A place for my thoughts (and yours) as I cycle through life

Monday 29 July 2024

Sitting on my balcony having a coffee looking at the ocean is a nice way to start the day.  Not much planned today but hanging out on the beach and pool.  Sleep was interesting.  Tossing and turning was the norm last night.  The bed wasn't at all comfortable in my opinion, (I say this about every hotel we stay in because nothing compares to my split king adjustable) and the little sheet and bed spread didn't keep me warm at all.  B and I are total opposites.  She has to have the room arctic to sleep, which she did last night, (I think the air was set at like 50 lol) while I"m not a fan of the cold.  At home she keeps the bed room A/C on Ice but have extra blankets on my side of the bed. I didn't have that option here at the hotel.  I will ask for extra blankets today.

Tuesday July 30 2024

It is Tuesday?  I've kinda lost track of all the days of the week.  All time in general.  I am really enjoying my trip and experience with really "doing nothing".  I am learning some things about my kids during this trip though.  I realize we have not lived near each other in many, many years.  Although I see them in person at least twice a year and regularly talk, text, video etc, any influence of my thoughts and ways of doing things is completely gone.  Its nice to see your kids grow up to be their own people, but when they are more like their mother, whom you divorced in 2001 for a reason, it kinda hits a nerve.  But their mother is a major part of their life, more than I am, so I shouldn't be surprised.  Yesterday, my son brought the baby (1yr old) down to our room to have breakfast with us while everyone else was asleep.  I almost lost it when he gave the baby some of his starbucks.  When I said that he shouldn't be giving the boy coffee, my son said "he loves coffee".....The trip is turning out to be what my girlfriend calls "a lesson in learning to let go, you can't control how they raise their kids".......and she is correct...when I"m not around them, and I don't know what is going on, I don't think about it....but when I see things in front of me that I feel should be done different, I mention it, then get myself worked up and angry when my kids give me excuses and reasons as to why they do what they do....so.....as hard as it is, I'm letting go.......it is what it is I guess......

Anyway, I am rambling on about little thing that shouldn't even bother me.  But they do so getting them on paper does help.....till next time.....

@CyclingThroughLife I've never been a parent.* But yes...in other contexts as well, letting go can be an act of will. It comes down to facing your own limitations. You cannot control everything you care about in this life. It has always been so.

*of children, that is. Have been forced by circumstances into a parental role & discovered I wasn't cut out for it...that's a story for another thread.

Wednesday July 31 2024

I know I'm not supposed to be thinking about work while on this vacation, and for the most part I haven't....my boss and co-workers have been texting me and talking to me randomly about some of the photos I've shared on the other social media site but they haven't brought up work once.  I did, however, have a thought last night that flashed through my head as I climbed into bed at 10:30pm.....that thought was, I'm going to be miserable if I don't start trying to get back into my normal routine.  I've been sleeping until 5:30am or later each morning and going to bed between 10 and 11pm.....my normal routine is awake at 3am for work and asleep by 7:30pm....on my days off, sleeping in is usually 4:30 or 5am.....the last few days I've fallen into this late night, late wake up thing and now my brain is playing with me, telling me how miserable I will be when I go back to work next week.....these are the types of thoughts that creep in and cause me grief.....I can forget about them for a while, but in the end they are real and always in the back of my brain, buried somewhere.....

@CyclingThroughLife

Just know they will take thier course without even thinking about it. You will just have to do whatever tough schedule lies ahead..... wait until then to deal with it. 

I think most of us dread getting back to reality so if you can, absorb it as a normal thought process but a passing thought. it's there,  but don't hang onto it.....  it sucks and will be reality soon enough.

I really am happy for you then it seems you had some good vacation time. That's kind of impressive with all the stuff that you have on your mind, so good job there, not wallowing in work woes for the short little time you get to get away from. Nice. You deserved that a lot!

Thursday 1 August 2024

Last full day here at Myrtle Beach.  My "do nothing" is coming to an end.  I can't say that I'm upset though.....I like to get away, but I think I'd rather "do nothing" or "do what I want" at home.  But wouldn't we all?  I'm dreading the drive home but I will make the best of it.  I am ready for my own bed, my reclining chair for my "relaxation coffee", and my normal routines.  I did leave myself 2 days to "recover" from this trip before I go back to work.  I'll be home Saturday evening and don't go back to work on Tuesday.  But during that time, laundry needs to get washed, my hills need to get mowed, grocery shopped for, and all the usual adult living things.  It is what it is.....during that time, I will write out my workout and food plan for the week like usual, except for this week because we were away.  B and I need to attempt to get more on the same page when it comes to healthy diet.  She eats pretty good and I am a garbage disposal.....she is always telling me about my eating habits and I think one of my goals moving forward is to follow her advice and try to eat more healthy.  I don't eat terrible....not a lot of fast food, or junk food, just a lot of carbs, red meat and processed foods, while she is more of a salad and veggie girl.  Anyway.....I'm ready to enjoy my last day here, hit the road in the am and be home the day after that.  With that said, these longer posts here will probably come to an abrupt stop since during my work week I don't really have time to sit and write.  Back to a few lines here and there from the phone to the app rather than a keyboard and laptop website....again....it is what it is.....

Friday August 2 2024

Headed home from vacation today. While I am stresses about the 14 plus hour drive, depending on traffic, I am a little relieved that we broke it down I to 7 hour days. Of course driving down our first leg went 9 hours and change due to traffic so here is hoping we have a better ride home. I am actually torn about leaving here. While going home is always nice, I really enjoyed this vacation and beach more than I have any in a long time. That is saying a lot because B amd do weekend get aways and over nighters at different places regularly. While I enjoy them, it's not like this one was....I actually felt relaxed, really and truly relaxed for just a few days....something I haven't felt in years.... its a feeling I willl be chasing, trying to recreate in my everyday home life. Probably will never get there but whatever.

Time to finish my coffee, have a muffin, and hit the road.

@CyclingThroughLife

That does bring on a smile. Thanks for sharing. I think you were long overdue and it's really wonderful you got a chance to feel that again. 😃

Saturday 3 August 2024

Second and final day of my 7 to 8 hr drive back to New England.  I will be home by dinner tonight.  It has been a nice vacation but its time to get back to my real life.  I can only hope that the stress and anxiety of my usual day to day takes its time coming back.  I have seen and learned things on this vacation, things that I need to start to incorporate into my regular daily life....how to do this I"m not sure.  I will talk more about those things another day when I have time....now...I need to finish this coffee and hit the road.....

@CyclingThroughLife

Safe, Relaxed travels my friend. (You can do it) 😃

 

Sunday 4 August 2024

Getting myself back into a routine.....hitting the garage for a weight lifting session....I may or may not add to this later....depends on if I have time to sit in front of the computer.....

Monday 5 August 2024

I really don't like the fact that I do not have time to sit in front of my laptop each day and put something here, or participate in other threads or forums as much as I want to.  I just get so frustrated, first, trying to navigate forums on the android app on my phone.  Nothing is easy to find and I have to scroll forever just to get to "newer" posts on each thread.  The alerts just bring me to the original post on that thread and I have to search for the newer replys...its quite annoying.....and second, typing anything on my phone with my fat fingers is just torture....I would love to have time to just sit in front of the laptop for an hour each day and just participate.....I guess it is what it is.....

Today I woke with a headache.  I'm sure its weather related....I hope the Motrin kicks in because I planned a much needed 30 mile bike ride....I'm doing the bike ride even if I still have the headache....I'll just go as far as I can.....

Back to work tomorrow.....I'm trying to be cool about it but I can feel my stress and anxiety level going up as the day go on......

Wednesday 7 Aug 2024 0330hrs

Here I am back putting down a few lines in the am wile I wait for the coffee to brew. Yesterday back to work...vacation didn't make things any in my head when it came to the job...in fact I think it made things worse....I need a change is all I know... I just don't know the path to take to get there

I know what I have to do as far as my job is concerned. There are a few paths I can take (as I write this I am singing in my head "Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run.....
There's still time to change the road you're on")....you just sang it too hehehehe.....  Each path has its good and its bad.....But the unknown is keeping me from taking that step out into the darkness.....Below is something I keep on my phone to remind me that I used to not be afraid to step into that darkness.....I did that....regularly...and for a long time after I left the Military....I wasn't afraid of that darkness.....it wasn't until here in the last year or so that I'm afraid of that darkness now....I don't know what changed in me....but something did....something that is now keeping me from taking that step....

Thursday 8 Aug 2024. 0335 hrs

Ugggg. That's all I got this morning.... hurry up coffee amd brew

@CyclingThroughLife

Out the door.... progress!

Friday 9 August 2024 0330

A few things running through my head

Found put some things today at work from the union guys that would really benefit me if I stayed for 2 and half more years until I'm 55....I just need to find the correct coping mechanism to get through.....deep thoughts amd hard decisions.....truthfully...its the money...and a substantial amount if I can hold on.....why does it always have to be about money?

Monday 12 August 2024

These last two days off work have been good for me. I haven't really thought about the job and the stress it causes me....I've been busy..... I've accomplished a lot at home that I've been putting off and it really feels good to be productive and see a finished product.  My job has no "finished product"....for those who don't know, I'm a correctional officer....have been since 1997....when I say I think I've been doing this job for too long, I really think I have....my take....working around the types of people I work around, generally bad, narcissistic individuals, (I know its not right or nice to talk about them the way I do but I feel how I feel....I'm supposed to be able to talk about it on 7 cups so here I am...) has got me to a point in life where I'm just tired of dealing with those types if individuals on a daily basis.  I feel like I'm around negativity 8 hours a day, 5 days a week and it drags me down...and it tends to stay with me....after my shift.....I think its because as I age, I am seeing the world and the life around me differently.   I used to enjoy my job....like I said before, I don't know when, how, or what changed that....but something did.....I am less tolerable of the Bull$**t that goes on daily.....2 years 6 months to retirement, hoping I can make it to that date before I've had too much and leave for a lesser percentage that I should.....

Now that I've got myself thinking about work on my very productive day off, I'm going to hit the garage gym for a strength workout and get lost in some angry rock and roll while I pick things up and put them down for about an hour.....

Wednesday 14 August 2024

This week has been status quo for work.....I am working a different shift Friday to cover for people who are out, and its going to suck.....I'm not looking forward to it.....in the next 4 to 6 weeks, I will be working a bunch of my days off as a swap for middle of the week days off to cover a guy who will be out on PFML.....The bad part about it is the guys that I will be covering for aren't team players and do not ever cover for anyone else.....but I guess it is what it is......

Friday 16 August 2024

Saturday 17 August 2024

I just want to say that all the stress and commotion that was going on in my head about working second shift yesterday was for nothing.  I made it all up in my brain because the day went pretty well in my opinion.  I do that all the time.  Turn the unknown into the worst possible thing.  Something I need to learn not to do.....I'm not sure how to do that but I'll figure it out.  I took today off from work because I thought I'd have a terrible night last night working the other shift.  While I was wrong about that, I'm not regretting using the comp time to have today off....I slept in again, which felt good, but my body is sore and achy, like when you are coming down with something....I am going to skip my workout and just take another day to rest and listen to my body.....hoping I'm not getting sick....

Thursday 22 Aug 2024

I slept like ***, I'm tired, miserable and the stuff going on at work is starting to pile up again.. I can't seem to get a brain dump and let it be when I'm at home. Today is my last day for the week but somehow that isn't very comforting. Next week work is going to be hectic and I'm sure I'll be stressing that during my long weekend.

@CyclingThroughLife

Hey man, try to make it through. Maybe and hopefully some of the mumble jumble in the brain will work its way out. Either way, you'll be able to rest and recuperate some in the next day or so. 

I've noticed the past couple months that you've been talking about things, all the same problems are there but it seems to me you're managing them and handling them much better then before.

I know it's not 100% but it seems to me that you're getting stronger so hang in there today and remember it's just a little bit at a time. You got this.

Sunday 8/25/24 0741 hrs

Pertaining to work, I'm finally in a place where I can be off of work and not have the worry that I have had in the past.  I do think about it but I'm getting better at not worrying about the things there that "could" go wrong.  I think this is because things haven't been terribly bad at work in a little bit....This is a major step for me....I just hope I don't end up going backwards...My worry now is that something is going to happen at work, and I'll lose all the progress I've made not thinking about it at home....if that makes sense.....I feel like I'm having a hard time expressing my thoughts on this subject this morning so I will think of a way to write it out but for now I'll leave you with this.....

Thursday 29 August 2024

I'm living what I call a "status quo" life....an existing state and that is about it.....I am managing at work....doing what I have to do get by....my home life is good....I've been fairly consistent with my lifting and cycling workouts....I am thinking of adding some elliptical but to do that I need go get a gym membership and go back to PF.... not sure if I want to do that but I want to add another form of cardio and I like elliptical....anyway....I'm just floating along in life right now....getting by where I need to and avoiding people and situations that may bring stress and emotion because I get an over stimulation of both at work.......meaning mostly sitting home, working out, reading and watching tv lol....

Till next time.....

Thursday Sept 5 2024

I am feeling a certain way and I don't have a word for it.....this week has been tough for me with wanting to get in my workouts....I usually LOVE to workout....all this week, I've had to force myself to get it done...today, I'm skipping the workout....usually I'd be super hard on myself and it would bother me a lot for giving up and just not doing it, but my train of thought is if I give in and just don't do it for the one day, maybe it will satisfy this feeling I am having of not wanting to do it....then again maybe it won't....its an experiment and we will see how it goes.....what I really think is going on.....I may be falling into a funk....not wanting to do something you enjoy fits the bill.....but I don't have any of the other regular signs I get when start to go down that hole, yet....maybe this is a one off....I can only wait and see....

Other than that, I managing....or maybe I"m not but just telling myself I am....it HAS been a stressful work week....Sept is the month when we get the surprise inspection from the Department of Public Health...I say surprise because we always know its Sept and March when they come, we just never know what day they will walk in the door.....I'll be super glad when they come and its over....even if they do ding us on some minor things, I think as long as we don't have any major deficiencies, I'll be good with it...

I'll try to check back in tomorrow with the results of my not working out experiment.....

@CyclingThroughLife

i I usually find it beneficial to shake up the basket from time to time but not to lose track or beat yourself up. I think it feels good to take a break and shake it up if you can afford to do it mentally and otherwise.

Thursday Sept 12, 2024

Been a week since coming here.....like I said in my last post, I'm feeling a certain way, yet can't put my finger on what that exactly is.....its like I am lacking something in life but don't really know what it is....maybe I need to change something in life, my routine maybe, I know definitely my job should change, but it benefits me to hang in there for the time being.....until I figure it out, I'll keep searching.....

Had a particularly stressful day at work Tuesday.  The kind of day that stays with you, makes you think and rethink decisions, and how you handled things, hoping that it doesn't come back down the road to bite you in the @** and stays in the back of your mind because of it....In my career, there have been a lot of events and decisions like this that take up a lot of space in the back of my mind and live rent free, coming to the forefront wreaking havoc every so often......

Since I'm working on my days off, I was able to take today off so that I didn't end up working 9 days in a row.....I plan on doing a strength workout, some cleaning around the house, a trip to Walmart for some essentials and work on a landscaping project I've been tinkering at, a little a time....I'm not in a hurry to get it done so I'm not putting extra pressure on myself....when it gets done, it gets done....

Thursday 12 Sept 2024 part 2

I came here to read up on threads while sitting in the sun on my porch and enjoying the afternoon while the weather is still nice in New England.  Funny thing is, there really are no new threads to read in my communities....its seems I'm all caught up....Pertaining to this mornings post....I feel like I'm definitely missing something or needing something in my life right now....a change somewhere?  Maybe....maybe something else?.... Who knows....I know I feel "stuck", "lost" and a little depressed.....its kind of a looming feeling that something isn't right....that I need to fix or change something.....and for the last week or so, I've been searching and just can't seem to put my finger on it....nothing has really changed in my life worth causing this shake up.....so I'm not sure where the feelings are coming from....I guess I'll continue to hold out until it goes away or I get/find my answer.....

@CyclingThroughLife As a correctional officer, no doubt you have enough anecdotes & stories to fill a book. I've run into two: one by an officer (it's a bit dated but still useful), & another by a convict (drug-related offense). Have you thought about writing down the best stories, or at least the most impactful ones? Self-publishing is a thing; a lot of people put out their own books in Kindle format now. If you do it right, you could sell quite a few copies. Who doesn't need extra cash these days?

@slowdecline48

I have thought about this....maybe something to do in the future after retirement.....I don't have time to actually sit and journal at this point in my life, never mind try to write....Although I do have many many stories....thanks for the thought and idea....

Anytime, man. It's just something to keep on the back burner... After the big day of relief & the checks start depositing into your account, then you can start putting it all on paper (onscreen, these days) & say what you really think. 😏 But seriously, there is no perspective of a system--any kind--quite like the insider view.

I mentioned earlier about this feeling I was having and not quite being able to put a finger on what exactly it was....after much self contemplation, I came up with this...this may be one of many things, I'm just not sure....

I keep my feelings to myself because I learned a long time ago that no one really cares how I feel about anything and voicing an opinion or even the truth just causes arguments or hurts someone else and I'm at a place in my life where I just don't want the drama of that kind of s***....so I just keep it ALL to myself and let others be what they may be, to include my family....this in itself may be part of the issue...

Here lately, I've had this urge to just sell the house, quit the job, and just go....and I don't know why I feel this way.......go where, I don't know...For some reason, I am feeling that I just don't want to be where I am right now in my life....which is bad because I'm just about 2 years from a retirement package and my final child graduating high school, which will allow me the freedom to do what I want and go where and when I want.....I'd take my girlfriend with me where ever I may roam, but I'm not sure if she is ready for that....I settled down early, at 22 while in the military...I always thought I was supposed to live the picture perfect, house, family, job and kids life....I've succeeded to a point....now.......2 marriages(one failed and once widowed), 3 kids and 2 step kids later, and years in a very unfulfilling career, I think I'm ready to just do me......Yet, I need to find a way to lose this feeling because I really am a responsible adult with a mortgage, car payment, decent job and family that needs me, but I really just want to travel and be carefree right now in my life.....and that makes me feel bad, which doesn't help my thoughts.....

Anyway....I am hoping that typing it out, putting it out in the universe...seeing it in context.....will help me get over this wanderlust feeling......

@CyclingThroughLife

YEP.... get it out there. 😕🙃. Sounds nice but you did a good job hitting all the logic points.

@CyclingThroughLife It sounds more like you do know why you feel that way...quite understandable, too. How many people find "fulfillment" as a prison guard? Seriously. From what I've heard & read so far, it is not a desirable job. The only instances of satisfaction I've heard of were when the individual in question was a sadistic bast∆rd & liked to put the inmates through as much s*** as he could inflict on them. You made the big decisions in your life based on social conventions instead of on what direction you wanted to go. When the former & latter differ, that's a recipe for discontentment at best & bitterness at worst. The fact that you stuck with the job & supported your all kids through it is a testament to your endurance & ethics.

@slowdecline48

"How many people find "fulfillment" as a prison guard? Seriously. From what I've heard & read so far, it is not a desirable job. The only instances of satisfaction I've heard of were when the individual in question was a sadistic bast∆rd & liked to put the inmates through as much s*** as he could inflict on them. You made the big decisions in your life based on social conventions instead of on what direction you wanted to go. When the former & latter differ, that's a recipe for discontentment at best & bitterness at worst. The fact that you stuck with the job & supported your all kids through it is a testament to your endurance & ethics."

Thank you for the kind words about the testament to my endurance and ethics.  And you are correct, it is not a desirable job.  Most young kids right out of college, or even before graduating college, come to the profession as a stepping stone to other law enforcement agencies and leave before their career even starts because they realize it isn't for them.  The turn over rate is astronomical....and those of us who stay..... by the time we realize we hate it, we have been in too long to "start over" somewhere else....the pay, benefits, retirement....they are all great....if you can learn to separate and deal with the crap on a daily basis the end product (retiring) is well worth it.....but getting to the finish line turns you into a numb, sarcastic, dark sense of humor, no faith in humanity, hateful loner....at least it did for me....I really really dislike public events and people in general, and I blame it on my job....they say you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, yet I live by the saying "if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it must be a duck"....so that is how I judge all people.....yet while I know it isn't true...and I shouldn't do that....I still do and don't really know how not to....

As for fulfillment...there really isn't any.....everyone going home at the end of this shift with no employees or inmates hurt or dead is a win....I know it sounds terrible but really, that is the premise of the job.....we do have programs and treatment for these guys, and seeing them get out and not return is sort of a win, but you can't really say that is fulfilling because we don't get to "know" them in that sense during their stay, and there is always someone else to replace them.....they all aren't bad, narcissistic individuals.and there are some decent inmates who really have just made one bad life decision that put them where they are..... they accept that and do their time accordingly and go back to life.....and some really want to change, get off the drugs and alcohol....take advantage of the programming we offer and do change their lives...but those are few and far in between........but most I've dealt with over the years have the stereotypical "inmate" mentality and either can't or don't want to change .....its the nature of the beast.  Sorry if this all sounds bad, its just my take on it all....I've been doing it in two states, at two different facilities since 1997....I'm by no means an expert in criminology, deviance or inmate thinking, but I feel I've put in enough time to speak my opinion on it....

Given your experience, you probably know more than quite a few supposedly expert criminologists who have never talked to a real convict, let alone spent any time inside the walls as an observer. As someone with a useless BA degree, some rather varied life experience & somewhat scholarly habits, I can attest that "book learning" is only good up to a point. There is no substitute for time spent in the real world. At best, academic knowledge can supplement & refine what one learns from life; at worst, academic dogma can seal off a mind from any contradictory facts or input. (That is a key factor in much of today's discontents coming from left-of-center)

Thursday 19 Sept 2024

I'm off work today and tomorrow due to working Sunday and Monday on my days off.  I took Saturday off so I have a nice long weekend away from work, which I'm hoping will help me relax mentally and physically.  I think we are going to go to another fair on Saturday.  I could do without the crowd and people right now, but I just can't seclude myself at home all the time.....my girlfriend supports me when I get overwhelmed with people due to what I deal with at work, but relationships are give and take and I sometimes need to step up and just do public things I really don't want to for her.....Most of the time, the public things don't end up all that bad, its my mind that makes them that way before I even go and do them....One thing I have realized is that I need to learn to be a public people person again....I know the job has done something to me....made me where I just don't like people....I'm hoping once I can retire, that will change.....

I've still haven't found what I'm searching for(sang in my best Bono voice) pertaining to my previous posts....the wanderlust is still there, but it has died down some....not sure if that is because I've just been so busy to not think about it or I'm starting to suppress it for now until the next time it shows up.....

Other than those things above....I'm still live the status quo life....

Till next time.....

@CyclingThroughLife

You are doing really well Cycling. Your posts are leaning away from a harsher frame of mind to a more softer frame of mind. I think that's pretty powerful and especially with the fact that nothing really changed (everything is just as hard at work)  except for your desire to figure it out. I can feel it in your posts and I just wanna let you know it feels good seeing you getting a mental break sometimes. 

With five days off, it would be nice to take a break from the work work work, even at home.. Enjoy the fair 😀.

Keep it up man, you're doing great!  hehe.

We decided this morning we will take a 3 hour drive and stay the weekend near the ocean to just get away. Its totally unplanned and we are making it up as we go....it is off season for this beach but it is also up north from us so maybe we can catch some foliage along the way....