🍎 Freddy's Apple Orchard
hi hi Freddy just wanted to have a swag diary space so this is it
I'm not guaranteeing that I'll remember to put tws and I'd rather not have too many comments from others on this
Apple Orchard because apple orchards are my comfort spot and my mind revolves around being apl a lot
I'll most likely rant about dissociation, autism and being apl or write love letters to classical music
quotes:
"There's always something to live for. Classical music."
"...because no matter what you have to endure, dear, playing chopin will always heal your mind." -by doris
"A deep belief in your own dignity, your own worth. Never let anyone make you feel like you're nobody. Always feel that you count, that you're worthy and that your life has ultimate significance." -by doll-y
I dunt hav enewgy and I cawnt get enewgy. The things which used to hewp me don't hewp anymowe. Music doesn't sound good. *** and other Socials is a NoNo cuz ovawhewming as weww. What does Fweddy do?
It's May and I'm slowly going insane.
I can't *** do this anymore. Anytime someone asks me how I am doing I want to burst but if I burst they'll call me an evil psychopath. At this point I can't do anything for myself anymore.
I solely live for other people so they can live off my energy. Imgoinginsaneimgoinginsaneingoinginsane. Can I please leave that *** groupchat? Can I please put my *** phone away. Can I please stop this? I mean I really want this to stop. But if I'll put my phone away anxiety and chronic pain and all thoughts will come back in. And either way I'll perish. I'll perish. People say talking will make it easier. But after talking I'll still perish. And everything will be even worse than before.
I want to run away. Far away. I want to get distance to all these people who consider me their f. I don't want to have these people in my life which pull me into invisible contracts, who think overstepping boundaries is alright when they pulled me unknowingly into that contract, i dont want to have these people in my life i don't want to have these people in my life i don't want to have these people in my life. everywhere I go it's natural everywhere i look it's normal everywhere i look it's the only acceptable option. please stop. please stop talking to me. please stop telling me I'm special. please stop telling me you want to spend your life with me please stop making plans with me please stop caring about me more than about any other person. please stop. i want all of this to stop. i want to be able to say i'm non-friending. i want to be able to say no. i want to be able to say i don't care. i want to be able to ignore everybody around me. i want to be able to be apothiplatonic without forcing *** onto myself. could somebody make everyone around me disappear? please lemme start a new life somewhere where nobody knows who I am as an eremite in the woods. It's May and I want to scream. "Wir sehen Neptun." "mAnChMaL"
Piece: Chopin e minor etude
nope nope nope nopenopenppenopenopemppe
cmon please shut up i don't want this. i don't want the hearts, i don't want the "awww did something happen luvvv<3". please goawaypleasegoawaypleasegoawaypleasegoawsy teleport me out of here
It's May and I feel empty.
My head is spinning. I don't know what I'm doing anymore but that's probably more than before. The internet is so empty. People are so empty. So boring and pointless it's insane. I try to engage in social but it's pointless. I want to run away from all these people. I don't want to fit in, I finally want to leave.
What are you doing, Freddy? Don't you know that will make you hate yourself? Yupp, I know. I'm aware. Why does everything have to be so real? I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to bang my head against a nice solid wall so I never have to think again. I want to run far away. I don't want to go back. I don't want to go back to people. Most of them are so sweet. And I still hate it. Why can't I just back off? Why do I feel so obligated to talk to other people? What are you doing, Freddy? what are you doing
I should find some healthy coping mechanisms. The f one is not helpful. Funny how it keeps making me insane and I can't help it. I meditated today twice. Proud of myself for that. Fs make me go insane. Getting up was easier today. My head is a mess. I don't know how to act anymore. I often know how I'm supposed to act. I learned to act that way. But it's painful. It makes me more functional I guess but just to other people. I loose control over myself and it doesn't feel like I'm truly alive. What are you doing, Freddy? I am doing my best. That has to be enough. It is enough. It will be enough. I know that. But I wish everything was easier.
What's the point if I keep harming myself. I am not going to stop am I? It isn't even a knife. Without it everything is pointless. Without it I reread my favorite manga, study, read, practice instruments and learn languages. My life is so perfect without it. So perfect it would be pointless. I want to freeze time and go. Far away. Somewhere to Lola and farer along.
Turns out. Everything is hard because I'm overwhelmed. Turns out sleeping makes it better. But how am I supposed to keep up w school when I need the whole afternoon to recover from school. Cry.
What's wrong? Everything.
Daylight is too bright. Makes my head hurt. Phone screen makes my head hurt. Eating makes me feel sick no matter what I eat or how much. No matter what I do anxiety catches up when I don't keep my perfect structure. Breathing hurts, my finger tips hurt, my feet hurt. Dissociated I can't get my mind to cooperate but when I am grounded my body doesn't cooperate. My parents don't believe I dissociate but they deeply believe in my sensory issues being my own fault. Funny. So so funny. Funny. funnyfunnyfunny. I never realized the physical signs of overwhelm my body has been giving me were overwhelm lol. It still sounds very fake to me that other people don't feel like they were just run over by a car after school.
