Grandma is gone..

I don't get to meet him until after my cruise, as he arrives on the 12th, to attend his friend's wedding on the 13th.. and he leaves early morning of the 19th. So, I'm just going to kinda remind my mum about him. I believe I've mentioned about him to her before.. but, because now, he wants to go past the friendship level, I need to see what my mum thinks. The thing is, I need to tell her he's coming over and wants to go on dates with me.. Because I don't know how to lie about it.. The thing is, if I had friends that I hang out with often, then, I could easily have told her I'm going out with friends.. but, since I don't, I don't have an excuse as to why I'm going out.. So, I need to tell her about him. He also requested I stay one overnight day with him.. I don't think my parents would let me.. but, we'll see.

Well, rather than having a kid, the ex-wife had got the dog for my brother. She was like, dogs are good to have, like dog therapy. As my brother's work is often stressful, that was the reason why she got him the dog. Since they divorced, and my brother really likes the dog, they now have joint custody. Dog stays with her mostly and we only get him when she goes on vacation. She usually has 2-3 weeks of vacation at a time, so, we get the dog 3-4 times a year. She's worked in the medical field for at least 2 decades, so, she has many vacation time. He's a big dog, but because of the poodle part, he doesn't shed. They have him trained really well too, so, going on walks, he's very calm. He's going to be 7 next year.

Grief fatigue.. that sounds like what my problem is.

So, my doctor said he'd send a referral for me to get some counselling, that has like 6 free sessions. at first, he was telling me that I might not get a call until like 3 months later.. I received a call from them today.. The clerk says that the counsellor will call me to organize an appointment.. so, I told her, that I'll be out of town from the 8th - 15th.. Just so she doesn't call me during my time away. So, we'll see how it goes. I have to double check to see that they are indeed free sessions though, because the clerk asked if I'm okay with seeing a supervised intern as it's not as costly. Otherwise, I won't need to see a second counsellor, if I need to pay for them too.

@mytwistedsoul

@Jaeteuk Oh! I'm sorry I got the dates all mixed up. It's probably best not to start their relationship and knowledge of him on a lie. Although it would be kind of awkward and puts alot of pressure on you both. Maybe you could tell her you're going with the friend you're puppy sitting for? Although idk. I think being honest is probably best. Maybe you could save that one for the overnight stay? Or just don't come home that night. Although your parents would probably worry about you and that's no good either

I think it's better to not have kids when divorce is involved. But it's nice that they agreed to joint custody with him. He sounds like a very nice dog. And no shedding is definitely a plus! Some of them shed so much and dog hair can be such a pain to deal with

Wow! They got back to you so quick! Maybe she'll call right before your trip to schedule an appointment. It's nice you have an appointment with the one you talked with before you go on your trip. I can definitely understand not wanting to pay for two therapists. Just one is expensive enough. Maybe the one the doctor referred you to is based on income? 

I hope you have a really nice time on your cruise! Just a few more days before you leave. Are you feeling any excitement about it or is the numbness stealing that from you too. That's the biggest thing with it for me. Yes it keeps the bad feelings at bay but it doesn't let the good ones in either 

That's okay. The thing is, I've never really stayed overnight with friends before, so to not come home one night, I have no excuse for it, will not work.. the friend I help puppy-sit for, she did say that in October, if I'm not working, there are a few days where she want me to stay over at her place to take care of their puppy as they go on vacation. She says little Timmy gets stressed when the environment changes, so the last time she dropped off Timmy at her sister's, created stress because of the unfamiliarity of surroundings.. I can't really use her as the excuse though, because my mum has her contacts, and I don't want to bring my friend into a lie either.

Oh yes.. Because most poodles don't shed, so maybe that's why they chose a poodle mix.. My brother had always like the look of sheepdogs, so, having a sheepadoodle is the best choice. Should I say they are loyal dogs?.. Whenever Hiro is over, he sticks to my brother the most.. as long as my brother is home, and his door isn't closed because he's in a meeting, Hiro will always be by his foot. When my brother leaves for work or goes out to meet his friend, Hiro stays sleeping by the front door, or he'd sleep in my brother's room. His bark is really loud though. He always barks at my brother when my brother has finished work and is walking around.. almost like telling him, "you're free now, play with me". But the moment my brother sits down, or lays in bed, he keeps quiet. But Hiro hates me.. although I take him out from time to time, and feed him treats.. he would growl at me when I try and pet him.. I don't know why... He didn't used to growl at me when he was younger. 

I'm totally not feeling any excitement for the cruise.. I'm actually feeling like I'm wasting money.. because when my parents go on the cruise, they eat a lot.. but now, with the lack of appetite.. the dining part of the trip, I feel like I'll be wasting it.. And by the looks of the weather, it'll be raining a lot up in Alaska.. So, aside from the one land excursion we signed up for (where we'll need to bring an umbrella), we might just end up staying on the ship, indoors. 

I don't know.. maybe I'll see if my counselling session tomorrow will help me with changing the mood better so I can actually enjoy my cruise..

My parents were out with friends all day yesterday, they left the house around 10:15am and didn't come home until almost 11pm.. During their time with friends, my mum had to explain why she couldn't join the birthday dinner next Monday (that they've scheduled months ahead of time).. Because our trip is sudden, and excludes my dad.. my mum briefly told them about my grieving process, how I was disheartened by what colleagues have said about me, that I took some time off from work.. So, she thought that she could go on a cruise with me, as a break from everything. So, I think they are understanding of my mum's absence from their birthday dinner. Plus, my dad can still go. 

@mytwistedsoul

@Jaeteuk Tbh I'd feel bad for pulling a friend into a lie too. Hopefully during the cruise you can find the right time to bring it up. Is there something you and he could plan to do that could justify an overnight stay somewhere? Although that kind of complicates things too. Would your parents be open minded about an overnight stay with him? I mean logically I want to say that you're an adult and can do what you want but I also understand that it's not that easy either when it comes to parents and being respectful to their ideas and thoughts about how things are done

Well, he's staying in a hotel for his stay.. just hopes we can spend as much time together as possible, so, he suggested the overnight stays.. also because the hotel he booked, it's like an hour drive away from my place.. So, he was thinking, the save time, I should just stay over with him. I honestly don't know if my parents/family will agree that I stay overnights with him.. or maybe, they will request to meet with him first.. to make sure he doesn't go overboard with me.. I'll have to see what my mum thinks.. I mean, if he gets angry that my parents don't allow me.. then, won't it mean that he's not a good guy to be with?..

Before, my brother would think because I worked in the hospital, I might have the hospital scent on me.. like, reminds him of the vet or something.. but, even on days I don't work.. Hiro still growls when I try and pet him.. or maybe, he doesn't want to be bothered when he's resting?.. I don't know.. My brother chose this name, as in Japanese, it means generous. Yes, it's just grooming once in a while that he needs.. He's always groomed when he comes to stay over.. makes him look very skinny though.. because without the long poodle hairs, it makes his hands and feet look really slim and tall. But his size is I think considered a medium-large size.. he's about 70lbs.. at the dinner table, he will often rest his head on my brother's lap.. waiting for treats. So, his head rests on his lap when he's sitting. But if Hiro was standing, his head will reach the table top. I think he likes my dad too.. I remember, there were times when I take him out for a walk, if my dad was home, he wouldn't leave the house without my dad. Or if Hiro knows my dad is home, we'll just make it out the door and he won't move. I remember once, he just sat at the top of our driveway, not wanting to move and kept looking back into the house. So, I ended up going back in and asked my dad to walk with us. And he moved! Smart dog, since we and I walk faster, Hiro will always turn back to see where my dad is. He also remembers the paths that lead to fields where my brother has taken him to play before.. so, often, he will stop at specific crossroads, not wanting to move. So, I often have to trick him.. I once took him out at night, and he wouldn't go home.. not walking to walk in the direction of heading home.. Even using treats to lure him didn't work.. I ended up needing to call my brother to come and get him.

I believe the regular main dining is included in the ticket fare.. it's only the specialty restaurants that we need to pay.. and of course, specialty coffees and alcohol drinks are extra.. My mum says, since she paid for the fare, all the other expenses we use on the cruise, will be from me.. So, about the Arcade place.. I'm planning to first take a peek, if I can, see what's in it.. and then, see if I can make the purchase while cruising.. rather than reserve for it now.. My mum bought a mini set of Mahjong (a Chinese tile game), and plans to bring it on the cruise. She said we could either play in our room or we can take it out on the the tables out on the deck or something.. I didn't think she bought it just for our trip, as it's usually a 3-4 person game. 

Their friends are going away for a couple of months, leaving next week.. as one of the couple's siblings are battling with cancer in Taiwan.. so, they often fly there to stay with her sibling to take care of them and spend more time together. This couple are usually the ones that are always organizing meal gatherings. The Auntie used to be a cook back in Hong Kong, almost like a Home Ed. teacher, but teaches cooking. So, her food tastes very delicious and flavors are very rich. Which also makes her a very picky eater when eating at restaurants. She has a couple of restaurants that she's regular customer, so at times when she wants to hold a big dinner, either to celebrate birthday or their anniversary with friends, she will often request the dishes she wants the restaurant to prepare. My parents, when they hang out with their friends.. it's usually with 2 other couples, and 1 single dad.. Sometimes, there's a 3rd couple, but that pair doesn't always join their gatherings. 

My counselling session today.. we talked about how I had been feeling since our first session.. and we talked about what values I have in life.. So, I mentioned relationships.. whether that be family or friendships.. Then, she gave me another homework.. because I had mentioned that my brain has shutdown, and I'm emotionless.. she says it's almost like my nervous system is using the shutdown as a defence mechanism.. rather to let me feel prolonged sadness all the time, shutting down is like giving my body/mind a break. So, for my homework.. she wants me to practice mindfulness and being in the present.. she's like, focus on every small detail.. one by one.. Gave me some examples.. like, if I'm going outside for a walk.. think about how the floor/sidewalk feels like under my feet, is the road flat, did I step on some rocks.. what color is the sky.. are there any clouds.. or when I'm eating, every bite, what does it taste like, the texture.. stuff like that.. She said, a lot of her clients find it helpful by practicing mindfulness to help them get some emotions back.. or helps them think.. As I was telling her, aside from being emotionless, it seems my mind blank, like, I can't see what my thoughts are, or if I'm actually thinking about anything..

My mum says we'll start packing tomorrow.. I might just go for a nap now.. Before my appointment, I arrived earlier at the mall to drop by Walmart Pharmacy to get some refills for my eardrops.. So, after my appointment, just so I can be outside walking more, I took the longer route back to the mall. Went to pick up my meds and took the longer route again (walking outside) back to my car and headed home. I ate a little something, plus a kiwi and coffee.. then, spend like 30 - 45 mins on my piano. It's a Friday, so my brother works in the office.. I mean, that's the only time I can play on the piano.. is when he goes to work in the office, which is twice a week. It's almost 4pm here now.. I'll go take a nap before dinner time comes.. Yesterday, during dinner.. at the dinner table, my mum shared that I don't have much of an appetite.. and asks me, if it would help if I ate something I liked.. I said maybe, but it's mainly not feeling hungry. So, if I do eat, a small portion, and I'm full.

@mytwistedsoul

@Jaeteuk I definitely think they should meet him first. And he should want to meet them too. Especially if your relationship is headed in a more serious direction. He would hopefully understand if your parents aren't too keen on the idea of you staying the night. He might be disappointed but given the fact that they don't know him he should understand why they might be concerned. Maybe if they don't want you to stay the night with him maybe they would be ok with you having your own room? 

I think I told my mum about him many, many years ago.. so, not sure if she still remembers.. He says he hasn't formally met any of his past gf's parents before.. so, I'll have to see what my mum thinks about us first..

Hiro loves the ex-wife, since she's like the primary parent to him.. Every time she comes to pick him up from our place.. Hiro always runs across the street and my brother says Hiro never looks back to him.. He's just excited to go home with mom, just hops in the back seat and that's it.

I keep forgetting about being mindful and being in the present.. it's going to take consistency and practice for sure.. I asked my mum that maybe she can ask me questions.. perhaps like when we're eating or doing some activity.. so, that I'm actually thinking about what it is I'm doing.. But, I think because it's been almost 2 weeks since my brain had shutdown, it's going to take some time to start it back up.. It's almost like trying to start an old car, may take a few tries to get the engine running..

We're just finishing up with the packing now.. just a few more things and the shoes.. it's going to be raining.. so, need to bring like hiking shoes..

I'm hoping the bonding time with my mum will help with the grief too.. Actually, I'm not sure if I should talk to her about work.. It's not really something I want to spend vacation talking about.. maybe we'll just touch-base on my current outlook of my career.. but not spend a long time talking about it..

@mytwistedsoul

@Jaeteuk Oh wow he's never formally met other girlfriends parents? Is that idk - common? I guess maybe in some cases if their family isn't close or maybe it's a just a teenage thing people do? I haven't dated much tbh so I'm not sure of the way things should be? 

I've returned from my Cruise trip with my mum this morning.. Both dad and brother came to pick us up, and we went straight to a Chinese Restaurant for lunch. 

I think it's more of a Chinese thing.. that the parents don't usually meet with the bf/gf unless the relationship is serious or thoughts of getting married is in the picture.. But my mum has said that she doesn't want me to stay overnights with him.. The moment I arrived on port, I messaged him to see if he's at his Aunt's yet.. he just landed the flight there and says will return tonight.. We've planned for breakfast/brunch tomorrow already.. he has plans for dinner with his cousins.. so, I'll only have the day with him.. At first, he wanted me to meet him halfway, as the drive for him from his hotel to my place takes about 45 minutes, without traffic. But, since I don't want to park and ride to meet him halfway, he'll come pick me up and we can either have breakfast or brunch together.

Yes, I'm supposed to get a call from the free counselling session community this coming week too.. They called me during the week I was away.. although I spoke with someone a week earlier telling them I'd be out of town, and the lady even said she'd make note of it.. I guess the message never got passed on..

I'm also supposed to be starting the Grief Support Group thing on Tuesday.. I want to see if my friend ended up signing up for it.. It'd be better if we could attend the first session together.. So I'd get to carpool with her, as I've never been to that church before..

How are you this past week?

I heard more stories about my grandma during our trip from my mum.. which was nice.. I'm not sure if I'm still grieving for her anymore.. 

@mytwistedsoul

@Jaeteuk Hey! Welcome back! Sorry I didn't reply sooner. I haven't been coming on site as much. Yesterday I had that dentist appointment for the crown. That wasn't much fun at all. I have a temporary one right now. They send the impression to a lab somewhere to make. They say they fit better from them. So in 7 to 10 days I go get that one put in. They said they'd call when it's ready

Soul! Good to hear from you. Sometimes it's good to have animals to take care of, helps us actually live a life and gets us out of the house or at least, walk around (whether that be indoors or outside). 

So, we spend 2 days together. He drove to pick me up, we went out for brunch for both days. There were specific places he wanted to eat at, so we went. Then, we went and took a stroll by the waters.. it was okay. Since we met up on Monday and Tuesday, he had dinner plans with cousins on Monday, so he dropped me off back home at 5:15pm.. He ended up being an hour late for his dinner, but he had called his Aunt to tell her he'd be running late. Then, for Tuesday, because I had that session at night, I told him I needed to be home before 6pm, he ended up dropping me off by 3pm because he needed to meet his cousin before dinner. He's returning next summer, to attend his high school reunion. Says, he'll stay longer than this time.

My first group session, just like any other group sessions, it was more of an introduction (I made a separate post about it). Unfortunately, my friend messaged me at 6pm, saying she couldn't make it. I asked the hosts whether or not she could join, although knowing she may miss some sessions. They say, the church requires newcomers to show up within the first three sessions, after that, they do not want new people to join. As it breaks the dynamics for those who have been present since the first session and it interferes with how we feel safer. So, I told my friend, if she's going to join.. to come in the next 2 weeks. The hosts though, did say, that if she knows she'll be missing at least 5 sessions, to wait until the next program to join. Some of the people that came yesterday, were regulars, with this as their 2nd or 3rd session. 7 who signed up, didn't show up though.. so next week, we should have 20 people. They have sessions starting in the Fall and Spring. Each session also has cookies, breads, tea, and decaf coffee. I'll definitely have something next time. I had dinner before attending yesterday's so, I didn't end up having anything. 

Yesterday was the Mid-Autumn Festival.. so, getting home around 9:30pm, I ate the remaining half of the mooncake my brother had. 

My parents are leaving for another cruise this Saturday. The cruise with my mum was nice, seeing the glaciers for the Alaskan cruise was cool. We were lucky to have good weather. Only the quality of the food was a bit disappointing. She was glad I told her about the guy I will be meeting.

I just looked at my schedule.. next week, it's full of appointments. Monday, with my dentist, doing a cleaning and filling.. Tuesday, have that Group Support.. Wednesday, that free counselling session.. Thursday, an appointment with my GP.. 

You know, honestly, I'm no longer sure if I'm still grieving or not.. I received a message from my Manager yesterday, asking if I'll be returning to work next month.. I found out from a nurse that she hired 2 Casuals and are on training at the moment.. luckily, I know that these 2 have lesser hours than I.. so, my position is safe for the time being.. I told my Manager, maybe I can do a gradual return first?.. Like maybe start by working 1-2 days a week first? She says she's current on vacation and will return to work next Monday, where she'll take a look at the schedule and see what we can workout.

I was sharing with the group support last night about the things my colleagues said to me when I tried to return to work after 1.5 weeks from my grandma's passing.. At the end of the session, one of the hosts told me, that I should feel pressured to return to work.. that maybe I should attend a few of these sessions first.. then, see if I'll be ready to return to work..

For the counselling session I have this Friday, I plan to ask the counsellor if she has ideas of how I can deal with mean colleagues who don't know how to say anything nice about my loss. I'm someone who gets affected easily what others say to me.. whether there are intentions of hurt or not.. I take everything personally at first, and takes me a while to think about what others say, if what they said is based on their own feelings and experiences.. 

@mytwistedsoul