How did you spend your day?

Yesterday- rode Gus to the field. Treated myself to ongoing acupunture for some physical problem- now working on energy and depression. It seems to be helping.

Woke up in the middle of the night feeling regretful for my current malaise. And grieving the choices made in the past- missing my enthusiasm and passion for life in so many ways. It is hard to move forward each day-- so many reminders of what is not going well, events, people, opportunities missing out because of covid. Even looking at my fancier clothes puts me in a funk- knowing no use keeping them because we have no place to go. Oh, well, need a time out for this pity party.

Wondering how I will feel when circumstances get back to normal. Am I simply using the pandemic as as excuse to drop out of facing life- or is it truly a response to feeling isolated. Find it so unbelievably hard to pick myself up and move forward each day. It is not who I used to be- what happened to my true self. Perhaps it is a sense of suspended animation right now. Hopefully a return to real interaction this next year.

Sorting out today's events- called by an acquaintance- who has a horse. Turned out her horse sustained an injury and she was trying to coordinate evaluation and care. Her mother has mental health issues and doesnt deal well with everyday life- let alone a crisis. Fortunately I was not the first person on the scene- and several other animal/equine sources showed up. We do not have a reliable equine vet on the island- which means major problems have to load and take the ferry off island. The injury appeared to be a major one to the lovely large mare- my estimate is surgery will be required. So at this time the animal is enroute to the mainland.

As I was driving home to check on my horses- I managed to hold it together. It feels like so much left-over trauma from my own horses deaths. Wonder when the healing will be complete from that tragic year. I try to focus on my present herd- but the sadness and loss overwhelms me somedays. I feel for all those who lost a loved one this year during the pandemic.

Yesterday was very rainy- hard to get up and get motivated. Dont know what is wrong with me- it feels more than depression- just all over sadness and discouraged. The smallest things upset me- and have found coping with silly little tasks overwhelm me- why bother. Finally got out of the house between rainshowers. And roused myself to go move the horses from the high paddock back to the barn and tuck them in for the night.

We had our first cold snap and freeze yesterday- cheated and drove to the horses. Feel guilty for not spending more time with them. Still finding it hard to get up and out of the house. Wonder when this will pass.

Well, so far- if you count getting up @ 0330- drove to the barn to check on the horses!! Our area rarely gets snow- but it was coming down at the rate of an inch an hour. Put out more hay- shoveled snow off their tarp shelters in the woods.

Just woke up again- more snow- it is beautiful- hubby gone out to care for the horses!!

Hoping to get out of the house today- feeling sorry for myself again. Hate when my health takes a nosedive- dizzy yesterday. Nothing like puking in the snow to set me back. So worried that the vertigo will return. How do people with disablities function. Oh, and it is snowing again. It is so deep it is over my barn boots. Worry and fretfulness is coming back with a vengence. I was feeling optimistic because scheduled to get the vaccine tomorrow. Hopefully with roads will be plowed- and I wont be dizzy. Oh, take a deep breath and hope for the best.

Yeah it is March- been moving horses from the barn to the high paddock. Less muddy. I took Duke out for a short walk the other day. Need to spend more time with each of them. Looking forward to drier weather. Stilll have many days that I go into the barn and see either horse blankets or tack that belonged to the deceased horses. Wondering when the sad feeling will go away.

I've been reading a book series (: