🍎 Freddy's Apple Orchard
hi hi Freddy just wanted to have a swag diary space so this is it
I'm not guaranteeing that I'll remember to put tws and I'd rather not have too many comments from others on this
Apple Orchard because apple orchards are my comfort spot and my mind revolves around being apl a lot
I'll most likely rant about dissociation, autism and being apl or write love letters to classical music
quotes:
"There's always something to live for. Classical music."
"...because no matter what you have to endure, dear, playing chopin will always heal your mind." -by doris
"A deep belief in your own dignity, your own worth. Never let anyone make you feel like you're nobody. Always feel that you count, that you're worthy and that your life has ultimate significance." -by doll-y
I'm scared I know I'm doing stupid things but I can't reach my mind or body. I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared cuz i flipped through my notebook and I just hope I'm imagining my schizo & psychosis symptoms getting stronger.
the people around me love me and care Abt me a lot and it makes me want 2 throw up. other people would be so happy. i wish I could just transfer attraction other people feel towards me to someone else. need a friend? here u go!!!! i don't want them!!!! please take them!!!!! please get all these people off me who think it is ok to pull me into a friendship contract without asking. please get me out of platonormativity
On the Bright Side i made apothiapl flags 2 better show my passion for hating friendships and rejecting platonormativity and I added dimin/unedo to my pronoun sets for the spinterest obsession also i feel miserable but less insane than last week so ok
going insane again
i am ovethinking this again I've been overthinking this so many times. i need to stop it's making me go crazy. i just want to sleep. whyyyyyy am I doing this. it's alright it's okay breathebreathebreathebreathebreathebreathebreathe.
someone get me out of my brain. i am so scared of ending up in a psychward again. last time was horrible and i'm scared. i hate people. they want to put me into psychwards.
I don't know how I ended up in this headspace again.
I spent the whole day on my phone but I deep dived into my special interest so well I feel so dissociatey but that makes sense. So I didn't get anything done but I now know I have a special interest in human behaviour and that explains so much. But it made me forget I am a living human being who is supposed to get stuff done. Andddd now I am stressed and anxious because I don't have structure, I am supposed to function and I have to navigate these social situations tomorrow I have no idea how to deal with.
I lost my mind again. In too many things.
Can't trust psychiatrists, doctors or any medical professionals. Can't trust my guardians. Can't trust my fam. Can't trust my friends. Can't trust the people close to me. Can't trust the people I talk to. Can't trust socials. Can't trust my own mind or perception. Can't trust anyone or anything. Nowhere is safe.
I'm so stupid. "If I master social interaction my life will be amazing I'll be happy" Surprise, you never will. You don't even want to ha. Try to figure that one out. I hate people.
Scared of psychward. just scared. I don't trust them. I don't trust anyone. Doctors are the worst from all. I need to stop talking. To anyone. My friends are some *** vampires longing for my blood and energy. A lot of people are. I thought everything is going to be okk when I tell people stuff makes me uncomfy. But platonormativity reigns their minds. They're hopeless. "We care about you." "I'm so glad we've met" "hey bestieee". No, shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. I wish I was allowed to stab them. Fantasizing about some aesthetic daggers in the back's of the people I talk to.
my brain doesn't work. made impulsive decision 2 meet up w my "friends". trying to comprehend that i feel awful becuz i met up 4 hours w my "friends" and that destroys me completely cuz like I'm aware but people around me keep telling me or experiencing other things than me so it's like kinda shocking my memory is quite reliable actually sometimes can be and idk how to tell my therapist anything that's on my mind like i literally cannot tell her if I do not script it out. i totally don't get that btw but somewhere in between audhd trauma constant dissociation chronic pain burnout anxiety depression hating people not trusting doctors i guess it makes sense or sumthing
hewo dear apple orchard, i haven't been here for some days~ I hope some peace and quiet helped you blossom? mhm it's prolly not yet the time for you to carry blossoms and fruits. it's june which makes me painfully aware of how much time I loose thanks to dissociating through life. even on good days it's so difficult ugh. today started off good ! i even stimmed and remembered to breathe and take a break... but one small thing can flip my mood in under a second. My piano teacher is going to ask me how my music performance went and how do I explain I didn't play even one correct chord? She'll understand I'm sure but I hate being vulnerable and I hate to admit I have zero control over my mood. I'm dreading that conversation already.. i am aware what's happening with me and my mindset right now. it's changing and that's scary. it's good change but it's hard to see it as good change when to most people I'm just becoming less useful or worse
@froggeychair
hey. Long time no see.
Hey there Keith <3
i just came back here after months...I'm so sorry for the late response. I do remember you from the rainbow room and it gave me a little spark of light in my day seeing u tagged me :] i wonder if u r gonna read this anytime soon becuz of my late response but if you read this lemme know how you're doing. I might stay on cups for a while again actually X3