Tree's Diary

@NoneTheWiser

Hi Wize!!<3 I saw your reply hours ago, but wasn't in a position to respond. So, here I am, (almost) a whole day later xD.

Yes, you're right! There was a sense of release in not holding myself to a specific mental standard, and allowing things to be expressed without reviewing/editing it as much as I used to. It was a bit relieving, and a bit nerve-wracking. I think you described it wonderfully!

Thank you!! I'm glad that me testing it out left you feeling inspired, and that the theme and content of the post was something you could relate to :)

[Also, I wanted to say that something about the phrase "smile(d) [so] big" just conveys it perfectly!]

@NoneTheWiser

I was a bit conflicted about writing this, (er-) because I don't know if you were merely peeking in, or had chosen to stay for a bit longer. And even as I write this out, I feel afraid that something about this might make you feel like you shouldn't leave.

If you're just peeking in and have generally chosen to step away from 7Cups (i.e, you feel the way you did when you wrote the post):

I wanted to say that I'm really happy for you being able to recognize how you feel about being on here. You've been here for quite a long time and I don't have to imagine that choosing to leave would have been a pretty heavy decision to take. I believe you when you say that this has been a place with quite a few negatives for you, and that for some time now, it feels like they outweigh the positive(s) you had been feeling from around the time you first joined.

I couldn't find the words to phrase this as well as I would have liked:

I'm really glad to have been able to meet you here. Even as time passes, I think there's a part of me that shall never truly be able to forget you, and I think that's largely because the marks you have left on here, the traits you've shown and the interactions we have had. They have, in a way, left an imprint on me<3

If you're staying for a bit longer:

You mentioned feeling embarrassment and (while I do not know if it's the same as what you're referring to,) I know the feeling of shame that arises with reversing decisions, especially when we feel like we had confidently announced it moments ago.

So, I guess I just wanted to provide some form of comfort/acceptance to the idea of changing your mind. I know that if I were in your place, I'd feel frustrated with myself for it, and I just wanted to leave a *hug* for you (if you're ok with it) in the event that you were feeling that way. For what it's worth, I think it's pretty ok to go back and forth between wanting to be here and not wanting to be here.<3

P.S: It's nice to see you, even if it might just be for a fleeting moment.

❤️❤️ Take care of yourself, Wize!

@mytwistedsoul

I know that I didn't reply on your thread when it happened. And I don't know what it feels like to lose a being as close.

I just felt like letting you know that you aren't alone...<3

@loyalTree3713 Hey Tree :) Thank you. I'm glad you haven't had to suffer any close losses. There's been quite a few here but hers has been the hardest

I hope things are going ok for you

@mytwistedsoul

I'm sorry that you've had to experience quite a few. Especially one as hard as this must have been. I hope the day was gentle on you.

(Thank you!)

@loyalTree3713 I hope you don't mind. I wanted to drop off a little friend and wish you a Merry Christmas!

@mytwistedsoul

Aw, thank you very much!! A merry Christmas to you too~

@loyalTree3713 Aww! So cute! Thank you! 😊

@mytwistedsoul

💙❤️

Been a while since I've written on here. I think for a while, I didn't want to write what I was thinking, just because it didn't feel like a good idea to take those thoughts out. I'm also going through that period of having opposite views on everything, and that's including my writing. I'm feeling despise for my past attempts at attributing reasons in my writing. Like, parts where I go "I'm probably feeling [x] because of [y]". Also disliking my description in past posts because it feels lacking and...i don't know.

Thoughts from this morning:

I don't want to change. I don't mean that in a "Ohhh, all this while, I've been taking certain actions, and I couldn't figure out why but now I see that it was because deep-down in my mind, I was resistant to change" sense. More of a "I think I have something and I'm afraid that if I change I'll lose it" sense. I'm not saying that the thing's valuable...I don't know how to phrase this really. It's like...it's natural for people to grow out of the thing and evolve to have a more mature perspective of the world, and I don't want to grow out of that thing. Reading that paragraph, it sounds like I'm trying to say that I want to remain immature but I swear it meant something different inside my head lol.

Thoughts from yesterday night:

I usually don't do self-blame on remembering that someone's passed away, and for reasons I don't even know, I just went down that road haha. It's weird, it's been a year and nothing popped up in my brain all that while, and yesterday, the brain was like "Here you go, have some thoughts :D"

You didn't do it when he was alive, the least you could do is do that thing he spoke about, now?

Thoughts from the past month:

I actually had a good December and early January, by my standards. I...I did stuff, I didn't constantly look for people I was comfortable around in uni, and I did something different from what I expected I would do. It's something I'm kinda proud of. The initial two weeks were filled with avoiding things, and then, it became more of an oscillating cycle between "I'm doing things" and "I'm hiding from things". I also feel like this reassurance in relationships with a few people I met where I'm kind of able to go, "Heyy, if you were speaking with me simply because of social nicety stuff, you wouldn't say that?"

I'm kinda having a calm exterior though, and I really just wanted to write this stuff in its most rudimentary form, not care for how I've said "things" and "stuff" multiple times.

I'm also messing up, via inaction, and I'm guessing that I will be forced to get a move on by the next month. It's scary...the things that are coming, but there's also just this familiar feeling of "Eh, things have happened before, things will happen again, and about a month after each thing happens, you'll figure out a way to work with it around". There's a part of me going that I don't have to post this, that I just close the tab and it's over...the whole venting/expressing thing is over. It happened even if I didn't record it.

-The End-

hello space, didn't think I would write here.

This post is merely me recording things as opposed to me trying to figure out things.

I'm feeling alone again because I'm having inhibitions about approaching new people/people I haven't spoken to in a while. It's frustrating me mentally, and at random instants in class, my brain will pop that thought up and I...wish it would stop bringing that up.

It's like my brain's telling me "Hey, it took you so long to connect with 3-4 people on a fairly personal level. So, now when you're feeling this inhibition again, that's a sign that you're receding into your former self who would not connect with anyone except on a superficial level. Stop ittt"

There's things in my body that are vehemently going "Don't recede into that former self". Whenever I am reminded of this thought, I feel my hands clench and a strong physical desire to crouch or move away from things physically near me.

This has been happening for a month.

@loyalTree3713

Hey there! I hope you don't mind me dropping by the say a few words. 😊 ❤️

I want to say that I'm proud of you for coming on here after a few months just to record your thoughts and think through what's going through your mind. Even though you're not writing this as a way to find a solution, just giving yourself the chance to write your thoughts down shows a lot of strength--that's really amazing! 😊

Personally, I know what it's like to have trouble connecting people after distancing yourself from them for so long. When you finally want to come back, there are these persistent thoughts that roll through your mind, such as, "Now you're going to relapse into your old self" or "You're not worth their time," and it can make it difficult to open up again and cause you to feel the need to inhibit your interactions.

I have also been through times of constantly trying to figure out whether I should even trust again, which has mainly been stemmed from me not being about to trust myself. I know it's scary to think that you may go back to the person you used to be, reversing all the progress you made and the challenges you overcame.

But there is one thing that I want you to realize - progress is progress, and when you see how much you have grown and strengthened as a person, a few missteps don't seem as significant. You know why? It's because you know that you can bounce back in the end. Every challenge we overcome makes us stronger, and more resilient when negative people and experiences want to bring us to our knees.

You are not alone in this, Tree. From what I have learned by being on this site is that there are people who care and love us for who we are, and not because of what we've been through, but who we are inside. I believe that you can overcome this, no matter how long it takes, because you have so much courage inside you that you may not even realize you have. I send you the very best on your journey (and don't be surprised if I drop by every once in a while 🤗).

@selflessSpruce1515

Hihi, I don't mind you writing here at all. In fact, I'm a bit surprised that you responded in such a meaningful manner because I wrote this post thinking it'd be just another addition to the record.

I understand what you're saying about feeling this sense of "wo-aaah" when you look at how you compare to you from say, 5 years ago, and how on that timescale, our failures might appear ever-so-slightly diminished, if not almost entirely invisible.

Thank you for sharing such kind words, and for speaking about your experience. It felt strange to hear someone else express those ("Now you're going to relapse into your old self" or "You're not worth their time,") thoughts haha.

Your writing strikes me as being that of one who is able to look in themselves for feelings similar to the ones expressed by the person whose post you are responding to, in order to convey a sentiment of "Hey, I've been where you are, and...it feels like there's something I could draw from my experience and express, which would reassure you." and I appreciate that sentiment and the thoughtfulness behind it, a lot.

As for dropping by, the door's always open :) Actually jk, there is no door. It was blown away by your response xD

@loyalTree3713

Hey Tree! Aww, I'm really glad that my response was so meaningful, because I know that there are times when we need someone who can understand what we're going through so that we feel less alone and afraid. ❤️

I really try to view your experiences and feelings from another perspective so that I can feel what you're going through in your shoes and truly understand-- and sometimes, it's necessary to reach inside myself in order to empathize with others. I'm so pleased that by doing that, I was able to get a glimpse into who you are as a person, not only from your experiences, but from the way you express the meaning behind your words. 😊

(And haha, I'm surprised that my response had such an impact! xD)

@selflessSpruce1515

❤️❤️

@loyalTree3713 Hey Tree :) It's nice to see you again - I hope you don't mind me popping in. Tbh - I wanted to write sooner but I didn't - not so much that I haven't spoken to people here just my head tells me I'm bothering people - so I try not to and it's frustrating and lonely. I guess I just wanted to say that time doesn't matter - no matter the amount of time you're gone or away from people - the people who care about you will allways be happy to see you :)

@mytwistedsoul

Hey soul, it's really nice to see you!!!!

I feel ya on wanting to write things but going "Meh, the moment I hit post, the other person has the burden of replying to my post even if my response wasn't something meaningful to them. Let's just...not type, ok?" [but at the same time, a part of you is queasy with the idea of not posting, and sometimes ...you're just frustrated with yourself, because in that unsent post, you wanted to show someone that you were there/you cared, but you have blocked yourself from doing so :) ]

Thank you for the reminder!!

@loyalTree3713 Exactly! It turns into this big debate. To write or not to write. I get queasy either way tbh 😬 I just wish it was easier to know what the right thing to do with replying to people was

@mytwistedsoul

yeah, me too!!! Wouldn't it be awesome if we could just know whether people genuinely wanted to hear from us?

@loyalTree3713 It would be awesome. Especially if we could know without constant reassurances because I feel like an idiot for needing them

How are you Tree?

@mytwistedsoul [Hit the nested reply limit. So, posting afresh]

Yeah, it feels weird to ask them "Hey, I know that a week ago, you said you wanted us to continue speaking but are we sure I haven't frustrated you enough yet?" xD

I'm doing alright today -- recovering from a cold but otherwise decent. Finally feeling a little unstuck on the "speaking with people" side of things because I managed to do it :) How are you??

@loyalTree3713 Don't you love the new changes to the forums? Just alittle frustrating but I guess we learn to deal with it if we want to use the forums

@mytwistedsoul

The forums do feel a bit fresh now haha

@loyalTree3713 Hey :) I hope your cold is getting better and better

@mytwistedsoul

(hiii, I wanted to tell you that I've an exam coming up tomorrow, and I'll get back to you latest by day-after :)

aaand in case you're wondering, nope, you haven't said anything you shouldn't have and I'm really really glad you're speaking about this!)

@loyalTree3713 Good luck on your exam! :)

There's never any obligation to reply ok? But Thank you for the heads up

@loyalTree3713

Hey hey, Tree! I hope you don’t mind me leaving a reminder here for you:

🤗 ❤️

@selflessSpruce1515

awwww, thank youu!!!

@loyalTree3713

You're very welcome! ❤️❤️

@mytwistedsoul

hiii!!! I am back :) Re: there's no obligation to reply -- I fully understand that! That's why I take my time in responding: if I'm replying, it'll be because I want to in that moment. (Nonetheless, thank you so much for affirming that!)

--

ooo, so you do that thing too where you write a lot of things and hit backspace on it all, because you know that if you post it, you'll probably end up wishing you hadn't?? lol, me too! *high-fives*

--

I feel you on "I'm not even sure if it's ok to feel that way". It's like you're sensing a contradiction between your wants (of being alone, and wishing you weren't lonely) and going "Agh, I don't have a right to wish I wasn't lonely. I asked for this!! Brain stop, you're not being rational"

I'm...hesitant to offer a perspective because I know that if our roles were switched, I wouldn't want to hear anything and think about it for a while. I would want to be left with my feelings. So, I'll just say this and you can choose not to scroll further (please don't acknowledge it unless you strongly feel like doing so):

Wanting to be alone...can be because it feels like some people around you aren't people you vibe well with. You don't have a problem with them, but when you're around them, solitude feels preferable, because in solitude you can be whom you feel like being, and you don't have to invest effort into the interaction.

Or it could be that in their company, you constantly worry about whether you're being a pain in the butt for them (and then, beat yourself up for worrying that way because you "should be able to feel and act normal in the relationship, they're trying so hard to make you comfortable!!".)

But being alone feels...ok. You wish you were around people but you know the experience of being around people isn't something that would practically leave you feeling alright. But sometimes, gosh, being lonely is SO...lonely. Knowing there isn't someone you could interact with even if you wanted to is super disheartening, right?

There's an actor on stage, ready to recite their dialogue, but the seats are empty and oof- that just hits.

So, reading your words, I feel like maybe a part of this is you wishing you were around people and you were able to actually do the things you wanted to with/around them, without feeling all the things that keep you from doing it? You aren't averse to the interactions, you just don't wanna feel...all the feelings you're going to feel during/after it?

[You don't have to fit your experience to whatever I'm saying. I recognize a lot of this might well not apply to you. I just shared it in the hope that it might be of some help if your experience was at least partially close to what I was thinking of]

@loyalTree3713 Hey :) I hope your exam went ok

@mytwistedsoul

I'm sorry it took me a while! I read your post earlier and I wanted to upvote to show that I read it, but at the same time my brain was going "If you upvote and don't respond, you might convey that you had nothing to say it all"...hence the deafening silence on my end lol!

Ahahaha, I'm really curious to know what the deleted stuff was :) There's a part of me that wishes I could tell you "Hey, you can write whatever you wanna. When I'm saying your words, I see them differently than you do because I already have attached some form of positive value to you. So, I'm probably going to try and understand what you're saying rather than brush it off.

I...don't think your complete post would disappoint me."

--

Yeah, that makes sense! Sometimes, you hit it off great initially and as time goes by, you feel like "I'm supposed to have gotten this part of me fixed by now. I'm disappointing the person I initially vibed well with, by still having it unmended." You...start pulling away because you perceive that they probably don't want to be with/around you anymore?

@loyalTree3713 No worries :) Sounds exactly like something I'd do tbh Lol - sometimes I upvote and then plan on replying but get pulled away and then there's an oh no moment - but then sometimes I write and forget to upvote lol

It was just a case of TMI - I think I worry alot about how things come across. Sometimes what sounds good in my head doesn't sound as good when it come out. Idk - if I'm honest - I've realized that sometimes it's best to not say some things but my brain high jacks that thought and decides I should say nothing - my words make me anxious :/

Yes! But I've also found things I didn't realize needed fixing in the first place and with people - I'm finding that if it feel like there's something different with them - Idk if it's real or just imagined. Kind of like the temperature in a room? Just a degree or two is noticeable and I step back but sometimes I guess I step closer. I didn't know I did that - but it creates that push pull thing and it confuses them - and me but yeah end result - they don't want to be around me

@mytwistedsoul

Lmaooo, it's hard isn't it? Upvoting and replying at the same time?

I think I understand your brain switching from "you should not say some things" to "you should not say anything" and also how "not saying anything" is the only way you can be safe. Like, who wants to say stuff, and then spend hours worrying over what they said and then, feel tonnes of regret. It just so happens that your brain feels like the only way it can avoid that is by "saying nothing". Talking slowly begins to feel like someone's placing a sack on your shoulder and ask you to carry it around? (On that note, I wanted to ask if things have changed over the past 3-4 days)

--

So, in some instances, you feel like drawing closer to a person because you sense something about them that makes you want to. But at other instances, you're distancing yourself from them and you feel like you're sending mixed signals, and they're probably better left alone.

Also, it's surprising to you that at times you get closer?

@loyalTree3713 It probably doesn't help if we get side tracked and pulled away - thinking oh . Busy busy all the time. Some posts I just need time to think about before I answer

@mytwistedsoul

"Some posts I just need time to think about before I answer", true!!

@loyalTree3713 Its kind of a combination of a and b and let's throw in c.

A- sometimes I'll avert my eyes pretend I didn't see them because they might not want to hear from me but at times I am the one who doesn't want to hear from them. I just don't have the ability to hold a conversation beyond yes and no.

B - is just anxiety over speaking to anyone. Familiar people or strangers it doesn't matter.

C - is alittle weird I guess. It's - honestly Idk. Just a feeling? Intuition? Picking up things from people sometimes - whether it's real or imagined. Their moods I guess. I usually assume it's something I've done or didn't do - said or didn't say. Then there's a fear of confrontation because - I freeze and go quiet at that moment or I back away. But this feeling is also what makes me reach out to others when their name pops into my head - sounds like hooey

@mytwistedsoul

I'm sorry it's taken me this long. There's this weird thing which happened where I thought I could understand what you were saying but my brain would go blank when I thought of what I could say in response. ("Words, where are you when I need you???")

I was like "Huh, I've been staring at this blank screen for 10 minutes. Maybe I'll be able to word this tomorrow". That's how it's been the past 4-5 days xD

I know the description you're providing for (a), it's like "I can't handle a conversation. I can't do the usual conversation protocols, I'm just not in the state for it."

On (c) -- I have a very specific idea (that I doubt will fit) but lemme know if you relate to it:

The anxiety appears when you're around people you have previously interacted with. You're remembering what you've done -- the last conversation you had, the last reaction you gave, and you're thinking "Oh, they definitely didn't like that. I p*ssed them off".

You're...imagining what people's reaction to your past action was and you're afraid of hearing their assessment of that thing you did/said/didn't say?

--

Re: the dark part

Oh hey, it's cool to see that you doubt your intentions for being here too! It's like...you wonder if you're here because you're really just trying to prop yourself up, gather praise, feel good about yourself, etc.? I've had that thought for a while too!

I don't know what helps, but I remember that when I was having it, I'd go really quiet, or speak on really inactive threads so I'd know I wasn't doing it to garner appreciation. But...as you probably know, your brain will still doubt your intentions and bring up interesting logic to back up the claim that you aren't here out of some selfless motive.

I really don't know what helps with it though :( I'm sorry!

@loyalTree3713 Please don't be sorry. I have the same thing happen. Words just go poof. Sometimes it seems like the harder you try to find them - the farther they retreat. And it was a weird post to answer