A Violet Carson. 🌹
Trigger warning. This is not a typical diary or whatsoever. This entries are depressing and messed up. I just need a place to release all my thoughts when I'm struggling with bipolar nonsense, PTSD and god knows what else I have in my sick mind. Don't read if you're depressed. It's not worth it.
I feel the need to have an emotional dump, since my life is too fucked up. My head is. My body is. I know that maybe the forum will get deleted since I'm not very supportive in wordings. To be honest I'm right now struggling with images in my head. Sick images. Used body. Harsh words.
Is this a sign of flashbacks? Why do I have to deal with this? Why should I silently suffer from all this and put up a face as if my life is perfect?
I told a friend about these images. They tried to distract me, but I don't want to make them worry.
Told them I'm fine now and just left. Just like that.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I'm struggling to get better. I want this medication to work. I can't handle this myself anymore.
I wish someone in real life knows and could give me a hug.
Silently suffering is the worst.
@VioletCarson Hey - I hope I'm not intruding. I just wanted to say it's great that you created this place for yourself. Since it is your space you're allowed to put in it what ever is on your mind. You have a trigger warning so it's all good. It's always good to have some place where you can let things out.
@mytwistedsoul You're not intruding. Thanks for making me feel as if I'm not being offensive and a burden. I cried a bunch and feel a little lighter. Talked to a listener and yknow.. They can't help but I appreciate the effort. No one can help if they don't know what's really going on and I'm just too tired to open up.
Being brief could get myself in trouble, let alone being detailed about my situation.
Thanks again. <3
@VioletCarson You're welcome
You aren't a burden and sometimes we need to be alittle offensive. You can be as detailed or as brief as you need to here. I don't know what's going on in your life but I understand how hard it is to find people who support you. It can be hard taking things to friends or family because we often keep from saying things we want to or need to for fear of upsetting or hurting them. This is an anonymous place - with no judgement.
Be gentle with yourself - you're not alone
Looking at myself in the mirror.. Smiling hard, wrinkle my eyes, as if I'm enjoying the smile, then frown..
That's an opposite of what progressive muscle relaxation should look like. I look hideous as ever, ugly face, brittle hair, dry skin, dark lips, unhealthy complexion, skinny body.
Some days I look fat.
Tonight I look like an addict.
I'm addicted to negative thoughts. I can't get them out of my mind.
I almost puke my dinner out. Eating disorder should be kept at bay rn. I don't want that shit to come back to me.
I wonder if one day what I think about when I was manic will come true. I hope it will. It was all flowers and sunshine. I wish I'm manic again, but real mania will fuck me up even more.
There will always be horribly low depression episodes after one of those.
I should show this to my therapist.
I've been suicidal for I don't know how long anymore.
I keep my mood tracker, I just don't want to recheck it. It reminds me of my never ending cycle of unnecessary emotions.
I'm hungry.
But I don't want to eat.
I ate enough.
This body doesn't need more crap.
I want to sleep.. And not be awake for as long as I could.
I wish my friend can help me.
But I don't want to bother him.
I should stop imagining abuse.
I don't like it.
These people who I imagine abusing me are good people, it's just a way for me to prepare myself in case they will hurt me in the future.
Why am I so fucked up?
Past traumas seems like an excuse.
I should be better by now.
I felt so much better just now but whenever I'm alone..
These voices in my head..
They're the only source of my chest pain.
I want to cry..
I'm so mean at myself.
@VioletCarson we
@Karmakaze35
@VioletCarson
She's so right - pardon my intrusion but im qietly learning from this 🍎
@TartRipeApples I
@Karmakaze35
🍎My bad - ooopsie 😋
@Karmakaze35 Thank you <3 Legit tearing up reading this. I went out with a good friend and just got home as I wrote this. I'm tired but I'm glad that I have an outlet, only for this time. I know when I am away from them I can never open up again, since I never want to be a burden.
To be honest, I'm glad I have learned to seek help, and not feel ashamed of getting one. Talked to her about my psychiatric visit and she accepted it, even she doesn't understand, but she at least trying to hear me out instead of asking me to fix myself.
I won't talk to her as much anymore after this, but perhaps I should, when I really need it.
@VioletCarson sounds like youve got a decent support system. I feel the same way with mine, and Im afraid of overwhelming them and stuff. But youre going the right path. Im proud of you
I want to talk to someone but I'm already sleepy and tired.
I know this is just me trying to escape what I should be thinking about.
Life. Work. And 'what's next'.
I'm overwhelmed..
I know what I want, but I feel so alone..
I want someone to be there with me..
And that is too much to ask.
I saw him today.
He needs time, I know, so I won't bother him.
I'll sleep.
I want to talk to someone..
I feel so alone..
@VioletCarson you
@VioletCarson I agree with @Karmakaze35. There are always listeners here to talk to. I know that finding a good one can sometimes be difficult, and it is not the same as being close to someone in real life.
If you would ever like to chat to me, though, feel free to message me.
Charlie
Slightly manic.. Great.
Need a messy kisser next to me and I'm ready to take this episode to the next level.
Lmao.
What the fuck. XD
I'm a total wreck.
I'm miserable but should I care?
Not now.
Oh my lord I can't speak today.. I don't know why..
I need help with something but I couldn't ask for it.
Sighs..
Today's therapy was the worst.. We talked about how my ex took advantage of me, sexually, even though he knew about my past..
I felt violated and ashamed of what happened.. And I allowed it to happen to me.. Again..
I wanna cry..
I left therapy with heavy feelings I can't explain and tell my therapist about..
I wanted to tell him what I felt that moment, but I couldn't.. No eye contact, I was rubbing my hands continuously to calm myself down and to avoid myself from having a mental breakdown.
I wish I can say what I write here..
I wish my lips aren't sealed tight..
I know no one can read my body language..
I'm crying for help,
But without a sound.
@VioletCarson
I'm wondering if it might be possible to write these feelings down and then share your writing with your therapist?
@frigidstars27 I've been thinking the same thing too, but I'll take some time to actually share with him the link to this forum. It will be so awkward if he knows but at the same time I like his ways of helping me, even though sometimes he seemed a little clueless of what to do, but I can see that he is trying.
@VioletCarson To be crying for help without a sound is not the kind of situation that suggests to me you are experiencing effective therapy, sadly. Having no eye contact, rubbing your hands like that, and being unable to express what you were really feeling would have been very obvious to your therapist, and it is amazing if your therapist did not respond to your evident distress with warmth and understanding. Therapy should not simply be a process of tormenting you with your own bad memories.
If that happened to me I would be worried about whether my therapist is perhaps feeling triggered and unable to relate genuinely. In therapy jargon, a relationship with a therapist should feel like an "alliance". You don't really seem to have an alliance when you have these heavy feelings you can't explain.
Charlie
@RarelyCharlie I think he didn't know what to say, I saw that he was trying to let me went out of the door with at least something.. So he asked me what kind of contingency plan we can do if I suddenly imagining myself being abused again or something like that..
While he was explaining about mindfulness, I was wishing that he knew I don't care about the plans, I just wanted him to know that I was in distress and I wanted to stop for a second, and cry.
He told me that he felt like he couldn't let me out of the door without anything.. But I guess he didn't know what to do either. Maybe you're right. He was triggered, and he couldn't think of anything rational to do in that state.
He said he's tired and he has his own issues to deal with.
And that he couldn't support me.
I'm fine with that..
I don't know how to support him back.
So I let him focus on his issues first.
I think I've burdened him too much.
Violet you should stop thinking about yourself only.
You're draining people.
I slept early tonight.. It feels kinda nice..
Upon waking up my mind trying to recreate a physical abuse scenes again, involving him, but I tried to do mindfulness immediately like my therapist told me to.
It works this time, maybe because I did it early on.
I miss him. So much. I can't tell him that, or he will think I'm being clingy..
He said sorry before.. For disappearing and reappearing a bunch of times.. He said he wanted me to be a part of his life but he was overwhelmed with his study. I get it.
I just miss him and I don't know what to do..