Grandma is gone..

So, at 12:30am of my time zone last night, was when Grandma's first day of memorial started. My dad sent us a picture of our family's flower stand, as well as a picture of Grandma at the front. Then, at the end of the service, my mum sent a video showing all the flower stands placed at the perimeter of the service room. With my mum's and her siblings flower stands at the front, beside Grandma.. The card my mum bought for me on behalf with the message I have for Grandma, stands alone on the table in front of Grandma. 

Let's just say, my heart feels heavy and I'm getting a mixture of emotions.. I haven't been able to get into a deep sleep last night.. kept waking up to see if my mum have any more updates on the service.. She said most of my cousins in Hong Kong showed up.. 

So, after spending the day at my friend's place the past Thursday, she mentioned that there is a Grief Counselling session that starts on Sept. 17th, that runs until Dec. 17th, at her Church. I told my mum about it, and she says I should sign up. So, I just registered for it. Only had to pay $40 for the workbook. It will be held every Tuesday, from 7pm - 9pm. My friend said it's not a religious-based, so I hope it'll be okay for me to join. She lost her father 4 years ago, and feels that she's still going through the grieving, and she said she'll have to check her work rotations to see if she could attend, before she registers too. 

In the next month, I probably won't be able to spend time at her place.. Her husband officially starts his strike from his work Aug. 26th.. and will need to spend like 4 hours at the picket line.. and my friend will be working at another Hospital as the new computer system kicks off there.. She has to be there as support, for all the nurses, surgeons, and anesthesiologists using the system. So, no one will be home in the day.. Although the husband is on strike, everything worked out for them.. He will first drive her to work, then go home and get their son ready for school, drop him off at the school's bus stop, then, he'll take the dog with him for the picket line.. then, go pick up my friend after her work, then, the son after school.. Then, all of them will be home by 4pm.. A schedule like that, it won't be good for me to ask if I could spend time at their place.. 

So, I'm hoping her work schedule permits her to attend the Grief Counselling, that way, we can be each other's support.

I told my brother about it too.. and as expected, he was like.. just read books on Grief and watch videos.. he was like, he read many books before, when he was going through a divorce, there was a lot of grief with his loss (the wife walked-out).. He said the books he read, that grief and sadness, is all a matter of choice we make, as to how we see the loss. My brother is a very logical type of person, so reading books will help him.. Then he says, if Grief Counselling is what I need, then, I should go and look for some counselling right away, rather than wait for that session to start. As it's still a month away.. he believes, I shouldn't wait to get "treated".. I'm only hesitant about finding a counsellor for Grief, is that, I do not have extended medical insurance to cover for the cost of the sessions.. so, it can get pricey.. At least, with the one held in the Church, all I have to pay is $40 for the workbook, and the sessions are practically free.. Yes, it will be a long process, from Sept. 17th to Dec. 17th, every Tuesday night.. But, I think it will work out better for me..

Just like the time where my depression was at its peak and I had tried to take my own l*fe. I ended up attending what was called, "Psychodynamic Therapy Group", which also lasted for 3 months, meeting once a week at the Hospital's outpatient department. That therapy group helped a lot, developed a lot of insights within myself and from what others shared. It was a small group, just about 12 of us, plus a Psychologist with his two assistants in the group.. so, just 15 of us. 

I'll ask my mum what she thinks about my brother's idea.. he even said, he could ask his workplace to help find a Grief counsellor.. as with his medical benefits plan, there is someone that can do that kind of thing.. but, he was like, "I think it's better if you actively look for one yourself, rather than wait for the Grief Counselling sessions that start a month from now. Maybe you can find a counsellor and start seeing him/her next week." 

He was like, with the books he's read.. a lot of grief is resulted from feelings of guilt and shame.. and we just need to learn how to let that go.. *sigh*

Lost my appetite yesterday, so didn't have a dinner. Couldn't sleep well last night either, went to bed around 10pm, didn't fall asleep until close to midnight, then was awake from 4am. Then, as planned, I made a quick trip to grab a few items in the grocery store, as they opened at 8am. Thinking I need to back home before 9:30am, for the Support Session on Grief to start.. but, ended up with nothing. I guess Obs wasn't feeling well enough for hosting it today.. or, maybe they don't occur over the weekends? I bought a sandwich and a pressed fruit drink as breakfast.

So, I went to take a nap around 3pm, and was awaken by a nightmare twice. Same story. Being heavy-hearted from the grief, the nightmare also added weight to my chest. It involved my brother.. we seem to be in a home, and he has a dog with him, a retriever. Every time he sees me, he will jump up, as if wanting to push me down and attack. So, why it became a nightmare, because both times, I was being attacked, he jumped on me, push me down on the sofa, snarling in my face. I'd be using all the strength I have to push his face away from mine, and at the same time, trying to call out to my brother to come rescue me. 

The second time it woke me up, and I actually felt like there was weight on my chest. 

So, I had a short chat on the phone with my mum, because I asked her earlier on the thoughts my brother suggested about finding a counsellor.. She agrees, she says, if it was her, rather than waiting another month for that course to start, to try and find someone now and start working on the grief now. So, I'll think about it for a couple more days.. The thing with counsellors is that it's a little like trial-and-error.. I need to feel like I can click with the person first, before I'm willing to open up with my problems.. and for me, it has to be a female..

I also don't know if this way of dealing with it "sooner than later" is a good idea.. It's kind of like, telling me to rush into forgetting about the grief, and to move on with life.. without giving it more time to digest.

Well, that was a short 5-minute phone call consultation.. it was basically asking me what kind of things I want to work on with the grief, and trying to match me with a local counsellor.. as the clinic has two locations.. There is one counsellor they have in mind, but she said she has to contact her to see if she deals with grief.. I told the person on the phone (didn't hear what she introduced herself as), that even if the counsellor doesn't have much experience with grief, working on my depression is good too. So now, I'll just need to hear back from them, says will send me an email if confirmed that she wants to take in a new client.

Oh wow, today's Support Session turned intense. Those two going at each other.. But I'm liking these Sessions, I wish they'd go on longer than 2 weeks. It really helps to be able to discuss about grief in real time with others.

So, I heard back from the clinic. Got myself a first appointment for Friday, Aug. 23rd at 1pm. It was either tomorrow, or wait until Sept. Which makes my day a bit occupied. I have to follow my brother to have his car dropped off for some break changes, then, drive him home. We'll have to go early, so that I can be home in time to attend the Support Session. Then, with the appointment at 1pm, I'm going to have to park at the mall and walk over. The clinic is in a strip mall, with very limited free parking spaces. So, my best bet is to park at the mall across the street and walk over. Since I'm parking at them mall, probably best to park at the far end, then, cut through the mall and out the other side to the strip mall. Then, after my appointment, I can pick up some bread, so it's not like I'm using their parking for my own convenience. 

The counselling sessions were more pricey than I thought though.. $160/session, for 50 minutes, with a price increase starting Sept. 17th to $170/session. So, my brother was saying, he was reading some books about Grief.. and that there's basically 5 different tactics to deal with it.. So, he thinks, maybe the counsellor will identify which works for me, then, have me apply it to my everyday life routine..

To be honest though, I feel that this counselling thing is too soon. I'm only 3 weeks into the grieving, and I feel that my brother is trying to get me to get counselling, as if, he wants me to find ways to get over it. So that I can return to my regular self and return to work. So, I don't know if I'm making the right move.. And like I said, I'd rather attend that Group Grief Support I signed up for instead, than going one-on-one with a counsellor. But since that doesn't start until like the 3rd week of September, my brother wants me to get "help" sooner than later. But, is "help" really what I need to process my grief at this moment? That, I don't know. 

Soul!

So, my first counselling session, I think it went well. Of course, I talked a lot of the grief of losing my Grandma. The counsellor had some questions for me. She asked, "What kind of message is Grief trying to tell you?" Removing all the judgments from family, and colleagues. Near the end of our session, she asked the same question about my sadness. I finally couldn't hold back my tears.. shedded some tears for the first time since my Grandma passed. I guess that was good. She's only in my city on Fridays, so, she's pretty booked up. So we made 2 appointments ahead of time, basically seeing her every other week. She gave me some homework until our next meeting. She says, to go for walks everyday.. even if it's just for 10 minutes.. and to try writing letters to Grandma. Telling her my current grieving state, or talking about our past times.

Today, my brother's friend is coming over for dinner again. So, my brother had to go out for groceries and he asked me to go along, so I can do my walking. So, as he parked at the mall, where one of the Chinese Supermarket is located in, I went and walked outside, around the block. I figured, if I'm doing this exercise of walking, might as well walk outside with the fresh air, than walking rounds inside the mall where it's full of people and with no destination. Only seniors walk around in malls as exercise. So, I ended up walking for an hour, and met with my brother again at another supermarket that's like a few large blocks away from the mall. I think I should write short letters everyday.

Oh yea, yesterday when I got home from taking my brother to pick up his car in the afternoon, my parents woke up early. So, I talked to my mum on the phone for nearly 2 hours! (My index finger was red and tired from holding onto my cellphone for so long!) We talked about my counselling session, and other things including returning to work. Since my Manager only has me off until Aug. 30th, and I'm scheduled to work the first week of September. I told my mum, with counselling just starting, I don't think I'll be ready to return to work by the start of September. So, she says that I should contact my Manager mid next week to say that I'll need more time off. She also said I should write the email in a way, where it sounds like I do want to work, but the grief is preventing me from being able to focus at work. And tell the Manager I'll see if I could return by the 3rd week as scheduled.. Then, my mum was like, if by then, I still don't feel up for it, to keep delaying my return. Because by then, the Group Support starts too.

Later yesterday, my mum suddenly messaged me asking if my Passport was still valid. Apparently she contacted the travel agent that arranged my parents' September cruise, if there are any last minute short cruises for early September. My mum was thinking, just the two of us, to spend time together on a cruise. I tell her, although I may not be able to enjoy it as much, but it would be a good idea for a break like vacation. She said the agent will get back to her today, she did say to not get my hopes up too high.. because it is kind last minute, there may not be anything suitable for us. She says when she looked herself, there was nothing that went to LA (where my Aunt lives), but only ones going up to Alaska. So I told my mum, any other week-long cruise is fine too.. We could explore new places.. lolz.. My parents have their cruise to London starting Sept. 21st. So, our trip will need to be before then.

We'll see.

So, the cruise to Alaska has been booked. It'll be from Sept. 8th - 15th. 

I was telling my mum yesterday, I felt that the past few weeks that she's been in Hong Kong, our chats on the phone seemed to be more than we have ever talked to each other for in my lifetime. The relationship in that sense, seemed to have been deeper. Like in the past, with my depression, because I have been blamed by my brother before that my mum developed a stomach ulcer due to the stress after knowing I was diagnosed with depression. Which in turn, resulted in hiding everything to myself and building a wall between myself and my family members. So, for the large part of my life, I really never talked to my parents about my feelings or things going through my head.

But with Grandma's passing, and having my parents with Grandma in Hong Kong, the grief that came onto me, I ended up telling my mum everything. With heartfelt, deep conversations.. Discussions that we have never had in the past before. So with this Alaskan trip, aside from how my mum wants a change of environment for me, with the hopes of having a vacation will help with my grieving.. and that as we spend time with each other, that she could help open some knots in me with the grief. 

The timing of the cruise is just perfect, doesn't interfere with my counselling sessions, nor the group support that starts Sept. 17th. The only thing I need to reschedule, is my dental cleaning appointment which I'll need to call the office Monday morning). The only thing is, it shortens the time I have to meet with a friend who's visiting from the East Coast, as he attends a friend's wedding. That's the only downside of my trip. We were planning many dates, but now, with the shortened time left I have with him, we'll have to see how things go. He arrives the 12th and leaves early morning of the 19th. 

@mytwistedsoul

So, seeing my GP today, we talked a good 15 minutes. Initially, my appointment was made because I got a nosebleed two days in a row.. but we figured out that it was just because of the dryness in the air.. So, I told him about my grieving instead.. and how I believe my depression might have kicked in.. with the lack of appetites and restless sleeps.. He did ask if I wanted medication, and I said no, I said I had been on them for a long time in the past, and it took me a long time to come off them.. I told him I started some counselling sessions, and have signed up for a group therapy that starts mid-September and runs until December. So, he told me do a follow-up appointment with him in a month.. So, I chose his last day at the clinic on Sept. 26th, as he's the locum for my GP that's on vacation for another month. Where she'll be back in October. Oh, he also sent in a referral for me, apparently there is a place the gives 6 free sessions on counselling (or was that with a psychologist.. I don't remember now). As I said I don't have medical insurance, so the current counselling I found is out of my own pocket. The thing is, with the free sessions, waitlists are usually 3 months. So, he was like, let's see how things go.. maybe I won't need anymore therapy by then.. He was like, as a doctor, it's either the medication way, or the non-medication way.. which is through counselling..

He says he doesn't recommend a Psychologist at the moment, but to wait at least 3 months into the grieving to see if my symptoms worsen.. then, we could consider seeing a psychologist.. I looked online, it seems the one I saw more than 10 years ago is still working.. the only problem is, it's quite far.. especially since we've moved back into our hometown, back then, we lived in a district closer to her office. Now, it could easily become a one hour drive away. 

I'm glad my friend liked the Korean restaurant I took her to. She says she'll come with her family next time. She even ordered something to take home.

She has asked me to take care of her puppy for 2 days in September.. as her son will be going for camping for school, with her husband as a volunteer. She'll be working at a hospital for the month, working a 6 - 2pm shift, she'll need me to feed her dog and take him out for potty. She also mentioned she'll need me, if I'm not working, some time in October or was that November, where she'd get me to stay over at her place as they go on vacation.. Oh gosh, see.. I don't remember now.. My mind.. losing it. My mind had shutdown, no thoughts or feelings now. All I feel is tired and sleepy because of the restless sleeps. 

So, my parents come back Saturday, a morning flight.. I thought they were back tomorrow, on a Friday. I thought they told me they were back the 30th. Oh well..

I forgot to say something..

Over dinner with my friend, she was like, the other day, her and her husband were talking about my grieving.. they said they were worried how I would take things if it were my parents passing.. They were like, I'm already hit this hard for grief for Grandma, someone that lives in our home country, that it wasn't like I was raised by Grandma, that I have little memory and time spend with her.. and yet, the grief impacted me so much.. She said, with her husband, they were saying they are worried how I'll be if it were my parents.. They both lost for fathers.. My friend lost hers 4 years ago, and the husband lost his during COVID.. which was hardest.. because during COVID, no one were allowed to visit.. so, he felt most sorry for his dad, as it's like he passed away by himself, with no family beside him.

She says though, they are glad I'm getting counselling now.. so, maybe I could learn some strategies to cope for future losses.. But she was like, we can never really "prepare" for the grief of losing a loved one.. because of the people we lose, we have different relationships with that person.. so the grief will differ, the impact will be different..

@mytwistedsoul

@Jaeteuk Oh! I'm sorry I got the dates all mixed up. It's probably best not to start their relationship and knowledge of him on a lie. Although it would be kind of awkward and puts alot of pressure on you both. Maybe you could tell her you're going with the friend you're puppy sitting for? Although idk. I think being honest is probably best. Maybe you could save that one for the overnight stay? Or just don't come home that night. Although your parents would probably worry about you and that's no good either

I think it's better to not have kids when divorce is involved. But it's nice that they agreed to joint custody with him. He sounds like a very nice dog. And no shedding is definitely a plus! Some of them shed so much and dog hair can be such a pain to deal with

Wow! They got back to you so quick! Maybe she'll call right before your trip to schedule an appointment. It's nice you have an appointment with the one you talked with before you go on your trip. I can definitely understand not wanting to pay for two therapists. Just one is expensive enough. Maybe the one the doctor referred you to is based on income? 

I hope you have a really nice time on your cruise! Just a few more days before you leave. Are you feeling any excitement about it or is the numbness stealing that from you too. That's the biggest thing with it for me. Yes it keeps the bad feelings at bay but it doesn't let the good ones in either