Trying to understand
Looking back, though I'm still hurting and not very focused, I think I had expectations but didn't, very confused being I am. I was hoping for something new, I thought with boundaries and no fear of the family making things worse that it would be a chance to learn love and friendship and support. Unfortunately I fell into the dynamic or cycle I've been in previously I am not proud of how I handled it. My reactions, the freeze, the fighting, the second guessing myself. I went against my intuition which was screaming at me that it wasn't healthy and I fought against myself. I am unsure if it was the facade that pulled me in or the familiar, but I developed such strong feelings for him, feelings I didn't believe I would experience. I allowed some things to happen because I thought it has been worse in the past and maybe I'm that broken I don't know what a normal relationship is supposed to be like. I think my reasoning behind allowing things to happen may have been out of wanting to be loved, this longing I've had all my life but stuffed down with the other not to be felt emotions, as well as it being familiar that I fell into an old routine. I am not innocent though in this and will not pretend I am. I did so many things wrong, I challenged him and fought against what he was saying, I refused him things and antagonised him (that's what he was saying), I argued when he told me to be quiet and I was quiet when he wanted to talk...
im having problems with my boyfriend he keeps reminding me of my past mistakes. and i feel that is not allowing us to move on nad be happy
@hopeGsn
Hi hope, I'm sorry to hear you are having difficulties. I think it is unfair that your boyfriend is using your past mistakes against you. Just wondering if it is possible for you to sit down and talk with him about how it is making you feel? I hope things get better. And just want to let you know that even with mistakes made in the past, everyone deserves to move forward in their lives. I wish you all the best.
T.W dark thoughts.
The darkness is crushing,
The soul so lonely,
Like a dark road driven at night,
I can not see any light..
Where does this road lead?
When will this road end?
Turning and twisting,
With the narrow bends..
Trying to stay alive,
And keep my hopes up high,
But this darkness is crushing,
And my feelings are fading..
Let me be numb and dead,
Please let this fear end..
I can not live with this dread..
Maybe one day I can find that elusive happiness..
Maybe some day I'll feel at peace..
But for today all I wish for.
Is to cease..
This darkness is crushing,
This soul is so lonely.
Like the pitch dark of a night..
With no moon, no light..
I find comfort in the wish of a peaceful end.
I can not cope with the night. I can not cope with the fear, the guilt, the mixed emotions. I hate that I'm like this again. I hate feeling so on edge. It's hard to even type and just focus on getting the thoughts out. My mind is spinning with so many thoughts. I wish the numb would come back so I can sleep. I just can't cope with this intensity. Im listening to music to block out any possible sounds I could find in the quiet of the night. Everytime I hear anything like a car or the wind I panic. This is not what I want for my life. I just can not cope, especially at this time. Pondering whether I should go for a drive
Feeling dark and bitter tonight, tinged with exhaustion and sadness. I just want to feel safe and I hate myself for putting myself back in this cycle of fear and unsafeness.. been listening to more bitter angry songs, my calming songs were not helping. I even had therapy today but I didn't say much, I just feel like sometimes there is no point.
I'm so worn out tonight, sometimes my work is extremely hard to cope with. There are parts i wish I didn't have to do, yet it's an honour as well to be part of. It's just extremely draining on the emotional scale. Maybe some self care is needed before bed. Just kinda want to cry and scream tonight
I feel so lost tonight. I feel like I mess things up and some things are so hard to cope with. I just don't think I'm a good enough human .I am so awkward with people and it gets in my way of trying to be the supportive person they need at this time. I don't like having the extra responsibility, or the expectation that I can cope with certain things. It's a lot to carry on my shoulders and I'm carrying too much already. But I also feel like I have to step up because if I don't then there isn't anyone that will over the next few days.
To top off the night of stress and feeling lost, I have now got a terribly sore throat which I think is from the thick smoke in the air. But it's making it hard to sleep because I can barely swallow. Well I never sleep any more anyway but it's still frustrating. Maybe I'm just worn out. I'm not sure what is happening in my crazy mind.
@calmLake1999 Hey I just wanted to say - well - I understand. There are days when it's easier to reach out and be supportive. Days when we're just in a better place to reach out and offer comfort - an ear. Then of course we have days when we just don't have the energy to do anything other than breath. Idk - It always make me feel even worse on those bad days. It's hard to have compassion towards ourselves on those days. People do understand though - sometimes we just have to focus on ourselves. No one will think any less of you. Idk - I hope this makes some sense.
I'd like to sit with you for awhile - if it's allright.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you, that would be nice if you sit with me.
That makes sense, I don't think I can step away at the moment though, I have a professional responsibility and I feel like I have to be there instead of taking some time off. It's so hard to know what to do right now.
@calmLake1999 *sitting with you*
Oh wow - yeah that does add a degree of difficulty to it. If I remember correctly - you work with the elderly? The dementia patients - yeah? (forgive me if I'm wrong - I can be pretty forgetful too) So - um - well. I guess what I'd like to ask is with what's going on with you - is it affecting your work any? That maybe you aren't able to be your best for the people that are depending on you? I'm so sorry - if this is coming out the wrong way - I mean no disrespect. I know you said you have a professional responsibility but if it would be in the best interest for yourself and the people you work with - maybe it's something to consider? Or maybe if you have off this weekend - you could just take one day - make it a 3 day weekend - just to give yourself some time?
Sorry - too many questions
@mytwistedsoul
It's ok not too many questions. I'm scheduled to work over the weekend, my next day off isn't until Monday. I do work with dementia residents, I'm not sure if it's a combination of what's going in my life plus the added stressors at work. Maybe I'm not in the right headspace to be handling the stress of coping with a grieving family at the moment. The palliative aspect of my work is hard to cope with but the hardest part is trying to be enough for the families and trying to offer support in this time. I might have to talk with my supervisor about the excess stress and impact this is having on me atm.. I'm just so torn, I think I should step away but I feel I have an obligation as well to not.
@calmLake1999 That is a difficult position. I imagine some of it with the family is not wanting them to feel as though you're abandoning them in their time of need. Is your supervisor an understanding person? Would it be of any help if you had someone to share this responsibility with? Kind of - well - I guess like back up sort of. Someone who could just sort of help you help them? At least until you able to have your time off and then maybe see about taking a few extra days?
HAve you tried some tea with honey? For your sore throat?
@mytwistedsoul
Yeah that is a big part of it, I don't want to abandon them especially at this stage. My supervisor is pretty understanding so I'm hoping I can have a word with her tomorrow before I start about it. That's a good idea about having back-up, like someone to help when it's becoming too much for me.
I am sipping on honey tea atm, thank you.
How are you doing?
@calmLake1999 I hope the tea helps your throat.
That's great that your supervisor is understanding. It's a stressful job I imagine. I mean it would have to be. I think it's wonderful that you're so thoughtful and caring toward not only the people you work with but their families as well. Very demanding though - emotionally. I hope you're able to get some help in dealing with it.
At the moment - I'm not too bad - holding back the darker parts. Thank you for asking
@mytwistedsoul
It is a very demanding and exhausting job at times but so rewarding too. Thank you for sitting here with me.
I hope you can be gentle with yourself.
@calmLake1999 When my grandmother got sick - and the alzheimers really started to affect her - I was always so grateful to the people who looked after her. The care they showed for her. You're an amazing person Calm.
You're very welcome Calm - I'm always happy to sit with you. I hope - maybe it helped you in some way. Helped you relax alittle - so maybe you can get alittle rest?
You'll be in my thoughts - thank you - you be gentle with yourself too please?
Do not know how can take anymore
@calmLake1999 Hey Calm - mind if I join you and @NoneTheWiser?
@mytwistedsoul
Of course you can join us :) your always welcome here.. sorry for the late response, my mind isn't a great place right now
@calmLake1999 It's ok Calm - no worries. I understand how it is - mine hasn't been in the best of places either.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
I hate myself so much right now. I can't turn off my thoughts or emotions. I can't sleep because I'm stupid enough to put myself into bad cycles that see me replaying mistakes of the past. Why did I have to be born. I am just a worthless nobody like they always said. I just want the stupid pain of this life to go away. I'm not equipped to cope with any emotions I may have. I dislike all emotions. I want the numb back, then at least I can pretend to cope!
My mind is such a dark place right now, with constant thoughts of hatred and toxicity. I had a brief reprieve while I was at work but as soon as I got in the car to drive home it's like the wall that was holding everything back broke, and now I'm back to the same dark thoughts. I feel so negative and tired, extremely tired of life. I don't see what my purpose in this world is, I don't belong anywhere. I'm holding so much resentment for just being born. Why birth a child you hate so much and will inflict so much pain onto? I can not understand the concept of me being here anymore. I'm tired of the haunting memories, the dark thoughts and the constant feelings that overwhelm. I don't like feelings they do me no good. It's easier to not feel anything at all. I don't even know how to hold onto those brief moments of happiness I've had in my life, they feel like they weren't meant for me, those moments are surreal. The whole concept of life is surreal! I want to stay hiding in my bed but I hate my bed also. I wish I could sleep normally without dreams, it would be easier to not dream, at least then I'd get some refuge from my mind, from the memories. But alas maybe I'm not supposed to be free.
I'm at a loss, my therapist always says to reach out when things get tough, talk it through. But what happens when you reach out for support and are judged because " why did you keep letting him back into your life when you knew he was aggressive?" That's a questions I ask myself all the time. That's where my blame sits. So maybe my blame is sitting in the right place afterall. I'm lost about this. I feel like thaf part of me that thinks there is good in everyone makes me stupid now. Maybe it does make me stupid. This is why I isolate when I'm hurting. I can judge myself better than someone who hasn't seen the whole situation thank you very much!
@calmLake1999 I don't think you're stupid Calm. I would never judge you - not for trying to see the good in someone. For wanting to see that someone has changed. I think in some ways we all try to make excuses for the things people have done to us. It's easier to take the blame ourselves then to put it at the feet of the people it really belongs to. Idk - I'm sorry if I'm over stepping here Calm.
Try to be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Your not overstepping. Thank you for saying that, I do think maybe I am stupid and easily manipulated because of it. Idk what to think now, I'm just reeling a little. I don't normally pick up the phone and call numbers when I'm struggling but I did tonight and it reminded me of the blame I hold and why I don't reach out.
