In The Gloaming TW *just in case*

Had to share the snoopy dance- just one of many

BUZZZZZZZ - wrong fucking answer

Not your place to correct

There is no humanity. Only disappointment.

Can somebody stop deleting shit all the fucking time? Really tired of seeing tags that have been removed

You open your mouth but the words just wont come out. You write - you type word after word only to delete them all. You are angry and the words seem corrosive. You're sad and the words seem desperate. You're ashamed of yourself and your thoughts - your words. They're heavy - these words and thoughts - they weigh you down and threaten to drown you. The silence is just as heavy. You struggle to carry it all but you struggle to ask for help. You struggle to ask for people to step into your personal hell because you're afraid - afraid they might not understand. Afraid maybe that they will - and this fear adds to the shame - you think time has passed things should be better - but they aren't. And that scares you too. How many times have you sat and stared at that screen - that piece of paper - with a million words swirling in your head - trying to dissect the emotions - trying to make sense of those thoughts. Many of them seem foreign. Who will judge you? Who will - listen? You don't even want to listen to them yourself. Who will understand? Why would anyone even care? So you let yourself drown - inches from shore - why? Because you feel it's what you deserve

We'll leave them I think. Proof. Of the bad things I do. The trouble caused. Can't be the morality police if you have no morals of your own. What ever good you think I am - I'm not. I'm not a good person - I am not a nice guy - I am not an asset to this community. Now you've seen - ive seen and I know the whole story. You dear gentle reader - do not. I know and understand the why's on my side - idk. It doesn't matter - let's not make excuses J

Please don't ok? I don't want comforted - I don't want anything. These are just my - Idk. They're just mine and I can't explain my thinking right now - it's alittle twisted

I found a thought in my brain, Something I havent seen in here for days, I asked before it escaped, What brought you here to this desolate place?
Using blood for ink, I watch my stories fade, Writing poetry with thoughts that I erased, Every phrase that never saw the light of day, Will become the only words I ever say…
I felt my conscience awake, It seemed to scare all my ideas away, I asked if it would behave, I wish I knew how to make it obey…
Using ink for blood, I write until Im drained, Leaving memories I hate upon the page, I dont think Ill ever see the light of day, If I leave a piece of me to pave the way…
I hope that somehow, My soul will calm down, As I learn to pronounce, The language I betrayed… As I sweat from my brow & decipher these vowels, May I comprehend doubt, With thoughts that never stayed...
I found a thought in my brain, Something I havent seen in here for days, I watched it walk through my veins, Out through my fingertips into the page…

What's on your mind J?

What isn't? Tragedy struck this morning with the death of the coffee maker. Might not seem like a big deal to some or even most people but here - wow. It's pretty well known - not much sleep happens here. So coffee is alittle like breathing - it's essential

There's thoughts of well - trying to help people and it seems to backfire. Adds to the feeling of failure and then it reaches the point where it's out of your hands. You try to reason - with all involved but then it's out of your hands. You try to say it wont happen again but you have no control over the situation - but it still bothers you because you think - maybe if you were stronger - a better person - more with it - Idk

The Queen has been a constant daily reminder of all I'm lacking and all my failures. She's sort of like a dementor - sucking the happiness out of everything. She is my persecuter - my nemesis and I try to be - understanding - I know there's a reason she there and in some ways it's to protect - but she does more harm than good and there is no reasoning with her

Tbh - I've been having a hard time sharing anything here - fear - just not feeling - Idk worthy of anything from anyone - other times it's that feeling of bothering people. I mean - I know the site is for that but OMG - it bothers me sometimes to know that I took up people's time if they read my words. There's allways concern of being an inconvenience to everyone

Theres been thoughts of finding a long term listener again but theres fear in that too. Past listeners caused harm and there's a level of distrust towards many of them now. Or they just disappear or its hard to explain somethings because they're not - Idk - open minded enough I guess. Which adds to the feelings of shame I often have. Idk -

There's been alot of thought about people saying they're empathetic. Tbh - true empaths don't advertise what they have. It's a protected secret. Something to think about lol

If I haven't reached out to you - know it's nothing personal - alot of you have been in my thoughts and well - me being me - I worry about being a pita

If you want to play the game you best remember there are other players and there is always someone better than you. Choose wisely.