A Space For The Unsaid (Personal Diary)

@Optimisticempath

Saw this and thought of you ❤️

@mytwistedsoul you - I have not enough words to tell how much your presence means to me Soul 🤧 thankyou for thinking of me and making me feel cared for always ❤ I really really appreciate you for everything 🤗 *hugs tightly and no go*

I love this, tis so cute 🥺

@Optimisticempath No words needed ❤️

*big BIG hugs and much love to you* ❤️

@mytwistedsoul

aww that's so kind and sweet Soul 🥺 thankyou for always seeing the good in me and for reminding me too 😔😭 me needed to hear 🥺❤ thankyou for your overflowing kindness, love, warmth and care ... since thankyous and words aren't enough .. I'll always keep trying my best to make you feel as cared for and loved too as you do for me and keep you in my good thoughts always, praying for your wellbeing and good health and happiness and that of your animals' too. 💕

I think I should say that hehehe, you are a blessing to me and for everyone really... if everyone had even 2% of your kindness... it would be a happier place trust meee❤

*big hugs and more love back*🌈 *keeps hugging*

@Optimisticempath No thank you's or words needed Opti. What I give - I give freely ❤️ I'm not keeping score or expecting anything in return ok? You do make me feel loved and cared for and I'm grateful - more then words can say ❤️ I'm more then happy to remind you of the wonderful beautiful person that you are. I wouldn't say it if it wasn't true 😊 you have my word on that *still hugging* 😊❤️

I think everything we do has such a connection to who we are ... or how we feel 😅 so often than we'd try or even admit ... idk just random thoughts rn ... time to blabber 🥲

I changed my pfp to this cheerful Santa clothed bear who has a lantern in their hand ... but when i look at it ... there's something missing ... a connect?

Been so used to to the hiding bear, sitting at the corner, facing the wall ... that this feels uhmmm uncomfy? Even though I requested and chose it myself ...and I wanted to keep it because I really appreciate the sweet listener here who is trying so much to spread positive vibes and is making these beautiful avatars for anyone requesting them ... it's so nice of them.. I thought it maybe would be rude 😅 so many others changed theirs also .. Idk .. i love it so much and I really appreciate their efforts 🥺 but its just... me not feeling very much me ... not that I usually do either or even that the hiding bear was me too ... but it was compartively comfy ... hiding ... being lowkey ... in a corner ..... alone! this is vv bright and maybe even 'exposed'?? 💀 I don't feel this way ... I wish I did ... but idk I don't really.

hope not thinking too much ... wouldn't be something new tho @_@

[Rant over] 🤭

thankyou really for whoever reads all this silly stuff I type here ....most of which even I don't understand lmao ... it's not even half of what goes in my mind tho lol ... I spare you from that at least 🙃 🥲

I don't want some of these thoughts to win :( imma try to do against.... and will keep the same for the month at least hopefully... i feel grateful for the listener who made it .. and it be only fair I guess 😅 plus yes it is such a beautiful creation and i shouldn't let thoughts win and make me go hide again 😔 me likes me Santa Bear self also 🎅

sorry this... everything just sounds so silly and trivial blurting out loud ... but urgh brain ... :')

I love your new pfp! It suits you!

I love reading your thoughts, so keep 'em coming. You're worth listening to.

@GoldenNest2727 aw thanks so much 💕 your support means a lot to me

I don't get many chances to show the same to you :( I care for you Golden and I hope you know you can share anything also

how is this month going for you? any plans for holidays etc?

can't blame them for making me feel this way when I dont do much about it huh? .... sometimes I feel so incapable of addressing how I feel...is it not weird trying to look at this called feelings wheels... or look up what a certain way to feel is called or that what kind of emotions can certain situations cause ..... to try to know if it's an accepted feeling? If it's ok? If it's normal? Or when would something need to be done to idk change it? I feel so stupid not knowing this....

idk if it's just slow learning or denial :( I feel like I'm being taken for granted by someone and it is a horrible feeling because it didnt come alone ... I feeel that and then I also question myself ... what even is there of value in me that someone can take lmao :') don't they have something more ... something else more worthy ... 😔

idk people should come with a manual... I don't understand some people at times... why they do certain things and then the kind of reaction they give ... how to know how to be with someone who keeps changing their behavior and actions? I don't think I can adapt so quickly like them ... they sad so dont want to talk .. they ok so want to talk ... but what about when I wanted to talk and you weren't there ... when I needed you ... and then me should be ok with you when you're ok? How? :( even so .... I'm the bad person here? the one showing "tantrums" ...ok 😔

people really hard ... they want you to express how you feel or say what you think honestly and then dont even understand when you do after trying so hard ... and then again they upset and again you the bad person ... 😖

Ngl sometimes I wanna ask them what they even want :( why no stick actions with words ... why no be kind 😖 .. how to not feel like a bad person when you're constantly reminded of that! First by some one else and then by your own freaking brain goes on loop! ;-;

@Optimisticempath Hey you :) ❤️ It can be incredibly hard to speak up about these things can't it? We often know we should and sometimes we even want to speak up - its so hard though. There could be a number of reasons why we don't. Maybe we know the consequences and repercussions that would come with it because of how it went in the past. Maybe we know that if we told them the truth we know it would hurt them. Especially if it's someone we care about. Or maybe we know that it would just make us feel even worse. It's hard to know how to go about these things because all the choices are lousy 😞

@mytwistedsoul *hugs tight* ❤

sometimes I feel like this is wrong... talking about things from only my side ... people should know more and from both sides to hear full story and get better picture... what if I just make myself sound like the better one here deserving support or anything nicer ? maybe I am at fault or deserve being treated the way I do .. idk even sharing here feels like I'm doing it wrong or that it is unfair to the other people I refer to and I don't really deserve the kind words ... maybe they do more than me?? Idk 😖 is this what gaslighting feels like ..... why is it so difficult to just.... just feel :/

I'm sorry... you all support me with such kind words and I don't think I should hear these ... I just am very sorry... :(

@Optimisticempath ❤️ I have these thoughts too. There are two sides to every story - you're absolutely right. The thing is - you're talking about your feelings here. This is your safe space to talk about how you feel - there is no wrong. You don't need anyone's permission to feel how you feel. You're allowed to feel Opti - how ever you feel. We don't need their side to support you. Does that make sense? I'm afraid this is coming out all wrong 😅 😬

this got very feeling-ee eww I hate it so I'll just throw some humor to try to cope with the cringe now 🤡

@Optimisticempath Hey you :) Hope you don't mind but I kind of go around dropping Christmas ratties here and there lol

Merry Christmas OptiBear ❤️

@mytwistedsoul

awww this is really sweet Soul 🥺❤🥰 thankyou for sharing such an adorable christmas greeting, love ratties 🤗

Merry Christmas to you also sweetest Soul ❤

*holds a candle light for you* may there never be darkness around you, may you always be filled with light and so much love 🕯 *huggles tight*

@Optimisticempath *hugs tight* ❤️ Thank you Opti 😊❤️

@mytwistedsoul *makes blanky fort for soul and meee and we hide there* *keeps hugging tight* ❤❤❤

@Optimisticempath A blanket fort! Yay! That's a wonderful idea Opti! ❤️ *brings snacks and stuffies* *hugs Opti tight* try to be gentle with yourself ok? Much love to you Opti ❤️

@mytwistedsoul snacks and stuffies also woohoo 🥰 *hugs tight*

thankyou Soul ❤ hope you trying to be gentle with yourself also

How's your health feeling now?

Merry Christmas again 🤗 did you celebrate? also did you get the tree you were eyeing? 😮 I hope you did

Sending so much love back to you dearest Soul ❤❤ wuv youu

@Optimisticempath Hey you ❤️ *hugs Opti tight* You've gotta have snacks and stuffies in a blanket fort. I think its in the rule book somewhere lol 😉

@mytwistedsoul

*hugs soul tight* yes it's in the rulebook 😆

me happy you trying your best to be gentle and the sickness poofed 🤗

aw that sounds beautiful Soul, me would love to see picture 🥰 it wasn't like any other day :o there was a tree, lights, giraffe with beard and santa hat, gifts and nice food ... it counts for a nice celebration, one you so deserve so much 💕 what gifts did you open for yourself?😁

thankyou for sending good things and love 🥺🥺❤ me not very ok ... just there .. don't worry tho 😅 *hugs*

@Optimisticempath ❤️ *hugs Opti tight* what can we do to help with the not very ok? Is there anything that helps? Brain isn't being very nice 😞 we need stronger magic. I wish - I wish you weren't dealing with the things you're dealing with. I wish I did have some magic to send to you ❤️❤️

idk maybe TW 😅 probably better to not read ...I'm sorry :( *hugs

i feel like I'm losing touch with myself :') someone very recently asked how I was doing and I said I'm ok and they said if my ok means "I'm used to it so dont feel any difference" and it was it ... I don't think I'm ever really ok whatever that means ... I feel it has been a while since I was ok ... or when I said I was and meant it too ... now I feel I'm always lying to myself and anyone who asks... but I don't wanna think too much ... I'd rather not go down that deep hole ... it just feels moving from one hole to another lately... some are deeper than others ... I feel lost, lonely and suffocated here...

being here is idk good? But i see some people struggling so much more and still being braver and better than me .... makes me feel horrible .. do i even deserve being better? I don't even try .... like others do ... if I didn't have to wake up ... no one woke me up ... I'd rather not wake up ever ... i see these postings about gratitude for life and such and It makes me feel so bad ... some really struggle to be alive and then there's me who has other thoughts..... why can't I feel grateful for life when i have it :( I feel so guilty for having thoughts of being physically unkind to myself .... I will not act on them <3 but they are just very persistent and hard to deal with :/ I feel if emotional and mental sh was a thing... I'd be one being a pro at it .. self sabotaging is a constant thing and I feel so much guilt about it yet I'm unable to do anything for it ... sometimes I pray I was teleported to a different world... and no one would know me ...

hugs..

@Optimisticempath *drops off hugs* ❤️

@mytwistedsoul *hugs soul* 🫂❤

@NoneTheWiser thankyou Jess 🫂🫂

💀 me will try to sleep now

night night everyone -huggles- 🤗

I feel so ... idk how I feel... conflicted? Upset? Confused? Lonely? Scared? Annoyed? Overwhelmed Idk there's so many emotions at once and I just can't keep a track anymore .... I don't like being an empath sometimes :/ it is hard to distinguish my own feelings from another's.... prioritizing my own emotions, needs, opinions etc never makes it to the list :( how do I even blame someone else for not considering me a human with feelings ... when I sometimes forget that myself :(

it is stupid to expect of poeple to not hurt me when i allow them to.... even repeatedly ... like there's NO effing sense of self here ... when i don't even do anything about it ...a lot of times they dont know they are bothering me in so many ways because I don't tell them ... and it is certainly my fault .. so I guess this pain is well deserved because what else to expect ...

some days it is extra hard ... everything is! and I hate being so vulnerable ;(

a lot of times just the idea of disappearing seems helpful ... not that it would matter anyway xD

invisible cloak as a gift for new year.. anyone? :o

new year hmmm it is a whole lot of different stress .... just the calender change? Not that much about life changes anyway .. time is ticking and I cant keep up anymore.. struggling to function any more... what even is functioning smh I dont even know :/

- rant over 😅

@NoneTheWiser 🥺🥺 awww so sweet Jess thankyou for being my friend and being vv kind and patient always 💕💕I appreciate you so much!

how have you been? I hope the new year treats you with more kindness 🤗

@Optimisticempath that sounds fun!

@alonefriend what does? 😅

hi... sorry me again :') I can't get through these couple of hours before I can fall asleep alone anymore ... they are so hard and overwhelming ... lots of meanie thoughts and I dont want ... :( ... sharing here feels really scary and uncomfy ... I don't like being so vulnerable and miserable .... 😔 ... but I cant risk someone finding my persona journal ... so I need a safer space for the thoughts :/ how weird does that sound smh

it's true whomever said that people closest to us hurt us the most ... this year has been so hard ... I really am just surviving and making through even when sometimes I don't want to (I'm safe💕) ... it is exhausting to keep trying sometimes :/ same effing sh!t everyday .... someone a really close friend ... closest even... shared this post on social media recently compiling pictures and videos from this year with the caption best year yet ... and I'm nowhere in that?? it is so easy to forget me ... there's feeling lonely and then there's feeling lonely when you are with someone ... the latter is always worse ... i feel so heartbroken rn idk what to even feel .... I'm happy they had the bestest year yet .. but I cant help wondering how come it is so different ... than mine... I just?? and how I wasn't even part of their bestest year when my stupid self here had like a couple of good moments this year and they were mostly with this person ... is it too trivial to cry over? idk but I just feel so hurt

also why can't people text first ... I don't like random calls ... they make me feel so anxious 😖 an old kinda friend? with whom i haven't really been in touch with over a year just randomly called and i think it was for catching up/ meeting sometime ..how do I explain people that it isn't easy for me to to cope with their randomness ... I cant do impromptu plans :( or talk on call when I've lost comfort .... I feel so anxious still because it definitely makes me a bad person for "ignoring" ... that's what they think anyway... I wish it was easy to pick calls ... meet people ... talk in person ... be a normal functioning human??? 😵

and now I'm going to feel cringe about this post also ....😀😶 so fun :') I'll poof before I think about backspace... thanks for tolerating my weirdness ...

Just be direct. Lots of people hate randomness, struggle with anxiousness, and dislike phone calls without warning. Just let your friend know what you need. People are more aware about mental health since the pandemic. They should understand.

@GoldenNest2727

I wish it was as simple or maybe I was as confident as you :( to say it as directly as that :') idk Golden ... I don't think they'll be understanding in a kind way ... they'll become more passive aggressive , from what I can remember in our past experiences... so I really dont know what to do here .. also not sure if telling someone I don't want to talk or meet is an ok thing? I don't want to sound rude or anything 🤕

Thanks for replying <3 how is new year's going for you?

@Optimisticempath

That's valid, Empath. You know your friend better than I do, and you're obviously a better judge of how they'll react. We'd all like to think that our friends and family will understand and respect our needs when we communicate them; but sadly, that doesn't always happen. Still, your wants and needs are valid and shouldn't go unfulfilled. You should be comfortable in your interactions and comfortable in your own skin. My hope for you is to find a way to assert your boundaries and communicate your wishes to others. It can be done diplomatically. You're such a special person, Empath. I hope you can find peace.