In The Gloaming TW *just in case*

Random thoughts -

Too little too late

I am so screwed and it seems questionable -

This can go wrong in so many ways

Don't ever buy a stainless steel refrigerator

I think my email has a better social life then I do

I am so ready for spring

Steal my sight

And then

Fill my mind with foreign words

To keep me wanting

Speak now child

And fill my heart with all the hurt

And keep me suffering

All these promises

Lectures

And bold faced lies

Anxious

Randome thoughts -

we have to hurry she's coming

What purpose does he have on the porch anyway

I'm glad the kitty's back

I'm so sick of hearing this

Do you think she'll be ok?

Maybe none of this is real. Just a dream. Reliving someone else's past. Oh God technically we are reliving someone's past - right?

Did you ever get that shiver - the one that feels like someone just raked their nails across your soul. Or Idk maybe for a split second another soul just touched yours.

A couple thoughts are alittle violent - won't share those

New forum rules make me nervous. Tick off the right person and poof.

Man I am so glad I started to proof read this stuff

Ok starting to space out

To the pit of misery

Nah we'll watch some motorcycle wrecks - think about blowing up a tire - lol - don't ask

Idk - how do you know you're processing anything? How do you know for sure because I still feel like shit all the time. Some days worse then that. Do we just fool ourselves into accepting things? Mull it over for a while and then decide it doesn't matter any more? Just because it doesn't make us feel bad any more? Idk ijdfk - thought I did. But I think I might be wrong and I think I might be heading for a panic attackk

@mytwistedsoul

Feeling shaky myself

how are you now?

@ThePizza Hey M - still alittle shaky yet lol

How are you?

@mytwistedsoul

Uncertain and tired

@mytwistedsoul

Uncertain and tired

Hope you feel better soon

@mytwistedsoul

Uncertain and tired

Hope you feel better soon

@mytwistedsoul

Yikes glitch

@ThePizza LOL! major glitch - I hope you can get some sleep tonight M. Maybe you'll feel alittle more certain tomorrow. Thank you

I hope you feel better too

Be gentle with yourself

@NoneTheWiser I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets their therapist with things like that. Lol

Mero is right. I think - maybe I'm getting reluctant - I don't want to know any more - I don't want to think about it. Which is selfish on my part. Idk - I think I need some sleep - I'll think about it then too probably. It's like this little worm just constantly burrowing through your brain. That little tickle that just slowly drives you crazy

It bothers me when there's a tag and it was deleted before you get to read it

Missed the window for the dog. I won't repeat the swearing. Now I feel like a bad pet parent.

It's International Darwin Day - survival of the fittest lol

@mytwistedsoul Interestingly enough also Peppermint Patty Day! and Make a Friend Day!

Holy crap what a tool

Silenced - it's frustrating

Letting secrets out - plucking them one at a time - forbidden fruit

smite or smote

kind of want to laugh and scream at the same time - sounds fun

tick tock

Type delete

Sometimes - how I feel about myself makes me sick to my stomach

Seem to be stuck in the what if thinking. What if this wouldn't have happened. What if I would have done this or not done that. What if this person thinks this.

Pathetic

Couldn't seem to settle enough to really sleep last night - did get a sample for the vet though - yay!

Idk - just really don't like myself all that much lately. I fool myself sometimes into thinking I'm doing the right thing. But time passes and then I see that it maybe wasn't the right thing. Then let's over think it - then it turns sour. I end up feeling like an a**hole. Just worry about everything - ya know? Too much or not enough

God J - make up your freaking mind

@NoneTheWiser Thank you - the only problem is - Idk if I know what just right looks like. That's allways the one not many people point out - ya know?

Oh yeah there were some weird looks from both of them. I think Kodie thought I was looking for something so she had her nose in Taz's business too - lol and after Taz was done - she started walking away but kept looking back at me like I was nuts. All the while I'm trying not to spill dog pee all over the place - yeah - ew

How do you define ok? Are you ok because you got out of bed? Ok because you had something eat- even though you sort of don't want to? Are you ok because npthing is broken or bruised?

Thoughts are scattered - been trying to gather them but man they run so fast sometimes. Sometimes it feels as though we're handed this immense pile of shit told to sift through it and build ourselves from it. But there's sharp pieces mixed in with it. Pieces that cut and tear - rend flesh from bone. So we have to stop and nurse our wounds. Apply fresh bandages. We fall back. We regroup and reacess. Ourselves and situations. There are no snap decisions. Everything must be analyzed a million times. Often during the darkest time of night. That's when the demons come out to pass judgement on our souls. Those demons that hide in the deepest recesses of our minds. They get hungry too

@mytwistedsoul just leaving a hug if that's ok with you. I also want to say you have a way of explaining things which make so much sense to me, it's as though you are reading my thoughts too. You're not alone

@crimsonLime6525 Hey Lime - how are you?

Thank you for saying that - sometimes I don't think I make much sense and thank you for the hug :)

Be gentle with yourself Lime

What's on your mind J?

Sometimes you find threads here that make you think alittle - you might want to add to it but you read some of the other peoples replies and wow - you just sort of realize just how stupid you are. So you just back slowly out the door
Just smile and nod because I don't have a clue

Other ones they ask questions like what you're proud of - what you accomplished - there again - I draw a blank. I have no real career - I didn't work towards anything. No degrees - no noble prize. In all honesty - some days it's a miracle I can remember my name

I try to be nice - I don't allways feel like a nice person - somedays - well some days I am my own worst enemy
I get lost sometimes - in my thoughts - in the grey - in the headspace. And time - time ceases to exist. Time become immortal. There are times when I see something I wrote here and notice the time stamps and it allways comes as a surprise
Some day I'll have to take you for a wlak through the inside space or maybe put together a picture some how

Ok zoning out - time to - Idk - do something

So it's like day 500 without any sun - all it does any more is rain. I think maybe the sun is gone forever - should have been a duck

Idk - why do I allways want to delete everything I write? There's no post and panic - just a feeling of meh - unimportant - file 13 it

So Happy Valentines Day everyone

Lol

@mytwistedsoul omg the one with the tea set....my heart.....so cute!

Let's type some words shall we?

There's alot on my mind - there usually is - today - Idk maybe because it's Valentines day and love is in the air *snort* or maybe because I'm trying to help someone else see - their goodness. A moment of gentle thoughts. It brought to mind of stigmas. Bear with me - I do have someone adding their thoughts too - lol

Every mental illness has one - even some physical disabilities. I guess maybe just about everything does. Even some dogs. There's the stigma that they're mean - vicious and violent.

Depressed people are thought to be lazy. Anxious people just high strung. Bipolar - just moody. Depressed teenagers face the stigma of it just being the usual teen angst - moody - sullen. Sulky.

So -um - with this in mind - some of you who know me best and have read my other thread know - I am a multiple. DID
So far my system has 12 with the possibility of more tucked away. DID has a stigma - fakers - violent - dangerous. I've been asked if I've been to jail and if I've ever murdered anyone. A few times by people here. The answer to all of those questions is NO - a resounding NO.

The thing to try and IDk - remember - maybe realize is that nothing in life is really ever black and white. There's so many grey area's surrounding everything. It's not like anyone can say for sure whether they would or wouldn't do something.

There are things I could tell you about the parts that I have - but I don't. Why? BEcause of the stigma surrounding them. It cause a great deal of post and panic. There is alot of fear that people would see me differently. I even see myself differently because of these stigmas. The monster and freak label I gave myself. It's all because of the people who handed down these labels to begin with. It's because it's what I was told I was. Does that mean that they're right? Maybe - but they don't know me.
People will think what they want to think about you - it doesn't mean that they're right. None of us chose to be the way we are. People don't choose to sign up for mental illness - there's no waiting line for depression. No call number for bipolar. No out of stock list for DID. No one waiting for epilepsy. These things just are - it doesn't make us any less as people. It doesn't mean we're incapable of love - compassion - understanding. Yes we are guarded with our secrets - but thats because society has made us guard them. We're basically taught to fear ourselves. To fear our illnesses. So we hide them away and hold our mouths shut for the comfort of others

IDk - train of thought is derailing - it's hard to hold this togther- gives a headache - actually I think it derailed awhile ago - these are jsut the words of the survivors

Be gentle with yourselves and your thoughts - J

Ok - post and panic - YEah? Whip cream please and maybe some fudge

And trumpets - because - why not? Do do do dooooo!

@mytwistedsoul I love this post. *hugs* You definitely aren't a monster and are a good person. You've been nothing but kind to me in our chats and I like reading what you post. It sucks how society likes to treat people they deem not "normal". I mean who really gets to define normal and why should anyone even want to strive to be normal anyways?

Man that post and panic hit sooner then I thought it would lol

On my mind - headache - tired

Wary - quiet

It's been a hoodie day

Must have used my word quota up yesterday

Why don't you torture someone elses sleep?

Anxiety was really bad today. Not much sleep last night. I think it was last night. Days seem to run into each other sometimes

Some tunes - yeah?

Falling in Reverse - The Drug In Me Is Reimagined

A Killer's Confession - The Shore

Flight Paths - Running on Broken Legs

Miracle - The Score

It's not just a phase
Now let me explain
I'm working through some shit
Sometimes I'm medicated
It's hard to relay
The thoughts in my brain
I'm working for a life that's not domesticated
It's not just a show
I need you to know
I'm trying to keep it real, sometimes it's complicated
This battle for gold is killing my soul
It's hard to be yourself when all you feel is jaded
Shit never goes the way that you planned
Success is a door that always slams
I'm trying to break it
I'm trying to break it
Searching for words, and praying for signs
I struggle to find the rhythm and rhyme
Don't know how to say it
Don't know how to say I'm minutes away from going insane

Cause I'm losing my mind
Trying to find the perfect line
I think I'm running out of time
I need a mira-miracle, a mira-miracle
Yeah I'm losing my mind
Counting seconds passing by
And I don't know when I'll be fine
I need a mira-miracle, a mira-miracle
A miracle

Random thoughts - randomly thought of -
Headache - alittle anxious - alittle anger

I couldn't remember what day it was so I checked - 4 times - I'll probably have to check again later
I just noticed the blue birds are back - little buggers are in for a rude awakening - it's supposed to get cold again - stupid groundhog doesn't know spring or winter

Lost some time this morning - my coffee was ice cold

Sometimes my hands don't look like mine - they feel and look - smaller

Sometimes it's not an intrusive thought but an intrusive feeling

Thought about my uncle alittle - it popped up out of no where - he was going to shoot me

*secret* lol - the back of my head is sort of flat lol - so maybe it's just brain damage

Pain isn't as bad today - thats a definite plus. It's usually my back and my hip - too many things broken - too many times

Music is ok again - YAY! It doesn't allways last all day but I'll take some over none

Willyecho - Monster

I can see the truth

No, you don't have to lie to me

Don't fill your head with things

And think you're free

I can smell the fear

I think you made clear (Yeah)

I can be rude

Be in a mood

I can be rotten

I can be cruel

Might act a fool

But never forgotten

Creeping in the dark

Waiting for you

You won't like what you see

Yeah I feel like a monster

And I'm just here to haunt ya'

I'll become your nightmare

Stepping in your dreams

I'm the definition of the worst kind of mean

Yeah I feel like a monster

And I'm just here to haunt ya'

I'll become your nightmare

Stepping in your dreams

I'm the definition of the worst kind of mean

Yeah I feel like a--

Monster

Monster

Monster

Yeah I feel like a--

You can't hold me back

Yeah I'm coming for ya'

I'm a heater on ya'

No, I'm just telling you the facts

Oh, this chains can't hold me down (Yeah)

Yeah I feel like a--

- You don't believe in monsters, do you?

+ Of course not!

- I do

See me change into something darker

I feel shaky inside - busy head - Tense -waiting - thoughts all over - wild confused creatures they are today
But yet quiet and brooding - Idk - I'm a walking contradiction sometimes I think
Sometimes I just don't feel right - like a partial switch that gets stuck - half in half out

There's a ghost inside my home
That ghost is me

Sometimes you have to pick the smallest most manageable piece of a big thing

Well - this is a nice change of scenery. It's a prison cell. I was being sarcastic

These thoughts should be quarantined

The deeper you dig the darker it

You can't have my soul - i just got this one to fit right

I think - maybe I'm angry - Somedays I feel like I hate everything
predatory but afraid to show my teeth - it scares the nice people
Maybe alittle sad too - F**k Idk - Idk anything anymore

Even my own words annoy me and they don't make any sense anyway

Idk - seems like I've been looking at this for hours

hands look funny

Don't leave in a huff - leave in a minute and a huff

Maybe it's a tumor or a parasite eating away at my brain

@mytwistedsoul Sorry that's insulting.

It's frustrating - i get tired feeling . Lol like literally. Tired of feeling anxious depressed. I get tired of being unsure if I said something here - or if it was justa conversation in my head. I get tired of fighting for words. Tired of fighting to understand. Tired of feeling just - so wrong. Like Mr Potato got his eyes where his ass should be. Some one connected my dots wrong. I'm sending a theme here. I think - maybe - I'm tired. He'll even my phone can't figure out what I'm trying to say. Just did it again and I ain't going to back up and fix it this time

Time - right? Just takes time. It gets better - eventually - right? Are we all deluded believe it? Do we really believe that? Maybe we're just deluded about our delusions. Maybe this is really just the Matrix and we're just waiting for the right pill. F**k if this isn't reality - reality must suck worse. We're all so screwed

Don't listen to me - I'm an idiot

Freaking post and panic

@NoneTheWiser LOL - Thank you though - it made me laugh