March thoughts
Ughh , I am being triggered by the smell of old person diarrhea! I am going to go crazy, I can't stand living here, my husband, I discovered is lazy , he is all about taking advantage of freebies, as long he doesn't have to do a thing. I am the one caring for this woman, even on days I am not here, he leaves her messes for me to clean, I am so angry, I get the truth ,he does not love me, it is all about him, he tells me nothing! And if I ask , I am told it is none of my business! I am waiting for the moment to be self sufficient again, I have never be treated so horrible! I deserve better, but that won't happen, I will take care of my kids and when they are grown, I can figure out how my life will be and not depend on someone who doesn't even care if I exist!
I need to find my way out of this mess, before I become bitter, as of now I don't want to be around him and I don't want anything from him. I just want to forget this!
I will start beating my depression
@jr50
That doesn't sound like the best situation to find yourself in. And that sense of having to wait around before you can change things, such as waiting for your kids to be older, that must add to the feeling of being trapped.
You say you're angry, and I wonder if that comes through in your conversations with your husband? His responses to you sound pretty inconsiderate, but then anger is often countered in that way. Have you considered going somewhere where you can speak openly together with a mediator, such as relationship counselling? Even if you feel the relationship is beyond saving, it will help you to be able to consider your options for the future more clearly, and hopefully minimise any stress over co parenting.
You say you deserve better, and it's great that you recognise your worth. Whatever the outcome, however hard it feels, change can happen. Value yourself and want it enough, and you can achieve it. I wish you all the best.
@DeborahUK. Thank you! For your kindness, I have tried to get him to go with me to discuss our non communication issues, but he suggests he doesn't need to talk to anyone about anything, there is no problem, except me, so I have basically shut down when he gets angry over small stuff, and when he says awful things to me, that is the only way I can tolerate being here, sometimes I even put my hands over my ears, hurtful things he never apologies for. He knows when I am upset, so he just ignores me, thank you for the encouragement!
@jr50
Not that it will make either of us feel any better but I am also feeling a bit 'stuck' at the moment. If my husband and I did not have intimacy issues, we'd have a decent marriage. But he won't talk about it. I've offered to find a new counselor that we could go to together but he won't. I've been ready to walk out the door several times but my son is the reason I stay. Luckily, he still sees a good marriage because he can't see the 'behind the scene' stuff (or the 'under the covers' stuff!). But I'm not happy...from day to day I don't feel wanted or desired while I have to know that there is someone else out there that he makes feel that way on a regular (possibly daily) basis. He isn't having a physical affair but the emotional ones are just as bad. Some days I convince myself to just start doing the things that make me happy and that put my needs first but then I get worried that I just didn't give him enough and that I need to do more for him and that will finally make him start putting me first.
I wish I could tell you when/where it ends. If I figure it out, I'll let you know. In the meantime, do your best to know that it's not you, that he is the one with the problem. Hang in there...
@Blitzkrieg. I am sorry you are in that situation, I hope you know that no matter what you do, nothing is your fault either, some men aren't good at talking about problems or intimacy, which makes it difficult for us, I like you have thought about leaving, but always find a reason to stay, I don't know the answer either, but when we can share with each other, we are not alone, thank you for sharing your personal story with me, I realize now I am not alone, I hope you can find happiness, we deserve it, so do our children, that is my biggest fear, I want them to grow up without any of my problems, but all we can do is love them!
Uhhh another day of depression, anxiety very low, but can't get out of this awful dread feeling, I really want to just run away
@jr50
I suspect that feeling of wanting to escape is common enough when people find themselves in unhappy situations....so I wonder how you might be able to make your situation happier. Any thoughts on that?
From what you say your husband is pretty immoveable in his stance....he's perfect, you're not. I'm not agreeing with that by the way :)
So I figure, if he won't give you any positive affirmation, maybe you have to find that in yourself. And you say you also have kids? So can you find your happy place with them?
And can you see ways to change your future? To keep that light on the horizon that you can gradually work towards. Because you deserve to enjoy your life, and it would be wrong to allow one person to cast such a cloud over your whole future.
@DeborahUK. Yea I get what you are saying, I think summer will definitely brighten my mood, we have had a lot of rain which isn't helpful, being outside on warm days are good, yes my situation is most of my depression, I try for my kids to find a reason to smile, but some days fail miserably. I am trying to look past all the imperfections of my life, and find things to be thankful for, so days, that is a struggle, but I always can start again tomorrow.
@jr50
The story of Me and my job
Well , today the woman I care for is not cooperating, she doesn't want to get up so this is all I do all day , try get her to get up, most days ,I don't want to be up either! Today I feel awful , I have a toothache, all muscles in my legs hurt, I would love to be sleeping now, but this 88 year old woman requires care ,but I can't even talk her into getting out of bed, my husband has been working all week, so he doesn't even help,then when he is off ,he is never here, always out! I am so tired of everything being my responsibility, he is the one who chose this situation, so he could at least help, but no he will not, and can't even calmly talk to him, because he is purposely working and staying out so he doesn't have to deal with her. Ughhh
My mum should not blame me for something that is not my fault.
I absolutely don't care anymore, my marriage is finished! He totally thinks nothing is his fault, it's all mine! I want peace! I hate living here! I feel no love for him! I want to leave, I don't want anything to do with him! I love my kids so much, I wanted a better life than this for them! What did I ever see positive in that relationship, his behavior and actions, and abusive talk has made me forget anything good. I am so tired, depression is very high, I see no light, I can never make enough money to support me and my kids, I want to! I don't want anything from him either, just to be far away and done. It makes me sad that I have gotten to this place, he won't ever talk to me, all he does is joke around or yell and curse. I am triggered by that, for days after his blow ups, I am like , what is the use, going around the same mountain, day after day, year after year. 
I can not do everything, at the last minute I am supposed to do cleats and knee pads for my daughter, I called him to tell him my frustration on a situation and seriously acted like I was bothering him and he didn't care! I hate that I wear my feelings on my sleeve, he tries everything he can to make me feel worse. Why won't someone just love me for who I am, I hate being put down and made unimportant! I hate being inside my head , but that is the alternative, he made it clear that he has no interest in any thing that bothers me or that I have to say! I need to feel like I matter. My depression is just getting worse , I feel so awful, I can't focus on anything!
I had an ok weekend and even Monday was pretty good, but my day didn't end till after 9pm, it had started at 6:30 am, my husband slept all day, I went in about 2pm and said something, but he never got up, I at 3pm I had to pick up the kids from school and when I got back, he was gone. He doesn't offer to help ar all and when I ask usually he gets mad and gives me the silent treatment, I am getting more focused on what I need to do, and he is giving me no choice, he isn't even treating me like a wife, I am his slave. No thank you, that is not my idea of marriage, I would rather be alone!
Well , my brain is still going strong at almost 1 am , insomnia nights are so difficult, I have to get up at 6:30 am, and only time for maybe power nap after lunch, too much thinking on how to get my life and sanity back, is ok but during day hours would be more convenient! But my brain doesn't listen to me much!
@jr50
Your situation there sounds pretty tough, and like something has to change. I'm concerned for your own health if you continue to have to endure this. So what can change for you?
Your job....you sound cooped up with this person you're caring for, and left alone to cope. Is this what you see yourself doing for years ahead?
Your husband....he sounds to be either oblivious to your feelings, or uncaring. Can you get across to him how intolerable the current situation is right now, and see if he wants to ride the necessary changes with you?
Your relationship.....this currently doesn't sound like one you derive much comfort or support from. The thought of changing a family set up can be daunting. What's within your comfort zone to change, and what is wishful thinking?
Your communication......you clearly express your frustration or sadness in written form, and I really feel for you. You say you wear your heart on your sleeve, and I wonder how easy it is for you to express those real emotions and feelings verbally, or do you become upset, angry, or tongue tied? Could you write those feelings and frustrations down for your husband, or work with a mediator to support communication between the two of you?
You know, whatever changes you decide upon, you will come through this. Life is for living, not suffering, and you deserve to find a place of happiness.....whether with your husband or without him.
@DeborahUK. Thank you for your kind response, no, I can't see myself in this situation long term, my husband is oblivious to anything or anyone that isn't centered around him, he has changed so much, he doesn't even speak to me much, he was never one to talk about feeling s I have tried and he just becomes angry with me, so then I shut down. I have tried for at least 5 yrs to get him to agree to talking with someone, but insist he has nothing to talk about, you are right, things need to change, I need to step up and not let him manipulate me,but that is very much out of my comfort zone. I know what I need to do ,my children I have talked to about the situation on a small level, and I think they need to be out of this situation too. I use anxiety and depression as a reason to stay where I am , but the truth is I am afraid, even though I had lived on my own after a previous divorce, for 6yrs,before marrying again, I just don't know where to start and get overwhelmed when thinking about what I would need to do.
@jr50
It must be incredibly difficult to have to face big changes. But you sound like you're finding it incredibly difficult to face your current reality. I guess it's a case of deciding which one is easier to face.
