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sensitiveBalsam7250
1 1,423 M Little Steps 5
PathStep 2 Compassion hearts90 Forum posts44 Forum upvotes55 Current upvotes55 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2024 Member sinceJuly 19, 2021
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Living in a toxic family ft student life
Anxiety Support / by sensitiveBalsam7250
Last post
 December 4th
...See more I was born in a toxic family & dealing with then always haven’t been an easy job or even near to one. but let’s cut to the chase, the newest issue is that : my mother is overprotective of me & doesn’t allow me to go anywhere from my house, I can’t go out with my friends, I can’t go out alone anywhere. And my father doesn’t really care about our mental health or education or basically our lives. He’s always busy with his job so never really pays attention to our lives. lately I’ve been failing my exams & having hard time finding motivation to do anything which is affecting my studies & grades a lot. And due to all the stress & fear or failure & demotivation, I keep forgetting whatever I study. And the rest of my batchmates, most of em are done with their college & starting new chapters & the rest are doing a lot with their lives such as they’re exam candidates like me too but they also tutor & do this & that & still always stays on top of studies & gets too tier grades. All these made me even more disappointed in myself. Recently I’ve been getting really sick physically & mentally & I thought if I start going to the gym again maybe I’ll feel better & It’ll also help me focus on my studies better. My parents are both working parents so they don’t pay much attention to our well-being’s. They just work & buy us stuff. That’s it. We don’t have that great bond or anything. I’ve been telling them that I’m getting sick, something is wrong with my body but they don’t really seem to care so I stopped telling them. I even wanted to go out in the area for walking but they didn’t even allow that, they just wants me to stay home at all times & study literally 24/7 no kidding. I’ve told them that I’m getting really sick & I want to join the gym as it has helped me earlier with my well-being. They strictly immediately denied! They said that I can’t go to gym cuz I can’t waste 2 hrs of my life going to the gym & I can go out walking and workout at home but that’s it I can’t go out. I get the time wasting thing but my problem is : 1) they don’t pay any attention to what’s going on with us for example a few days ago my sibling had an allergic reaction & I begged my parents to come help us but they didn’t give any attention to us and screamed at me for taking my sibling to the hospital. I did anyways & got her an injection which practically save her as she was having trouble breathing. Yeah my parents are like this. 2) I’ve told them I keep getting sick & sick & they don’t care but they won’t even let me go to the gym or go out for even just a walk! Wtf am I supposed to do with my life then? Be their puppet & stay home like a jail & study 24/7???? How is this even possible?!! & their lives are very eventful they have tons of friends & colleagues with whom they go out every other day. 3) they’re the type of parents that fight with each other & when we try to stop them they start attacking us & then leave the whole family & then a few days later come home again & pretend that nothing bad has ever happened. And spends loads of money on buying us expensive stuff so we would shut up. Whenever we say “that’s not good parenting” they start to lecture on how much money they spend on us…my point is being the breadwinner doesn’t mean being a parent?! 4) now what am I supposed to do? They fight, they leave, they torture on us & I still have to stay home & tolerate everything & can’t even go out for a few hrs to myself ? look I get the whole time wasting thing before exam & it bothers me too. I’m also scared what if I can’t spend wasting that much time b4 exams? But I’m getting sick day by day due to my weight, having trouble sleeping every night for more than a month now, I’m getting sick to my stomach every now & then & my doctor did tell me quite a long time ago that all these r happening cuz of my weight. I just don’t know what to do now. I still feel very demotivated & depressed dealing with everything. I can’t eat anything cuz I feel guilty for failing my exams & gaining so much weight that every time after eating I want to throw up. I can’t look at the mirror because it makes me realise how fat I am & how bad & heavy I feel. Nobody ever gets me. I can’t even explain through words how I feel. I just…I hate myself! I thought maybe if I did went to gym again & workout etc I’d feel better, I’d be able to eat properly & I might feel less like a failure…. I guess that’s not happening anymore soo…..well….thanks y’all for r reading my rants anyways…
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Anhedonia
Anxiety Support / by sensitiveBalsam7250
Last post
 November 15th
...See more Anhedonia Have any of you ever read the book “the silent patient”? In that book, a girl named Alicia made a painting named “Alcestis”, it was named after a Greek play where queen Alcestis sacrifices her life but gets betrayed and afterwards she goes silent. She couldn’t handle the pain or denial, she was neither angry nor sad.  She was silent.  She had nothing left to say.  So did Alicia.  I can feel her now. Because I have nothing left to say or feel either. 2023 was a hard year and I did my best to push it through to 2024. Made the biggest life decisions & major changes in life & gave up almost everything I had back then for peace & safety. But my mind went silent. I had nothing to say.  What would I say?  Nothing.  I’ve been getting everything I wanted ever since then. Life has not been good to me but Allah (swt) has been sending me a lot of blessings. My childhood dreams have been coming true. But I don’t feel the joy for these blessings because my mind is silent. And I cannot fix it. It feels like a coping mechanism & maybe it is. But I cannot get out of feeling like this.  I’m not depressed. Neither am I sad. I want to get better. But getting better feels like a chore. I don’t have that much energy left for any kind of chore. I’ve been doing all sorts of daily activities everyday, hanging out with friends, going to the gym etc.  But I don’t feel the joy anymore. It’s not the people, nor the workouts, nor any recent life events. I just don’t feel that rush of dopamine anymore.  My world used to be very colourful and bright. It’s all black and white now. Very clear. But without colors. I don’t want to paint, I don’t want to take pictures of the beautiful sky, I don’t even look at the sky anymore, I don’t read for pleasure anymore. Because thinking about doing these things exhaust me.  How happy was I? Seeing the sky full of different colours made me happy! Making a colourful paining made me happy! Looking at a stray animal in the eyes made me happy! I forgot how to feel that way now.  I’m not unhappy. I’m not depressed. I’m not angry either. At anyone or anything.  Why don’t I feel that way again? I want to paint, my heart craves to make a new painting but my body doesn’t want to. I want to bring back my photographer self to capture the beautiful sky and beautiful Mother Nature. I want to go outside and play with the stray animals who once used to follow me all the way home everyday. But somehow my mind doesn’t even think about these anymore. I forgot how to do any of these.  I wake up everyday with no purpose. I wake up, go to the gym, attend classes, return home and lie in my bed. I have no purpose. I used to. I had a lot of dreams and goals and worked hard everyday to reach those goals. I don’t anymore. I cannot find the pleasure to work for these goals. Nor do I feel like I have a chance to reach those goals.  Hopeless? Maybe. But why tho? I don’t feel anything. Nothing.
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Hopeless
Anxiety Support / by sensitiveBalsam7250
Last post
 March 11th
...See more Okay so I was never the type of person who dates or ever dated, growing up I only focused on my sturdiest and grades. That’s because I come from a very toxic and dysfunctional family where love was never there. Only trauma and fights and crying etc. so I didn’t even know what love was growing up. Now I do cuz I fell in love with someone. But it was one sided. I’ll have to move on now. But I cannot. Because I feel like I will never feel this way for anyone ever again, the guy I love will be happy with someone else and move on with life and I’ll be stuck here, never find anyone, I’ll be unhappy for life. My life will become like my parents. Unhappy. growing up, not having friends or supportive parents have made me very independent. I always have to be my own therapist, my own advisor. But I want someone to be there for me. I want someone to be my emotional companion. Everyone has at least someone in their life. They have a best friend or a partner. I have none. And sometimes doing everything for myself all alone makes me feel really bad about myself. Makes me feel like I’ll always have to live like this and I’ll never have anyone in my life who’s gonna love me or listen to me or be there for me. How do I overcome this?
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Love hurts
Anxiety Support / by sensitiveBalsam7250
Last post
 March 8th
...See more Hey everyone. Been a long time I wrote here. I wanted to share a part of my journey. I fell in love with a guy for the first time ever and it did not go well. I was deeply in love with him and his friends caused me a lot of trouble. I never got a chance to confess to him. I just started to not think of him and live my life. But I still cry and pray for him all the time. I don’t know whether I still love him or not now because I refrain myself from thinking about him. But I still truly care for him even now. There’s this new girl in my class who has a crush on him. It’s nothing serious she says, she just wants to date him. She said she’s not in love with him neither has any feelings for him. She just likes him for his body and looks. (That’s what she says) and her close friends said that she never goes for commitments or relationships, she just dates & loses interest. Never serious. I have this gut feeling that the guy also likes her back. This makes me very sad. Because I loved him truly and he didn’t even bother to think about me, then this girl came with the wrong intentions & everyone is helping her to get to him! Even this friend of mine with whom I’ve shared my feelings about the guy is also helping this girl to get to him. This hurts a lot because no one will ever understand how much I loved him & what I got in return. I can’t explain in words what I feel for him. But yet everyone is supporting this other girl. Guys I really don’t know how to get over this now. This just hurts. This is not fair!! I loved him! She doesn’t! Yet she gets to have him! She gets to have what I’ve been wanting for the past 2 years. I know everyone keeps saying “whatever happens, happens for good”, “just forget him”, “move on”, etc and I know these things. But it’s not easy to go from deeply loving & caring for someone, to absolutely forget them. It’s freaking impossible! I really don’t know what to do. I haven’t had anxiety for a long time but now my anxiety is triggered even more than before and I cannot eat anything due to anxiety stomaches. Everything makes me throw up. Specially what hurts is that friend of mine, who knew how much I’ve cried for that guy for the past 2 years, is helping her to get to him and supporting her. Even the guy’s friends, who messed up with me which lead me to cut him off forcefully, are also helping and supporting her to get to him. This hurts a lot. I have this pain in my heart that I cannot explain in words hence I became silent. Silence is all I can express right now.
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PAIN
Student Support / by sensitiveBalsam7250
Last post
 December 28th, 2023
...See more so i come from a very middle class family, my mother is a teacher and my father is a business man. we come from a very typical family where none of my parent's were able to pay for me and my sibling's education so we had to rely on my uncles and aunts for money basically our whole life. They did give us money whenever we needed but also came a lot of insults [that's basically how rich people treat the poor here]. so my one and only goal was to study hard to get a job so that i can pay them back to stop them from insulting my parents. but now i cannot seem to do it because i'm currently doing my a level and it already costs a lot and universities costs even more. another thing : i'm a cancer survivor and growing up i wanted to know what cancer was and how to treat it and how to save others lives from it that's why i'm so fond of biology. but i cannot be a doctor as it costs a lot and it's a lot of pressure. i wanted to be a cancer researcher but in our country we don't have that many options in universities as other countries as we're not that developed yet. but since i cannot afford going abroad to study like my peers and friends, i'll have to study here with very limited options of subjects and jobs. this put me in depression. because i've seen a lot of rich spoiled kids never ever studying but then they use their daddy's money to go abroad and study there as they got money while people like us have to give up our dreams because of money even though we study really hard and get good grades. it's always gonna be like this isn't it? the riches get whatever they want even with no qualifications, and the poor ones has to suffer and give up on their goals and dreams just because we cannot afford them? 
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i need help
Anxiety Support / by sensitiveBalsam7250
Last post
 December 6th, 2023
...See more let me know if any of u feel relatable to this. I grew up in a dysfunctional toxic family so i never really knew what is love or thought of it as something useless and waste of time. But as i grew up, i kept getting attached to everyone very easily and kept expecting their time for me but they all left for their own needs and i'm left alone. I'm gonna turn 20 in less than a month and i've never dated or had a bf. guys aren't that interested in me idek why. there is this guy that i've been in love with for the past 2 years but he doesn't like me and keeps pushing me away. i respect his boundaries and i stay away from him. but recently he got into an accident and had a severe surgery. from then i've been stressed and emotional, i haven't been able to sleep as i kept getting anxious in my sleep. haven't been able to eat properly either due to anxiety. whenever i get a text, my heart starts pounding cuz i feel like it's something about him. his surgery was successful. but i still feel really bad for him and really emotional because i had to go through cancer and i know how exhausting it is to deal with sickness and hospitals and recovery etc. and i don't ever want people that i care about sooo much, go through anything even slightly similar that i had to go through. i have sooo much love and care for the people that i love but i cannot express them and none of them wants that love and care from me so i don't know where to put it. and it hurts that i cannot express it. if somebody loves or cares for someone else, they should know about it. everyone shoud know that they're being loved. but i cannot tell the guy that how much i care about him and how much i cried my eyes and heart out for him and prayed for him and had sleepless nights during his sickness because he doesn't want any of that from me. i cannot stop doing these for him because it's really  hard to not care for someone u adore soo much that you're ready to give everything up for them. i don't want him in my life anymore or to be my bf because over the past 2 years till now i had to go through *** for that guy and got nothing in return. yet i still cannot stop caring about him. i don't think i love him anymore but i still care about him to death and would do anything for his health. 
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PAIN
Anxiety Support / by sensitiveBalsam7250
Last post
 January 10th
...See more Have any of u guys ever been in a one sided relationship where u loved the other person soooo much and cared about them soo much that other people got jealous of how much love u had for that person and everything in that persons life mattered to u too, for months, and the other person does not even care or think about u? or if any of u ever been in either one of the persons POV, how did u go through it? this is my first time being in love so  have no idea what to do. someone plz help kindly and i hope none of u ever have to lose someone u truly love cuz it hurtsss sooo baddd it's like this gut wrenching pain that no medicaton can fix! and yet the guy still does not care! 
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