Trying to understand

Feeling very blah today, and I'm so tired but sleep isnt wanting to co operate, but I'm at work too and I have a 40 minute drive when I get home.

There is a very comfortable fuzz in my mind right now. I have been very productive today. I got in and re arranged my whole unit today and scrub cleaned while I was at it . The house looks nice but still doesn't feel done. I have an urge to re sort out my clothes as well but it is 1 in the morning so probably wouldn't be a wise idea. I also had work tonight so that was good. I managed to keep busy for the whole of the day. I should probably be tired, but tiredness doesn't really play a role in this time. I like the fuzz feeling, the world seems to come in slightly distorted and off center but it's manageable to get through. There is no thoughts really, just random thoughts. I think I might need to stop sleeping with my fairy lights on because the batteries are running out quickly. I don't know why but even when I do a full scrub clean everything still feels messy. I have an urge to throw everything and start again, but I don't like wasting things either, I need to just keep what I have and be happy with it. I did do a new painting the other day, it is going to go in a frame and be put up on my wall. It is a decent picture so it should look ok on my wall. I still didn't put the covers back on my bed yet. I have different ones, the ones I think are more sad ones because they are darker colours. I wonder if I'll be allowed to sleep tonight, I could do with a decent sleep and maybe I can try and fix things when I've had sleep. I like the song gone from butterfly effect right now.

Darkness all around,

Darkness pursues,

I'm walking a path,

That is pain which consumes..

The forest I walk,

With no ending in sight,

No light to show,

Where it is safe to hide.

The trees so overgrown,

Trapping me here,

With my thoughts and memories,

And continuous fear.

Am I walking alone,

Or is there someone behind,

Is there someone hiding,

In the dark of this night?

Are demons from my past,

Coming back to play,

Are they sitting and waiting,

For me to see the light of day..

Will they pull me back into this trap?

I have no sense,

No direction or map..

Am I walking in circles,

Or clearing a path..

When will there be light?

When will it be safe?

To fall asleep in the darkness of night?

They want me to cower,

They want me to freeze,

But under no circumstance,

Am I to fight.

Just breathe through,

Is what everyone says,

But I have no will,

I want to give in to the darkness.

https://voca.ro/gyRo4EeKWtb

I briefly listened to this to make sure it didn't mess up through, I hope it works this time.. forewarning though my voice is pretty crap lol

I really really dislike this time of the year, people celebrating and keeping the facade up for those I care for is so hard. Will be ok once it's over, want to bunker down until it's over but I agreed to work it which means the facade must go up, the pretend happiness must be present and the greetings must be given.

Just breathe, they are only memories, memories can't hurt.. but they can, they can consume, takign over.. breathing, just breathing through them.. not really here just there, stuck. Stuck in the memories.. can't hurt but they do, they hurt, memories hurt.. can't not think, can't breathe, can't get out.. just breathe, trying to remind me to breathe, don't want to breathe though, need them gone.. it's hard to see to be trapped.. it's dark and painful

So much pain! I'm tired of hurting like this. I'm tired of trying. I want out! I want my exit strategy now.

My thoughts are a jumbled mess. But I might try and summarise. I'm overtired from not sleeping enough. I've been having an on and off again headache which might be a sign a migraine is coming or possible reaction to all the smoke in the air? Not sure about that one. I'm really worried about a friend and I hope they are doing ok. I kinda want to cancel therapy tomorrow and stay in bed instead but promised I would be at this appointment. Memories are on and off overwhelming me. I feel numb, distant and fuzzy. The world seems to be working slowly today which is odd. It's also far too hot to attempt to sleep, plus side is cold showers have been shocking me out of memories, negative we are in a drought so I've tried to limit my showers. That also limiting is making me feel very unclean. I know I shower far too much but it kept the dirty feelings at bay for a little while at least.

Plan I might try to do some yoga, I need to try and ground. Nothing has been working. Too many thoughts in my messed up head

I don't see the point in putting what I was told on paper for her to read. I don't like it. Makes me sad. I really tried to do it and it makes me want to vomit, I can't do that, it needs to stay in my mind instead of being on paper

It's starting to get kinda scary where I live now. Today we are clouded in smoke, it's so thick here and the skies look so dark and ominous. It could be worse because I've seen down the coast from where I am has been hit hard. I will say I am actually scared of nature right now and being alone with this feeling is frightening, but my mind is a dark place too because a part of me doesn't care that I'm really struggling to breathe and lethargic. A part of me doesn't care at all about the possible impacts except to be sad and worried for all the people that have already been affected. I don't remember being impacted by the last big fires we had here which was back when I was younger, but I had more on my plate to worry about and my parental figure didn't even care if we were impacted then.