🍎 Freddy's Apple Orchard
hi hi Freddy just wanted to have a swag diary space so this is it
I'm not guaranteeing that I'll remember to put tws and I'd rather not have too many comments from others on this
Apple Orchard because apple orchards are my comfort spot and my mind revolves around being apl a lot
I'll most likely rant about dissociation, autism and being apl or write love letters to classical music
quotes:
"There's always something to live for. Classical music."
"...because no matter what you have to endure, dear, playing chopin will always heal your mind." -by doris
"A deep belief in your own dignity, your own worth. Never let anyone make you feel like you're nobody. Always feel that you count, that you're worthy and that your life has ultimate significance." -by doll-y
I'm scared I know I'm doing stupid things but I can't reach my mind or body. I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared cuz i flipped through my notebook and I just hope I'm imagining my schizo & psychosis symptoms getting stronger.
the people around me love me and care Abt me a lot and it makes me want 2 throw up. other people would be so happy. i wish I could just transfer attraction other people feel towards me to someone else. need a friend? here u go!!!! i don't want them!!!! please take them!!!!! please get all these people off me who think it is ok to pull me into a friendship contract without asking. please get me out of platonormativity
On the Bright Side i made apothiapl flags 2 better show my passion for hating friendships and rejecting platonormativity and I added dimin/unedo to my pronoun sets for the spinterest obsession also i feel miserable but less insane than last week so ok
going insane again
i am ovethinking this again I've been overthinking this so many times. i need to stop it's making me go crazy. i just want to sleep. whyyyyyy am I doing this. it's alright it's okay breathebreathebreathebreathebreathebreathebreathe.
someone get me out of my brain. i am so scared of ending up in a psychward again. last time was horrible and i'm scared. i hate people. they want to put me into psychwards.
I don't know how I ended up in this headspace again.
I spent the whole day on my phone but I deep dived into my special interest so well I feel so dissociatey but that makes sense. So I didn't get anything done but I now know I have a special interest in human behaviour and that explains so much. But it made me forget I am a living human being who is supposed to get stuff done. Andddd now I am stressed and anxious because I don't have structure, I am supposed to function and I have to navigate these social situations tomorrow I have no idea how to deal with.
I lost my mind again. In too many things.
Can't trust psychiatrists, doctors or any medical professionals. Can't trust my guardians. Can't trust my fam. Can't trust my friends. Can't trust the people close to me. Can't trust the people I talk to. Can't trust socials. Can't trust my own mind or perception. Can't trust anyone or anything. Nowhere is safe.
I'm so stupid. "If I master social interaction my life will be amazing I'll be happy" Surprise, you never will. You don't even want to ha. Try to figure that one out. I hate people.
Scared of psychward. just scared. I don't trust them. I don't trust anyone. Doctors are the worst from all. I need to stop talking. To anyone. My friends are some *** vampires longing for my blood and energy. A lot of people are. I thought everything is going to be okk when I tell people stuff makes me uncomfy. But platonormativity reigns their minds. They're hopeless. "We care about you." "I'm so glad we've met" "hey bestieee". No, shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. I wish I was allowed to stab them. Fantasizing about some aesthetic daggers in the back's of the people I talk to.
my brain doesn't work. made impulsive decision 2 meet up w my "friends". trying to comprehend that i feel awful becuz i met up 4 hours w my "friends" and that destroys me completely cuz like I'm aware but people around me keep telling me or experiencing other things than me so it's like kinda shocking my memory is quite reliable actually sometimes can be and idk how to tell my therapist anything that's on my mind like i literally cannot tell her if I do not script it out. i totally don't get that btw but somewhere in between audhd trauma constant dissociation chronic pain burnout anxiety depression hating people not trusting doctors i guess it makes sense or sumthing
hewo dear apple orchard, i haven't been here for some days~ I hope some peace and quiet helped you blossom? mhm it's prolly not yet the time for you to carry blossoms and fruits. it's june which makes me painfully aware of how much time I loose thanks to dissociating through life. even on good days it's so difficult ugh. today started off good ! i even stimmed and remembered to breathe and take a break... but one small thing can flip my mood in under a second. My piano teacher is going to ask me how my music performance went and how do I explain I didn't play even one correct chord? She'll understand I'm sure but I hate being vulnerable and I hate to admit I have zero control over my mood. I'm dreading that conversation already.. i am aware what's happening with me and my mindset right now. it's changing and that's scary. it's good change but it's hard to see it as good change when to most people I'm just becoming less useful or worse
@froggeychair
hey. Long time no see.
Hey there Keith <3
i just came back here after months...I'm so sorry for the late response. I do remember you from the rainbow room and it gave me a little spark of light in my day seeing u tagged me :] i wonder if u r gonna read this anytime soon becuz of my late response but if you read this lemme know how you're doing. I might stay on cups for a while again actually X3
@froggeychair you can not imagine the happiness i felt when i saw you in my notifications. its okay, you were late for like 10 months only.
i'm doing okay- surviving. how are youuu? and is everything okay for you? rainbow room was removed. so all we've got is sr. i hate the playground- but anyways. i am soo happy to know you're alive!
<33
keithhhhhh rahhhg!!!!!
my heart broke when i was informed the rainbow room isn't permanent anymore omg....where tf are we supposed to hide now QWQ ???
also NO WAY U RESPONDED WITHIN A DAY WHAT-
I was scared I had missed uuuu already qwq
hehe yes, I'm alive indeed ! a lot of things happened, a whole year went by oh man, i found out a lot of stuff about myself like that I prolly have DID n BPD n I'm turning 18 in a little more than two months where I will finally be able to leave my bio fam. Life is still hard but I've been on antidepressants now for about a year and it's been making life a lot easier qwq been having many realizations the past months n stuff n ywah. In my last two years of school now preparing for graduation n actually having a plan what to study n pursue as a career after, also just recently got into a relationship with my handsome boyfie x3 sooo yup. still in much chaos but really really relieving to finally be able to navigate the chaos just a tiny bit. Hehe sorry for the dump, I get too excited about yapping. How are you? Update me too??
@froggeychair
I hated when i saw rainbow room wasnt there anymore and so true. where are we supposed to hide now- and sr is too idk- it doesnt have that comforting aura.
i responded within 40 minutes lmfaoooo
i'm really sorry to hear you got did and bpd but hey, you can get through this! and glad you going to get away from your family. and omg awesome hot boyfriend!
what are you pursuing?
tbh, i'd love to hear anybody yap.
my life... uuhhh. tbh the only reason i actually still am on cups is because umm two people committed (i think you'd know), other two people disappeared. and then there is this other person who is struggling to hold on. i dont wanna make the same mistake i did last year- going inactive.
i'm glad you going through the chaos! mee, its still very chaotic. at times, i feel life is an adventure and then other times i'm like i hate myself and dont care whats going to happen. i'm in 10th grade which is a BIG thing in my country because its like the first thing going on a student's resume. my mother is all crazy. societal pressure and reputation and all that bs. i love studying- i do but idk i think the expectations kinda pushed me down.
anywayss, i'm still soo glad you're alive. and omg introduce me to your alters (if you have any yet)
we should schedule some time to talk in sr or tcr- like 14 hours from now?
and DO NOT lose contact with me T-T
<33
Jahsjshshs I read this like 20 minutes after but looks like I switched out n forgot to answer I'm sorry qwq
We should totally set up some time to talk ahhh- give me a new time whenever you're free, I'm usually always free (procrastinating school work HELPPPPp)
I don't like sr either, I don't know, I never felt safe there so I GET IT QWQ
Aghhh so the plan is to study biology with a major in nature conservation and wildlife and work as a pianist/musician/piano teacher on the side uwu
I loooove animals n nature!!! (more than humans)
Going inactive is not a mistake, hon. It's not your fault people leave and it's not your responsibility to keep them alive. Please don't put too much responsibility on yourself when you're struggling enough yourself. Take care of yourself, yes? Please do.
10th grade sounds awful :( Where are you from if you're comfortable sharing? It is said to be one of the hardest here too but I don't know, maybe I just can't remember anything and it wasn't me back then and that makes it feel not special. I don't know, I kinda think school always sucks because it straight up is romanticized prison with extra high pressure from everywhere. I wish you all the best, I'm here if you need. School sucks and I'm proud of you, just surviving is a success. Hope you remember that. We don't listen to crazy mom please, parents ain't always right. (Rarely ever really).
Aghhhhh my alters there are too many lolz- I know about 30 so far and it's just chaos kahskaaj😭 Reshi and Luofa are my most frequent fronters lately. Reshi just stole it's name from a pokemon ("it's pretty okkkk?" It says) n is pretty much an emo gothic clown ***??? It is pretty sassy n such a loudmouth x3. Luofa has ram horns, Idk what's up with that and he mostly just controls the body n is stoic observer kinda guy. There's Silk who's pink scene girlie, Synco is gossip girl bestie of Reshi, Momo is your average super unmotivated teenage girl, Ckokco's nature hippie animal advocate, Soren's a *** talker, Lupo, Lukas, Sunny, Lola, Cora, Morgana, Yoshi, Ari, Jay, Gift ahhhh n more xd
I WON'TT loose contact ahhh!! Maybe we can exchange socials here or sumthing I don't remember if that's allowed tho
@froggeychair
ahh, its okayyyy. idk. my family thinks i left cups last year and i was actually planning to but then i decided the account. hehe. yyeah, i'm on cups secretly.
nature+music= SLAYYY (who needs humans anyway)
yeahh, i'll take care if myself. thankyouu you to please take care.
i'm from india. so, umm yk the asian steretype- lmao its true and its very stressful. where are youu from? i wish you the best too! thankyouuu so much. T-T
30 alters- how do you DID people live?! T-T Reshi is a pretty pokemon frr. emo gothic clown lmfaoooo
nice to meet all the alters lmao. ((:
yess, dont you dare lose contact and omg tell me about the boyfriend. exchanging socials in not allowed T-T but trust me i would do it xD
we can MAYBE meet in sr in about 24 hours. i may or may not be able to come, sorryy. but yeah lets try.
<33
@Keith22534
NO WAYYYY SOCIALS ARENT ALLOWED IS THIS PRISON 2.0?????? there must be a workaround or something no????????? E MAIL ADRESS OR SUMTHIN???????????
jslkfjlsk 30 alters isn't even so much ehehhe >w< i mean there are systems with 3 alters, there are ones with 300 and more and anything in between. It's fascinating, really.
India, i see, hm. That sounds rough. Ngl, all the Indian students I know are depressed so you aren't alone. You're rocking it, alrighty? You already survived so much, you got this <3
ahhh my boyfie... i'm actually so anxious about it cuz my last relationship triggered the *** out of me. but this one mhm. i dont wanna say stupid things which i'll regret again, god.. but he gets me as badly as no one before did. He has BPD n DID too.. I only actually figured out my DIID when we knew each other for some time already n when i came out as a system to him he came out to me too. N bpd i only figured out through him. he's filipino n soooooooooo hot omgomgomgomgomg i- we r both like sooooo mentally ill but we can protect n support n comfort each other INSANELY well cuz we just have very similar issues. We r very dependent on each other, not gonna lie, which I'm trying to work on but it's fine for now since we're both equally obsessed since...months help. i'm kinda overly cautious I guess but I'm also just really scared that we'll somehow trigger each other n explode and destroy each other as well as drag the whole universe down with us lmao- ANYWAYS. but ywah besides this huge wall of paranoia, he's so cute, he keeps writing me love letters and poems n he's opening up more n more n he's the only one I'm comfortable unmasking around n being my true self n all n it feels like first time in my life i can be honest me around someone. he actually makes me discover more of the authentic me??? we're the minds x fists duo, i'm the minds he's the fists, i do the wordy stuff n he does the fighting :3 he's veryyyyyy daddy coughs coughs....he loves me too much n i just wanna protect him. he's such a baby qwq yet he protects me all the time..AHHHHHHHH. he lives ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD. but we're in our delusional thinking of moving together n marrying n all that stuff jsflksjdlkfjsd. ok help fsdjflksdjf idk what to say else...
i prolly wont be here in the 24 hours from your message cuz i'm in school there qwq im 3.5 hours behind in time or sumthing. maybe sometime in the evening? :'D