Trying to understand
Looking back, though I'm still hurting and not very focused, I think I had expectations but didn't, very confused being I am. I was hoping for something new, I thought with boundaries and no fear of the family making things worse that it would be a chance to learn love and friendship and support. Unfortunately I fell into the dynamic or cycle I've been in previously I am not proud of how I handled it. My reactions, the freeze, the fighting, the second guessing myself. I went against my intuition which was screaming at me that it wasn't healthy and I fought against myself. I am unsure if it was the facade that pulled me in or the familiar, but I developed such strong feelings for him, feelings I didn't believe I would experience. I allowed some things to happen because I thought it has been worse in the past and maybe I'm that broken I don't know what a normal relationship is supposed to be like. I think my reasoning behind allowing things to happen may have been out of wanting to be loved, this longing I've had all my life but stuffed down with the other not to be felt emotions, as well as it being familiar that I fell into an old routine. I am not innocent though in this and will not pretend I am. I did so many things wrong, I challenged him and fought against what he was saying, I refused him things and antagonised him (that's what he was saying), I argued when he told me to be quiet and I was quiet when he wanted to talk...
I'm so tired, instead of sleeping or resting I kept replaying things over and over in my mind. Sometimes I hate my mind and how it goes over every single detail. Does my mind not know that I am tired and need to rest. Just a little bit of sleep and rest will be good. I can do the thinking thing later. It's not fun to lay down and think and think on a loop at those dark times of the night. I noticed my throat is starting to hurt and my cheek and lips are sore. That's not good but could be worse. I think I've been crying on and off because my eyes have that puffy feeling and they are really dry.
I just gotta get through this day. I go back to work tonight. I had a few days off which was nice. But now I'll go back. I want to go back to that mountain to, it made me so peaceful. I put the photo of it as my phone picture thing so I can look at it.
I really love my job, it's a place where I feel like I finally make a difference, like I actually belong. I can go from feeling so very alone to being there and just connecting, helping, healing. I am so insecure and unsure about almost everything in my life but when I'm there I'm different. I wonder why that is, why I can remain so calm in such a sad and sometimes difficult environment. I don't know how I can soothe others and help them calm down and feel heard and loved when I feel like such a toxic energy everywhere else in my life. It is so confusing sometimes. I always feel like what I do for work is an honour to be invited to care for and love these people. It fills up my broken heart when they say thank you or I love you. Sometimes it can be so painful though, alot of the people I care for say your parents must be so proud and it's a like a knife cutting through my heart. Or when they tell me I'm kind or nice or one of my residents says I'm one in a million. It's so bittersweet when they say things like that, I guess it means that they feel loved and cared for like I hope I'm doing, but I still feel they have it so wrong. I become confused when people say nice things, it seems wrong or unnatural, in the back of my mind is a voice saying but you don't know what she is really like. I don't know if I'll ever believe that I am worth anything. But I know one facet of my life I'm doing an ok job in, so that is something I guess..
If only the sleep deprivation would end *shrugs*
I can't bring myself down, I'm so so scared and shaky and the breathing techniques aren't working. I can't visualise. Everything is spinning. I need to sleep. But no sleep will come. I need to breathe, just breathe
Damn therapist and her niceness and ways to try and acknowledge myself for the things I am not the things I was told. Now this homework, soooooooo not wanting to do it, so she gave me a pinboard that she wants me to put photos of my hikes and nature of up, she thinks it'll be a visual representation of my hope and who I really am, however she added the stipulation that I should put pics of myself on the board, she said I don't have to but it might be helpful to have pics of myself when I feel peaceful and adventurous as it might help me see myself in a different light, which is just not gonna happen, I really dislike looking at pics of myself, there may be 1 pic I do kinda like from my friend's wedding earlier this year but that's only cause my eyes didn't look haunted they looked happy.
I might just sit here and silently cursing her, because I know that she may be right but gah, just EW photos of myself is not cool. Ha it might be one of the few times I've actually shown her my defiant and sarcastic side which is kinda amusing, apparently I do trust her now to show her that side of me. Hmmmm idk. Feeling a little unusual today, maybe cause therapy wasn't feeling as tough, and she knows I'm hiding something from her but she didn't push which is nice. I think I have a little hope blossoming
Stock still,
The calm never lasts for long,
Fear dominating,
Strategic plans in place,
Mind spinning,
The quietest of noises sound like a bomb,
Is that my breathing?
Or is it more sinister.
Gasping then holding
Unsure of how long this will last
An eternity of waiting,
Is the minute hand even moving.
Frozen in time,
Interpreting every sound.
The darkness my enemy,
I can not see what is to come
https://voca.ro/1PrggJGg9e2
This is aisles of white by the butterfly effect. It's my spirit song atm I guess. I'm really not very good at this singing thing and I probably should have blocked out my voice with the original track but I'm taking a risk *shrugs* besides my awful singing the original song and lyrics are great to help me through.
Unfortunately or fortunately maybe, not sure, I tried to re-upload but for some reason it comes across as crackly although my original recording sounds fine, despite the singing. I'm not sure if it's a error or something, but meh. That song though hits so deep with me the past few days, kinda holding me together.
Bored as heck. Have so many tests this week
the world can only get better if you do something about it
