Tree's Diary

I'm feeling like I'm learning to be vulnerable. I'm noticing that when a person I value feels comfortable volunteering information to me, I feel....trusted. It sort of counteracts thoughts where I feel like I'm merely prolonging a conversation/relationship (generic form) meant to die.

My present thoughts are that I would like for some people in my life to feel the same way. Earlier, I used to attempt being focused on others, and I felt like any talk about me would be a burden for the other person -- because if I said, "I'm going through [x]", they'd be compelled to respond with something kind/comforting. It didn't feel worth it...not because I didn't want to "burden them" per se, but because...it felt like any response they felt like giving wasn't something that would have an effect I couldn't emulate in a different way. The effect likely wouldn't have a unique source, and if the source wasn't unique, I had no reason to trouble them.

--

Another reason for not wanting to do that was a couple of relationships where I had a decent amount of stuff on my plate, and then, when the people in the relationship expressed that they required support... I felt overwhelmed. Almost like I didn't have the space to extend support because it took a lot of time, and I thought I'd be pushing similar feelings of overwhelm on them.

The following is my assessment of the past. As the writing is retrospective, I'm certain that past me would not agree with this assessment. There's definitely a great deal of bias. Like, curve fitting to data points scattered all over the place. TL:DR; This is not comprehensive and might be wrong:

When I look back, I see that the overwhelm I felt was largely my own undoing. I wanted to say something that would feel right. I had certain ideals for what a response would be like and...there was a lot of "editing" I did. I was afraid of saying something that would make them feel like I thought what they were feeling wasn't a big deal.

I spent a lot of time in that process of editing. Re-reading/re-thinking what I had written/said and then selectively picking out excerpts of it and going, "This part sounds so insensitive/inappropriate, I should be phrasing it differently."

I was not comfortable telling what my initial thoughts wanted me to, because I was sure they weren't refined. And I was afraid that what was unrefined was going to have generally negative consequences. (There's a pretty big component of selfishness to my desire of not wanting unrefined stuff expressed.)

--

Recently, I've begun allowing for the unrefined parts to come out as they are (this post included). When I re-read/reflect on what I've said, I still feel like it wasn't good. In some cases there's a part of me that wants to say, "aaaa, I wasn't thinking straight when I said or typed that out/thought I needed to say or type it out! What I said there doesn't reflect the real me, please erase it from your memory!!!"

But I imagine that if I feel like saying that sentence multiple times..it probably is me(?) and I should just be with it rather than constantly saying something that would allude to me being "better", and giving the impression of, "Hey, here's refined me whom you will never meet :D. The mess-up you just saw was merely having a bad day haha"

--

In particular, I'm grateful for a couple of people. Not because of something they intentionally said or did, but because when I was testing out "unrefined me" around them, they didn't act like anything had changed. It made me go, "Huh"

@NoneTheWiser

I was a bit conflicted about writing this, (er-) because I don't know if you were merely peeking in, or had chosen to stay for a bit longer. And even as I write this out, I feel afraid that something about this might make you feel like you shouldn't leave.

If you're just peeking in and have generally chosen to step away from 7Cups (i.e, you feel the way you did when you wrote the post):

I wanted to say that I'm really happy for you being able to recognize how you feel about being on here. You've been here for quite a long time and I don't have to imagine that choosing to leave would have been a pretty heavy decision to take. I believe you when you say that this has been a place with quite a few negatives for you, and that for some time now, it feels like they outweigh the positive(s) you had been feeling from around the time you first joined.

I couldn't find the words to phrase this as well as I would have liked:

I'm really glad to have been able to meet you here. Even as time passes, I think there's a part of me that shall never truly be able to forget you, and I think that's largely because the marks you have left on here, the traits you've shown and the interactions we have had. They have, in a way, left an imprint on me<3

If you're staying for a bit longer:

You mentioned feeling embarrassment and (while I do not know if it's the same as what you're referring to,) I know the feeling of shame that arises with reversing decisions, especially when we feel like we had confidently announced it moments ago.

So, I guess I just wanted to provide some form of comfort/acceptance to the idea of changing your mind. I know that if I were in your place, I'd feel frustrated with myself for it, and I just wanted to leave a *hug* for you (if you're ok with it) in the event that you were feeling that way. For what it's worth, I think it's pretty ok to go back and forth between wanting to be here and not wanting to be here.<3

P.S: It's nice to see you, even if it might just be for a fleeting moment.

@mytwistedsoul

I know that I didn't reply on your thread when it happened. And I don't know what it feels like to lose a being as close.

I just felt like letting you know that you aren't alone...<3

@loyalTree3713 I hope you don't mind. I wanted to drop off a little friend and wish you a Merry Christmas!

Been a while since I've written on here. I think for a while, I didn't want to write what I was thinking, just because it didn't feel like a good idea to take those thoughts out. I'm also going through that period of having opposite views on everything, and that's including my writing. I'm feeling despise for my past attempts at attributing reasons in my writing. Like, parts where I go "I'm probably feeling [x] because of [y]". Also disliking my description in past posts because it feels lacking and...i don't know.

Thoughts from this morning:

I don't want to change. I don't mean that in a "Ohhh, all this while, I've been taking certain actions, and I couldn't figure out why but now I see that it was because deep-down in my mind, I was resistant to change" sense. More of a "I think I have something and I'm afraid that if I change I'll lose it" sense. I'm not saying that the thing's valuable...I don't know how to phrase this really. It's like...it's natural for people to grow out of the thing and evolve to have a more mature perspective of the world, and I don't want to grow out of that thing. Reading that paragraph, it sounds like I'm trying to say that I want to remain immature but I swear it meant something different inside my head lol.

Thoughts from yesterday night:

I usually don't do self-blame on remembering that someone's passed away, and for reasons I don't even know, I just went down that road haha. It's weird, it's been a year and nothing popped up in my brain all that while, and yesterday, the brain was like "Here you go, have some thoughts :D"

You didn't do it when he was alive, the least you could do is do that thing he spoke about, now?

Thoughts from the past month:

I actually had a good December and early January, by my standards. I...I did stuff, I didn't constantly look for people I was comfortable around in uni, and I did something different from what I expected I would do. It's something I'm kinda proud of. The initial two weeks were filled with avoiding things, and then, it became more of an oscillating cycle between "I'm doing things" and "I'm hiding from things". I also feel like this reassurance in relationships with a few people I met where I'm kind of able to go, "Heyy, if you were speaking with me simply because of social nicety stuff, you wouldn't say that?"

I'm kinda having a calm exterior though, and I really just wanted to write this stuff in its most rudimentary form, not care for how I've said "things" and "stuff" multiple times.

I'm also messing up, via inaction, and I'm guessing that I will be forced to get a move on by the next month. It's scary...the things that are coming, but there's also just this familiar feeling of "Eh, things have happened before, things will happen again, and about a month after each thing happens, you'll figure out a way to work with it around". There's a part of me going that I don't have to post this, that I just close the tab and it's over...the whole venting/expressing thing is over. It happened even if I didn't record it.

-The End-

hello space, didn't think I would write here.

This post is merely me recording things as opposed to me trying to figure out things.

I'm feeling alone again because I'm having inhibitions about approaching new people/people I haven't spoken to in a while. It's frustrating me mentally, and at random instants in class, my brain will pop that thought up and I...wish it would stop bringing that up.

It's like my brain's telling me "Hey, it took you so long to connect with 3-4 people on a fairly personal level. So, now when you're feeling this inhibition again, that's a sign that you're receding into your former self who would not connect with anyone except on a superficial level. Stop ittt"

There's things in my body that are vehemently going "Don't recede into that former self". Whenever I am reminded of this thought, I feel my hands clench and a strong physical desire to crouch or move away from things physically near me.

This has been happening for a month.

@mytwistedsoul [Hit the nested reply limit. So, posting afresh]

Yeah, it feels weird to ask them "Hey, I know that a week ago, you said you wanted us to continue speaking but are we sure I haven't frustrated you enough yet?" xD

I'm doing alright today -- recovering from a cold but otherwise decent. Finally feeling a little unstuck on the "speaking with people" side of things because I managed to do it :) How are you??

@loyalTree3713

Hey hey, Tree! I hope you don’t mind me leaving a reminder here for you:

🤗 ❤️

@mytwistedsoul

hiii!!! I am back :) Re: there's no obligation to reply -- I fully understand that! That's why I take my time in responding: if I'm replying, it'll be because I want to in that moment. (Nonetheless, thank you so much for affirming that!)

--

ooo, so you do that thing too where you write a lot of things and hit backspace on it all, because you know that if you post it, you'll probably end up wishing you hadn't?? lol, me too! *high-fives*

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I feel you on "I'm not even sure if it's ok to feel that way". It's like you're sensing a contradiction between your wants (of being alone, and wishing you weren't lonely) and going "Agh, I don't have a right to wish I wasn't lonely. I asked for this!! Brain stop, you're not being rational"

I'm...hesitant to offer a perspective because I know that if our roles were switched, I wouldn't want to hear anything and think about it for a while. I would want to be left with my feelings. So, I'll just say this and you can choose not to scroll further (please don't acknowledge it unless you strongly feel like doing so):

Wanting to be alone...can be because it feels like some people around you aren't people you vibe well with. You don't have a problem with them, but when you're around them, solitude feels preferable, because in solitude you can be whom you feel like being, and you don't have to invest effort into the interaction.

Or it could be that in their company, you constantly worry about whether you're being a pain in the butt for them (and then, beat yourself up for worrying that way because you "should be able to feel and act normal in the relationship, they're trying so hard to make you comfortable!!".)

But being alone feels...ok. You wish you were around people but you know the experience of being around people isn't something that would practically leave you feeling alright. But sometimes, gosh, being lonely is SO...lonely. Knowing there isn't someone you could interact with even if you wanted to is super disheartening, right?

There's an actor on stage, ready to recite their dialogue, but the seats are empty and oof- that just hits.

So, reading your words, I feel like maybe a part of this is you wishing you were around people and you were able to actually do the things you wanted to with/around them, without feeling all the things that keep you from doing it? You aren't averse to the interactions, you just don't wanna feel...all the feelings you're going to feel during/after it?

[You don't have to fit your experience to whatever I'm saying. I recognize a lot of this might well not apply to you. I just shared it in the hope that it might be of some help if your experience was at least partially close to what I was thinking of]

@mytwistedsoul

"Some posts I just need time to think about before I answer", true!!