In The Gloaming TW *just in case*

It bothers me when there's a tag and it was deleted before you get to read it

Missed the window for the dog. I won't repeat the swearing. Now I feel like a bad pet parent.

It's International Darwin Day - survival of the fittest lol

Holy crap what a tool

Silenced - it's frustrating

Letting secrets out - plucking them one at a time - forbidden fruit

smite or smote

kind of want to laugh and scream at the same time - sounds fun

tick tock

Type delete

Sometimes - how I feel about myself makes me sick to my stomach

Seem to be stuck in the what if thinking. What if this wouldn't have happened. What if I would have done this or not done that. What if this person thinks this.

Pathetic

Couldn't seem to settle enough to really sleep last night - did get a sample for the vet though - yay!

Idk - just really don't like myself all that much lately. I fool myself sometimes into thinking I'm doing the right thing. But time passes and then I see that it maybe wasn't the right thing. Then let's over think it - then it turns sour. I end up feeling like an a**hole. Just worry about everything - ya know? Too much or not enough

God J - make up your freaking mind

How do you define ok? Are you ok because you got out of bed? Ok because you had something eat- even though you sort of don't want to? Are you ok because npthing is broken or bruised?

Thoughts are scattered - been trying to gather them but man they run so fast sometimes. Sometimes it feels as though we're handed this immense pile of shit told to sift through it and build ourselves from it. But there's sharp pieces mixed in with it. Pieces that cut and tear - rend flesh from bone. So we have to stop and nurse our wounds. Apply fresh bandages. We fall back. We regroup and reacess. Ourselves and situations. There are no snap decisions. Everything must be analyzed a million times. Often during the darkest time of night. That's when the demons come out to pass judgement on our souls. Those demons that hide in the deepest recesses of our minds. They get hungry too

What's on your mind J?

Sometimes you find threads here that make you think alittle - you might want to add to it but you read some of the other peoples replies and wow - you just sort of realize just how stupid you are. So you just back slowly out the door
Just smile and nod because I don't have a clue

Other ones they ask questions like what you're proud of - what you accomplished - there again - I draw a blank. I have no real career - I didn't work towards anything. No degrees - no noble prize. In all honesty - some days it's a miracle I can remember my name

I try to be nice - I don't allways feel like a nice person - somedays - well some days I am my own worst enemy
I get lost sometimes - in my thoughts - in the grey - in the headspace. And time - time ceases to exist. Time become immortal. There are times when I see something I wrote here and notice the time stamps and it allways comes as a surprise
Some day I'll have to take you for a wlak through the inside space or maybe put together a picture some how

Ok zoning out - time to - Idk - do something

So it's like day 500 without any sun - all it does any more is rain. I think maybe the sun is gone forever - should have been a duck

Idk - why do I allways want to delete everything I write? There's no post and panic - just a feeling of meh - unimportant - file 13 it

So Happy Valentines Day everyone

Lol

Let's type some words shall we?

There's alot on my mind - there usually is - today - Idk maybe because it's Valentines day and love is in the air *snort* or maybe because I'm trying to help someone else see - their goodness. A moment of gentle thoughts. It brought to mind of stigmas. Bear with me - I do have someone adding their thoughts too - lol

Every mental illness has one - even some physical disabilities. I guess maybe just about everything does. Even some dogs. There's the stigma that they're mean - vicious and violent.

Depressed people are thought to be lazy. Anxious people just high strung. Bipolar - just moody. Depressed teenagers face the stigma of it just being the usual teen angst - moody - sullen. Sulky.

So -um - with this in mind - some of you who know me best and have read my other thread know - I am a multiple. DID
So far my system has 12 with the possibility of more tucked away. DID has a stigma - fakers - violent - dangerous. I've been asked if I've been to jail and if I've ever murdered anyone. A few times by people here. The answer to all of those questions is NO - a resounding NO.

The thing to try and IDk - remember - maybe realize is that nothing in life is really ever black and white. There's so many grey area's surrounding everything. It's not like anyone can say for sure whether they would or wouldn't do something.

There are things I could tell you about the parts that I have - but I don't. Why? BEcause of the stigma surrounding them. It cause a great deal of post and panic. There is alot of fear that people would see me differently. I even see myself differently because of these stigmas. The monster and freak label I gave myself. It's all because of the people who handed down these labels to begin with. It's because it's what I was told I was. Does that mean that they're right? Maybe - but they don't know me.
People will think what they want to think about you - it doesn't mean that they're right. None of us chose to be the way we are. People don't choose to sign up for mental illness - there's no waiting line for depression. No call number for bipolar. No out of stock list for DID. No one waiting for epilepsy. These things just are - it doesn't make us any less as people. It doesn't mean we're incapable of love - compassion - understanding. Yes we are guarded with our secrets - but thats because society has made us guard them. We're basically taught to fear ourselves. To fear our illnesses. So we hide them away and hold our mouths shut for the comfort of others

IDk - train of thought is derailing - it's hard to hold this togther- gives a headache - actually I think it derailed awhile ago - these are jsut the words of the survivors

Be gentle with yourselves and your thoughts - J

Ok - post and panic - YEah? Whip cream please and maybe some fudge

And trumpets - because - why not? Do do do dooooo!