A Violet Carson. 🌹

@VioletCarson it sucks but just remember, you

@VioletCarson Hey - I hope I'm not intruding. I just wanted to say it's great that you created this place for yourself. Since it is your space you're allowed to put in it what ever is on your mind. You have a trigger warning so it's all good. It's always good to have some place where you can let things out.

@mytwistedsoul You're not intruding. Thanks for making me feel as if I'm not being offensive and a burden. I cried a bunch and feel a little lighter. Talked to a listener and yknow.. They can't help but I appreciate the effort. No one can help if they don't know what's really going on and I'm just too tired to open up.

Being brief could get myself in trouble, let alone being detailed about my situation.

Thanks again. <3

@VioletCarson You're welcome

You aren't a burden and sometimes we need to be alittle offensive. You can be as detailed or as brief as you need to here. I don't know what's going on in your life but I understand how hard it is to find people who support you. It can be hard taking things to friends or family because we often keep from saying things we want to or need to for fear of upsetting or hurting them. This is an anonymous place - with no judgement.

Be gentle with yourself - you're not alone

Looking at myself in the mirror.. Smiling hard, wrinkle my eyes, as if I'm enjoying the smile, then frown..

That's an opposite of what progressive muscle relaxation should look like. I look hideous as ever, ugly face, brittle hair, dry skin, dark lips, unhealthy complexion, skinny body.

Some days I look fat.

Tonight I look like an addict.

I'm addicted to negative thoughts. I can't get them out of my mind.

I almost puke my dinner out. Eating disorder should be kept at bay rn. I don't want that shit to come back to me.

I wonder if one day what I think about when I was manic will come true. I hope it will. It was all flowers and sunshine. I wish I'm manic again, but real mania will fuck me up even more.

There will always be horribly low depression episodes after one of those.

I should show this to my therapist.

I've been suicidal for I don't know how long anymore.

I keep my mood tracker, I just don't want to recheck it. It reminds me of my never ending cycle of unnecessary emotions.

I'm hungry.

But I don't want to eat.

I ate enough.

This body doesn't need more crap.

I want to sleep.. And not be awake for as long as I could.

I wish my friend can help me.

But I don't want to bother him.

I should stop imagining abuse.

I don't like it.

These people who I imagine abusing me are good people, it's just a way for me to prepare myself in case they will hurt me in the future.

Why am I so fucked up?

Past traumas seems like an excuse.

I should be better by now.

I felt so much better just now but whenever I'm alone..

These voices in my head..

They're the only source of my chest pain.

I want to cry..

I'm so mean at myself.

@VioletCarson we

@Karmakaze35

@VioletCarson

She's so right - pardon my intrusion but im qietly learning from this 🍎

@TartRipeApples I

@Karmakaze35

🍎My bad - ooopsie 😋

@Karmakaze35 Thank you <3 Legit tearing up reading this. I went out with a good friend and just got home as I wrote this. I'm tired but I'm glad that I have an outlet, only for this time. I know when I am away from them I can never open up again, since I never want to be a burden.

To be honest, I'm glad I have learned to seek help, and not feel ashamed of getting one. Talked to her about my psychiatric visit and she accepted it, even she doesn't understand, but she at least trying to hear me out instead of asking me to fix myself.

I won't talk to her as much anymore after this, but perhaps I should, when I really need it.

@VioletCarson sounds like youve got a decent support system. I feel the same way with mine, and Im afraid of overwhelming them and stuff. But youre going the right path. Im proud of you

I want to talk to someone but I'm already sleepy and tired.

I know this is just me trying to escape what I should be thinking about.

Life. Work. And 'what's next'.

I'm overwhelmed..

I know what I want, but I feel so alone..

I want someone to be there with me..

And that is too much to ask.

I saw him today.

He needs time, I know, so I won't bother him.

I'll sleep.

I want to talk to someone..

I feel so alone..

@VioletCarson you

@VioletCarson I agree with @Karmakaze35. There are always listeners here to talk to. I know that finding a good one can sometimes be difficult, and it is not the same as being close to someone in real life.

If you would ever like to chat to me, though, feel free to message me.

Charlie

@RarelyCharlie Thank you Charlie, I'll definitely PM you when I couldn't handle my episodes. <3

Slightly manic.. Great.

Need a messy kisser next to me and I'm ready to take this episode to the next level.

Lmao.

What the fuck. XD

I'm a total wreck.

I'm miserable but should I care?

Not now.

Oh my lord I can't speak today.. I don't know why..

I need help with something but I couldn't ask for it.

Sighs..

Today's therapy was the worst.. We talked about how my ex took advantage of me, sexually, even though he knew about my past..

I felt violated and ashamed of what happened.. And I allowed it to happen to me.. Again..

I wanna cry..

I left therapy with heavy feelings I can't explain and tell my therapist about..

I wanted to tell him what I felt that moment, but I couldn't.. No eye contact, I was rubbing my hands continuously to calm myself down and to avoid myself from having a mental breakdown.

I wish I can say what I write here..

I wish my lips aren't sealed tight..

I know no one can read my body language..

I'm crying for help,

But without a sound.

@VioletCarson

I'm wondering if it might be possible to write these feelings down and then share your writing with your therapist?

@frigidstars27 I've been thinking the same thing too, but I'll take some time to actually share with him the link to this forum. It will be so awkward if he knows but at the same time I like his ways of helping me, even though sometimes he seemed a little clueless of what to do, but I can see that he is trying.

@VioletCarson To be crying for help without a sound is not the kind of situation that suggests to me you are experiencing effective therapy, sadly. Having no eye contact, rubbing your hands like that, and being unable to express what you were really feeling would have been very obvious to your therapist, and it is amazing if your therapist did not respond to your evident distress with warmth and understanding. Therapy should not simply be a process of tormenting you with your own bad memories.

If that happened to me I would be worried about whether my therapist is perhaps feeling triggered and unable to relate genuinely. In therapy jargon, a relationship with a therapist should feel like an "alliance". You don't really seem to have an alliance when you have these heavy feelings you can't explain.

Charlie

@RarelyCharlie I think he didn't know what to say, I saw that he was trying to let me went out of the door with at least something.. So he asked me what kind of contingency plan we can do if I suddenly imagining myself being abused again or something like that..

While he was explaining about mindfulness, I was wishing that he knew I don't care about the plans, I just wanted him to know that I was in distress and I wanted to stop for a second, and cry.

He told me that he felt like he couldn't let me out of the door without anything.. But I guess he didn't know what to do either. Maybe you're right. He was triggered, and he couldn't think of anything rational to do in that state.

He said he's tired and he has his own issues to deal with.

And that he couldn't support me.

I'm fine with that..

I don't know how to support him back.

So I let him focus on his issues first.

I think I've burdened him too much.

Violet you should stop thinking about yourself only.

You're draining people.

I slept early tonight.. It feels kinda nice..

Upon waking up my mind trying to recreate a physical abuse scenes again, involving him, but I tried to do mindfulness immediately like my therapist told me to.

It works this time, maybe because I did it early on.

I miss him. So much. I can't tell him that, or he will think I'm being clingy..

He said sorry before.. For disappearing and reappearing a bunch of times.. He said he wanted me to be a part of his life but he was overwhelmed with his study. I get it.

I just miss him and I don't know what to do..

Today is the worst. Why?

Because I can't even get up from bed.. I feel so tired, exhausted, my body is in pain, I'm hungry but I don't have the appetite to eat..

I should be going to therapy in an hour but I'm still in bed..

I slept for hours..

Why..

I wish I'm okay for once..

I called in sick today, and I have to reschedule my therapy..

I slept probably for 14 hours at least and I'm still weak as fuck.

What is wrong with me :')

Finally at 2PM I managed to kick myself from bed and shower, while sitting on the bathroom floor. I forced myself to get up.. I'm severely exhausted without a reason.

I blame it on the new meds.

Oh lord help me function.. Please..

For fucks sake!

I called in sick for the day and they already gave me more work to do.

I gotta take those students to lab demonstration tomorrow. What the hell.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Give me a break!

I called in sick again today.

I feel so alone..

I wish I can tell someone that I'm in a bad condition.. I don't go to work because of my depression.. Because of this medication side effect made me feel tired 24/7.. Because..

I don't feel good..

And I want to cry but I couldn't..

I want to be okay again.

I want to do things and feel important..

I have what I wanted..

It's my mental health that's stopping me..

I wish I wasn't so weak..

A copy paste about how I open up in support group..

I think i have so much hate for myself i forgot to love life

Idk how to enjoy little things i have anymore

Ellie hugs

Is this ur shift?

Bcs ur about to listen to me cry

Ellie.. I swear i will go to work tomorrow. I will try to be stronger than this

I just feel so alone..

Thats why im here..

Yeah 3 more. I hope they dont ask me to continue that meds still

Im like this to a point that i think if i wasnt doing this for myself I must have someone im doing this for, but really.. Nobody is worth it in my life bcs nobody cares, that includes myself and i hate it

Hah there i let ot out

Hugs

Its a bad year :(

I hope December will change my mind

Change my mind that this is a *** year

I never felt this horrible, the last time was when i was 15, but then i thought i was cured from this madness

Fast forward 11 years later.. Here i am again

This is what happened if u never address ur issues, especially if it happened in childhood

It haunts ur adult life and ull have trouble coping

*** u violet u piece of ***

Im ok

Im just hating myself

Bcs i have it all panda.. And i have pushed through things.. Idk why im so weak at managing my issues

Im not saying i have everything.. But im content with what i have.. Its just i dont think i should be suffering like this is a big deal.. It does affecting my life tho..

Im mean to myself

Yea panda thats my problem.. I only have 3 strangers to shoulder my problems, and theyre my therapy team. So lonely.. Not even my irl friends know about what happened

Hugs tiger

Panda.. They would say nobody have that much *** in their life.. And i dont think they will believe me

Ive been keeping it to myself for 19 years.. The first irl person i talked about it was an er doctor, this year, and he introduced me to my therapy team

A lot, but opening up opens an old wound and im recovering from that

Like i said I'm content with what i have, not everyone can have them, im trying :'(

This meds make me more depressed wtf lol

Ill be ok

I just need to be patient

I swear its those lexapro panda. I swear to god..

They need to know what happened this week I feel like im a disabled woman

Feel like ima hit my head on the wall

But hey im able to stand, eat and much better than yesterday

I will go to work tomorrow i promise

I feel like a useless person in the society

Yeah i wont.. Its been hard this year.. Ive been suicidal for more tha 6 times. I dont want to go there anymore, thats why im tryingmy best to get help

Its only been 2 months lol.. Im good..

Its tiring

Thing is.. This tiredness prevents me from getting hypomanic lol

Yeah.. I always tell myself the other human in front of me is dealing with their own issues as well

If i can get them talking about it that will help a lot

Especially if its a strong relationship

Seems like we all want to have somebody we do things for

Take urself out of ur body and say nice things to urself, in front of u

Life is already hard at least try to make it easier on urself

We all hate some parts of ourselves but we dont have anyone else

I do things for other ppl too but now im completely alone when they all left me in a rut

Doing things for one self is hard bcs we always see the worth of others

When im dealing with the biggest issue in my life, all of them gone, as if theyre dealing with their own biggest issues too

Maybe they r

Whats important is myself and i gotta respect myself enough to not hate myself that much

Just let me cry ellie ive been trying since yesterday lol

I wish i can be bestfriends with myself

Ive been so mean to my body and mind

Yay i cried xD

I have an ugly pimple under my nose with pus in it

U know what triggered all this this year?

My sexually predatory ex

He triggered everything

Lol if it wasn't bcs of him i wouldn't seek help this year

Trish sometimes.. U gotta have that one thing that have two aspects in it, for example when i was applying for phd, i did that with my ex, now im doing my phd. Whenever i realize im actually doing it, it made me wanna stop bcs i did that first with him but now hes gone. I guess whenever good things involved bad people, just throw their image out of the window and just seep in the good parts of it, if u wanna cry, just tell urself it isn't bcs of her, its a way for urself to heal and its a good outlet for u

Im dreading my course of life just bcs of that one man

Who triggered my past traumas

The disgusting part is, he knew about my past but yet he did the same things as the guys who did it to me

Yeah im done

Lifes suck and i wilk try to love myself. The end

Life is weird

Im glad im still alive

Tbh i wanna live till 100 with a person i love im that childish but i want that to happen to me

Despite *** ive been thru

Idk why im still hopeful