I don't mean to be rude
I don't know if someone has ever experienced this, but lately I have been having some trouble with the people who is close to me, mostly with my roommate and best friend. I realized that sometimes I am unable to control what I feel, I am unable to control what I say or how I act.
Just today I was mean to her, without even noticing, I was rude and that happens more often that I wish it would. I don't realize I am being mean until I hurt the people I care about.
How do you guys cope with that? How do you learn to think before talking or acting?
I know maybe she needs to give me some patience because I don't control it, but I can't ask for it if I don't even understand myself.
@Popsicle99
Hello. I think that's really good you're self-aware and you don't want to hurt people around you, even when hurting someone was not your intention at all from the beginning.
As far as I can catch the idea for my life: How I feel is important, but my emotions are not me. They're signals, not imperatives.
Knowing my emotions is the first stage. Being slightly careful in believing them is the second.
I cannot control what I feel. But I should control my words or actions in given circumstances. Or at least I should try.
How do you think, what could you do in the situations when your emotions seems to be overwhelming, to not hurt anyone? What kind of "preventive measures" you might take before the things go to the boiling point?
@Popsicle99
Perhaps your answer is underneath the surface.
I mean i have people around me whom i find myself becoming snarky with when it is something under the surface. This can be people I love and do not mean to but often frustration or some sort of emotion or feeling makes me say or do something i wish i had not.
Example if we are doing something and we reach an issue or impasse .... we speak of some chore or task being done yet they disregard it .... tell me they will do later etc then it bubbles under surface and leaks out in some snarky comment or action.
Sometimes when frustrated I snap and say things. I try to tell myself I will count to 10 or learn to control it but short of being direct and air out what is getting under my skin....even if it is a long standing irritant. The best thing is to be truthful about the irritation and not internalize the small things.
What do you mean with 'underneath the surface'?
@Popsicle99
Underneath the surface..... means small things or irritants a person has now or in the past done. This happens often with people we live with. They claim credit perhaps for our efforts ... maybe they disregard our feelings or ignore simple things we ask them NOT to do.
If we did not deal with it speak up/ discuss and or settle things....... a small thing that should and often would not bother us now lingers and a small disagreement brings back that old frustration.
So when something happens and we get angry .....they seem to feel we are angry all the time or making a big deal out of nothing ........because what ever the small underneath thing is they have forgot it and yet we have not.
That could be a really valid reason, I mean, I think there are things that also bother me but somehow I have learned to ignore or maybe just go with them, like they don't bother me anymore. Maybe I am holding something back and that triggers my bad humor (that and the fact that I am very moody when I am having a bad day, can't be a good combo).
Thank you so much for making me think about this, sometimes we just need to see a little bit further.
It's normal to not notice when you're being mean. It's okay to go over and talk about it.
I just don't want this to make me hurt the people I care about.
Well if you insist, sacrificing your ego to be right is a great step to take forward. Then prioritize peace while talking, venting is for professionals to take in, but it's best to voice out your emotions and vent to professionals like in therapy sessions, not to your friends family members, relatives, neighbors, or some random person on the internet (that's counted as cyber bullying if you denigrate the person you're talking to)
I kept getting a similar issue, when I get too stressed or too much in my mind. I'm not one to talk about it or really show it but I start to give attitude and have a short temper and I dont realise until someone points it out to me.
Yeah right? I mean, I am not saying we have any right to be mean, but sometimes it's something we can't really control.
Perhaps patience and finding a way to cope with our emotions without hurting others could be the solution.
I can relate to this because when I'm having a difficult time, I'm also out of character without realizing it until I'm told. I say things that I would not say on a normal day. It's good you've accepted it. Now, you need to fix whatever is stressing you so you don't transfer it to people around you. I'm still working on this myself
At least we are not alone in this and I think we will be able to find a way to cope with our emotions without hurting others, I'm working on it too, but realizing I want to fix it it's the first step.
This is so helpful to talk about here. I do agree there can be things under the surface that bubble to the top. Also unpopular opinion, and I need to be better at this, but after understanding your feelings, you need to have a conversation with the person about what bothered you. Avoiding that can snowball to unhealthy, toxic relationships. I’m working on detachment because as a Hyper sensitive person w/AdHD, if I can’t have a tough yet justifiable conversation with someone close then it’s not a long-term relationship worth having. It will save heartache in the long run.
Would you say that tou have trouble regulating your emotions?
Yes, I really do!
I don't know how to canaliice them...
I would recommend seeking professional mental health support to help you discover and learn tools to help with/manage "Emotional dysregulation " which sounds like you may be experiencing.
@Popsicle99 sometimes i tend to do it too but whenever i realise what i did, i immediately apologize and try to make up for it in the best way possible. i still dont have a correct solution for this but im trying to figure out. i always talk to them about it, a good convo can go a lonng way. ive also asked them to point to me directly when and how i hurt them so that it is easier for both of us to fix the situation.
This might be a few things . One thing that comes to mind is comfort zone and level. Being a roommate and probably interacting frequently, you both have probably gotten to know each other including annoyances, subtleties etc. sometimes becoming comfortable shows itself by just being more vocal or opinionated, or perhaps rude like maybe subconsciously a dominance thing in the household.
To control this one thing you can do is right before you open your mouth to speak, look down, pause and say in your head what you are about to say out loud. Imagine being on the receiving end of it. If it’s something you would appreciate hearing go for it if not rephrase it again in your head before you speak it. This is what I would do.
it may also help to read about emotional intelligence or EQ.
@Popsicle99 it happens sometimes
If you want to know more about how to deal with it, request a chat with me, we will discuss more about it
@Popsicle99 maybe you could try having a conversation with them and try to work out how u can have better communication with them instead of everything being negative and expressing that hey I'm so sorry for how I respond or what comes out of my mouth at times, it is not intentional. And if they have any hurts or concerns let them share their side. idk if that makes any sense or helps but hopeful
@amusingWest5360 hopefully it does