@MusicCandy @SadMe70 New place to communicate

Hello my friend, and happy (?) new year. I will at least start out with some positive news - I had a wonderful visit with my mom. I was there from Dec 18-23. The first full day there, I finally broke down and went to urgent care because of my continued coughing and exhaustion. Turns out the flu had caused bronchitis, I got meds, and I am feeling much better now. I didn't have the energy to take any walks with mom, but we had a great visit anyway. She just got her cabinets, counters, and sink replaced and her kitchen looks beautiful. I am so happy for her. She deserves some nice stuff after decades of making do because we just didn't have much money. We went shopping to get some lazy susans and drawer dividers, and got everything pretty well sorted. I helped her put up her Christmas tree and put the lights on for her, then watched her decorate. She was really happy with it, which made me happy. We also did some cooking together, including baking some rolls which she does a lot. I snapped some pics of her kneading the dough and decorating her tree. I would have liked to stay there for my whole vacation!

Christmas Day was at my older son's house. Awkward and tense for me as I waited for any blowups to occur. They did not, but no warmth either, from my son and DIL toward my husband, though I did not expect any. For a gift they gave him a hickory farms gift basket, which to me is a pretty impersonal thing to give your father, but again, that's how things are now. They gave us ornaments with an ultrasound picture, and on the back it told the babies' names and how they decided on them. I actually really like the names.

Their five Korean visitors arrived the next day, and will be staying until Jan 22, and my son leaves Jan 25 (a Wed). I am so annoyed by that. I would really have liked to spend part of their last weekend with them, but not with a bunch of strangers. I have not been to their house or seen their dogs since Sept. My older son said they were welcome to come visit him with their visitors, so I figured I needed to make an effort too, since two of them are her brother and sister that I've not met. We all (minus my husband) went to my older son's house last Friday, so I met them. Not much interaction since they have very little English and I speak no Korean, but I made the effort. Yay.

I have spent the past week just resting, reading a lot, and unfortunately eating and drinking a lot. I have a lot of work to do getting myself back to normal. I have barely exercised for 6 weeks, and for the last 3 have been eating every bit of junk in sight. I put on about 5 pounds. Yesterday I finally took a walk at the park, and that went really well. Tomorrow I go back to work, and will be meeting my trainer (via zoom) in the morning. I will get my food back on track as well.

I am still thinking about your daughter too, and her hopes for a ring and a baby. I hope she gets those soon before she gets too old to have a baby. My sister who is 48 now tried and was unable (one miscarriage that I know of), and apparently she is having a really hard time emotionally now, between knowing it's too late for her now and hearing my son's baby news. I wish for your daughter to not go through that, and for her also to be able to resolve things with the college. She needs some breaks for sure!

How kind of you to find that doll for the little girl! I know she was delighted and will get a lot of fun and love from her doll! The rocking chair sounds wonderful! I actually have a little child one in my bedroom that my grandfather made for me. Mom made me get it out of her basement a few years ago! It was also so kind of you to give those extra toys to the lady at the mall! I know you didn't want them, but you made such an effort to make sure they got to someone who would really want them. Kudos to you!

I hope that your friend recovers well from her surgery, and that it takes care of it. It is so sad when people have cancer or other terrible things, and suffer through surgeries and treatments only to die anyway, like the lady I know who recently passed away. I wish for anyone who goes through that to actually recover and be able to have a good life after that.

I hope things are going well for you, and that things will be calmer now that all the holiday stuff is over. Going back to work and into my routine should help me feel somewhat more normal, but this looming Jan 25 deadline is really pressing on me. I dread it.

Hello my friend! I was so happy to hear that your daughter is engaged!! Such wonderful and happy news! Congratulations to you all! I am also so glad to hear that she will be able to continue her degree. What a great way to start the new year! I looked up the Main Street station because I did not recognize the name, but I definitely recognize the building. I have seen it many times from the highway. It's beautiful! I hope that works out! How sweet that they have a recording also!

You must have been exhausted after those seven shifts! I can't even imagine how you get through it all. You are one strong and dedicated person, that is for sure. They are going to miss you when you retire. I hope you were able to get in some walks on those few warm days we had. Looks like we are back to cold now. I am going to try to walk this weekend anyway.

I have been doing a pretty good job exercising, mainly cardio in the mornings. I took a short walk with my son last week and this week. I stopped going with the group of ladies I was walking with about once a week. It started out just me and one lady who I used to run into at the park sometimes anyway, and we like to talk about the books we are reading. She is waaay more social than I am (go figure) and managed to talk me into regular meetings. Then she added another lady, someone I also like, so although I dreaded going every week, once I was there it was ok. Then between them they added 3 people that I don't know. I went several times, but I just can't do it. I am just not interested in socializing with strangers.

As for my eating, well I have scaled back from the holiday free for all, but I have not managed to stay below the calorie budget that will allow me to lose weight. I am using my meal/calorie tracker app again, which I find very helpful, but I haven't managed to rein myself in quite far enough yet. I also am having a drink every night, but have managed to keep it to a small amount on weeknights. I try to drink it as soon as I get home, so that it will have less chance of messing up my sleep later. On Monday I have the next phase of my tooth replacement - they put a metal post down into the gum which will bond to the bone. I took Tuesday off, figuring my mouth will be really sore. I told the vice principal that I will come in anyway if I don't feel too bad, but I changed my mind and I'm staying home regardless. If I feel ok, I will go take a long walk at the park since it will probably be pretty empty on a weekday in January.

Congratulations on your great niece! My son and DIL picked matching names that mean "moon" in two languages that are not English or Korean. I actually really like them and there is a sweet back story. They were praying to the moon for a baby, something that ties in with a Korean folktale about the moon, and since they got their wish, decided to name them for the moon. They are considering my parents' names for middle names. Apparently there are some Koreans named with each of these names even though they are not Korean, so that sort of covers having a Korean name too. My husband and mom don't like the names, but I think they are really nice.

I am glad you have a video of yourself and your mom playing the piano! What a treasure! I am grateful that I have something of my mom to show the babies when they are older since they may not remember her.

I stopped by my son's house yesterday to drop off a gift basket of treats. Last year we celebrated Lunar New Year, which is coming up Jan 22, the day all their company leaves. I figured I would bring something over early so they can eat the stuff while they are all here. They knew I was coming (I would not show up unannounced), and I hoped for an invitation to dinner or just to stay and hang out, but that did not happen. I was pretty disappointed, and felt awkward and like I was intruding, so I stayed only 15 minutes. Seeing their house for the first time since September, and knowing they will be gone from it in less than two weeks was pretty hard. I started crying as soon as I left. I am trying to keep my spirits up but it's hard.

Congats again on your happy news! I hope you had a less hectic week! Thank you for being here for me - it continues to mean a lot to me to have someone who not only listens, but is like me in so many ways that I know you understand.

Have a good week my friend!

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Hello my friend, I keep getting an error trying to post my full post. I don't know what is going on. I have typed it twice. I kept a copy and will try again later. So annoying!!

Hello my friend. I don't know what happened last week. I copied my message in repeatedly and it would not post, and I never heard from customer service. Fingers crossed that this message will post!

Well, they are gone. Left Wednesday. They arrived safely and are getting settled in. Before he left, he showed me pictures of the stuff her mom was setting up for them. She stocked the place with food, toiletries, a bed, a sofa. Just another stab in my heart, because I would never be asked to help them like that. I don't imagine her wanting me to pick out her furniture. I know I have to find a way to getpast all the bitterness, even though more things to upset me will keep coming.

I am struggling a bit with feeling like I have no more purpose. My sons' lives are taking directions that distress me because it leaves me out and I'm not sure either of them will be really happy, I would rather have no grandchildren than ones growing up on the other side of the world, my marriage is hard. I lost the distraction of a weekly walk with my friend since it became too many people for me. Right now there is nothing really happy or to look forward to during each week. I am having trouble even mustering excitement about the May wedding since it represents my other son moving away. I know this will pass eventually, but knowing my pessimistic, grouchy nature, I think it will take a while.

I have kept up my exercise including a couple of walks, but my eating has fallen off the wagon again. The few pounds I lost after the holidays are back. I am comfort eating and I know it. I have to get back under control but this past week was not the time to do it. I will try to do a little better this week.

How is your fiance? I am hoping it was reflux and not something worse. Praying that he is ok! Please keep me posted, and also make sure to take care of yourself the best you can. Another layer of stress like that is so taxing.

I feel you about the undone projects. My husband can't physically do his and he doesn't have his helpers anymore. He did finally clean out his bedroom which was full of stuff, sorted through, and boxed up what he still wants to keep. Now my living room is full of boxes which he can't take to the basement, there isn't really room for them anyway, and I don't want to deal with figuring out where to put them. So that's how projects go around here. My one clean room is now a storage unit again.

Ok, here goes with trying to post. Fingers crossed!

I hope you are well!

Hello my friend, I did not get a chance to write yesterday so I know you might not get this until next week.

I am having ups and downs with regard to my son. We had a brief video call last Tuesday, at 5:30 am when I should have been exercising. They were at her parents' house, which is clearly going to become a regular thing, which just drove another knife into my heart. Last night we had another video call to sing happy birthday, since his birthday is tomorrow, and I had to leave the room and after the call I cried for about 10 minutes. He said his in-laws are telling him that he has to call us a couple of times a week. I could not bear that, based on my reaction the two times we talked this week. I have been trying my best to distract myself and not dwell on thinking about him. Of course I still do, but it's more bearable than actually seeing him, plus seeing him at their house and/or talking about visiting them. Once a month might be the most I could stand. I have dealt better with brief FB messenger messages than video calls. I am not sure he or his in-laws will understand that. I have a feeling that you will though.

I am glad that Rachael can have a relationship with her dad, despite how things were in your marriage. It is kind for you to give him money. The clutter here continues to drive me mad and does not help my mental health. I dread having to clean this all up. It's going to cost me a lot of money because so much of it is stuff I can't lift or even know what it is, plus probably years of dump trips myself for the stuff I can lift. That is not how I want to spend my time and it really annoys me, to put it mildly. I will be cheering for you when you retire and get to work on your other half's clutter!

I am still eating really badly, but am trying to work up the resolve to do better this week. I am doing most of my regular exercise, and hope to walk today. I was going to walk Tuesday but it rained, and then Friday and it was so windy.

One of my two friends that I used to walk with had a book that I wanted to borrow, so she stopped by after school with it this week. She also brought with her a whole gift bag that the two of them made for me. She had gone to a bookstore and picked out a book for me (we both read a lot and like to talk about books), plus tea and a chocolate bar, and the other lady baked me a loaf of bread. This all came with a nice note saying they were thinking about me. Well I was bowled over by this kindness and feel so grateful to have people understand what pain I am in. I am going to try to walk with her or both of them sometime when the other 3 are not available.

Good for you on cutting back on the wine! I like tea a lot too, but find myself drifting to the wine (or scotch) instead, so I know how tough it is to choose the tea. The snacks sound really good too! I like molasses a lot but rarely have any. What else do you put in the molasses snack balls? Back when I was doing more and heavier weightlifting, I used to make my own protein bars with protein powder, powdered milk, peanut butter, mini choc chips, and I forget what else. They were yummy, and I would eat one only right after a hard workout.

How is your fiance feeling? Are they still thinking it is reflux and not anything worse? I hope so! Good luck to him with the dental work. I feel your financial pain on that, having shelled out a few thousand over the last 8 months on ONE tooth, and will eventually pay even more to the regular dentist once the implant is ready to have a crown put on it.

I am so sorry to hear about what your daughter's fiance's brother has done! How awful for him and his parents! I can imagine that placing a huge stress on a marriage. I think I will get more excited about my son's marriage as it gets closer. I'm just not feeling now. Too down in the dumps generally. Will your daughter go dress shopping yet, or is it too early for that? I imagine that will be fun! I went with my sister when she got married 10 years ago. Other than my own, I had not shopped with anyone for a wedding dress, and it was nice.

Your understanding and kind words are a lot of encouragement for me - just unloading to someone sympathetic who is also so much like me is really helpful. I suppose I will eventually find some joy somewhere, but for now I would settle for keeping myself from being tremendously sad and getting my act together nutrition-wise. I do feel very grateful also for you and my other friends, and that helps pull me away from the sadness.

I hope you have a wonderful week! Hopefully we can both get in some walks since it is going to be a bit warmer.

Hello my friend, this was not my best week. My depression, which hardly bothered me for several years, has been creeping back in the past months, not surprisingly. It is intermittent though, mostly I am just sad and not actually depressed. I can literally feel the shift in my head and can't stop it when it comes on, which it did last weekend. Once it sets in, I don't even care anymore and I can't pull myself out of it. Luckily it has only been lasting a few days. I have not felt good physically this past week, and the combination makes the depression intensify. My lack of energy leads me to not exercise, then I start eating bad things for the emotional pain, and it all just spirals. All the sugar actually makes me feel worse. I still don't feel great physically today, but I did get to sleep late and the depression lifted a few days ago, and the sun is out, so I hope to have a good day.

My husband and I became big fans of chai tea when an Indian restaurant opened here years ago. Although they moved a half hour north of us several years back, we would drive up there during the pandemic to get carryout as our big treat. I know I mentioned this before. A few months back, my husband created his own spice mixture and we now make our own chai every weekend, so I sit and enjoy tea and have some slow mornings since the weekday mornings are hectic. I decided yesterday that in addition to the tea, I was going to make pancakes, eggs, and bacon today to pamper myself. I know this is not a good choice nutritionally, but I am doing it anyway.

My goats are doing well. I am not breeding them anymore. The smaller one did not get pregnant two years in a row, so I think she is infertile now. It is hard to get a buck for the bigger one, plus the arthritis in my hands is worse and I don't think I could milk daily. Every now and then my friend gives me goat milk. Also, an Amish store opened near my mom in PA, and you can legally sell raw milk there, so I get Jersey cow milk when I go up there. Mostly I make yogurt, but last summer I did make a couple of cheeses. The chickens are good too, and the goose. I think the goose starts laying eggs in March, I never can remember exactly, so I might have goose eggs soon. Her breed only lays a few months out of the year.

I got invited to my son's fiance's bridal shower. I did get a spike of excitement when I opened it, so that is a good sign. I am anxious about the social part since I will hardly know anyone, and you know how I am in social situations anyway. Just to make it more uncomfortable, it is being hosted by her mom's rich friend in her $800k riverfront home (my sister looked it up on Zillow!). This will definitely not be my crowd. My mom, aunt, and sister might come though it's a really long drive for them. I hope they do though, so I will have someone to talk to! The stuff on their registry was all practical, and I wanted to get her something pretty, so I bought a crystal vase online. I know they won't have a lot of room for stuff like that, but I got several crystal bowls/vase/etc. for my wedding and I just liked having them in my kitchen to look at. The vase is still my favorite, so that's why I went with a vase.

I hope you have been doing better with exercise than I have. The weather was not good this week for walks, but I hope you sneaked in one or two, even if it was at the mall. I am so proud of you about the wine! I hope to get myself together enough to maybe try at least one tea night a week instead of alcohol. I like tea a lot and have several nice herbal ones, so I know I would enjoy it. I like your idea of planning ahead. I will try to remember to set it out in the morning so it's waiting for me when I get home.

I used to give up alcohol every year at Lent for years, but not in recent years. Last year I tried reading a daily online site with quotes and verses, but I really didn't get into that. I feel the need to do something, either a sacrifice or adding something spiritual, but I am just not sure what. How frequent are the soup suppers at your church? It is so good of you to do all these things for others with your church, with everything else you do. Are the dinners to feed the hungry, or for the parish members?

It was so kind of you to take your friend out! Such a fun way to do it too! There used to be a Mexican chain called ChiChis that we went to sometimes, and almost every time there was somebody having a birthday. It was fun to watch them singing. Thank you for saying that you would bring me a gift. You are already giving me a huge gift with our messages back and forth. I am interested in what is going on with you and how you are doing, and so grateful to have someone to tell about my messy life.

I hope your week has gone well. I am going to go make tea and pancakes!

Oh my friend, I am so sorry to hear your news. I have been praying for your family all week. Such devastating news for anyone, but for a young couple just starting wedding plans after so long, that is cruel timing. What kind of treatment will that involve? What can they do to get some nutrition into him since he can't really eat? You said what you read wasn't promising - I hope that does not mean a low survival rate. I can't imagine how hard it is on your daughter trying to work and do school, and now to care for someone who is so seriously ill. I am praying for them both, and for you, and for your fiance's health as well. I am so sorry that your family has to go through any of these stresses, much less all at once. You know I am hear to listen to anything you need to say, and I will keep the prayers coming as well.

My week was slightly better because I didn't feel too bad physically. I have my humidifier going in the bedroom and I think that has helped. My depression is usually worse on weekends and weekday mornings, so the weekdays once I get to work and into the evening were not too bad. My eating is still bad, but I exercised more this week since I was feeling better, and got two walks this week after work.

I did not manage to switch to tea any evenings this week, so I am still drinking a lot of extra calories every day. I am sure the temptation for wine is strong for you with everything going on, but I hope you are able to stick to your new routine. I am rooting for you to keep that up!

I both long for and dread the weekends these days, but sleeping in and having time to sit and drink tea are two good things, so I am going to go get started on making the chai. I will keep you in my prayers, my friend.

Hello my friend. What is the news on your daughter's fiance from the biopsy and CT? Hopefully the continued wedding planning will give your daughter a boost as they deal with his health and the treatments. I pray that things will go well for them. I am so glad to hear about her paper and that she is on track for an A. She needs something good and positive like that right now.

I feel for you battling with being dragged down. I am sure it is harder for you knowing everything you do. You know more things to worry about. I am sorry that you are going through this as well. I thought these years of our lives would be ones of contentment instead of all the pain and turmoil we are both experiencing.

This weekend I plan to try on the dress that I hope to wear to my son's wedding in just over two months. I have gained six pounds since my other son left and no end in sight to the massive calorie consumption. I certainly don't want to go dress shopping so I need to get myself together.

How did your first Lenten dinner go? I hope you have enough people to help you, especially the week you have to work (this week?). I have been reading a daily Lenten prayer/meditation. It's not much and I feel I should do more. Yesterday's prayer really resonated with me. This is something I need to do but have not managed it yet:

God of Mercy and Compassion, help soften my heart which I have hardened against those who've offended me. Help me to forgive, even those who do not deserve forgiveness. Take from me the burden of anger and inspire compassion within my heart. Let me experience the freedom that comes from you through forgiveness.

I kept a copy of this so I can try to read it from time to time.

I took a long walk last weekend, and the park where I went has two huge saucer magnolia trees that were in full bloom. I love to see these trees every year, and was so grateful to have seen them accidentally. I was not expecting it since typically they bloom in April! We have some daffodils blooming and I might cut some of those today to bring inside. I have seen forsythia in the area also, though mine have not bloomed yet back here in the woods. My saucer magnolia is budding but not bloomed yet. I hope you have been enjoying the jonquils!

I hope your tea nights are still going strong! I keep forgetting to try it. I seem to only have alcohol on my mind every day when I get home from work. I will have my weekend chai today though!

I hope you are hanging in there. I am trying to.

I am so very sorry to hear this. Have they addressed his pain yet? Has he been able to see an oncologist? I hope they have figured out a treatment plan for him, and also how to get food into him. Do you think he will need a feeding tube? I know they are both devastated by this, and you as well. I know you are going to be the one to be strong for your daughter and help her through this, so I am praying for you as well as them. I know this is something you can do because you are so strong, but I know it's going to be hard, so you know this is where you can unload some worries. I'm glad his mom is coming too. I hope she can stay a while.

I hope this past week's Lenten dinner went as well as the first. I have continued to read the daily Lenten prayer/meditation. I have read a couple of other things that resonated, but not as much as the one I sent last time.

My son told me that my DIL is scheduled for a C section on April 22. If she goes into labor before that, she can choose to try natural childbirth. Apparently she wants to try and I hope she does. I know that will be a harder delivery but easier recovery. I saw a picture of her and she is huge, bigger than I realized twins would make you. He said you can really see the kicks through her stomach, something I wish I could see and feel. The last day I saw them she let me feel her stomach but they were too small and not moving right then so I didn't feel anything.

I am going to hike with my other son today, and then I will see him again tomorrow. There is a bridal shower for his fiance, and my mom and sister are driving down for it. They are coming early enough to have lunch with my son, since he will not be at the shower. It will be good for my heart to see my son, my mom, and my sister. I am off this coming week and will go to mom's on Thursday, the 6th anniversary of dad's death. My sister is coming that day too and we will do something together on Friday. On Saturday, we will go to lunch with my other sister, my aunt, a cousin, and my son is coming for that too. So I will have a lot of family around me this week. The lunch is at the restaurant where we go for this every year, and also for other occasions. The last time we were there was my mom's birthday in October when my son made their pregnancy announcement. We will be in the same alcove which is for large groups. My husband is invited to drive up that day, but besides the long drive, he doesn't really want to see that room again right now. We all feel that way to some extent, but he, my mom, and I feel it the most. In any case, I will see my son three times in a week, so that makes me happy!

My dress for the wedding does not really fit. My husband could barely zip it, and it was uncomfortably tight on my stomach. I have tried to scale back my eating this week. The last thing I want to do is shop for a dress, so I hope I can lose enough weight to fit into it. I will give myself until the first week of May and if it doesn't fit, I need to go find something else. It's so pretty and just right, so I hope I can pull this off. If it weren't for the emotional stuff going on, I would feel pretty good about doing it. I still have not managed the tea at night but did have one night when I did not drink alcohol. That is not much of a victory but maybe a start.

I am glad the people around you are sympathetic. People have been that way with me as well. It makes me feel a little better too. I know that what your family is going through is so much worse than what I am dealing with, which makes me appreciate your support and sympathy even more. I might not have a chance to write next week from mom's house since I won't have my laptop, but if I can figure it out on my tablet I will. Even if I don't, I will be thinking about you. Keep taking good care of yourself!