Honoring our loved ones with random acts of kindness - February 2024 G&L Community Event
Nineteen years ago I said hello to my only child, a beautiful girl that I named Kristyn. Two years later, I had to say goodbye.
There are lots of other things about me: I love animals, I write, I live with multiple sclerosis, I’m still not sure of any of the rules of American football, and I have an alarmingly large collection of keychains from around the world. But in so many ways, “bereaved mom” defines me the most because it’s the lens through which I view my world.
I’m living and Kristyn is not. There’s no other way for me to exist now except in the shadow of that still-surreal reality. I will always be in two places: both here in this world and there, in that other world of enormous grief and overwhelming love.
When I sat down to write Kristyn’s obituary, my now ex-husband requested that I include a line asking people to do something kind in Kristyn’s honor.
That was the spark that lit the fire that has become “Kristyn’s annual teddy bear drive,” that takes place each November and December. Each year my family and I honor Kristyn by collecting donated teddy bears and donating them to the neonatal intensive care unit where Kristyn spent the majority of her short life as well as other neonatal intensive care units in my community. Over the past 17 years, over 2,500 teddy bears have been donated and gifted to NICU babies and their siblings. Knowing that Kristen’s memory lives on is the only thing that has kept me going on those really painful days.
The year after Kristyn passed away, I wanted to do something special on her birthday. So again a spark was lit and I started what I now call “RAK,” day. On November 4th, I encourage all of my family, friends, and even strangers to make the world around them a little brighter by doing a random act of kindness in honor of my beautiful baby girl.
Since Kristyn isn’t here to write her own story, all of these random acts of kindness that people have done over the years have written her story for her. In a way, it’s allowing me to still be a parent and it’s allowing her to still make a difference in the world.
Based on my own experience, I know kindness can be transformative. It certainly is for the recipient. After all, who hasn’t had a simple act of love change the course of their day? But kindness also has a way of changing the person who is reaching out. I am not a better person because of what i do for Kristyn on her birthday and throughout the year, but i do somehow now seem able to see needs that were once largely invisible to me. And when i do what i can to reach out, even if it’s only something small and simple, that moment of satisfaction and peace is truly soul-restoring.
For me, I suspect it’s also partly relief that I’m finally able to mother someone, because there will always be that part of me that longs to finish what I started 19 years ago. That love still needs somewhere to go, after all. But research has shown that doing good really does make you feel good.
A 2019 Study by Lee Rowland and Oliver Scott Curry, for example, examined the effects of doing acts of kindness for both strangers and friends to determine if the positive feeling changed based on whether or not the person doing the kind deed knew the recipient. As it turns out, it makes no difference—all acts of kindness have equally positive effects on happiness, and the more of them you do, the happier you feel.
As a wonderful added bonus, they also discovered that simply seeing kindness in action makes you feel good too. And, I believe, makes you want to join in.
That’s the ripple effect of kindness. When you do it, you want to do it more often. When it’s done for you, you want to pass it on. When you see it, you want to join in. I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that every act of kindness is likely to beget another, which means the love that inspires every good deed is passed on and on into eternity.
I will spend the rest of my life wondering what Kristyn’s life would have been like, and who she would have been. Would she be tall and funny like her dad? Would she be strong and determined like her Aunt? Or Would she be sensitive, awkward and a little bit shy like me? I don’t know. And the agony of that still takes my breath away.
But I do know that reading about the thoughtful acts of kindness people do on her birthday each year fills me with the kind of love and pride I hear “normal” mothers talk about all the time, and I’m more grateful for that gift than anyone knows.
What is one RAK (random act of kindness) that you have done or can do in honor of your loved one?
@Kristynsmama I don't know. What kinds of random kindness can I do?? I want to help and honour your daughter too ❤ and oneday you will find out about all her life, you will see the beautiful young lady that she's become, one day when you meet again in heaven ❤❤ gives you a giant tiny hug
@Tinywhisper11 any random act of kindness is amazing. It can be as simple as holding the door open for a stranger at a grocery store or a friendly smile at a stranger, it doesn’t have to be big. And I would love to see you do an act of kindness in honor of your son instead of in honor of my daughter.
@Kristynsmama in honour of both our babies ❤❤ and all the other children in heaven ❤ I don't leave the care home grounds. I don't use any sort of social media. But what I do is I spend time just listening to the old folks here, they like to have someone who will just listen to their stories about their family and friends, so I guess that could count. And I try to answer as many forum threads as I can on here, try my best to be supportive and spread a few smiles, so I guess that could count too ❤❤
@Kristynsmama For your sweet, beautiful baby girl. May she rest in Heaven always. I bet she would be so proud of you. You are a wonderful person and mother. ♡ Sending you a big hug on this day. Xoxo.
I am so sorry for your loss and the grief that you have and have had.
It is true that random acts of kindness can do so many good things,
I personally try to do some every time I go out.
One time there was this kid that was selling some used toys near a
store and it was near dinner time, so as I went to the store, I bought him a snack.
Then I went to him and chatted with him, told him how good of a job he was doing and
asked for a price of a Buzz lightyear doll. Then I proceeded to give him the triple amount
for that along with the snack. The joy on the child's face was payment enough for me, but
I saw that he wanted to sell something, so Buzz Lightyear came home with me and found
a new home some time later after that.
I like giving where I can, pay for others if they need it or help out in any way that I can.
Random acts of kindness is a wonderful way to remember someone by, I'm so glad that
you found a way to carry your grief and turn it into something positive.
You are absolutely amazing, I want you to know that!
Thank you for sharing your story with us💓
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@Kristynsmama i know your sadness because I lost my brother James in july 31 2018 he 26 years old he was kind so loved by everyone he would light up a room with a big smile on his face. He passed away he got shot 6 times. I miss him so much 🥺💔
@generousFig1948
im so sorry for your loss. That is very tragic. Time does heal, but it will never go away completely.
@Kristynsmama hi I lost my dad on November 13, 2023, massive heart in next step grief on anger stage of grief accept dad is gone I am not in denial anymore and I know he gone 4ever I miss my dad so much and I love him a lot and he be in my heart 4ever
@Kristynsmama As a mum I cried when I read this post, thanks to @HealingTalk for linking it. I cannot imagine the pain that your family went through. I have suffered grief many times so I belief in the RAK and 'paying it forwards'. That is one way of remembering and sharing that love with others.
Listening - One Step At A Time!
@Kristynsmama random act of kindness to never forget my dad he pass away in November 13 never want legacy and honor of him I wish do something honor my dad I hope one day because heart attack and he had diabetics and cancer want give money that one day or just by be on here memories live on through and my family 4ever he miss a lot and love a lot he be my heart 4ever and so sorry for your loss i know how you feel because I lost dad and your daughter for pain you're going through with your daughter and I will never get over my dad death ever
@countrygirl9988 Just remember that random acts of kindness don't have to cost any money. Of course it would be great if you could make a donation to the organizations of your choice in honor of your dad, but what are somethings that you can do now that don't cost you any money?
@Kristynsmama I honor him by never forgetting my dad legacy or memories of his life and dedicate rest of my life for my dad and live great life without him hard, but my dad wants me to strong and be good aunt to nieces and nephews and he want to be there for my mom and my brother, and my dad never be forgotten and my love for my dad be in my heart 4ever
This post was simply beautiful. I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine how tremendously difficult that was. But you are an amazing woman to have harnessed that strength into such a positive. I know without a doubt your daughter is so tremendously proud of you, and happy that you are her mama. Sending you so much love and a great big hug
@Kristynsmama
well I am way younger and not as experienced to completely understand your pain but I am sure your baby girl is proud of you uk when for the first time I saw ur profile ur username was something that caught my attention I actually wanted to ask u about it but I was hesitant and now that I know what it means it just suddenly means so much more , a few years back I lost my best friend he was my strength my support system I was broken after he left me I just couldn't believe it that my bunny left me but then I realised that he was angel who deserved to be in heaven although I still miss him more than anything and anyone I never cry remembering him because he didn't deserve sadness his memories still make me just as happy and every year on his bday I visit an NGO to help the kids there and spend some time with them and ask them to wish for his soul too rest in peace so thats the RAK I have been doing for the past 2 years 🤍 also u r a truly inspiring personality thank you so much for sharing this story its truly a reminder that no matter how hard life hits one should never give up but stand up again stronger and with a smile ❤️
@tranquilechoes
Thank you for your sweet reply. My username actually used to be Angelwings2 because she was almost 2 when she gained her Angelwings. I was incredibly attached to that username and had it for9 years. I recently ran across a member that was abusive and I had to change my username. I still miss my old username, but Kristynsmama seems to fit and has stuck and now I’m attached to it too. If you ever questions like that, my inbox is always open. My life story is an open book nowadays. And I don’t get my feelings hurt if someone asks about my username.
I am so very sorry to hear about your dear friend. I have also lost a very dear friend-almost 2 years ago now because of Covid. I also miss her terribly so I understand your sadness and how much you must miss your friend. I love that you have already incorporated your own RAK’s in honor of your loved one.
Thank you for your kind words.
@Kristynsmama
I would love to know more about you because u r truly inspiring 💗
@Kristynsmama
This was such a heartbreaking post to read. I really could feel your heartbreak. I'm glad you got to have your daughter for as long as you did.
It is so heartwarming with your teddy bear drive. That is so sweet. I used to volunteer for a drive every February, where we would make no-sew blankets for kids in need, we would made about 300 in a day.
This post really did speak to me. In January 2021, my grandmother, who I was extremely close to and is like a mother figure, was diagnosed with terminal cancer. They gave her 6-9 months to live. We almost lost her a few times, especially with her surgery this summer, but I am proud to say that she just past her 3 year diagnosis mark and is still going strong. Its not every day that you hear success stories like that. My grandmother is one of the nicest people I've ever met, and I try to do as many nice things as I physically can. She is always the person to call you, no matter how she is feeling, to check on you. She's my inspiration for everyday I log onto this platform. I'm not an adult yet so I can't do anything big or grand, but every little thing I do, I do for her. She's put so much joy and kindness into my life, like giving me way more money than I've ever held in my entire life, to help me go to college. I will be the first one in our biological family to go to uni. My brother and cousin are going but my cousin got kicked out and my brother is very complicated. We've all come from nothing. One nice thing I did this month to help honor her was 2 weekends ago I was at a band conference and I refused to take the elevator. Maybe I'm stubborn, but also because I knew people needed it more than me. I did those 15 flights of stairs about 4 times before I got caught and yelled at (I'm in a walking boot because of health issues), but it's what she would have done.
I also spoil my friends in any way possible. I just want to make people smile ❤
You are amazing and kind and I know it probably doesn't mean a lot coming from me, but I know Krystn (I really hope I spelt that right, my brain isn't braining) is proud of her mama ❤❤❤ you are amazing and kind
Thank you so much for your response. I can totally visualize just how amazing your grandma is! And wow 3 years past what she thought was a terminal diagnosis. That’s incredible. I know she’ll be proud when you finish uni and everything you do to honor her whether she’s still living or gains her Angelwings at some point.
