In The Gloaming TW *just in case*

On my mind - god

I used to pray - they were never answered

I still wonder if that's what's missing

Thoughts have been - all over but I can't seem to hold on to them for very long

Anxiety has been high but not a panic high - more of a go go go anxiety - keep busy - keep moving
stay too busy to think. I've decided I don't like to think - it causes me to have thoughts. Thoughts are painful -words bring them to life

So now I stare at the screen - willing my thoughts to magically appear - write the words I want to say

Why do I deserve the science
To feel better about you?
At a loss I lost my cool
I denied that I found you

I tried to be a basket case
I did not surprise you
I'm trying to find a signal fire
Let me know when I should move

But you, amplified in the silence
Justified in the way you make me bruise
Magnified in the science
Anatomically proved that you don't need me

Why do I desire the space?
I was mourning after you
I was lost and lost my shape
There was nothing I could do

I don't want to waste away
It was all I gave to you
Take me back and take my place
I will rise right up for you

But you, amplified in the silence
Justified in the way you make me bruise
Magnified in the science
Anatomically proved that you don't need me

All the while you waste away, you're asking
"Did I really need another one to take me down?"
Everybody knows it's something that you had to live with darling
Nobody's gonna tear you down now
There is nothing you keep, there is only your reflection

There was nothing but quiet retractions
And families pleading, "Don't look in that cabinet
There's far more bad than there's good, I don't know how it got there"
That was something your father had burned in me
Twenty hours out of Homestake eternity
You can go anywhere but you are where you came from

Manchester Orchestra - The Silence

I spoke to God even though He don't care how I feel
I sent Him letters yet I found them returned and sealed
All of my prayers left unanswered yet still I would kneel
I spoke to God even though I don't know if He's real

I heard that evil is silent
I know my demons stay quiet
Until I ask for compliance
That's when they claw and they riot

So keep me awake
Even though I
Wish to escape
From these thoughts
I ponder and pray
Even though I've
Lost all my faith
I will survive

I watched below as I saw my son fall in a field
I let his heart fall apart then I taught it to heal

I let him ask me for guidance
I met his questions with silence
Hiding the answers inside him
I always knew he would find it

So keep me awake
Even though I
Wish to escape
From these thoughts
I ponder and pray
Even though I've
Lost all my faith
I will survive

He placed the earth in the palm of my hands
Asked me to fix all the problems it has
Now I think I finally understand

So keep me awake
Keep me awake

Keep me awake
Even though I've
Lost all my faith
Keep me awake
Even though I
Wish to escape
From these thoughts
I ponder and pray
Even though I've
Lost all my faith
I will survive

Jacob Lee - Guidance

You have got to be Fucking kidding me - Someone needs to get a handle on this damn censor

If I'm really in crisis I sure as hell ain't going to post about it on a freaking thread - I'll just do it and that's it

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhT9IO58GGA

Kiss my a**

Hey everyone - Just wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas.

https://vocaroo.com/absIMtm1yuC

So I did this thing - And Well - feel free to laugh. It's kind of stupid probably but I really can't sing. So um - be gentle - maybe keep any mean comments to yourself - Lol!

Let's have some post and panic

You know what would be a nice christmas present?

My Feed! LOL!

Anxiety is kind of being a pita today - Shaky lol
Didn't realize how tense I was holding myself - until I went to move

Really distracted this afternoon - having a hard time keep track of my thoughts
having a hard time keeping track of myself. Just feel weird - sort of - Idk

Keep hearing someone yelling but it's muffled - sounds p*ssed though

Hmm - I need to go find something to do - preferably something constructive lol
Movement is good - ya know?

Wish me luck!

Did you know that peanut containers actually contain peanuts? I know! Crazy right?!

Holy sh*t 3 hours

Can I be the monkey that has it's hands over it's mouth?
What if they aren't my hands? Maybe it's not even my mouth
Sometimes it doesn't even feel like this is my body.

Ever feel like - you start to reach your hand out to touch something but then pull back at the last second and then slink back into the shadows. Anxiety woohoo!

Drawing spiders - still feel the tip of the pen

Minutes of time lost in little blocks - lost in the nothing - no sound - no touch - no sight - no smell
Personal sensory deprivation tank
Hard to stay present

Mutated monster monkey
Sounds like it should be a band - Mutated Monster Monkey - singing Lost in the Nothing

Having a hard time with the fact it's thursday
Feels like the third monday this month
I suck - ya know? As a person - I really do
Behind this ratty grin lurks a wild animal - grrr

Seriously - I feel like maybe theres a double standard somewhere with me
All the talk - is bullsh*t - I don't do as I say

Kind of have some irrational anger - I think

Closet is getting full - too many skeletons

I don't trust myself - sometimes things change as they go from my thoughts to my fingers

Body feels tense all the time - always on guard - ready to defend

Arguing about seeing Doc Z today - do we really have to do this again?

Contemplating - valor - Idk - maybe

*sigh* thought thieves - thought insertion

Idk - RQ - if this isn't contagious - why are so many people around you f*cked up J? You're a curse - a plague- just spreading disease as you go. A darkness - christ don't you ever learn?

Have you got a penny for the wishing well? You're going to need a prayer right now

Stronger people perform better than weak
Stop eating my freaking wheaties then!
Canned spinach is gross

Still thinking about that person from yesterday - thinking how I would feel. How do you not think about that - did you giv a warning? Does it weigh on your mind - that they were looking for help and you kicked them out the door? Sorry - I seem to be doing some judging. And now I got executioners stuck in my head
F**K