Grandma is gone..

Thank you for agreeing with me that my feelings towards what she said is valid. That I'm not being sensitive. You should've seen me, my hands were trembling so much when she spoke to me like that and I was getting frustrated/upset when she kept repeating that, in more ways the one.

@mytwistedsoul

So, at 12:30am of my time zone last night, was when Grandma's first day of memorial started. My dad sent us a picture of our family's flower stand, as well as a picture of Grandma at the front. Then, at the end of the service, my mum sent a video showing all the flower stands placed at the perimeter of the service room. With my mum's and her siblings flower stands at the front, beside Grandma.. The card my mum bought for me on behalf with the message I have for Grandma, stands alone on the table in front of Grandma. 

Let's just say, my heart feels heavy and I'm getting a mixture of emotions.. I haven't been able to get into a deep sleep last night.. kept waking up to see if my mum have any more updates on the service.. She said most of my cousins in Hong Kong showed up.. 

So, after spending the day at my friend's place the past Thursday, she mentioned that there is a Grief Counselling session that starts on Sept. 17th, that runs until Dec. 17th, at her Church. I told my mum about it, and she says I should sign up. So, I just registered for it. Only had to pay $40 for the workbook. It will be held every Tuesday, from 7pm - 9pm. My friend said it's not a religious-based, so I hope it'll be okay for me to join. She lost her father 4 years ago, and feels that she's still going through the grieving, and she said she'll have to check her work rotations to see if she could attend, before she registers too. 

In the next month, I probably won't be able to spend time at her place.. Her husband officially starts his strike from his work Aug. 26th.. and will need to spend like 4 hours at the picket line.. and my friend will be working at another Hospital as the new computer system kicks off there.. She has to be there as support, for all the nurses, surgeons, and anesthesiologists using the system. So, no one will be home in the day.. Although the husband is on strike, everything worked out for them.. He will first drive her to work, then go home and get their son ready for school, drop him off at the school's bus stop, then, he'll take the dog with him for the picket line.. then, go pick up my friend after her work, then, the son after school.. Then, all of them will be home by 4pm.. A schedule like that, it won't be good for me to ask if I could spend time at their place.. 

So, I'm hoping her work schedule permits her to attend the Grief Counselling, that way, we can be each other's support.

I told my brother about it too.. and as expected, he was like.. just read books on Grief and watch videos.. he was like, he read many books before, when he was going through a divorce, there was a lot of grief with his loss (the wife walked-out).. He said the books he read, that grief and sadness, is all a matter of choice we make, as to how we see the loss. My brother is a very logical type of person, so reading books will help him.. Then he says, if Grief Counselling is what I need, then, I should go and look for some counselling right away, rather than wait for that session to start. As it's still a month away.. he believes, I shouldn't wait to get "treated".. I'm only hesitant about finding a counsellor for Grief, is that, I do not have extended medical insurance to cover for the cost of the sessions.. so, it can get pricey.. At least, with the one held in the Church, all I have to pay is $40 for the workbook, and the sessions are practically free.. Yes, it will be a long process, from Sept. 17th to Dec. 17th, every Tuesday night.. But, I think it will work out better for me..

Just like the time where my depression was at its peak and I had tried to take my own l*fe. I ended up attending what was called, "Psychodynamic Therapy Group", which also lasted for 3 months, meeting once a week at the Hospital's outpatient department. That therapy group helped a lot, developed a lot of insights within myself and from what others shared. It was a small group, just about 12 of us, plus a Psychologist with his two assistants in the group.. so, just 15 of us. 

I'll ask my mum what she thinks about my brother's idea.. he even said, he could ask his workplace to help find a Grief counsellor.. as with his medical benefits plan, there is someone that can do that kind of thing.. but, he was like, "I think it's better if you actively look for one yourself, rather than wait for the Grief Counselling sessions that start a month from now. Maybe you can find a counsellor and start seeing him/her next week." 

He was like, with the books he's read.. a lot of grief is resulted from feelings of guilt and shame.. and we just need to learn how to let that go.. *sigh*

Lost my appetite yesterday, so didn't have a dinner. Couldn't sleep well last night either, went to bed around 10pm, didn't fall asleep until close to midnight, then was awake from 4am. Then, as planned, I made a quick trip to grab a few items in the grocery store, as they opened at 8am. Thinking I need to back home before 9:30am, for the Support Session on Grief to start.. but, ended up with nothing. I guess Obs wasn't feeling well enough for hosting it today.. or, maybe they don't occur over the weekends? I bought a sandwich and a pressed fruit drink as breakfast.

So, I went to take a nap around 3pm, and was awaken by a nightmare twice. Same story. Being heavy-hearted from the grief, the nightmare also added weight to my chest. It involved my brother.. we seem to be in a home, and he has a dog with him, a retriever. Every time he sees me, he will jump up, as if wanting to push me down and attack. So, why it became a nightmare, because both times, I was being attacked, he jumped on me, push me down on the sofa, snarling in my face. I'd be using all the strength I have to push his face away from mine, and at the same time, trying to call out to my brother to come rescue me. 

The second time it woke me up, and I actually felt like there was weight on my chest. 

So, I had a short chat on the phone with my mum, because I asked her earlier on the thoughts my brother suggested about finding a counsellor.. She agrees, she says, if it was her, rather than waiting another month for that course to start, to try and find someone now and start working on the grief now. So, I'll think about it for a couple more days.. The thing with counsellors is that it's a little like trial-and-error.. I need to feel like I can click with the person first, before I'm willing to open up with my problems.. and for me, it has to be a female..

I also don't know if this way of dealing with it "sooner than later" is a good idea.. It's kind of like, telling me to rush into forgetting about the grief, and to move on with life.. without giving it more time to digest.

@Jaeteuk You have to do what feels right to you. Getting a counselor often takes time and it could take a month or more to have them squeeze you in. Forgive me if I overstep but it seems like everyone's main concern is just for you to get over it. 

You are right, both my brother and parents do seem like they just want me to get help asap, and get over this grief, so that I can return to work. Because to them, my current life situation (unstable career = unstable income, being single, not going out in the public much) is not normal for someone my age. Now, with this grief, that affects my income because I'm unable to work.. they, want me to return to "normal" asap. 

My brother is the very logical type.. so, his thoughts are, "Your grieving can be cured through reading books, getting help from counsellors/psychologists, and changing your mindset." That is why he suggested in looking for a counsellor, so I can be "fixed" asap with my thoughts, so I can think on the good side of grandma's passing, and get on with life. 

The thing is, if I don't go actively looking for one, he will ask his workplace to help find one.. So, to have found one, it stops his nagging. I'll see what a grief counsellor can offer, and what she can do to help. 

The past few days, I've started to lose my appetite and just feel like sleeping all day, like I actually feel tired and sleepy. At first I was planning to head to the mall today to buy a gift, but changed my mind because it's rainy out.. As I like parking in spots where there aren't many cars, so it's a long walk, and I like walking on the outside rather than cut through the mall. Don't feel like carrying my umbrella, so, I'm going to wait and see which day is more sunnier, Thurs or Fri, before I go out.

Aside from the gift, I might get myself to shop for some new clothes.. my wardrobe is severely outdated. Most of the time, when I need to leave the house, I no longer know which clothes to wear. I wear the same outfit to work every shift, because in my mind, what's the point of wearing fancy clothes when all I'm doing is parking my car, walk inside the hospital to the change room, and change into hospital scrubs. And I usually go home right away after work, so, no need to wear a different outfit every shift. 

But I have a friend coming to visit in mid-September.. we're planning to go on some dates, so I need some proper clothing for the outings. But I did say, I'm going through a grieving process, so I may not be in the mood for them.. so, we'll have to see how things are by then.

@mytwistedsoul

@Jaeteuk I guess what I don't understand is what's wrong with grieving? I mean I understand that it's affecting you. You feel the loss and you have regrets but idk - is there an actual cure for grief? Maybe it's just me but other than the fact that she's now with your grandfather what is the good side of passing? Is there one? 

I think this grieving thing is new to my family.. Like when my grandfather passed a few years ago (dad's dad).. my dad didn't grieve, neither did I. But for some reason, my grandma's passing, it hit me really hard.. I think it might've also been because I expected her to live a few more years.. then, suddenly comes the news that she passed away in her sleep. Because this grief has interfered with my life (not being able to work), that all my family thinks of is that I need "help" to get over the grieving so I can return to my regular routine.. back to work and not feel so sad all day, every day.

I have a feeling my depression is playing a part in the grieving too.. Now, it's just endless sadness I feel. I don't even know what my brain is thinking, or maybe I'm in an emotional mess that I don't really "feel" anymore. Like, I don't even know what I should be thinking. That's why I was mentioning earlier today in the Support Session, that I'm just confused right now. At least subconsciously, the depression is kicking in.. with the lack of appetite and sleeps that make me feel tired rather than refreshed.

@mytwistedsoul

@Jaeteuk I remember when we had talked before you had mentioned that they were talking about discharging her from the hospital because she was doing ok and was stable. It caught me off guard too when you wrote that she passed

Well, that was a short 5-minute phone call consultation.. it was basically asking me what kind of things I want to work on with the grief, and trying to match me with a local counsellor.. as the clinic has two locations.. There is one counsellor they have in mind, but she said she has to contact her to see if she deals with grief.. I told the person on the phone (didn't hear what she introduced herself as), that even if the counsellor doesn't have much experience with grief, working on my depression is good too. So now, I'll just need to hear back from them, says will send me an email if confirmed that she wants to take in a new client.

Oh wow, today's Support Session turned intense. Those two going at each other.. But I'm liking these Sessions, I wish they'd go on longer than 2 weeks. It really helps to be able to discuss about grief in real time with others.

@Jaeteuk Omgosh today was really wow. I'm not even sure what set it off tbh. I know sometimes with the chat it moves pretty fast and it's easy to get who said what confused.

I do wish that they could continue too. That's about the only place that there's really been any kind of support for me

I think it was some misunderstanding.. like my words were mixed with someone else's, then, opinions became personal attacks.. and it was just firing each other with more misunderstandings.. I think because we didn't use the * way to share, things got a bit mixed up, because everyone was kind of talking at the same time..

@mytwistedsoul, we can continue our chats here, if you don't mind, Soul. 

@Jaeteuk I didn't even think to use the * during the chats. And you're right we were all talking at once

So, I heard back from the clinic. Got myself a first appointment for Friday, Aug. 23rd at 1pm. It was either tomorrow, or wait until Sept. Which makes my day a bit occupied. I have to follow my brother to have his car dropped off for some break changes, then, drive him home. We'll have to go early, so that I can be home in time to attend the Support Session. Then, with the appointment at 1pm, I'm going to have to park at the mall and walk over. The clinic is in a strip mall, with very limited free parking spaces. So, my best bet is to park at the mall across the street and walk over. Since I'm parking at them mall, probably best to park at the far end, then, cut through the mall and out the other side to the strip mall. Then, after my appointment, I can pick up some bread, so it's not like I'm using their parking for my own convenience. 

The counselling sessions were more pricey than I thought though.. $160/session, for 50 minutes, with a price increase starting Sept. 17th to $170/session. So, my brother was saying, he was reading some books about Grief.. and that there's basically 5 different tactics to deal with it.. So, he thinks, maybe the counsellor will identify which works for me, then, have me apply it to my everyday life routine..

To be honest though, I feel that this counselling thing is too soon. I'm only 3 weeks into the grieving, and I feel that my brother is trying to get me to get counselling, as if, he wants me to find ways to get over it. So that I can return to my regular self and return to work. So, I don't know if I'm making the right move.. And like I said, I'd rather attend that Group Grief Support I signed up for instead, than going one-on-one with a counsellor. But since that doesn't start until like the 3rd week of September, my brother wants me to get "help" sooner than later. But, is "help" really what I need to process my grief at this moment? That, I don't know. 

@Jaeteuk Hey that's great they could get you in so soon! Counseling is expensive. Too expensive tbh. I understand they do good things for people but if your insurance doesn't help or only pays so much it adds up really quick

I don't have any medical insurance, so it doesn't make a difference to me. But, it is much more expensive that I imagined.. I think when I saw a Psychologist several years ago, like in the year 2010's, each session was like $75.

Yea, I get my family's intention.. they do mean well, like that's the only thing they could do to help me with my grieving.. I don't know.. I'll see what the counsellor can do for me.. and see if it'll really be the way to go.. Otherwise, I'll just wait for the group support.. I only had to pay $40 for the workbook, and that goes from Sept. 17 to Dec. 17th, every Tuesday for 2 hours each. Maybe the counsellor can help me think of ways to handle going back to work.. even if I can't work a full week at a time, maybe I can work with my Manager and do partial weeks.. like 2-3 days a week, instead of taking blocks in weeks.

@mytwistedsoul

@Jaeteuk Omgosh so that's out of pocket? Although I kind of think insurance is a scam sometimes.  Because we pay so much a month for it and then still have deductibles and co pays 

Yup, all out of my own pocket.. actually, this amount is nothing compared to all the dental work I've gotten the past 1.5 years.. spent almost $3000 in a few months time!

But my mum did offer to help me financially if needed.

I'm actually a little afraid to return to work.. Like my family says, we can't control what others have to say about me and my leave, so, even if it's not intentional, their words can still hurt.. The other thing is, if I return to work, others will think that I'm all better, and they will be on me for productivity and efficiency in my work, then complain about it, if I don't finish all my tasks.. I also don't want to hear anymore comparisons of my grieving to their own personal struggles with life.. It's selfish talk.. I'd rather they leave it at "I'm sorry for your loss"..

@mytwistedsoul

@Jaeteuk Dental work is unbelievably expensive! I just found out last week I need a crown and wow the price they told me was staggering 

Oh yes, crowns are expensive. I almost needed one too. I had an implant done more than 10 years ago, and that was like $3000 for 1 tooth. And the price probably has gone up much more now.

That's what I told that colleague who kept comparing her life struggles to my loss of grandma, that there's a difference. Maybe I can work with the counselor on this. Someone here in Cups said, that my grieving has been preventing me from being able to work, that in itself is disabling. So, that should get immediate attention. So, she said, going to counseling with this problem is okay. Otherwise, she also agrees that having my family have me go for counseling to get over the grief, that it's still early for it.

So for today's first session, maybe that's what I'll talk about with her.

By the way, Soul. Where are you residing in? I'm in Canada, west coast.

@Jaeteuk You're right the price has probably gone up since you first had it done.. It's ridiculous how the things that are meant to keep us healthy are often so costly

I think it's a good idea to at least go and see what this therapist can offer you with this at least. Maybe see her until the support group starts unless it's beneficial then maybe stick with it for as long as you need to. If it helps you work through your grief and helps you move forward that's always a good thing!
Good luck today!

I'm on the east coast of the US. Northern Pa

* I guess there's no support session today?  Unless I missed it?

Yea.. I'll see how it goes today. See what she can offer to help me.. Even if it's to get me well enough to work a few shifts per week is better than being home all day, everyday. 

I see, so the Support Sessions are in your time zone then. 

It doesn't look like there's a Session.. I kept checking the chat every 5 minutes, and nothing shows up.. Obs has been absent before.. and explained that he took meds and dozed off early. I hope he's back tomorrow, that way, I can share my experience with the counsellor with everyone else. 

It started raining today, and will be for the next few days. So, I'm thinking of leaving my house around 12:15pm, get a good parking spot on the far end of the mall, then, slowly make my way walking over to the clinic. Bring my umbrella, get some fresh air. I sometimes like the smell of a raining day.. you know how the air is like when it's going to rain.. it has a different smell to it.. Or is it just me?.. lolz.

This morning, I was following my brother's car from behind, but lost him at the first light. Luckily, I looked at Google Map ahead of time to see which road/lane to drive in. Then, as I got near the shop itself, I saw my brother like 3 cars ahead.. Turns out, he ended up driving in the right/slow lane, and let cars pass to see if I could catch up to him. In a sense, I guess I did. We arrived right at 8am. He did offer to eat at A&W, but I said, let's go home to eat, as I bought some toast yesterday. And I didn't want to rush home and miss the Session. 

So now, I'll just do some things, and then go take a shower before I head out. Maybe have lunch after my appointment somewhere.. Not sure, I usually don't really eat a lunch.. So, maybe just end up going home for some yogurt and blueberries.

So, my friend is going away for the weekend to the interior. I was going to give her the badminton racket.. then, she tells me she's on vacation until Sept. 2nd. So, as long as she returns, then, she's practically free. She also said she picked up a shift at the Hospital for Aug. 29th. So I told her, if I don't see her before, I'll drop by at the end of her shift to give it to her. Her husband's job is starting a strike Aug. 26th, but he has to be at the picket line for 4 hours a day. But it worked out nicely in a way, because my friend has to be at another hospital for work for September, working like a 6am - 2pm shift. At first they were worried how their son could get to school. Now that the husband is on strike. His "working day" would be to drop her off at the hospital, get home, get his son ready for school, drive him to the school bus stop pickup, go for his 4-hour picket line, then, pick up wife at hospital, then son from school.. and head home. The only problem would be, I might not be able to go spend time at their place on the weekdays anymore.. as the son probably would be busy with homework after school, or with extracurricular activities where the parents will be busy. 

We'll see. So, I hope her schedule permits her to register for the Group Support for Grief.. that way, even if I can't spend time at her place anymore, I could still see her once a week. 

@mytwistedsoul

Soul!

So, my first counselling session, I think it went well. Of course, I talked a lot of the grief of losing my Grandma. The counsellor had some questions for me. She asked, "What kind of message is Grief trying to tell you?" Removing all the judgments from family, and colleagues. Near the end of our session, she asked the same question about my sadness. I finally couldn't hold back my tears.. shedded some tears for the first time since my Grandma passed. I guess that was good. She's only in my city on Fridays, so, she's pretty booked up. So we made 2 appointments ahead of time, basically seeing her every other week. She gave me some homework until our next meeting. She says, to go for walks everyday.. even if it's just for 10 minutes.. and to try writing letters to Grandma. Telling her my current grieving state, or talking about our past times.

Today, my brother's friend is coming over for dinner again. So, my brother had to go out for groceries and he asked me to go along, so I can do my walking. So, as he parked at the mall, where one of the Chinese Supermarket is located in, I went and walked outside, around the block. I figured, if I'm doing this exercise of walking, might as well walk outside with the fresh air, than walking rounds inside the mall where it's full of people and with no destination. Only seniors walk around in malls as exercise. So, I ended up walking for an hour, and met with my brother again at another supermarket that's like a few large blocks away from the mall. I think I should write short letters everyday.

Oh yea, yesterday when I got home from taking my brother to pick up his car in the afternoon, my parents woke up early. So, I talked to my mum on the phone for nearly 2 hours! (My index finger was red and tired from holding onto my cellphone for so long!) We talked about my counselling session, and other things including returning to work. Since my Manager only has me off until Aug. 30th, and I'm scheduled to work the first week of September. I told my mum, with counselling just starting, I don't think I'll be ready to return to work by the start of September. So, she says that I should contact my Manager mid next week to say that I'll need more time off. She also said I should write the email in a way, where it sounds like I do want to work, but the grief is preventing me from being able to focus at work. And tell the Manager I'll see if I could return by the 3rd week as scheduled.. Then, my mum was like, if by then, I still don't feel up for it, to keep delaying my return. Because by then, the Group Support starts too.

Later yesterday, my mum suddenly messaged me asking if my Passport was still valid. Apparently she contacted the travel agent that arranged my parents' September cruise, if there are any last minute short cruises for early September. My mum was thinking, just the two of us, to spend time together on a cruise. I tell her, although I may not be able to enjoy it as much, but it would be a good idea for a break like vacation. She said the agent will get back to her today, she did say to not get my hopes up too high.. because it is kind last minute, there may not be anything suitable for us. She says when she looked herself, there was nothing that went to LA (where my Aunt lives), but only ones going up to Alaska. So I told my mum, any other week-long cruise is fine too.. We could explore new places.. lolz.. My parents have their cruise to London starting Sept. 21st. So, our trip will need to be before then.

We'll see.

So, the cruise to Alaska has been booked. It'll be from Sept. 8th - 15th. 

I was telling my mum yesterday, I felt that the past few weeks that she's been in Hong Kong, our chats on the phone seemed to be more than we have ever talked to each other for in my lifetime. The relationship in that sense, seemed to have been deeper. Like in the past, with my depression, because I have been blamed by my brother before that my mum developed a stomach ulcer due to the stress after knowing I was diagnosed with depression. Which in turn, resulted in hiding everything to myself and building a wall between myself and my family members. So, for the large part of my life, I really never talked to my parents about my feelings or things going through my head.

But with Grandma's passing, and having my parents with Grandma in Hong Kong, the grief that came onto me, I ended up telling my mum everything. With heartfelt, deep conversations.. Discussions that we have never had in the past before. So with this Alaskan trip, aside from how my mum wants a change of environment for me, with the hopes of having a vacation will help with my grieving.. and that as we spend time with each other, that she could help open some knots in me with the grief. 

The timing of the cruise is just perfect, doesn't interfere with my counselling sessions, nor the group support that starts Sept. 17th. The only thing I need to reschedule, is my dental cleaning appointment which I'll need to call the office Monday morning). The only thing is, it shortens the time I have to meet with a friend who's visiting from the East Coast, as he attends a friend's wedding. That's the only downside of my trip. We were planning many dates, but now, with the shortened time left I have with him, we'll have to see how things go. He arrives the 12th and leaves early morning of the 19th. 

@mytwistedsoul

@Jaeteuk Sorry for my delayed reply. I decided last minute to go away for the weekend and then I get behind in some ways and it takes me a little bit to catch up

It must've been nice to be able to have a weekend getaway! Hope you had a good time!

The only thing now, would be work.. I guess I'll decide after my trip if I'm fit to return to work yet. I'm putting work at the last priority. Health, both physical and mental, is much more important than work at the moment. The only thing is, my mum did make a point. With the hospital work, shifts are given by seniority (hours worked in total). So, if my Manager hires a second Casual (someone of the same status as I), and this person has higher seniority than me. Then, eventually, I would become the second choice in having shifts offered to me. Which could easily mean I'll only have less than half of the amount of shifts I'm getting now (as the only one Casual staff). I would be replaced. My work now, it's already an unstable income, because my shifts are assigned to relief others' vacation, and amongst 5 other colleagues, they do not have 52 weeks of vacation combined. So, there could be months were I'd only have less than 5 days of work. But, if I were to be replaced by a second Casual whose seniority is higher than me, then, I'll pretty much have no work = no income. The only shifts I'll get are sudden sick calls (which I usually don't end up working, because the notice is the morning of, and I don't have meals packed to bring), or when 2 staff are off at the same time.

Or maybe I should just quit my job, and put my full focus on my online business instead? Who knows, maybe this would be the one of the things I could discuss with my mum during our trip. But if I do that, then, it would mean my online business must hit big, or else, I still won't have any income.

@mytwistedsoul

@Jaeteuk It was ok. I went to an amusement park. Not a huge one like Disney or anything like that but it was still fun. Even though it was hot outside and very full

An amusement park day sounds fun. The other day, I suddenly thought about going to arcades.. you know, the one where you play games, earn tickets in exchange of stuffies or something.. They have one on the cruise, but gotta pay for the admission and I don't think my mum would like it.

My Manager seems understanding.. she used to work as one of the nurses, and we got along then. She changed over to becoming our Manager when our previous Manager took a higher position in the Hospital, and was working towards retirement. I find that because she has worked in the department before, she's more understanding of the complicated relationships between colleagues. Compared to our previous Manager, she's much more easier to approach. 

My mum kinda told me what to say to my Manager.. of course, I won't mention about the cruise. But need to sound like I do want to return, but my grief is preventing me from concentrating and cannot focus, so work is still not possible at the moment. To make it sound like I will return in September.. but also leave it open with the possibility of not being able to return yet.. My mum said I could tell my Manager that I have started with Counselling.. so that to work, it would sound like I'm trying my best to "fix" myself, so that I can return to work sooner.

You know, Soul, at the current moment.. I'm emotionless.. I don't know what I'm feeling right now.. all I know is, since last week, I'm losing my appetite, and I don't feel rested after sleeping. I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday, the initial purpose was the concern I had 2 weeks ago when I had a nosebleed two days in a row. But, we later on figured out that it could be the dryness in the air, because I had a fan turned on while I slept at night. I have been having it turned off now, and haven't had another nosebleed since. So, since that's no longer a problem, I'm thinking of just telling my doctor about my current condition, with the grief, the lack of appetite, the restless sleeps.. although it's not like I'm asking for medication, but maybe just let my doctor know, so, my symptoms can be kept on record. As usual with seeing the doctor, I end up parking at the mall and walking over, because the clinic's parking is very inconvenient. So, as I walk to the clinic, I'll drop by my Dental Office to reschedule my cleaning. I was going to call them this week, but remembered I have a Doctor's appointment that's like on the same street this week, so I'll just drop by to do it instead. For me, I'd rather either do something in person, or if possible, online, and not talking on the phone with someone. 

Also, my friend picked up a shift at the hospital on Thursday, so, I was thinking, to ask her to message me when she's on the way to change back into street clothes at the end of her shift. So, I can make my way down to where she has parked to hand her the badminton racket I bought for her son. 

Then, my parents come home on Friday.

@mytwistedsoul

@Jaeteuk They had an arcade like that at the amusement park! It was a very busy place lol! Maybe you could sneak down one night :) Or just pop in with her for alittle she might surprise you and have alittle fun there too :)

With the arcade, I'll have to pay for it ahead of time.. and it's quite pricey for 2 people.. So, maybe we could enjoy some other free activities instead..

I'm not a nurse myself, but I do work closely with them, and the anesthesiologists. Although my work is not as critical as a nurse, but there are usually many things happening at once, and without being able to multi-task will be a struggle for sure. That is why, I think that with the lack of concentration and focus at the moment, returning to work will just increase the stress.

You know, I do think it's my depression kicking in. I couldn't sleep until almost 5am this morning, and woke up around 9:45am. It's almost 1:00pm here, and I definitely feel like going back to bed. My brother left for work early this morning, so after having breakfast, I was able to spend some time on my piano. Something I can only do when my brother goes into the office instead of working from home. He usually goes into the office on Mondays and Thursdays/Fridays, but since the weekend, the transportation was on strike, and on Monday, the train schedules were not back to normal yet. So, my brother didn't choose to go into the office until today, and probably go Friday too. Makes me think, are my parents going to take transit to get home? 

I bought a nasal lubricant spray, so I had been using that. This emotionless and not knowing what is going on in my mind, it's a bit scary, to be honest.. It's like one of those moments during my depression where I cannot control all the negative thinking, but this time, I don't even know "what" I'm thinking. With the restless sleeps, I feel tired during the day.. Aside from that day where I walked over the weekend, I haven't gone outside for walks since.. So with tomorrow's appointment, it'll be nice to be able to walk with a purpose/destination. 

Yesterday, my mum messaged me, asking if I could help her make an appointment to get a haircut. She gave me the phone number, but, since I'll be having the doctor's appointment tomorrow, everything is on the same block. So, I'll drop by both the dentist and hairdresser tomorrow, before my appointment. 

Good luck with your crown.

I'll see if the friend wants to have dinner with me after her shift, I can take her to a Korean restaurant I had been a fan of or we could go for sushi across the street. Waiting to hear back from her.

So, I sent a short email to my Manager this morning. Claiming that I'm slowly making progress in dealing with my grief by seeing a counsellor. I told her, although I want to work, but the grief is disabling me. I can't even concentrate on tasks at home, let alone, focus on the duties at work. I did mention, that with more counselling sessions ahead, I hope to return to work by the last week of September. So, I'll wait and see what she says.

@mytwistedsoul

@Jaeteuk Oh I didn't know that about the arcade on cruises. Having to plan ahead would take away from any spontaneity but yeah there's probably all sorts of fun free activities to do

With the piano, I get a sense of achievement. I actually just play one song over and over again, then, when sounds it's flowing nicely, I feel I achieved something. It's funny, this song, I've played it back in the days. Back then, it was a popular Chinese pop song. The very first time I took it back out to play, it was all muscle memory. Like, my fingers just knew the notes, so, often, I'd lose my place on the music sheet, because I was playing it by memory rather than reading the music. This is like the only song left that I can play the entire song. Of course, I can start new, and learn/play other songs. But, with the lack of focus, I will stick with this one for now. (Otherwise, I heard listening to Classical music is good for depression, so, I could've tried playing some classical music).

Seeing my doctor later, he's not my regular GP. As it seems she's on vacation again, as she was not available all of August. This doctor is one of her locums, one that stayed with her the longest. She has had other locums come and go, but this one seems to be always around. 

My mum messaged me yesterday, took a picture of a light jacket and asked if I wanted one. So, I get a new, blue jacket. We have the same store here, so I asked if the price in HK is cheaper, if it is, to get it. She says it's the same material as another one I have, but it has been a few years old with that one already.

You know, I hate shopping for clothes.. I find it a waste of time if I'll need to try it first.. But I know I need to upgrade my wardrobe, as a lot of my clothes are old-fashioned, and old in general.. like, I've had them since my 20s, so their more than 10 years. But I only like a certain style of clothing, and is the conservative type.. so, showing as little skin as possible. I used to love the styles found in Tommy Hilfiger, but all the stores in my Province were closed down many years ago. I haven't really found another brand to replace it. 

Like the other day, I tried looking a clothes and shoes in the mall.. nothing caught my eye, and when it did, it was too pricey. I'll take a look again today, a different store. But it depends if I get tired and sleepy. Otherwise, after my appointment, I might just buy some bread and head home.

It's so weird with a blank mind. Not knowing what I'm thinking or feeling. I no longer know if I feel anymore sadness or that the sadness ran off and now my mind is empty. I'm still writing in my diary, letters to Grandma. It's good, I get to practice writing in Chinese, because there are things I wanted to say to her, which would be in Chinese and not English.

I'm confirming with my friend now, see if she wants to grab a bite together after her shift.

What are you doing to help yourself with your grieving process of losing your father? Losing someone in our immediate family must be more difficult. I know a classmate who recently lost her mother to cancer, she's the eldest sibling of 3, and she's only in her mid-20s. With the youngest sibling 15 only. Her mother had been battling with cancer for a past 5 years.. So she must've been still young, maybe only in her 50s.

I lost a colleague a few years ago to breast cancer, her battle was only a couple of years, with kids still in high school. I didn't grieve as much with the news, but I did feel sad. We should've met up more often after we've both left the same workplace. We only kept in touch through text messages, but we tried setting up times to meet, but her side effects to chemo was severe, and she couldn't walk or have the energy to be out and about. Then, after not hearing from her for like a couple of months, another past colleague to me she had passed away from the battle. 

My current friend.. her sister is also dealing with breast cancer, and will be going through another cycle of chemo in October, as she just had an operation a few weeks ago. My friend also needs a biopsy done next week too.. Hope she'll be okay, and the doctor is just being cautious.

@mytwistedsoul

So, seeing my GP today, we talked a good 15 minutes. Initially, my appointment was made because I got a nosebleed two days in a row.. but we figured out that it was just because of the dryness in the air.. So, I told him about my grieving instead.. and how I believe my depression might have kicked in.. with the lack of appetites and restless sleeps.. He did ask if I wanted medication, and I said no, I said I had been on them for a long time in the past, and it took me a long time to come off them.. I told him I started some counselling sessions, and have signed up for a group therapy that starts mid-September and runs until December. So, he told me do a follow-up appointment with him in a month.. So, I chose his last day at the clinic on Sept. 26th, as he's the locum for my GP that's on vacation for another month. Where she'll be back in October. Oh, he also sent in a referral for me, apparently there is a place the gives 6 free sessions on counselling (or was that with a psychologist.. I don't remember now). As I said I don't have medical insurance, so the current counselling I found is out of my own pocket. The thing is, with the free sessions, waitlists are usually 3 months. So, he was like, let's see how things go.. maybe I won't need anymore therapy by then.. He was like, as a doctor, it's either the medication way, or the non-medication way.. which is through counselling..

He says he doesn't recommend a Psychologist at the moment, but to wait at least 3 months into the grieving to see if my symptoms worsen.. then, we could consider seeing a psychologist.. I looked online, it seems the one I saw more than 10 years ago is still working.. the only problem is, it's quite far.. especially since we've moved back into our hometown, back then, we lived in a district closer to her office. Now, it could easily become a one hour drive away. 

I'm glad my friend liked the Korean restaurant I took her to. She says she'll come with her family next time. She even ordered something to take home.

She has asked me to take care of her puppy for 2 days in September.. as her son will be going for camping for school, with her husband as a volunteer. She'll be working at a hospital for the month, working a 6 - 2pm shift, she'll need me to feed her dog and take him out for potty. She also mentioned she'll need me, if I'm not working, some time in October or was that November, where she'd get me to stay over at her place as they go on vacation.. Oh gosh, see.. I don't remember now.. My mind.. losing it. My mind had shutdown, no thoughts or feelings now. All I feel is tired and sleepy because of the restless sleeps. 

So, my parents come back Saturday, a morning flight.. I thought they were back tomorrow, on a Friday. I thought they told me they were back the 30th. Oh well..

I forgot to say something..

Over dinner with my friend, she was like, the other day, her and her husband were talking about my grieving.. they said they were worried how I would take things if it were my parents passing.. They were like, I'm already hit this hard for grief for Grandma, someone that lives in our home country, that it wasn't like I was raised by Grandma, that I have little memory and time spend with her.. and yet, the grief impacted me so much.. She said, with her husband, they were saying they are worried how I'll be if it were my parents.. They both lost for fathers.. My friend lost hers 4 years ago, and the husband lost his during COVID.. which was hardest.. because during COVID, no one were allowed to visit.. so, he felt most sorry for his dad, as it's like he passed away by himself, with no family beside him.

She says though, they are glad I'm getting counselling now.. so, maybe I could learn some strategies to cope for future losses.. But she was like, we can never really "prepare" for the grief of losing a loved one.. because of the people we lose, we have different relationships with that person.. so the grief will differ, the impact will be different..

@mytwistedsoul

@Jaeteuk The muscle memory is always sort of amazing isn't it? I've gone years without picking up an instrument but the moment I do - my fingers remember everything

I'm always fascinated when my fingers remember how to play the piano, no matter how long it's been since I've last played. Muscle memory is amazing. That's why I always tell others, learn a skill, and you'll never forget it.

Clothing to me is definitely comfort over trend. To be comfortable in my own skin, is more important than dressing something to become more attractive. But my mum always complaints about my style.. says, I'm stuck in the teenager ages, and don't stress my age. Well, I can't help it, as that's the style I feel comfortable with.. and my high school days' styles are different than the current trend for teenagers. 

Stage 4 cancer is the worst. Not many are able to live more than a year after the diagnosis. I'm glad you were able to amend the relationship between you and your father during the most difficult time of his life. Even when you couldn't spend as much time with him because of Covid, I'm sure he appreciated your presence.

One of my mum's best friend's husband also suddenly was diagnosed with Stage 4 liver cancer. He also passed away within 6 months. During those six months, the son married and has baby on the way, and his daughter got engaged. It was like, a message to dad, that as siblings, they will live happily, and that Dad can go without worries. The son, as the older sibling, is 30, while the daughter, I believe is in her mid-20s. The dad hasn't even retired from work yet, it was kinda sad, because his mum recently immigrated here from Hong Kong to spend time with her sons. With another son in a different Province, but his mum lived with them. So now, my mum's best friend has to take care of her mother-in-law instead. She's also selling her townhome, and moved in with her son as she finds a smaller place. 

I hope my friend is fine too.. I was asking her if cancer ran in her family.. she says on her maternal side, her great-grandfather had colon cancer, and her uncle just passed away with leukemia. Now, her sister with breast cancer, and she's needing a biopsy. I feel bad for her.. she has a lot stresses going at home and with her family.. Her husband's job is going on strike, so, for at least a month, they are down to her making the money.. September will be difficult month, because she's working an early morning shift from 6am - 2pm (working at another hospital, says she has to arrive by 5:30am), which means the husband will need to get their son to school, then, go for the picket line for 4 hours a day, he only gets paid $50 per day! So, she's planning to either work some extended shifts and pick up partial shifts at the hospital to try and make up for his part of the income. Then, with her sister's relapse and needing more chemo in October.

So, whenever she needs help babysitting her puppy, I told her, at least for September, I'm available anytime.

My parents sent us a picture/message last night, saying they've arrived in Singapore.

@mytwistedsoul

@Jaeteuk In all honesty I don't think people should have to dress a certain way just because of their age. You should dress in a way that feels like you. Why stress your age? 

I think my mum thinks that because my style is so old-fashioned and like a teenager back in the days, that it doesn't help attract others to want to get to know me or date me. So, she always thinks I need proper clothing, she also always asks me to have long hair, as that's what most men like. The reason I don't like having long hair is that, I'm curly at the roots, so if my hair gets too long, it puffs out.

I believe they had purposely rushed with the wedding and engagement, kinda like to make sure their dad doesn't have too much regrets after he's gone. 

Cancer is horrible. Another friend of my parents have a rare form of leukemia too, it seems with her, it's just continuous chemo and medication, my uncle has the same form. But he seems to be doing much better, as there's some effective medication in Hong Kong that he used. With this friend of my parents though, she just keeps getting episodes of it, where she'd be so tired she can't leave her place. It's actually quite sad with her case, her and her husband have no children. When she was first diagnosed many years ago, the husband ended up getting depression and anxiety. On the other hand, she's more of the positive type of person. My parents avoid meeting her though, because her personality is a bit difficult to withstand, but they have the same group of friends, so my parents will only meet with her when others are around.

My friend has a Frenchie.. so, he's not so much of the cozy type, unlike a golden retriever. Timmy is very chill and laid back. The most he'd do is try and nip at my slippers whenever I'm there. Then, after like a good 10 minutes, he'll just do his own thing. But they trained him to ring a bell, whenever he wants to go into the backyard to sunbathe (which is fairly frequent). So that's nice. 

Omgosh, I only got like a couple of hours of sleep.. I totally didn't feel like waking up this morning.. Actually, when I first woke up, I thought it was very late already.. but, looked at the time, and it was only 7:40am.. I didn't fall asleep until past 5am.. But I tried going back to sleep, but couldn't fall asleep.. so, I'll most likely need a nap this afternoon.. 

After my brother picked up my parents from the airport, my mum sent me a message saying they'll have breakfast nearby first, before coming home. Which means, they should be back soon.

@mytwistedsoul

@Jaeteuk I think long hair would be a lot of work tbh. Maybe some new clothes for the cruise might be a good idea too? I know you had said about getting new outfits for when your friend came to visit. Maybe you and her could have a girl's day? Do a little shopping together? 

So, my mum bought me a lot of new clothes from Hong Kong. So, I'll be wearing all the new clothes for our cruise.. Yay! Saved me from going clothing shopping myself. 

The friend that's coming over, he's attending his friend's wedding.. This friend, I actually met him online, during my senior years of high school.. So, I've known him for 20 years.. Over these 2 decades, I've met him in person maybe only less than 5 times.. but, we've kept in touch through chats/text messages. We've spoken on the phone for some time at one point, about 10 years ago.. But, mainly kept in touch through chats. I'm going to be telling my mum about him during our cruise.. need to see what she thinks.. We kinda want to try and get to the bf/gf level.. But, he did say he'll need to have a chat with me when we meet.. because I tell him, long-distance relationships doesn't really work.. and I'm not wanting to move over to the East Coast to live with him, so, he'll either have to move back here.. or it'll never work-out. At one point in our friendship, I had put all my hopes on him.. as becoming a lifelong partner.. So, I told him, this time we meet.. we need to make a decision.. I don't want to wait another 10 years to be in a serious relationship.. So.. if no decision is made this time between us.. I might go and tell my mum to contact her friend.. See if her friend's son-in-law still have those 2 single guy friends looking for a gf.. because at my age, I think to date someone, it'll need to have marriage in mind.. no more time to fool around.

We used to have a golden retriever too, but it's been more than 10 years since her passing. We had to put her down, she was nearing 10 years old.. but had a tumor pressing on her intestines, so she wasn't able to eat or release herself.. then, the vet was like, she's too old for surgery, won't be worth it. The only dog we have now, is the joint custody of the dog my brother has with his ex-wife. We get him when she goes on vacation. It's a Sheepadoodle. 

Naps during the day for me doesn't interfere with my sleep at night.. I usually watch dramas in bed on my mini-iPad.. The thing with my sleep is, the most I can sleep for is like 5-6 hours.. So, if I fall asleep too early in the night, I'll be awake by 4am.. So, I usually end up watching my dramas until 2-3am before actually sleeping.. But, when this goes on for a couple of weeks, I feel tired during the day.. and when I do decide to sleep earlier to catch up on the sleep and tiredness, I end up waking up every couple of hours. So, sleep has always been a problem for me.. and now, through this grieving process.. it seems, no matter how much I sleep, I still feel tired during the day.. and I guess it seems even more tiring because my mind has shutdown. You know, I don't even know how my counselling session will be like this Friday.. I've continued to write my diary and the letters to my Grandma.. but, I'm not exactly feeling as sad anymore.. but at the same time, I'm not "feeling" at all. So, that can't be normal..

@mytwistedsoul

@Jaeteuk That's so nice that she picked out things for you! And it saved you a shopping trip :) I have to agree with the yay - I'm not a fan of shopping for clothes either