March thoughts
Ughh , I am being triggered by the smell of old person diarrhea! I am going to go crazy, I can't stand living here, my husband, I discovered is lazy , he is all about taking advantage of freebies, as long he doesn't have to do a thing. I am the one caring for this woman, even on days I am not here, he leaves her messes for me to clean, I am so angry, I get the truth ,he does not love me, it is all about him, he tells me nothing! And if I ask , I am told it is none of my business! I am waiting for the moment to be self sufficient again, I have never be treated so horrible! I deserve better, but that won't happen, I will take care of my kids and when they are grown, I can figure out how my life will be and not depend on someone who doesn't even care if I exist!
He disagrees with me on everything, I am having issues with the school, they are double punishing my son, for not turning in homework and he is being made fun of, because he is a smart kid, made a mistake and now alot of kids are making comments that aren't very friendly, my husband idea of solving the problem is go yell at the teacher, I spoke with her but didn't really get an answer to my question, so he says , you probably when in there agreeing with everything she said, which was not true, my son is ver sensitive and is becoming very withdrawn, I don't understand the harsh punishment, I guess I now need to ask the principal.
I want to beat my depression.
He is refusing to help me with anything, I have physical issues as well, as mental, so I feel like he is just sitting around watching TV all day while I do everything and waiting for me to collapse, if I ask him a question about something, he either ignores me, tells me none of my business or degrades me for asking, ughh I have pretty much decided I am done, when I can think straight, I have formulated a tiny bit of a new life plan, it is gradually getting worse so is my total health, I have given up on him , but not ne, if that makes sense, I get the feeling he is waiting around to things to go back to the way they were , but I can't let him treat me with no respect and like I have no say on anything.
Every thing is my fault , I try to be nice , and all I get is being a door mat again, why should I believe he will ever be respectful of me, I feel like I thought I did the right thing, but to him I am useless, why do I even bother, I am truly done, I deserve to be at least treated human!
@jr50
You say you've formulated a bit of a new life plan. I wonder what that is and whether you feel able to move forward with that plan? And you're absolutely right in what you say.....you do deserve to be treated human. I wonder whether you feel ready to assert that right? You sound ready for change.....can you now make that happen? What would your first step be?
@DeborahUK. I first need a job and a vehicle, so this plan will take time, but I really just want to say to him we need to go and talk to a couseller, if you refuse I cannot stay here , I will take the kids and go until you come with me to talk,
I have tried for several years to get him to go, but he always refuses, so I decided I need to be more self sufficient and be able to care myself and children, and maybe then he will take me seriously. In my mind I am prepared for the worst ,but willing to work with him too. Does this make sense?
@jr50
It does make sense, and it sounds sensible to try and salvage the relationship if you can, but also to be prepared to make changes if he disrespects or disregards what you're saying. Which is daunting, but your alternative is same sh## different day! Sorry, I couldn't think of a more succinct way of wording it. It sounds to me like you've come to the realisation you deserve better. So either your relationship improves, or your circumstances do. Do you see a plan C?
@DeborahUK. Thank you, yes I agree, if I do nothing, my life would be, same crap just over and over for the rest of my life, I have gotten to the point that I want to be able to make my life my own and worth living, plan C? It has taken me long enough to get this far, but yea, the more back up plans I have the higher the rate for one of them working out, that makes sense, maybe plan C, could be not so long ranged, A and B , will probably take several months or maybe even longer and I don't know that I can see myself in this , it is gradually getting worse and my depression has been the worst in the last couple months with only 2 or 3 good days.
My mum cannot make me support newcastle united.
Now I hacan't me to a place where I know change is extremely important, my 10 yr old daughter wants something and I have told her no, so her reply to me was " you don't won't let me because you are too lazy "! I so wantedto scream, but stopped myself, I quickly pulled myself together and said she is only repeating what she has heard her father say to me. I felt like someone just punches me in the stomach, I can't imagine if she was 13 yrs old what would come out of her mouth! I am ready to distance myself , my mind has so much going on, that I can't keep it straight. I can't talk to anyone about this, because no one would support me, so I hope I can make sense able decisions. I feel that I let my older daughter down, I left her father when she was 2 yrs old, but he was awarded visitation, once a month , but when she was 8yrs old I remarried, then her father took me to court for every other weekend, her relationship with him was so toxic, the courts were on his side, he lied about the fact he was an angry abusive person, instead, said I was the one with a problem, I saw my daughter change, it hurt me that I didn't just take her and run, now 19 yrs later , I don't have the relationship that I thought I would have with her, she now defends her father, in every lie he makes, and she is 20+ hrs away from me, I try not to think about the what ifs, but at times I see my future repeated in the future , and ican't go through any more loss, my whole life seems to be about that and that leads to anxiety and depression. I just want to live the rest of my life being the best I can ! Yet that seems not within my reach, because I let anxiety and fear hold me back! Sometimes I just wish I had a good friend to confide in and support me.
Quiet weekend over, as soon as the older woman came back , my kids started screaming and acting like wild animals, I am back to feeling like crap, I wish I lived with someone who would help, just a little, I can't do it all , deal with kids , the woman, her daughter, sometimes it is like the bottom of this pit is going to drop out and swallow me. And sometimes I would welcome it better than feeling. .... I don't know, my mind is scrambled, can't think or concentrate just want to go away and cry 
@jr50
That is awful, and I surely hope you get out of this soon. We all end up in places we hate, at times, and feel stuck and bound to that life. Envision a new life and then see if you can make small changes to get there. That might give you a sense of hope, while you are in this big mess, especially when you see something positive happen - glimmer of hope.
Don't let these people tear you down.
If you want to brainstorm ideas or talk about this, feel free to message me.:)
@reservedexcitment. Thank you so much for your kind support, yea, I have been in this situation for about 3.5 months , and the only way out is for me to make a major change, soo I am trying not to rush into any decision
@reservedexcitment. I just reread your post, you are so right,! There are toxic people who in our lives who have no other goal then to year us down, we win if we don't let them! Thank you for reminding me!
@jr50
Glad I can be of help. :) I hope you find your happiness, and also find good male role model for your kids, doesn't matter how old your kids are, everyone needs someone to look too. I am sure they can see your efforts.
Carve your path, you brave soul!
You know the song " you're a mean one Mr.Grinch" maybe it was written about him. He has Garlic in his soul! ;)
Ok so Today is a good day, right now no big worries, I am enjoying the day, peace and sense of being a human for now, I hate taking meds, but I know I need them for now, I want to someday not have to take , a goal I think I will make, when I make my own decisions for my life and that may take some time.
Insomnia again, I haven'tfelt that in a while, but this woman is driving me crazy, I used to shut her bedroom door, because she is awake coughing at least half the night, well now she tells leave my door open, great, and then when she stops coughing and sleeps she snores very loudly, and the cough is ongoing and daughter doesn't tell her dr. She doesn't care, mean while, I have to wait to see is asleep to close her door, so annoying. Husband doesn't care 90% of time he isn't here. Ughhh!
@jr50
Would they let you take her to the doctors, and then you can get her something for that cough and it most likely help with sleeping? There's a good prescription cough syrup that knocks anyone out with codine. There's also Buckley's.
@reservedexcitment. No, they take her to her appointments ,but we are not allowed to do any more than follow her daughters plan for care,which is not much of plan, which is why I can't in good conscience stay on here, the daughter waited 2 days to get her a Dr appt after she had fell, and hit her head while here, she had a huge bump on her head,
@jr50
Such a looser family. Yes, timeo leave.
@reservedexcitment thank you for agreeing, now if I can just convince my husband, he is all about staying here, the deal he made with the daughter was, in exchange for caring for her mother, we pay no rent or utilities, but there is not "WE" taking care of her , it is 95% of the time ME. I have elementary school aged children to care for too. Sorry, now I am just complaining,
I try not to do that, I am trying to come up with a solution, but anxiety keeps me from thinking logical, I am beginning to believe the old saying, sometimes we would rather stay with devil we know, than leave venture out where we don't know ,or something like that.
@jr50
Hey! Change is always scary, venturing ino thr unknown is a chance we all take. For example, I have no odea of the next job will be better than my current, but I'm working like crazy to get a job elsewhere. Try to do your best, AND your best IS good enough. If saying it verbally is just too difficult,why not write a letter, I've done that many times, and it's quite effective to get the ideas articulated and across. Remember, it's your life, and you can influence it. What do YOU want? Figure it out and stick my it. Best of luck!
