How did you spend your day?

@Goldcherry2113- glad you are enjoying nature. I rode Flash- the horse ive been thrown off of the most- today. When he is good he is a fantastic ride. Every day I am able to dismount safely is a good day.

Today I watched The Bucket List

Both Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson are actors I admire.

Today is Christmas 2020- first holiday call was from Sonny's previous owner checking how he is doing. My husband gave him the sad news of Sonny's passing in 2019. I still miss my heart horse almost every day.

Being alone and miserable and wishing I could curl into a ball and die.

@tluper6491- we made it through another day. Hope today is better for you.

Playing basketball in the rain just to get 3 shots, didn't suceed cuz to there's lightning and it scared me otw home

In my jammies- gotta get on the move tomorrow!

Yesterday- rode Gus to the field. Treated myself to ongoing acupunture for some physical problem- now working on energy and depression. It seems to be helping.

Woke up in the middle of the night feeling regretful for my current malaise. And grieving the choices made in the past- missing my enthusiasm and passion for life in so many ways. It is hard to move forward each day-- so many reminders of what is not going well, events, people, opportunities missing out because of covid. Even looking at my fancier clothes puts me in a funk- knowing no use keeping them because we have no place to go. Oh, well, need a time out for this pity party.

Wondering how I will feel when circumstances get back to normal. Am I simply using the pandemic as as excuse to drop out of facing life- or is it truly a response to feeling isolated. Find it so unbelievably hard to pick myself up and move forward each day. It is not who I used to be- what happened to my true self. Perhaps it is a sense of suspended animation right now. Hopefully a return to real interaction this next year.

Sorting out today's events- called by an acquaintance- who has a horse. Turned out her horse sustained an injury and she was trying to coordinate evaluation and care. Her mother has mental health issues and doesnt deal well with everyday life- let alone a crisis. Fortunately I was not the first person on the scene- and several other animal/equine sources showed up. We do not have a reliable equine vet on the island- which means major problems have to load and take the ferry off island. The injury appeared to be a major one to the lovely large mare- my estimate is surgery will be required. So at this time the animal is enroute to the mainland.

As I was driving home to check on my horses- I managed to hold it together. It feels like so much left-over trauma from my own horses deaths. Wonder when the healing will be complete from that tragic year. I try to focus on my present herd- but the sadness and loss overwhelms me somedays. I feel for all those who lost a loved one this year during the pandemic.

Yesterday was very rainy- hard to get up and get motivated. Dont know what is wrong with me- it feels more than depression- just all over sadness and discouraged. The smallest things upset me- and have found coping with silly little tasks overwhelm me- why bother. Finally got out of the house between rainshowers. And roused myself to go move the horses from the high paddock back to the barn and tuck them in for the night.

We had our first cold snap and freeze yesterday- cheated and drove to the horses. Feel guilty for not spending more time with them. Still finding it hard to get up and out of the house. Wonder when this will pass.

Well, so far- if you count getting up @ 0330- drove to the barn to check on the horses!! Our area rarely gets snow- but it was coming down at the rate of an inch an hour. Put out more hay- shoveled snow off their tarp shelters in the woods.

Just woke up again- more snow- it is beautiful- hubby gone out to care for the horses!!

Hoping to get out of the house today- feeling sorry for myself again. Hate when my health takes a nosedive- dizzy yesterday. Nothing like puking in the snow to set me back. So worried that the vertigo will return. How do people with disablities function. Oh, and it is snowing again. It is so deep it is over my barn boots. Worry and fretfulness is coming back with a vengence. I was feeling optimistic because scheduled to get the vaccine tomorrow. Hopefully with roads will be plowed- and I wont be dizzy. Oh, take a deep breath and hope for the best.

@barncat I'm sorry to hear the dizziness came back. Its scary when things are off like that

I bet the horses are frisky in the weather! I hope they get the roads plowed so that you can get to where you need to be safely. Take good care of yourself

@mytwistedsoul- We are are fortunate- at least had power, and wood heat. So much of the country has been without electricity- and even water. Hope you are staying healthy, warm and well fed this winter!!

Yeah it is March- been moving horses from the barn to the high paddock. Less muddy. I took Duke out for a short walk the other day. Need to spend more time with each of them. Looking forward to drier weather. Stilll have many days that I go into the barn and see either horse blankets or tack that belonged to the deceased horses. Wondering when the sad feeling will go away.

@barncat Hey :) it's muddy here too. All the snow is melting and just making a mess. In a way its kind of - Idk - weird maybe that you mentioned about the blankets and the sadness. Just last night while I was outside with our other dog - my mind flashed back to those final moments and before I knew it all these emotions just hit and the tears started and I caught myself thinking the same thing :(

@mytwistedsoul- it is reassuring that others feel the same way. The love we feel for our animals is unique. Thank you so much for the validation. I keep a lot of this from my husband- not easy.

@barncat You're welcome. I don't share that stuff with anyone either - well - I did with you just now :) they're so unique and special in their own ways. It doesn't matter whether they're big or small - they have their own personalities that make big impacts on our lives and such gaping holes when they're not here anymore

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

@mytwistedsoul- I am honored that you shared the same feelings. Helps us feel less alone in our grief- as it catches us by surprise some days. I gave Gus a big hug yesterday in appreciation of his wonderful huge horse presence and personality- he has some of Louie and Sonny's characteristics- the best of the two of them.

@barncat It does help to know that I'm not the only one who feels that way towards about my pets - they're family - they just do a better job at it

It made me smile thinking of you giving Big Gus a hug - taking in that feeling of a big fuzzy body - the smell of hay and horse - Thank you :)

I've been reading a book series (:

@Molbaby2022- what a great idea to read a book series. I am looking forward to when our library opens up again!! Have a great day.

Got up earlier- doing proactive emails regarding local county project that will damage the environment. We took the horses to the field today- wonderful clear sunny day.

had two classes in the morning and then spent the rest of today relaxing, cleaning and playing video games.

Slept in then we rode our horses from the barn to the field. Also visited with family outside- and looked at a row boat for sale.

@barncat Gave my first english class :) it was an exciting day

@optimisticDay8079- sounds like you are enjoying teaching. Glad to hear it was exciting for you.

Another day in retirement bliss. Walk dog, feed horses. And repeat.

Wow, and then it is May. Got up on time to feed horses- meet the farrier. Duke is better today- not as lame as yesterday.

Having a hard time to study, especially the mountain-load materials. Feeling alone in online studies :'(

@Adeline12345-hoping you found a little of time for yourself. Having tons of school work must be a stretch on your energy. I cant imagine having to take classes online. Take care.

I watched lots of tv but also did the coco trick to my brothers and they were so confused

A lot of regret and wishing I was fucking dead.

Tried to pay attention in class, it works! Usually will breakdown in the middle of a lecture because set expectations too high. Came to realise the process is better than the outcome 😌

@Adeline12345 glad to hear it worked and it's so insightful you came to realise the process is better than the outcome! I can relate sometimes the expectations are so high and the pressure seems to come from everywhere. Be kind to yourself as you study and know you are smart and you are enough.

Finished class and rode my bike for a while. Been feeling like I'm not good enough, but hopefully listening to an album and cleaning my closet will help in feeling more in control of myself.

@astronautCat20- I smiled when I read you had cleaned out your closet. Taking control of the things we can is always a good step. Take care.