The meadow of a fluffy sheep

TW // suicide

My friend's sister just attempted suicide for the third time. She was completely devastated and panicking so much, which is completely understandable, I can't even imagine how horrible that must be to go through. I was there for her, as I always am for my friends. I texted her and supported her, then I called her and talked quietly and comfortingly, reassuring her that I was there and that it was okay to cry, and that I'm proud of her. She was so overwhelmed she could only talk a couple of words at a time, I felt so bad for her, I can't imagine having to go through that type of trauma. I'm glad I could be there for her, really. It's just that, every day this entire week I've been supporting friends with really rough stuff in one way or another. Although I want to help (I want to help so badly), I'm beginning to pour from an empty bucket and I'm becoming exhausted. It's intense, what they're going through, and I feel bad for them and want to help more than anything. I know they're hurting and stressed and it breaks my heart to know they have to deal with all this. I'm hesitant to even post this because I know some people will see it and I don't want them to think they're the problem. If you see this and you feel bad, you are not the problem. I know you have to deal with so so so much every single day and I'm extremely grateful I can be there to help you. I'm not asking you to stop seeking support from me, especially since I know you have zero or close to zero support in real life/from the people who are supposed to be helping you and taking care of you. I don't just do this because I feel bad for you, I do it because I care beyond words and I know you appreciate it beyond words. I want to be there for you. I want to, really, I do. It's just that this week has been a lot. I wasn't struggling that much this week, which is good, but when five friends are relying on me as the "therapist" friend it becomes intense and draining. I know people are going to feel bad after seeing this and I'm sorry, I would never want to hurt you. I don't want you to stop coming to me for support. I will continue to be there for you, and you don't have to feel bad about that. It's what friends are for, and I know you'd always do the same for me. I know you aren't using me, I know you care about me and appreciate me a lot. I'm just putting it out there that this week has been a lot and that I might need a break. I might not be able to reply with paragraphs like I usually am able to, and I might be slower to respond. It's hard for me to say all of this, as I would never want to hurt you or make you feel bad. I just need to communicate where I'm at because it's the right thing to do.

TW // mentions of rape, murder

We're scared. We have an alter who is 9 and sometimes goes nonverbal and uses cards with words on them to communicate. We're afraid she will front at school, become overwhelmed, go nonverbal, be forced to use her cards to communicate, and then we will get seriously bullied. Our school is very very very good about bullying, they try to stop it and talk to the perpetrator, but our mom is very worried about her using cards, for our safety. There is a boy named Gabe and he is definitely one of the worst people we've ever met. He goes to our school, and we and our mom don't think that even if the school talked to him and his friends, that we'd be safe. If he and his friends heard about us and cards, which they will hear about it. We can't help it. She physically goes nonverbal and cannot talk. It's really really unfortunate but we don't want her to feel ashamed of herself more than she already is. We cannot control when she fronts, she gets triggered out of the headspace and we can't force her to go back in. It doesn't work that way. We are worried about this. We also don't know if we're going to get as much support as we did before because there's a new principal. She might be running things differently. Our mom says she thinks we seriously run the risk of Gabe and his friends following us, beating us up, raping us, and maybe killing us. She says she wouldn't put it past them and that gangs of boys like that, and especially under the influence of substances, definite possibility. We are going to talk to the school social worker, but as our mom mentioned, the school social worker is not our bodyguard 24/7. We are scared for our safety and I am trying to advocate for Evie and the rest.

-Sara

We’re angry. We’re hurt. It’s not fair. We get it, we aren’t our mom’s main priority, work is. She’s made it crystal clear. But can’t she just be accepting?

She knows that Evie goes nonverbal sometimes, Sara told her earlier today. Evie *was* out, and she tried to approach our mom and show her her cards with words on them to communicate with her. And our mom goes, “Everett, stop. I don’t have time for this. Just stop. Go away, Everett.”

Evie was hurt. She wanted to talk to an online friend about it but she would have had to use her cards and uploaded pictures of each card sequence and the platform we talk on makes it hard to do that. So she asked me to come out and here I am. I’m angry. She should not have told a nonverbal 9-year-old to go away because she doesn’t have time for her.

Evie is vulnerable. She gets hurt and triggered easily. The last thing she needs is for our mom to treat her like she doesn’t matter.

-Everett

TW // heavy swearing, raging

*** angry. I'm *** angry. My brother is nine years old. He can brush his teeth on his own. He isn't freaking disabled. He doesn't need to be babied. I *** hate seeing him get the childhood I never got to have. I was too busy trying to *** survive this awful trauma. And I was freaking abused and expected to hold the weight of the world at the age of freaking nine years old and my brother gets his teeth brushed by our mom and he's totally capable of doing it himself like huh?? He gets babied and he gets to have the childhood I never got to have and it makes me *** angry. I deserved to have a normal childhood. I deserved to have had the opportunity to develop correctly. My mom was screaming and swearing at me and I was dissociating and having flashbacks and I blurted out some things I didn't really want to say because I was dissociating and I said "I'm lost" and she screamed "just *** write it down" and I said "why do you do this to me and not Aaron" and she shouts "because he doesn't do this ***" and I'm like well damn that isn't hurtful at all. She has told me I am intense, draining, and a "high maintenance child." And I'm like, well maybe if you didn't *** abuse me I would have developed correctly and not have so many issues!! Giving a big *** you to the world right now.

Huge massive TW trying to be as non graphic as possible // TW for suicidal ideation and crisis // I was in crisis about two weeks ago and came somewhat close to doing something really really bad and today I was with my mentor (IRL mentor through an IRL mentorship program) and she said the word "wrist" to describe where she wanted a stamp at the state fair and I got lowkey triggered because I wasn't fully recovered from being in crisis and I started dissociating and I was so gone and I felt so stupid and sensitive :/

@Fluffysheep8 hugs thanks for sharing this with meee

@Fluffysheep8

hi i am a 14 year old boy and i am gay and my pronouns are he him and they

Written yesterday

Rosalie = my ex best friend

Lauren = 10th grade friend

Selena = friend in the 9th grade friend group

Soly = friends with Ava and Selena

Nora = close friend in the 9th grade friend group

Jocelyn = close 11th grade friend

Ruby = Jocelyn's bestie, friendly acquaintances with me, 11th grade

Lulu = Ruby's 9th grade sister

Kalia = my best friend in 10th grade

Charlotte and Ava = twins, in the 9th grade friend group, my close friends

Okay hi. So today I went to my high school’s second open house. Time passed so slow before I went. I was so excited but also nervous because Rosalie would be there too and I didn’t want things to be awkward with us. I hung out with my friend Lauren and we went to find our classes and get locks for our lockers and afterward we sat and talked. Then Rosalie got there and I felt nervous. We didn’t interact we just saw each other. Then I saw Selena and Soly and they were being really chaotic and immature and quite frankly kind of rude. Not toward me but toward each other and the staff. I was kind of disappointed. Also they treated me like an outsider and my heart dropped because Selena and I used to be really close. It’s okay though, if I had to choose one person in the friend group (other than Rosalie who I’m not friends with anymore) to become less close with I would pick Selena. I hung out with them and they saw Rosalie and greeted her in a way that was much bigger and happier and more excited than Selena did when she saw me. It hurt a bit. But it’s okay. Then Nora got there and she was hanging out with Rosalie and talking with her and I went over to her and said hi and hugged her and talked to her and Nora and I walked around to find her schedule and classes. Rosalie’s mom probably thinks I’m some lost 10th grader who has no other friends lmao because she didn’t see me with Lauren or Jocelyn or Nora or Charlotte or Ava or (Ruby or Lulu or Kalia who went to the first open house) she just saw me following around Selena and Soly who were clearly much closer with each other than they are with me. But it’s okay. Soly didn’t know that Rosalie and I weren’t friends anymore and she expected us to hug and I just shook my head nervously and that was a bit awkward. Rosalie’s mom was talking with Soly and Selena and I was just lurking in the background feeling a bit uncomfortable. But then Charlotte and Ava got there and by that time Rosalie, Selena, and Soly had left. We were so happy to see each other and we hugged a lot. Their mom was so nice and really grateful that I gave them a tour and showed them where all their classes were and introduced them to my favorite teachers. I showed them all of the building and found all of their classes and found out the lunches and student IDs and their mom was really kind to me, thanking me for everything and I said of course and that I would always be there for them. I asked if they could come 0ver to my house for an hour or so to help me make cookies for the get together and that it would mean a lot to me and their mom said yes. So we walked over to my house and they petted my dog and we talked while I put away the dishes and then we made cookies and it was so wonderful to be with them. This is the first time I’m not standing or walking since 2:30 and wow my legs are a bit shaky haha. It’s been such a mixed day. They mean so much to me and it’s difficult to drift in different directions from some of them but I was glad to spend time with Nora and Charlotte and Ava. I got there early before 3 and my heart was beating so fast. I was waiting for Lauren and then I was like, what if Rosalie gets here before Lauren? And I look like I’m alone and lost? I don’t want to look alone and lost, I want her to see that I’m doing well without her. Ahh I was so nervous about Rosalie and Selena and Soly and also uncomfortable and awkward and tense but the joy of seeing Nora and Charlotte and Ava overpowered it in the end. So yeah, it’s been an interesting day. Thank you for reading this it means a lot to me.

@Fluffysheep8 fellow person from minnesota ! :)

This post contains sensitive information for the people I'm talking about, so I'm just going to use their first initials in case anyone from our IRL life were to find this post.

My friend J and I just had a conversation. She came to me for support... well, not really... I kind of asked her a question about R and she kind of dumped her whole situation with R on me, and I supported her really thoroughly because I've definitely been in her situation and I know what it feels like... she was very open and quite frankly vulnerable with me and it made me feel really connected to her. She was hurt and angry by the way R treated her. I know from our conversations that J loved R very very much and that she meant so much to her. R was very special to J and this is hard for her (they used to date and they did theater together and were super close, J had a lot of dreams about R and they were deep and meaningful). There was a point where she was thinking of how her situation with R would affect my friendship with R and she was so kind and considerate despite being hurt and heartbroken, she cared about my wants and needs and that was really touching. Of course I told her that I valued hers too and she was really grateful. We explicitly said we trusted each other very much. She even tried to help me with the question I had about R in a genuine way again despite being heartbroken and hurt. We told each other we loved each other. At this point she had spilled a lot to me and I had sent a lot of supportive messages back. She shared how R is loved by basically everyone, which I'm very aware of. She told me how if she ever brought it up she feels like she'd be outcasted and how she only told two people about this and multiple others knew they had a relationship and she fears they'll ask about it. She talked about how R was there before her and is therefore closer with the other people in choir and she has to be in the same section of her and she's scared for it. I sent supportive messages back and then she changed the subject to something earlier before I had asked the question about R and I thought I had done something wrong so I was nervous. I told her that sometimes I'm a little much and that I can just relate to this so much so I'm sorry if I crossed a line and that I didn't mean to do anything wrong. She told me that I hadn't done anything wrong and that she kind of just dumped this on me while I was talking about something else. She told me I was doing perfect and that really warmed my heart. We changed the subject to what I originally talked about before asking the question about R and that was that. I felt really grateful to be J's friend. She's so great and I'm glad she let me support her. I'm glad she trusted me and that I trust her. After we talked, I felt a little too intensely attached to her, which was not surprising given the circumstances. I went on a walk with my dog to try and shake off the feeling. Part of me wanted to give into my urge to be clingy to J, but a bigger part of me knew that I had already supported her very thoroughly and that we have had enough text conversation time for today. I felt very close and empathetic and loving toward J but as much as I wanted to give her more friendly affection I knew I had shown her enough. She is wonderful but I need to not get too intensely attached to her. I will show myself love and kindness and be gentle with myself. I will take care of myself and my needs so I am less fixated and obsessed with others. I can do this. Even writing this just now makes me want to text "*hugs*" to J but I know I need to hold myself back. I will have plenty of opportunities to be there for her. I will be loving and kind with myself, and this intense feeling of need for proximity will pass.

-Everett