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Non Violent Communication (NVC) for IDG 4th dimension: social skills
IagoParis April 29th

Related to the sub-dimension of Social Skills: communication skills and following the ideas of the "I statements" in the IDG growth path, I have found the Non Violent Communication (NVC) framework, which I think is very promising.

NVC was developed by Marshall Rosenberg, an American psychologist, in the 1960s. It proposes 4 steps to express a petition:

  1. Talk objectively about what happened "When you went with our friends without telling me" instead of "When you betrayed me".
  2. Talk about what you felt: "I felt sad". There are some feeling words like betrayed, rejected or abandoned that NVC tags as false feelings. NVC says that because these words put the responsibility of the emotion outside oneself, and they should be avoided, "sad", "angry", "lonely" or "pained" are good substitutes.
  3. NVC states that behind an emotion, there is a need. Talk about that underlying need. "I feel like that because I need connection/company/transparency".
  4. Finally, make a petition. This should not be a threat nor a demand, but a request. The difference is that when you make a request, you accept the possibility of denial. "I ask you to tell me when you plan to hang out with our friends".

Let's join all parts of the example.

"Hello John. I want to tell you something. When you went with our friends without telling me, I feel sad and pained. I wish for connection with you all, and I want to ask you to tell me when you plan to hang out with our friends, would you do that for me?"

So this is an example of a NVC petition. Since I don't have a lot of experience with NVC, please, don't take it literally. It can probably be improved.

Did you know NVC? What do you think about it? I think it is very promising to focus conflict resolution to feelings and needs, do you agree?


12
Zeraphim May 1st

I didn't know about NVC, thank you for this.

Assuming your interlocutor cares about your feelings and needs in the first place, this could well be useful for effectively communicating them.

The problems comes, I think, when they show that they do not.

1 reply
IagoParis OP May 3rd

@Zeraphim Yeah, I see your point. NVC wouldn't be of any use. But with someone like that, is there any type of communication that serves your purpose? Do you even wish to talk to them?

At first, I thought there are going to be few cases of people who don't care about you, and you wish to communicate with them, but hey, probably a lot of bosses fall in this category XD

Are you thinking in someone in particular? What do you do in those cases?

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violetdreamer07 May 24th

@IagoParis I didn't know about NVC before this your post really helped. I think it might actually be really helpful in the long run because labelling how you felt rather than immediately placing blame on the other person through your words gives them a better chance to reflect on their actions.

1 reply
IagoParis OP May 24th

Totally agree!!

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Rach4 May 30th

@IagoParis 

Thank you for this post as I did not know about NVC before I read it! 😊

I think it can be extremely useful in any relationship as a method of conflict resolution, it helps us stay rational in an emotional moment so problems can be resolved in a calm and effective manner. 
CreativeKombucha July 22nd

@IagoParis

 1. I have never heard the term "Non-violent communication before."  Rather, where I come from, we refer to this type of communication as "Being assertive."

2.  What think is that the terms "Assertiveness" and "Non-violent communication" are not universal.  However, the concept is. 
Maslow July 27th

@IagoParis I think this is a great innitiative

@IagoParis

Bonjour, j'aimerais réussir à l'utiliser mais quand je suis dépasser par mes émotions je n'y arrive pas. Je ne sais pas discuter calmement.
Angelanj July 29th

@IagoParis I wasn't aware of NVC. Thank you for this post! It was very informative and insightful!

@IagoParis

NVC is new to me as well, it sounds like a good idea and yes it will help in conflict resolution but I think applying it in real life is still a difficult task.
Onyx000 August 17th

@IagoParis 🖤
Ashen4 September 8th

@IagoParis

I've generally seen a lot of these concepts in other notions about healthy communication, such as avoiding pointing fingers at other people through labeling our emotions and making requests to the other person instead of demands, but I haven't heard people really lay it out like this in a step-by-step way. 

I think it's a super helpful summary of different conflict-resolution strategies we should keep in mind while we try to build an understanding between two people, so I would agree that NVC is very promising!

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