In The Gloaming TW *just in case*
With the tragic loss of the feed and after much debate and discussion. It's been decided to create a new thread. Soul space so to speak. A journal of sorts.
A place where I can dump some of the nonsense that goes on in my head.
While replies are welcome - they aren't necessary.
On my mind - Gotta love a good clicker game
Do dogs change colors?
Your overruling of my objection has been denied. Your denial of my overruling your objection has been eaten by the kraken
All hail the kracken
Close your eyes - Identify
Onions
All the things I don't say
Broken - shattered
None of it matters
It is what it is. Right?
Muddy thoughts. Time lost
Hands are shaky
Angry - anxious
I'm convicted with out a crime.
This hell wasn't my choice
You made me - but I wasn't worth it was I?
I'm sorry
It hits out of no where - the aura - the migraine train is on it's way
Makes it hard to see - had to stop what I was working on. Makes walking back to the house difficult. Drama king Pita cat breaking every few feet
Mind your stress J - Always with the reminders
I try - I really do - to watch the stress but man I an anxious SOB
Anxious - holy sh*t Batman
Holidays suck - just realized no Doc Z on Friday
Trying to breath - calm it down - we're at a 20 - I need it at least a 10
Had a headache before - now there's an aura too F**k me
@mytwistedsoul
i feel ya
On my mind -
I feel so scared - all the time. I don't know how to make it stop.
Emotions are starting surface again - too much crying
Confession - there has been harm - just not the usual
I'm sorry - Idk why - just sorry - over and over in my head if I say it a million times would you believe me
@mytwistedsoul I wish I could give you a thousand hugs reading this.
@Dawn04 Thank you - I'd just settle for one tbh - from a real living breathing safe person.
@mytwistedsoul Trust if I lived anywhere near you, I'd definitely give you a hug! And then sit with you and let you talk as long as you wanted. Plus got sent some fudge (will tell you in chat if you're curious) and would share some with you!
@Dawn04
hi
@sunshinegiraffe123 Hi?
@mytwistedsoul
Its okay to cry. Crying is neutral
I believed you the first time you said it. You do not owe an apology for this— for almost anything (I dont think you owe an apology at all but I dont want to speak black and white so definitely).
I hope you are safe. Try to eat something? Sitting with you
I heard that evil is silent
I know my demons stay quiet
Until I ask for compliance
That's when they claw and they riot
Jacob Lee - Guidance
I confess, I'm always afraid Always ashamed Of what's inside me I confess, I'm always afraid Always ashamed Of what's inside my head And I can't breath And I still feel But not the way I want to I'm on the edge I don't know how I can escape this nightmare
Red - Confessions
Am the liar that's been pushed in your head
The great deceiver that's been raised from the dead
I'm the demon you wished for when no one was there
I'm your murderer telling you nobody cares
Burden of the Sky - Solace
Five Finger Death Punch - Inside Out
Silent Hearts - Stranger
From the Ash - Shadow and the Stain
The Dead Rabbitts - Dead by Daylight
Heart of a Coward - Isolation
I wake up every morning with my head up in a daze
I'm not sure if I should say this, fuck, I'll say it anyway
Everybody tries to tell me that I'm going through a phase
I don't know if it's a phase, I just wanna feel okay, yeah
I battle with depression, but the question still remains
Is this post-traumatic stressin' or am I suppressing rage?
And my doctor tries to tell me that I'm going through a phase
Yeah, it's not a fucking phase, I just wanna feel okay, okay
Yeah, I struggle with this bullshit everyday
And it's probably 'cause my demons simultaneously rage
It obliterates me, disintegrates me, annihilates me
'Cause I'm about to break down, searching for a way out
I'm a liar, I'm a cheater, I'm a non-believer
I'm a popular, popular monster
I break down, falling into love now with falling apart
I'm a popular, popular monster
I think I'm going nowhere like a rat trapped in a maze
Every wall that I knock down is just a wall that I replace
I'm in a race against myself I try to keep a steady pace
How the fuck will I escape if I never close my case?
Oh my God, I keep on stressin', every second that I waste
Is another second sooner to a blessing I won't take
But my therapist will tell me that I'm going through a stage
Yeah, it's not a fucking stage, I just wanna feel okay, okay
Motherfucker, now you got my attention
I need to change a couple things 'cause something is missin'
And what if I were to lie, tell you everything is fine?
Every single fucking day I get closer to the grave
I am terrified, I fell asleep at the wheel again
Crashed my car just to feel again
It obliterates me, disintegrates me, annihilates me
'Cause I'm about to break down, searching for a way out
I'm a liar, I'm a cheater, I'm a non-believer
I'm a popular, popular monster
I break down, falling into love now with falling apart
I'm a popular, popular fucking monster
Yeah, here we go again, motherfucker, oh
We're sick and tired of wondering
Praying to a God that you don't believe
We're searching for the truth in the lost and found
So the question I ask is, oh, where the fuck is your god now?
'Cause I'm about to break down, searching for a way out
I'm a liar, I'm a cheater, I'm a non-believer
I'm a popular, popular monster
I break down, falling into love now with falling apart
I'm a popular, popular monster
I'm a liar, I'm a cheater, I'm a non-believer
I'm a popular, popular monster
Falling in Reverse - Popular Monster
@mytwistedsoul
Great song
Depressed - the weight of all this - crap - whatever you want to call it - is too heavy
It's weighing me down - pushing me deeper each time it shows up
The slightest thing seems to set off crying and I get so angry about it -
Keep hearing grow a pair - man up - weak
Don't want to think - dissociation has kind of become my friend
Too much over reacting - I'm kind of afraid it's causing some alienation of people
Kind of don't care though either. I want people to hate me
Idk what to do with myself
I feel - selfish but trying to be mindful of others
Tired of feeling like I always have to defend myself
Constant vigilance
Could go on and on - but what's the point? The farther we go in - the deeper we dive - the more the light is lost - the more we find things that we deal with - those land mines - ya know? Hidden in the shadows waiting to take us out. You start out at a brisk walk - the first hit staggers you alittle.But it's ok - you're still on your feet. Yay you! The second one hit's harder - now you're limping - the third hit - makes you limp worse. The fifth or sixth hit drives you to your knees - the seventh and eight hit - crawling - by the tenth hit you're just pulling yourself along anyway you can. They say it doesn't matter how many times you fall - as long as you keep getting up. I think - I need to just lay here for awhile. We'll stare at the ceiling fan - rub some dog ears and maybe just spend our energy on breathing - because at times even that feels like it takes too much energy.
*ya know - if - IF - they wouldn't have poofed the feeds this wouldn't get as long*
Mmm - mind blank
@mytwistedsoul
i dont think your overreacting all feelings are very important they exist for a reason thats important they mean something lead somewhere and crying too it means something the criticisms about the crying that its wrong to do it that it should be supressed most likely are very old thoughts not new " your mind is filled with old thoughts mostly someone elses old thoughts " thats a true saying all of it exists for a reason protectiveness anger sadness and everything else - i hope some kind of feed is brought back i know that would help a lot it still makes me frustrated knowing it could have been replaced at the same time with something else with just a little thoughtful planning and consideration of peoples feelings but didnt happen and no details when a replacement will happen making people unsure of it but i miss it too i was just starting to get into the feed id like a feed back too <3
@mytwistedsoul
What you wrote has so much meaning for me...like asking a friend to write down my thoughts...so much truth in there that applies to me like a glove...
@grillme Hey Bones - man - I'm so sorry you feel this way too - it's reassuring in some ways to know I'm not alone feeling this way
@mytwistedsoul
My whole life was hit after hit after hit some more...took them, hit rock bottoms, basements of rock bottoms then put my knee down and rose again time after time or floated to the surface...this time as I told Jenny I was afraid it was going to be my last one, the one when I'll say finally "I'm done", "another one bites the dust..."...everything you wrote has deep meaning for me...