many ways we are alone but in so many other ways we aren't. Maybe that doesn't make sense. It's like we're all suffering - just in different ways. But - Idk - it helps in some ways too - to know we aren't alone with that suffering. I do feel your pain Calm - I wish I could ease it for you.
@mytwistedsoul
That is how I would explain it, or like a dark room where the door has been bolted shut and there's only one way to escape from the pain. I don't remember being this low before, in this much pain .I have attempted before when I was younger but I've never been so close as I was and I'm so upset that it didn't work and that I have to try to hold on more because I've mad a promise. I hate this pain, I hate feeling like this.
I'm so sorry that you have an understanding of my pain, I wouldn't want anyone to feel the way I do.
@calmLake1999 In all honesty - I have made many attempts myself. Some alittle more successful than others. At the risk of upsetting you - I am glad it didn't work. It's given me the opportunity to get to know you alittle better. There are people here who think the world of you Calm. I know you hurt - but Wise and I are here with you - offering our hands - to hold - to draw you towards the light - the keys to that door.
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you, I'm not sure if I can hold your hand right now, I feel like I would drag you both down and I don't want to do that. I don't want to be dragging anyone down.
@calmLake1999 Can I tell you a secret? You wouldn't be dragging me down - I'm there allready. So maybe - Idk maybe we just walk together for now - in this moment. There's safety in numbers
I had my therapist appointment today, I don't know what I was expecting, I almost didn't even show because my head got all dark and cloudy and I was sitting on a cliff even though I'm supposed to stay away from them for now. I wanted clarity but if I'm honest like I was with her that wasn't the true intention behind going to the cliff. I have a picture I wanna share because it really is a beautiful picture, it's not the dangerous side I was sitting on but it's just a little piece of calm I guess. Looking back on the picture I can't figure out why I can't find that calm like I used to. I need things to stand still for a while so I can find myself, find the truth behind all the lies. I made another promise even though I didn't want to. I just don't want my therapist to worry, really don't want anyone to worry, I'm not worth it. I'm not worth being concerned about. I am a very dark and lost soul and just maybe I'm supposed to be where I am. Maybe I'm supposed to stop fighting. But now I can't because I made another promise. I don't know why I make promises when I don't want to keep going. It's so very very dark in my world. And I'm so tired, I can't sleep for very long and I know my non sleeping is playing a huge part of the exhaustion.
I found this song last night, I normally don't lean towards this type of music but the lyrics struck me so deeply because it's exactly how I feel and it's sung with so much sadness and pain. I wanna sing it but my voice is no good for singing, it's a very bad singing voice. My mind is a lot of a mess today. It's a bit less then the other day but the veil of sadness hanging over me makes it hard to keep breathing, to keep going. So much deep sadness and pain just sitting in my chest and the words constantly in my head telling me how dark and toxic I am for people. Its a huge repeat of the same words, the same messages. I'm wondering if they hold weight, is it maybe a little true, or maybe a lot true. It's so conflicting from the words that people I trust tell me but the nice words are harder to believe. I've grown up thinking I'm toxic, thinking that all I deserve is the abuse I keep getting, that I'm good for one thing, to take the pain and be quiet about it. And now his words are mixed in, telling me it's my fault because I'm submissive, because I shut down when things were happening, because I fought him when he would show up unannounced. I instigated and just by being me I made things worse. By being who I am makes things the way they are.
It's so very dark in my world and in my head. I can barely breathe or think. I don't want their words running in my head no more. I tried to tell them to my therapist but they are still there. I'm sorry so very sorry for being me.
I forgot to add the photo cause I got lost in my mind :( 
@calmLake1999 That is a beautiful place - wow Calm - thank you for sharing that!
I am so very sad today, I read over that poem constantly and I don't know how I got to that place. But that place was before him, before things went bad with him. I don't know how I got myself in this darkness again but I'm so tired of the dark. I just want to be gone. I want the pain to end. I want an ending to it all. I feel like such a dark person, like a toxic soul. I feel like retreating and isolating again.
The manic is back, I don't know what is happening with myself lately, during the day I am so sad and depressed but as soon as it hits a certain time in the night I become hyperalert and manic. I've been cleaning for the past hour and I'm assuming it's not a healthy habit to be cleaning at midnight. But also it's a safer option. I've been thinking about the fact that my room is no longer my sanctuary, even with the fairy lights and excessive blankets. It feels not safe still. I still feel him in my room when I lie down, when I walk in. No where in my house is even remotely safe. No place without memories. My mind is spinning, I've been contemplating a drive but not as well. I did all the cleaning I possibly could because it's only a small unit, big but small. I can't really concentrate on music or tv or reading and I can't keep still. I wonder about that change, I used to be able to be still for hours it was never a problem, stillness and quietness have never been a problem. Being still and quiet was the good thing, the right thing. But now I'm not doing that, maybe I am still quiet, idk I write too much so maybe I'm not. Why is it that the world seems to be so fast and blurry at times. It is all fast and blurry. The mind is too fast, I'm pacing but pacing is good. I have so many thoughts, too many thoughts . Is it possible to turn thoughts off? It probably is but I can't think right now. I tried to listen to calm music but it's too slow, it's not keeping up with my mind.
I also think I write too much here. Sometimes it's so dark. I wonder why people don't just skip it. I can feel I'm very restless tonight .Is it good to name things and feelings? I question that often. It's never been good to name feelings and thoughts before. Better kept in. But sometimes you keep it in then explode. I'm kinda chatting with myself in my head while I'm writing this. Don't know why I'm writing this. My head keeps saying no don't write this tat. Retreat, isolate. The world is so much better without you. Why do you fight? I don't like that voice in my head, I dont think it originates from me, but I can't be sure. I don't know which thoughts are mine anymore. I talked with my therapist before about this and she had said something about it but I can't remember. I'm really lost tonight, jumpy, anxious, scared but not scared of him, scared of me. I don't know why I'm like this. I keep being all over the place. Sleep isn't safe anymore. The world really isn't a safe place but I want to see that not everyone is like that, I know there are a lot of good people. That's why I question so much of it being me. Those words are easier. I don't have self compassion right now, I can't find it. Maybe it's better not to right now. I'm judging myself from my failed attempt. Because now I made people worry, that's not a good thing to do, people shouldn't worry about this worthlessness. Maybe I'll retreat.. too messy in my head, too many escape plans.
@calmLake1999 Hey Calm - people worry about you because they care. That certainly isn't something that's wrong or something you can change.
I can understand the feeling that your bedroom doesn't feel safe for you - I had a thought - what if you were to change it? Maybe move things around alittle - maybe some new paint? Something in a different color - something to reclaim it as yours.
It's good to write - but I get that too. The worry that you've maybe said too much or even not enough. We kind of get tired of hearing ourselves so we just sort of figure everyone else does too. It's probably better to get it out - instead of holding it all in. Well - I mean - it is - but I'm kind of there too. Idk - probably doesn't make much sense.
I wish I knew something to make you feel safe. You are worthy Calm and the times when we can't find compassion for ourselves - those are the times when our friends are there to offer their compassion and understanding.
I changed my bedroom around a little, there's not much I can do with my bedroom unfortunately. I also added some more lights so it might feel more soothing, and I bought new bedcovers. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to paint my room so I might do a new art piece and maybe hang it up, but I think I will do that tomorrow. I'm too tired and started to get a bit dark in my mind again
I went for a drive today to a mountain and sat up on top. It was a beautiful view but it's got me thinking well mostly because I'm not alone right now, but it got me thinking about how I don't like my personality type. I'm so quiet and shy, and I guess in a way submissive to others. I can never assert myself properly and it leads to me being in these types of situations. I have no strength that people talk about. I feel so weak. Kinda wishing I didn't come off the mountain today. It was peaceful, what I was searching for. But alas I find peace and something to destroy it. Maybe this is the way my life goes. Definitely not strength to keep going just stupidity. I'm really very numb right now, but numbness means safety and I'll behave like I'm supposed to. The only smart thing I did was take off my new covers when he wasn't looking I don't want them tarnished. Anyway maybe I'll make up an excuse to drive, could say I've been called into work. That might work. Last week I had the right idea just didn't do it properly. Hate the idea of someone being in my space again. But me being stupid can't even bring myself to call for help. Not like I could say why in front of him anyways. I tell him he's not welcome here and he just comes in anyway. This is only helping undo the work my therapist and I have been doing. Meh I'm good at destroying my own life
